Did I even want this to work? I didn’t know.
Why was I doing this? Because.
Nyla was a warrior. She was loved completely by Rudyard. I envied what they’d had.
So often I thought back to the night Griffin and I had gone hunting with them. We’d come across a small farmhouse with exiles and Nyla had gone into attack mode. It had surprised me at first that Rudyard had stood aside and let Nyla take the lead, placing herself in the most danger. I realise now that I was too naive to see that his actions showed a great love and understanding. That was his greatest sacrifice, for her. For them.
I remembered his words: ‘It will do her no favours if I throw myself in the line of fire just to be noble. Our relationship has gone beyond that.’
And so perhaps there was a chance that Nyla, broken as she was, would still choose to fight. And if I could give her that chance, I would. Because I knew better than anyone the suffering that resulted from others making life-and-death choices on your behalf.
‘Are you sure?’ Rainer asked, obviously seeing myriad thoughts flit over my face.
I nodded. Something told me the days ahead would change everything. This exile, Sammael, frightened me. That he had Spence frightened me even more. Instinct screamed that I might be walking towards my final battle.
‘There may not be another chance, Rainer. We should do this now. Close your eyes and breathe steadily; it can be unsettling.’
Rainer studied me for a moment before nodding and doing as I’d instructed. She’d read between the lines.
I took Rainer’s hand and closed my eyes. Although I had avoided doing it, I knew how to cross the realms. It was similar to using my Sight; I just hovered in a different place. Somewhere between life and possibility, between flesh and imagination.
Becoming increasingly aware of my surroundings – not the room and people but the air, the atmosphere, the gravity – slowly, I let it all fall away, all the things that anchored my body to this world. It was a strange sensation – being aware of my corporeal form and of my hand holding Rainer’s, knowing that I could take us somewhere new. Like Nox had once explained, it was like two worlds brushing together as curtains in the wind. When I was ready I simply faced the new direction and saw through the new window.
Finally, I opened my eyes and saw that we were in the abyss that I had once visited with Phoenix.
I looked around and wasn’t surprised to see him standing to the side, leaning against what looked like a granite wall sparkling with thousands of diamonds. Dressed all in black he looked to be almost melting into the wall. Apart from the last few days, it had been a long time since I had laid eyes on him. It would be a lie to say memory did him justice. And it wasn’t just his beauty, it was the rawness of the torment he carried about him; the kind that only aeons of time could etch out so masterfully.
Rainer opened her eyes, too.
‘Oh, my God,’ she whispered. ‘Is this Heaven?’
I smiled, remembering asking a similar question once. ‘Does it look like Heaven would to you?’ I replied, asking what had been asked of me.
She shook her head. ‘Not at all. Is it like purgatory? The in-between?’ she asked, unaware that Phoenix was standing behind her.
I shrugged. ‘Perhaps something like that. But I think it’s more a thought, like a physical space to represent a kind of nothingness. I’m still trying to figure it out.’ This place was not like the one I’d stood in last, where I’d had some kind of control. This was different. Not somewhere the angels or me could influence – this was ancient and eternal.
‘Is this the angel realm?’ Rainer went on, needing some kind of confirmation.
I realised that this was why the angels had let me believe it in the beginning, and I now understood the value. ‘In a way.’
She nodded, accepting this, and I noticed Phoenix smile softly.
‘I suppose it was only a matter of time,’ he said from behind Rainer, startling her.
When she spun around I kept a tight clasp on her hand.
‘Oh. Phoenix,’ she whispered and I could see her conflicting emotions. Phoenix had been blamed for Rudyard’s death, and for Nyla’s state. It hadn’t been his intention, but we all knew, even so, that it was his fault.
And mine.
He looked into Rainer’s eyes, his remorse heavy, his guilt honest. ‘I came to make sure the way is clear. I wish I could do this for you, but it is not permitted. Not even for her,’ he said, glancing at me. ‘I would give my life, my eternity, to right this wrong. But even for those of us who would give everything, it is not enough.’
‘Phoenix,’ I rasped, my cold heart thawing a little for him. I could see his anguish so clearly.
‘If you could have her,’ Rainer said suddenly, turning to me. Phoenix stiffened. ‘If Violet could be yours in every way. If your heart could be full and your future complete, would you give that? Would you give her up to take away your sins?’