Fire Always Burns

chapter 2

A small flame grew, feeding on the dry grass. At first, it was more smoke than flame, but it grew quickly. Soon a trickle of flame spread into the deeper grass, finding a feast of dry tinder. It only took moments for the flames to spread along the roadside, incinerating everything they touched. The stars came out to watch the pretty flames dance along the side of the road, their silent light pale compared to the orange and red glow.

I got off my shift at 2:30, so I headed over to our usual meeting spot. I parked in the back corner of the West Hardware Store parking lot and walked along the edge of the crumbling asphalt towards the main building. My feet followed a worn path along the wall of the building, my hand trailing behind me on the warm plastic siding. The back lot of the store was deserted, piles of lumber sitting under big blue plastic tarps. I was the first person there, so I claimed a spot in the sun, pulling the tarp off to sit on the wood.

The sunshine was warm on my face, the day unseasonably nice. I had worn a light fleece jacket, one that I hadn't worn since coming home from college. It felt marvelous to just sit in the sun, soaking it up like a cat, losing myself to the blue sky. I could smell the sweet earthy scent of wood and dirt mixed with scent of the warm plastic tarp. This was one of my favorite places. We used to all play hide and seek here when we were younger. It always felt safe here, like I could hide under these tarps and the world would disappear.

I put my hands in my jacket pockets and felt a hard plastic square. It was my student ID card. My carefree mood slipped away like water through my fingers. I stared at the smiling person on the card, her bright eyes staring back accusingly at me. Her smile mocked me; it was so confident, so ready to face any challenge. That girl had no idea what was going to happen.

I wanted to fling it across the lumber yard. I wanted to burn it. I wanted to throw it in a pit of fiery lava and watch it melt into black smoke that would just blow away and never bother me again. The girl in the picture ridiculed me because she was still innocent.

The sound of footsteps snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see Luke towering over me, his thin frame dominating my vision. I sat up and he sat down where my feet had been. Luke was only a year older than me, but today he looked like he carried the weight of a much older man. His dark blonde hair was disheveled from running his hands through it and the knot on his tie was crooked. I had a feeling he had tied it himself this morning and no one had fixed it for him. He sat hunched forward, his eyes focusing on a straggly weed trying to find a foothold near the back entrance. His hazel eyes held only defeat.

“You OK?” I asked, tucking the id card back in my pocket. I didn't want anyone to see it.

“Nope,” he said flatly. The custody hearing must have gone badly. My heart sank. Luke loved his little brother something fierce. He was seven years older than Tyler, but the two of them were always together. Luke was extremely protective of his little brother, and Tyler practically worshiped the ground Luke walked on. If Barb won custody, Tyler would be moving to California and Luke would never get to see him. The thought broke my heart.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Nope.”

We sat there quietly, waiting for the others to arrive. I scooted closer to Luke, putting my head on his shoulder. His warmth was comforting, and he tipped his head to rest against mine. I could feel the worry radiating off him, his shoulders tense with anxiety.

Luke was the most loyal and trustworthy person I had ever known. He was always looking out for the little guy, making sure that no one ever got hurt. He looked out for me like a big brother. In 7th grade, I had the misfortune of getting glasses and braces at the same time; Luke, the big strong 8th grader, threatened to beat up all the kids that teased me about it. I had loved him after that. We went out on a date once in middle school, but it never went anywhere. He became the older brother I never had but had always wanted.

He continued to look out for me in high school, helping me make friends. There were six of us my freshman year. Luke, Britney and Eli were a year older than Andrew, Jen and I, but we all ate lunch together and hung out after school. I thought we were going to be friends forever we were all so close, but that didn't work out.

Before we made the promise never to date within ourselves, Jen and Eli became a serious couple. For a while things were great, but then, as is common in high school couples, the two of them had a fight. It resulted in a bitter breakup, and made being around either one of them awkward. They refused to be in the same room as one another, and their split forced us to choose sides. The only reason the five of us were still together was because Jen moved. After that, we all swore to never date within ourselves. Our friendships were too important to risk.

Our promise worked. None of us dated and we all were still friends years after graduation. It was hard, and we had all been tempted to break the promise at some point, but we never did. It was what made our friendship so strong. I never thought we would change.

I felt Luke sigh underneath me. It felt shaky, like he was holding in sobs. I hated seeing him like this. Since Luke was my adopted big brother, I became Tyler's adopted "big sis". I was worried for Tyler. The kid was the shyest person I had ever met. The only time he came out of his shell was if he was onstage. The kid could sing, act, and dance. Tyler said he could do it because he wasn't himself on the stage- he was the performer. Unfortunately, he was terrified of auditions and people he didn't know. This wasn't a problem in small school like ours; most of the cast of the school plays came from the drama teacher walking down the hallway and assigning parts to students.

If Tyler went to a bigger school, one where auditions actually mattered, he would retreat further into his shy little shell. He had made such progress this year. I worried what would happen to him if he was forced to go someplace new.

Luke shifted, and I raised my head to see a several people walk around the corner of the building. Andrew led, looking tired and worn, with Eli and Britney following close behind. Our little gang was all here. Eli and Britney's smiles fell off their faces as soon as they saw Luke. He wore a mask of awful disappointment.

Britney rushed forward and hugged Luke, whispering, “Aw, honey. It'll be alright.” Britney is the only person I have ever known that could get away with calling people 'honey' and making it genuine. She smiled at him, sitting on his other side as Eli walked over and handed him a beer from his backpack. Luke popped the top and took a gulp. His hands shook slightly, but from what emotion, I wasn't sure. He let the half-empty can rest on his knee as he took a deep breath in, letting it out slowly.

“The judge said my dad wasn't as good a parental option as my mom,” he said slowly, his voice full of heartache. “He said that my dad works too much, that there isn't a strong paternal presence. He said I don’t count. The f*cker said I didn't factor into 'the child's opportune growing environment'. Bull shit! I practically raised that kid myself!”

Luke's voice began to raise, his voice cracking as he continued. “Who does Tyler go to when he needs help with his homework? Me. Who drives Tyler to school? Me. Who cooks and does his laundry? Me! Mom is too busy with her business and Dad 's too busy with his store to even notice the kid. Grams and Gramps pay attention to him, but they are busy with their retirement. That's why they f*cking moved to California in the first place. But Mom has to go be near them and drag Tyler with her just because it will hurt Dad. Not a single person in that whole f*cking courtroom gave a rat's ass what happened to Tyler!”

Luke screamed at no one in particular. He was breathing hard, his face turning red and highlighting the dried tear streaks running down his face. I put my hand on his shoulder, feeling the rage burn through him. He lifted the can up to his lips and downed the rest of the beer. I wanted to cry, to scream in mutual frustration. We all sat quietly, unsure of what to say. Luke was usually the most grounded and calm of all of us. I could count the number of time I had heard him curse on one hand until today. This wasn't a side of Luke that we were used to seeing. I could see Britney biting her lip as she watched him, her face contorted with shared pain. Eli stood off to the side, his arms crossed and his eyes intentionally not looking at Luke. Andrew sat on a pile of wood, staring at the ground, his hands clasped before him. It was Andrew that finally broke the silence.

“I am so sorry, man. You and Tyler don't deserve that,” he said slowly looking up at Luke.

Luke nodded curtly, and stood up. He crushed the can under his foot and walked towards the store building frowning at the weeds.

“I just don't know what to do,” he whispered. His shoulders slumped in defeat. The anger seemed to have burned through him, leaving him hollow. He turned around, his face nothing but despair. “How do I fix this?”

Everyone was quiet. I wished I had an answer for him. I hated seeing my big strong protector so beat down. Britney stood up and hugged him, her tiny frame wrapping around his tall one like a vine around a pole.

“I don't think this is something you can fix by yourself, honey,” she said quietly. “I know that we will help you through this though. You aren't in this alone. We all know how much you love Tyler. We all love that kid too. We will find a way to get him to where he belongs.”

Everyone nodded, murmuring similar words. It felt like so little.

“Have you talked to your mom about this at all?” Andrew asked as he fished in Eli's backpack for a beer. He found one and tossed it to Luke before pulling another one out for himself. He looked at Britney, his eyebrows raised as he opened the bag for another. She shook her head no as she released Luke but still keeping near him, so he turned to me. I nodded and he tossed one carefully to me, leaving the bag open leaning against the wood pile.

“Like she listens to me. They both see me as a child. It's frustrating as hell,” he said popping the top, but instead of drinking he just stared into the can.

“What about the lawyers?” I ventured, playing with the cold can. The weight felt good in my hands, but I had no intention of opening it.

Luke shrugged noncommittally. “My dad's lawyer said if we want to appeal, we need to prove a more stable home life, a better family structure or something. I wasn't paying much attention at that point.”

The silence hung like a cold mist between us. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it wasn't pleasant either. We all were just looking for the right words to say. Looking for words that would make this better, but not finding any.

“Thank you guys for being here today. It means a lot,” Luke said quietly. A cloud crossed in front of the sun, making the sunny yard suddenly gloomy. He looked around at everyone, the corners of his lips curling up in an attempt of a smile that didn't reach his eyes. Britney hugged him again and then sat down next to me.

“Anytime, bro. Anytime,” Eli replied setting down his can on the ground. He smashed it with his foot, the metallic crunch punctuating his sentence before diving into his backpack for a second. I played with the can in my hands, feeling the cool metal slide against my skin. I didn’t want to open it, I didn’t want the responsibility that came with it. Too many memories.

I caught Andrew looking at the can, unopened in my hands. His dark eyebrows twitched together, curious. I set the can down next to me on the wood, hiding it from his line of sight. I turned to Luke, ignoring the questioning look Andrew shot towards me.

“Luke, you know we'll help you out anyway we can. We are here for you,” I smiled at him. He gave a halfhearted smile back, tossing his empty can to the ground and stuffing his hands deep into his pockets. He kicked the empty can towards a tarp covered pile. It pinged hollowly through the small space.

Britney stood up and starting walking towards Luke. “I'm really sorry Luke, but I have to get to work. My shift starts in a little bit. Come by though, and I'll get you a drink or two on the house,” she said, giving him a hug. He held onto her, drawing off her strength. I could see her whisper into his ear, and he pulled her in closer before letting her go. She waved to the rest of us, hoisting her purse onto shoulder as she disappeared around the corner of the hardware store.

Luke paced between the lumber pile and the back of the building, kicking the aluminum beer can every time he passed it. It made a strange sort of clock as Eli, Andrew, and I sat there, counting the number of metallic pings. The sun began to set behind the mountains, sucking the rest of the day's warmth with it, but turning the sky brilliant shades of orange and gold. I messed with my jacket, wishing that I had worn a heavier one. Eli's phone began to sing some sort of rap song, but he picked it up before I could recognize any of the lyrics.

“Hey... Yeah, I'll pick up some milk on the way home. Be there soon,” Eli clicked his phone off and picked up his backpack. “Luke, man, I'll see you tomorrow. Tyler will be okay. He's a good kid.”

Luke nodded, his hands somehow going deeper into his pockets. Eli clapped him on the shoulder as he walked towards the path to the parking lot, then disappeared into the deepening dark.

“I got to get home too. Holly, could you give me a ride? Britney dropped me off so I don't have my car,” Andrew said as he stood up. I nodded and stood up as well, grabbing the tarp and pulling it back over the wood. Andrew and Luke grabbed the other tarps, resetting the space. It felt cold and distant when everything was back, our perfect spot nothing more than an illusion. It made me sad.

Luke walked with us back to the front of the store. He stood in front of the glass door, the light spilling out onto the sidewalk and casting dark shadows across his face. He looked so tired, so broken. I hugged him tight, wishing I had a way to fix this. I wanted so badly to wave a magic wand and make his world bright again. As I let go of him, Andrew gave him a hug as well. The three of us stood there for a moment, all looking at one another, not really wanting to break apart. None of us wanted to be alone, but we had no reason to stay.

A customer opened the door and brushed past Luke breaking the spell. Luke sighed and went inside, turning the sign to closed. I could see him heading towards the register to start closing up for the night, but he turned and waved. Andrew and I waved back, and began walking to my car in the far corner of the lot. The streetlamp sputtered to life, the electrical hum filling the empty lot with light.

I unlocked the car door and Andrew slid into the passenger seat, kicking an empty grocery bag out from under his feet. The engine whirred to life, heat slowly trickling through the vents after an initial blast of cold air. I pulled onto the main street and began heading towards Andrew's house. We sat quietly until I turned onto his street, Andrew's house the last one on the block.

“Do you have to get home right away?” Andrew asked, breaking the silence. I shook my head and he smiled at me. That smile made my heart jump. “I don't want to go home yet. I haven't gotten to see you much since you got back. Can we just sit and catch up?”

I nearly slammed the brakes, but instead managed to pull over and park the car. I had forgotten the effect Andrew could have on me. He sighed, unbuckling his seat belt. I glanced over at him, wondering if he knew how much I had missed him. Missed just hanging out and being near him.

“Why don't you want to go home?” I asked, turning the music down to just a gentle murmur in the background. Andrew shrugged, looking out the window and playing with bag under his feet. “Come on, Andrew. You know you can always tell me anything.”

“I got a letter in the mail today about my scholarship,” he started slowly. He stared out the window, avoiding me. He sighed, his breath fogging up the window. “I didn't want to say anything around Luke. There was more than enough bad news for one day without me adding mine.”

“What did the letter say?”

“My scholarship is going to expire. They gave me a grace period, with my dad dying and everything, but they can't save it for me any longer. If I don't go next fall, I lose it.”

I let out my breath in a slow hiss. I knew Andrew dreamed of going to medical school someday. Ever since he helped a kid who broke his arm on the playground, he wanted to be a doctor. He was always looking up medical stuff and volunteering at a free clinic in the city. I always thought he would be halfway there by now, not still stuck in this small town and living with his mom.

“Why don't you go? Your mom would understand.”

“I wish I could," he said. He sighed, before continuing. "Do you know what happened the last time I left my mom alone for a weekend, let alone long enough to go to school? She called the cops and reported me a missing person. She doesn't know how to be alone anymore. I can't leave,” Andrew said sounding exasperated and tired. “She won't let me have my own life, but she doesn't even realize she's taking it.”

He sounded so alone in the dark. So forlorn and lost. I wished I could take the pain away from his voice, absorb it into myself so he wouldn't have to have it anymore.

“I'm sorry,” I said, saying the only thing I could think of. I could see his shadow shrug, his head slowly turning back towards me from the window.

“It's not your fault. I'm just so frustrated. The worst part is she doesn't even realize she is doing it. I hate that I'm stuck in this stupid town because she doesn't know how to be alone anymore. I hate it here. There is nothing I want here anymore,” he said into the darkness. I was glad the darkness hid my features. Nothing I want here. I knew he didn't mean me, but I wanted to cry. The insinuation stung.

“I'm sorry,” I repeated softly.

“I didn't mean it like that, Holly. I just, I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to get away from this place. Away from the memories. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels here while the world passes me by,” he rubbed his forehead, trying to figure out how to say what he was trying to say. I stayed quiet this time, not really trusting my voice. Andrew could always tell when I had been crying, or was about to cry. It was like a superpower of his. An awkward silence started to fill the car, but before I was forced to reply, Andrew's phone began to wail.

“Hey Mom. No, I... I'm fine Mom. I'm actually with Holly, we just stopped to talk for a little bit... Mom says hi, Holly,” he said as he leaned back in the seat. I could see his shoulders sag from an invisible weight as he spoke with his mother. “I'll be home in a little bit. Just turn the thermostat up a little... Yes, please start dinner. That sounds great, Mom.” A moment later he put his phone back in his pocket and sighed.

“Tell me your troubles,” I said turning towards him.

“What? No.” He shook his head, his lips keeping the no going long after his voice.

“Come on. We used to talk all the time. Talk to me. If nothing else, vent. Get it out. No judging here. Everything stays in the car- you know the drill,” I coaxed. He sighed and flung himself back into the seat. It took a moment, but he started talking.

“Mom 'forgot' to get the groceries again this week,” he said flatly.

“I remember- I saw you at the store. You said she wasn't up for it,” I nodded encouragingly.

He sighed and continued. I closed my eyes, imagining the scene he was laying out. I could see his mom, the layout of his house, the way their kitchen somehow always smelled of fresh bread.

▪▪▪

Andrew set the last bag of groceries from the car on the floor of the kitchen, making sure he didn't track any mud into the house. Audrey, his mother, was busy putting them away as quickly as he brought them in. He began to help her, putting the milk in the fridge and shuffling around the contents to make room for the rest of the food.

“Thank you for getting the groceries, Andrew. After last night's shift, I just couldn't get going this today. Your dad used to do the grocery shopping for me- he would always buy something special for you, remember?” She stopped for a moment, her eyes going distant, as she drifted into the past.

“Yeah, I remember Mom. He would always get me a special cereal or dessert or something. How about I just plan on doing all the grocery shopping from now on? I can do it on my way home from work on Thursdays and that way and you don't have to worry about it,” Andrew said as he put the eggs away.

“Oh no honey! I am the parent here. You shouldn't have to do that. I appreciate you doing it today, but I'll do it next time,” Audrey said putting her hand on his shoulder. Andrew sighed. That was what she had said last time. And the time before that, and the time before that.

Andrew couldn't remember the last time she had actually gone to the grocery store. Every week she waited until the last moment to ask him to go for her. One week he had gone preemptively, figuring that she would back out yet again and send him off at the last minute; Audrey had been furious. She had screamed that she was the parent and how dare he do his father's duties. The memory made him cringe.

“Ok Mom. I'll be on the computer if you need me,” he replied, turning to head for his room.

“I thought I would make chicken pot pie for dinner tonight. It was your father's favorite,” she called out after him.

“Sounds good, Mom. The veggies are in the freezer,” Andrew yelled back as he opened the door to his room. He could hear his mother rooting around in the kitchen for the various pans and supplies as she started dinner. He sighed again as he sat down at his computer desk and turned on his laptop. The fan whirred to life as he waited for it to boot, feeling beaten yet again by groceries.

▪▪▪

“The groceries are just part of it. A symptom of the whole disease. She just can't get past this and she refuses to get help. I made her an appointment at a therapist, and she refused to go because she said, and I quote, 'I'm not sick Andrew! Nothing is wrong!' I think she lives in this world where Dad is just missing and will come home any day now,” Andrew said into the dark, his voice full of anger and pain. I sat and listened to him vent about his mom, listening quietly as I thought about how his mom got to this point.

It had been almost two years since his dad died. Two days after high school graduation, Andrew's dad had gone to replace a power transformer and never came home. The last memory of his dad was talking to him that morning, his mouth full of cereal as they discussed his plans for college. Andrew had a scholarship to Colorado State University and plans to go on to medical school after that. Mr. Miller had been so proud of him. He had told everyone in town that his son was going to be a big fancy doctor someday, the biggest grin on his face.

Andrew was at my graduation party when a police officer arrived to get him and his mom. I can still see the haunted look on his face as the police cruiser took them away to the morgue. He told me later the coroner said his dad never felt anything, the electric shock was so strong. Andrew could never decide if that was true or if the coroner was just trying to comfort a grieving kid.

Charles Miller had been a good man. I remembered him working long hours, but always coming home to tuck Andrew in at night as a kid, even if he left right after to get back to work. He had loved Andrew more than anything in the world. Andrew had known that things between Charlie and his mother weren't perfect, but growing up he had always had two loving parents. His parents had a happy relationship, but even as a teenager, I had noticed that they were more friends than lovers.

Andrew's mom took Charlie's death really hard. I remembered her laying in bed for months after the accident, barely moving and refusing to eat. Andrew spent a lot of time at my house that summer, his own house too full of pain. Andrew had been incredibly grateful when my dad had helped him arrange the funeral, as his mother was in no condition to do it. Andrew had no idea if he wanted to be cremated or buried, and no concept of how to arrange any of it. When he had to sign the papers to release his father's body, he went with my dad. When my dad came home, his shoulder was damp with tears and he had tear marks on his own face. I never said anything about it, but I was glad someone had been there for him.

We were supposed to leave for college together, but when the water was turned off because Audrey forgot to pay it, he canceled his plans to go to college and took over. His father's life insurance paid off most of the mortgage, and Charlie had saved up enough to keep the lights on for a while. It had taken a lot of time, patience, and help from my dad, but Andrew had finally gotten his father's affairs in order and the bills sorted out.

When money started to get low, he told his mom it was time for her to go back to work. She seemed confused at first, but she had sat silently as he told her he was putting off school and getting a job at the local hardware store. He told her he would take care of her, but that he needed her help to make ends meet. He had called me that night because he could hear her crying through the walls.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother making eggs in the kitchen. It was the first time she had seemed alive since the accident. A few days after that she resumed her job as a nurse at the local emergency clinic. Things had slowly gotten better after that, and he had even hoped that he might still be able to go to school. That hope was quickly dashed when he went away for a week to volunteer with the middle school's outdoor education program and came back to find his mother in the hospital after a nervous breakdown.

She had panicked being on her own, the fear of Andrew leaving her like Charlie did completely overwhelming her. She had even called me half a dozen times in a panic trying to find Andrew. No matter how many times I told her where he was, she didn't believe me. I had eventually sent my dad to check in on her. That's how she got to the hospital. She was certain Andrew was gone forever. It had taken a week to get her to go back to work, and another month before she was back to 'normal'.

“I don't want to stay stuck in this stupid town because Mom can't be alone. She wasn't like this when Dad was around. Gramma says she wasn't like this growing up- she used to be fearless. Now all she is just a giant ball of fear walking around in skin. I don't know what to do. I hate this,” he finished softly, the energy gone from his voice.

A car passing by made the tear streaks on his face shine briefly. I hurt for him. Andrew was so much better than I could ever hope to be. He didn't deserve this. I put my hand on his shoulder, touching him gently to let him know he wasn't alone. I never wanted to let go.

“Andrew, I don't know if I can help at all. If I can, you let me know. If you want, I'll take her down to the city sometime if you want some time to yourself. Or whatever you need,” I said gently. I could feel him take a deep breath, shuddering slightly as he let it out.

“That would be great. Actually, just getting to talk to someone about her is great. Thank you Holly. I know you don't want to be here, but I'm glad you're back. Next time, you get to spill your guts about why you're back; more than just 'things didn't work out'. But seriously, thanks for making me vent. I needed it,” I could feel him move his hands through the dark to wipe his cheeks before placing his hand on mine. His hand was warm, his heat seeping into me, connecting us. The air seemed to crackle with potential. I started to move closer to him, wanting more of him, but his phone buzzed, discharging all the electricity in the air. He let go of my hand to pick it up, our connection broken.

“Mom, I told you I would be there soon... I'm fine, Mom. I'm with Holly, remember?” I sat back into my chair, feeling a strange thrill still lingering in my hand where he had touched me. I had never felt that kind of connection before. I could hear his mother over the phone, her electronic voice squeaking about dinner and worry. He put his hand over the mouthpiece and whispered, “Time to go.”

I started the car back up, blasting the defroster to remove enough fog from the windows to drive. It wasn't far, and by the time I reached Andrew's house, I could see clearly. He hopped out of the car and walked slowly up to the front door. As he reached for the handle, his mom opened the door, a look of relief filling her features. She waved to me as I backed out of the driveway, the warm light from the house spilling out into the night. It looked exactly the same as when my dad used to drop Andrew off after soccer practice. It made me heartsick for simpler times as I drove home, remembering how simple life was when we were children.