“I’ve answered that door before. I know what comes on the other side. You’ve never had to be me. You have no fucking clue what this is like. The fear. The terror that eats at me with him gone. I’m pregnant—again. He’s in a hostile area with no coms. Don’t you dare judge me,” I spit the words like razors to cut her.
Yes, she’s my best friend, but she doesn’t get it. It’s the crippling fear of déjà vu that eats at me. But I have to move. I don’t get a choice. I have to answer that door.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
I lift myself and count the steps to the door. My mind starts to check off all the things that I’ll need to do.
My heart rate accelerates with each step, but I keep moving. I remind myself that I’m strong, resilient, and have my babies to think of.
I’ve done this once. I lived. I have to be strong for his child.
I open the door but no one is there. There’s a package on the ground.
The phone rings, and I close the door without even grabbing it. I rush over to the phone.
“Hello?” I don’t even look at the caller ID. I’m just grateful there’s no one at my door in a uniform.
“Lee,” Liam’s voice is thick and scratchy. Tears fall immediately. My hand clutches my chest and a sob escapes.
“Liam,” I say his name and sink down.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, I got the AmCross. I’m getting on a plane in a few hours.”
“I’m so . . . I can’t even talk,” I admit. “I was so scared.”
“I know. I’ll talk when I get to Virginia. Is she . . . ?” he asks hesitantly.
“She’s not doing well. You need to get home, and we’ll head to Ohio.”
“I love you, Lee.”
I smile with the taste of tears on my lips. It’s bittersweet, his return. It’s not the happy reunion we dreamed of. It’ll be getting off the plane and heading to another. We need to get to his mother as fast as we can.
“I love you. So much. Please don’t scare me again,” I request.
He lets out a deep sigh. “I gotta go. I’ll see you soon.”
“Yes, you will.”
The call disconnects and I sit there trying to muddle through my emotions. Relief, joy, sorrow, and fear all come flooding at the same time. It’s so many things to try to process at once.
Reanell sinks down next to me and pulls me into her arms. I lose it. I sob as she rubs my back without saying a word. It’s cathartic and draws new worries with each one I let go. I worry about the baby, Liam, Aarabelle, Aaron, Liam’s mother and father, but more than anything, I worry he has to go back.
“I’ve got her,” Aaron tries to reassure me—again. “I’ve been here almost every day and Paige will be here two of the days. I would never hurt her.”
“I know that,” I say exasperated. “I just want to make sure you’re sure.”
“It’s either I watch our daughter or the babysitter does. So I’d like to have this time with her. I missed so much of her life.”
Aaron has been great with Aarabelle, and he’s been trying so hard. Paige said she’d stay at my house to make sure Aaron didn’t need help. I’ve just never left her for so long before.
“Okay, thank you.”
He walks over and holds my shoulders. His light brown eyes stare me down. “I may wish we could’ve worked things out, but Liam was my best friend, he needs you, and I may be a fuck up, but I don’t want to watch him burn in hell. I hate that of all the people it was you two.” His hands drop. “I hate that he’s what you need and I’m not, but I did this to you. I deserted you when you needed me most and Liam loves you.” Aaron looks down at my stomach and closes his eyes. “He can give you things I couldn’t.”
“We’ll find a way for all of us. I know this is hard on you, and I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to.”
“One day, and for Aarabelle, we will.”
I look at her eating her breakfast and I nod. I’d sell my soul if it were for her happiness. Aarabelle is the one thing keeping all of us grounded. That little girl has saved us all. I walk over and kiss her cheek.
“I’ll miss you. Mommy has to go get Liam.” She smiles and looks away, oblivious.
“Go, Lee.” Aaron grabs my bag and heads toward the door.
I went to the doctor yesterday and she said everything was fine. She told me to go but to take it easy. At this point, there’s nothing we can do to stop a miscarriage, but she wants me to rest as much as I can. Considering we’re heading to a hospital, at least I’ll be close to medical attention.
Now to tell Liam and pray he’s happy about it.
“Thanks again,” I say to Aaron as I open the car door.
“Give him my condolences. He was really close with his parents. Also, tell Aidan I’m sorry for his loss. I know how much it . . .” he trails off. “Drive safe and I’ve got Aara.”
“I’ll tell him,” I lean in and embrace him. He flinches and glances at my stomach once again. It’s awkward, but Aaron is still my oldest friend.
My hands drop, and I rush out the house. Once I get in the car, I smile and head to see the love of my life.
Waiting for this plane to land is more painful than shoving bamboo splints in my nails. Each time I hear the engines, my heart speeds up. I think it could be the one and then it’s not and my stomach drops. I sit in the most uncomfortable chair at the Navy airfield. Mason called ahead and got me access to be able to pick Liam up.