Lying back and turning his head to look at me, he says, “We’ll figure it out.”
As we lie here, staring at each other with no words, Jase holds my hand and laces his fingers through mine. This simple gesture comforts me in a way that only Jase can do. We have always been very affectionate with each other, but it has never felt weird. It was our natural chemistry from the moment we met our freshman year. And now, I feel like he is my only lifeline.
I lift up slightly and rest my head on his chest, and he wraps me in his arms. We decide, without spoken words, to remain in bed for the afternoon and nap. But just before I am about to doze off, I hear someone enter the apartment. Before I can sit up, Mark appears in the doorway of the bedroom.
I notice a shift in his eyes as he says, “Oh my God.”
I think for a moment that maybe he is upset that I’m cuddling in bed with his boyfriend, but that thought is quickly replaced with anxiety when he asks, “What the hell happened to your face, honey?”
Shit! I quickly try to cover what he has clearly already seen with my hands. Turning to Jase, I see he is already sitting up next to me, looking at me with the same worry that I feel. Mark’s eyes dart back and forth between Jase and I as we sit there, not knowing what to say because we never got around to discussing it.
“Um, hey. I’m sorry, but could you give us just a minute?” Jase asks.
Mark looks at me and then back at Jase before responding. “Yeah, man. Sure, I’ll just be in the other room.”
Mark turns and closes the door behind him, giving Jase and me some privacy.
“Shit, I’m so sorry,” I say as I rake my fingers through my hair.
“What for?”
“I don’t know, for having your boyfriend see us in bed together.”
“Don’t worry about it. I talk about you all the time. He knows how we are; it doesn’t bother him,” he says, reassuring me. He shifts his body to face me and continues, “Candace, I don’t know what to do here. I just got back together with Mark, and I can’t lie to him.”
I stare at him for a long while. We sit there, looking into each other’s eyes, and we don’t say a word. I can’t be selfish with Jase; I love him too much, and I know how happy he is to be with Mark again. But I can’t help to be terrified out of my mind. I lower my head and look down before I hesitantly nod.
Lifting my chin with his finger, he says, “Mark would never say anything. He isn’t like that, Candace.”
I am so scared and begin to cry at the thought of anyone else knowing. Jase wipes my tears and leans his forehead against mine.
“Don’t cry,” he whispers.
“I’m so embarrassed.”
Pulling me into his arms, he sighs, “I know you are, sweetie, but you shouldn’t be.”
He continues to hold me as my crying grows stronger. I bury my head in his neck and let it pour out of me as I feel him slowly rocking me back and forth. I don’t know how long I’ve been crying when I feel the bed dip down next to me and another hand on my back. I know that it’s Mark, and now I’m even more embarrassed that I can’t even look up. So I just stay there, in Jase’s arms, and cry.
As the tears start to slow and my body grows tired, Jase slowly pulls away. Fixing his eyes on mine with his eyebrows knitted together, I feel the bed shift again. I turn my head to see that Mark is kneeling beside the bed in front of me. I look down at him as he stares at me with nothing but concern. I’m no longer crying, but the tears keep falling, and I don’t know how to stop them.
He takes my hand before speaking. “Who did this?”
It’s pretty obvious that this didn’t happen by some accident by the way I was just sobbing for what felt like an hour. I can’t find any words though. I no longer feel the intense anxiety; I feel defeated. So, I just continue to stare at him.
Jase clears his throat before I hear him say, “Um . . . Candace was attacked Monday night.”
Hearing those words knocks the air out of me, and I lower my elbows to my knees and hide my face in my hands. Jase never takes his hand off of my back, but I now feel two more hands on my legs.
“What happened?” Mark asks.
I hear Jase let out a long sigh, and I start shaking my head in my hands. I know he’s about to say it. I’m scared to hear the words I know are coming any second. My body turns cold, and I tense up as I try desperately to hold onto the sob that is threatening to escape my chest.
Jase slides his hand up my back to my shoulder and squeezes tightly.
“She was raped.”
I feel Mark’s forehead fall to my knees, and the pain I was trying so hard to contain suddenly rips out of me, and I can do nothing but sob. My body begins to jerk when it becomes difficult to breathe.
The three of us sit there and cling to each other. How the hell did this become my life? I am not a weak person. I am strong and hold my emotions tight. I hardly recognize the weakness that is pouring out of me. Defeat. I am so tired and worn out. Exhausted.