Liam lifts our hands then kisses the top of my hand. “I can’t promise you anything in regards to this, Lee. You know that. I know it sucks worrying about me when I’m gone, but I can only promise that I love you and I’m doing everything I can.”
He’s right and I know that I have to be strong. I don’t doubt our love. I know what we have is special but it’s also fragile. We live in a world where they are trained to think they’re invincible. They take chances everyday people don’t take.
“You mean so much to me,” I explain.
“Relax, I’m here now. We’ve got a long few days ahead of us.”
I lay my head against his shoulder and inhale his scent. The sandalwood and cologne takes me back to where it all started. The way he held me and calmed me. I allow that feeling to wash over me again.
He doesn’t say anything, but I know it’s because his mind is lost on his mother. He lifts the seat divider and tucks me against his chest. My hand rests on his heart, and he keeps his on my belly. The exhaustion and overload of emotions takes over and we both fall asleep.
“Hey,” Liam’s voice breaks through my sleep-induced fog. “Come on, sweetheart.”
He nudges me a little and I get up. “I haven’t slept that good in a long time.” I smile, and he looks at my stomach.
He puts his bags down and grabs my hips. I watch in awe as his head lowers and he kisses my belly. “Hi.” Tears well in my eyes. “I’m going to be your Daddy.”
A woman behind Liam stands with her hand over her chest. My fingers touch his dark brown hair and gently move of their own accord. He amazes me with the amount of care and tenderness he has. He’s killed people, interrogated terrorists, climbed mountains, and who knows what, but with me . . . he’s different.
Liam’s head lifts and he kisses me, grabs the bags, and smiles.
“Why do you have to be so perfect?”
“Because I was made for you.”
“There you go again.” I smile and shake my head.
“You like me this way.”
“I guess so,” I shrug my shoulders and start to turn, but Liam grabs my hand. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know that I can say goodbye to her,” he admits. “I didn’t even see her before I left. I mean, what kind of piece of shit doesn’t say goodbye to his own mom before deployment?”
The guilt rises because instead of Liam going home to see his family, we went away.
“I’ll be with you the entire time,” I try to reassure him. This will be hard on him and his father. I know what loss feels like, and I can only hope I give them a tiny amount of comfort.
We grab a cab then head toward the hospital. Liam is filled with nervous energy as his leg bounces and he keeps grabbing his neck. I’ve been there and I’m relying on my own memories to help get him through this. I remember the things I hated, but then in my situation, I also didn’t know it was coming. I was distraught, but I try to imagine how it would be to know this is happening. To watch someone you love die must be worse.
Liam calls his father and he instructs us where to go.
“Liam,” his father says in a half cry as he sees him.
“Dad.” He takes him into his arms and both men begin to lose it.
“I can’t lose her, son. I don’t know a world without her.” He cries on his shoulder and tears stream down my cheek. His father looks up and steps back. “You must be Natalie.”
I nod and walk to him. “I am. I’m so sorry we are meeting this way.” I go to shake his hand, but he embraces me immediately.
“I’ve heard so much about you and your daughter.” He lets me go and Liam smiles.
Liam pulls me to his side then kisses my temple. He murmurs, “Go sit. It’s been a lot of time on your feet.”
I nod my agreement. I head over to a chair while the two men talk. He fills Liam in on more details, and Liam’s head falls into his hands. They both cry with each other as they mourn the fact that she will never recover. She’s on full life support and Aidan has been keeping her alive so Liam could say goodbye.
Liam heads over to me and squats down, taking my hand in his and rubbing his calloused thumb across the delicate skin. “I have to go in there,” A tear falls. “I need you with me. I need to introduce you to her and tell her about our baby.”
The sorrow in his eyes mirrors mine. I don’t say anything, but I stand. He tugs me against his side and holds my hip. We walk slowly and I wrap my arms around his torso. I hold him while he holds me. I know he’s hurting. You can feel it coming off of him. The smell of bleach and despair filters through the air.
He stops and glimpses at me as the mask I know all too well slips into place. He’s shutting himself off to try to ease the pain. But I’m also aware that it doesn’t stop it. You may think it does. You only hope to cloak yourself in the delusions of being fine. The pain though doesn’t care. It penetrates through the open fibers, seeps through your soul, and eats at you if you let it. I won’t let it consume him though. I’ll fight for him to come to the light just as he did for me.