Drifting in and out, I’m finding it hard to shut my brain off. Every time I close my eyes I picture Jack on top of me. The more I try and fight the thoughts, the more vivid they become. He’s right here with me, right here inside my head. I close my eyes again, and I can hear the ripping of my shirt as Jack fists the fabric. I quickly sit up in the bed and grab my breast where he bit me. I can feel the sharp pain shooting through me again. Why can’t he leave me alone? Why can’t I get away from him? My gut is in knots, and I am shaking. I jump out of bed, run to the bathroom, and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. Since I haven’t eaten in over a day, there’s hardly anything left in me. I begin dry heaving painfully. My whole body is convulsing, and tears are streaming down my face. I close my eyes, and I see Jack’s murderous glare as he’s ripping off my underwear. I hear frantic screams. My mind is in overdrive, and I can hardly focus, but the screams are piercing. I cover my ears and shuffle back into the corner on my bottom. I have no idea where all the noise is coming from, but it’s scaring me.
Suddenly, the bathroom light turns on, and I see Jase run to me. He falls to his knees in front of me and grasps onto my wrists that are against my face. His lips are moving, but I can’t hear him over the screaming. I try and focus on his lips to make out what he is saying, and his voice begins filtering through. I can hardly hear him when he says, “It’s okay.” I continue to focus and the more I do, the more I can hear him and less of the screams. “It’s okay, Candace. I’m right here.” He pulls me to him and slowly rocks me back and forth. The swaying feels soothing in the madness around me. As he whispers, “Shhh,” into my ear, I realize that those screams I heard were coming from me. How can I be so disoriented? Terrified by what just happened, I feel myself being lifted off the floor. Jase scoops me up in his arms and carries me to the couch. I bury my head into his neck, fully embarrassed by what has just happened. I can barely comprehend it.
Setting me down, Jase walks into the kitchen and comes back with two bottles of water and a box of crackers. He twists the cap off of one of the bottles and hands it to me.
“Drink,” he says.
I lift the bottle to my lips and take a slow sip. The water burns along my scratchy throat as I swallow it down.
I shift uncomfortably on the couch. My whole body is sore, and my back is badly bruised and scabbed over. It makes it nearly impossible to not think about what happened. I wish I could ignore it, but I can’t because I hurt . . . everywhere. Sometimes when I move, I can feel the pain from his intrusion, and I want to throw up.
“What just happened?” he asks.
“I don’t know. It felt like a nightmare, but I was awake,” I say and take another drink.
Jase rests his elbows on his knees and clasps his hands together. Letting out a sigh, he says, “You scared the shit out me. I know you don’t want to talk, but maybe . . .” He trails off as my phone rings.
“You have my phone?” I ask.
Standing up and walking to the kitchen bar, he says, “Yeah, the nurse at the hospital gave me your purse.” He picks up my gold wristlet purse and hands it to me. I pull out my phone and swipe the screen to see that I have a few missed texts and a missed call from Kimber.
“Who was it?” Jase asks as he sits back down and starts opening the box of crackers.
“Kimber,” I say, fiddling with my phone.
“You should call her, she’s probably freaking out and wondering where you are,” he says, as he eats a cracker.
“Maybe later.” I set the phone down, lay my head back, and stare at the ceiling. I just want to hide here for a while longer. Maybe forever.
“She probably knows you’re with me. She sent me a text earlier asking if I knew where you were. I figured you didn’t want her to know just yet, so I didn’t respond.”
I let out a sigh, roll my head to the side, and look at Jase. I don’t want Kimber to ask me any questions, but I know there is no way around that. One look at my face and she’s going to flip. I can’t hide all the cuts and bruises. I look like hell.
Jase holds a cracker up to my mouth and when I open it, he shoves the cracker in and gives me a smirk. Chewing it up, I turn my body and lie on my back with my head in his lap. I stare up at him and say, “I don’t want anyone to know.”
He looks down at me, starts brushing through my hair with his fingers, and says, “I know, but she’s going to know that something happened. She’s going to want to know how you got all these bruises.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Why can’t you tell her? You know she wouldn’t say a word to anyone.”
“I just can’t. Even the way you look at me now is different.” I sit up and turn to look at him. “It makes me feel weird. It just reminds me that it happened, when all I want to do is forget.” I pull my knees up to my chest and lay my head on the back of the couch again.
Jase puts his hand on my knee and says, “You know you can’t do that. It did happen.”
The tears roll down my temples. “But why?” My voice is shaky as I speak. “I don’t understand what I did that was so wrong.”
Wiping away my tears with his thumb, he says, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then why did this happen to me?” I turn my head and look into his eyes, desperate for answers I know he doesn’t have.
He shakes his head, and his eyes start to rim with tears. “I don’t know, sweetie. But I do know that you didn’t do shit to deserve this. This isn’t your fault.”
“But maybe it is. I mean, I really led him on when I had no intentions of . . .”
Jase cuts me off me off and snaps, “You mean Jack did this?!”
My whole body turns cold. Oh shit! What is he going to do? I quickly sit up and turn towards him. “Jase, you can’t say anything,” I plead in a stern voice.
“Christ, Candace. I thought it was just some random asshole. Why didn’t you tell the police? Why didn’t you say anything?”