‘Rainer,’ I pleaded. ‘Don’t do this.’
‘I deserve to know. And so does Nyla.’ She did, but that didn’t make it okay. The wounds between Phoenix and me were still raw. They probably always would be.
Phoenix abruptly dropped to his knees, his head bowed. ‘I am angel malign. My essence is selfish. I see the value and benefit of darkness in its most alluring state. And I am human in heart, able to love and feel in all its punishing ways. I am man enough to sacrifice my existence for my sins. But my nature is also dark enough to know that should my greatest temptation lie at my feet for the taking, I would never be able to deny myself. So, perhaps we are all lucky that she is not capable of that kind of love. For me.’
I dropped down in front of him, keeping a hold of Rainer’s hand. I ran my free hand through his beautiful hair in the first physical contact I’d had with him since he’d killed me. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for all the pain I caused you.’ A tear fell from my eye. ‘If I could go back and change it, I would,’ I whispered, my voice trembling. ‘I’ve caused so much pain and suffering and it’s ruined us all. You have to know that I never meant to hurt you.’
He grabbed me around the waist, pulling me to him, and buried his face against my shoulder like a child holding on for dear life. I didn’t move away; I just continued to run my hand through his hair.
He was such a tormented creature. What would become of him here?
I looked up at Rainer, who was watching on silently. ‘You cannot ask that he fight every part of his nature for his remorse to be true. Please. If he can’t have your forgiveness, then neither can I. His mistakes are mine to bear just as much as they are his.’
Phoenix held me tighter and I felt this angel, this man, come apart. He was vulnerable, afraid and, more than anything, he was utterly lonely.
Rainer nodded. ‘I can’t say that I perfectly agree, but I trust in your heart, Violet. I have seen your goodness.’ She looked at Phoenix. ‘I believe you are sorry and I’m grateful for your honesty. I imagine if Nyla were asked what she wouldn’t do for Rudyard, she would simply answer: nothing.’
I lifted Phoenix’s face up and looked into his chocolate eyes, which were churning with emotion.
‘This isn’t the place for you, is it?’ I asked, finally allowing my eyes to open and see what was becoming of him.
He shook his head, looking down again.
I tilted his chin up. ‘You’re here for me?’
He nodded.
‘But I can’t be what you want, Phoenix. You’ve known that all along.’
He nodded again.
Another tear fell down my cheek. ‘Well, what the hell are we going to do with you?’ I asked the universe in some kind of despairing plea.
He looked up. ‘You could come here. You could. They would allow it. You could leave everything else behind. The cold. I know you feel it all the time.’
I studied his face as he watched me intently. There was even a part of me that was tempted by the idea of leaving it all behind and finding some semblance of peace. But what peace would there be without him? Like it or not, Lincoln and I were tied together; whether I was a human or an angel, I couldn’t escape it. Nor could I leave him in a world without me when that was the very thing I couldn’t bear for him to do to me.
‘You already know I won’t do that. You already know it all, Phoenix. You’re an angel. You can see right into me.’
He was silent for a time. Then finally, he dropped his arms and stood, pulling me up with him.
He took a step back and cleared his throat. ‘You will need to move quickly. The souls have felt your presence before, Violet. They will find you quickly and try to take it from you.’
I nodded, expecting as much. ‘What about Rainer?’
He smiled sadly. ‘She will be protected. Only you are here in your life form. You have brought her with you but her essence and form remain behind. Though if you lose her here, it will not be good.’ He paused before adding, ‘I need to warn you against this, Violet. Your maker will not be happy. There will be a price, and I have no idea how high it will be.’
‘I know, Phoenix. This isn’t on you. But this is what you can do to help me make it right.’
His jaw clenched and he nodded tightly. ‘I can’t help you, but I can be here, like last time, to push you back in the right direction when you’re ready, but you’ll have to make it back to me.’
I swallowed, looking out towards the nothingness that held billions of tiny floating shimmers: lost and broken souls, searching for what they once had, desperate to feel something again.
‘Can you see them?’ I asked Rainer.
She shook her head. ‘I only see the darkness.’