We hang up and I look at my best friend’s house. Where hopefully some of the answers lie. I grab my bag, let out a deep breath, ring the doorbell, and my stomach drops.
“Hi,” Reanell says and looks away. “I figured it was a matter of time.”
“You know?” I ask with my mouth agape.
“Come in,” she opens the door then steps back.
I want answers.
“What’s going on?”
Reanell sighs while she chips at her nails. “I can’t tell you, Lee. You know I can’t, but I can’t not tell you either.”
My chest tightens and my mouth goes dry.
Please, if there’s a God anywhere, I’m begging you to not do this to me. I can’t handle it.
Something’s wrong and I’m going to lose it all again. Only this time there won’t be any coming back.
We both look at each other as her face falls. She doesn’t want to hurt me, it’s clear in her eyes, but she’s going to. Reanell, who usually has no problem saying anything, shifts her weight back and forth as she waits for me to say something.
“Rea?” I ask with dread. “You have to tell me.”
She lets out a long breath and then her eyes flash with resolve. “Fuck OpSec. I talked to Mason today and he figured you’d be here already,” she pauses and I bite back the bile threatening to choke me.
My breaths come in short bursts, “I-I . . . please don’t.” I heave and put my hands on my knees.
Reanell is at my side rubbing my back. “Lee, calm down. Listen to me, please.” I stand slowly, and she walks with me over to the couch. “They’re out on a mission. It wasn’t supposed to be a long one from what I understand. All Mason said is they’ve gone dark for some reason. They can’t establish coms and can’t get in touch with him to relay the information. They’ve missed the last three checkpoints, but they have one more window. If they don’t answer by then, Mason is sending a team in.”
I close my eyes and try to focus on breathing. He has to be alive. There’s no way he’d leave me like this.
“He’ll be fine,” I say with defiance. “He knows what he’s doing.” I stand and grab my bag.
“Lee, talk to me.” Reanell stands and clutches my hand.
“I have to go food shopping. I’ll see you later.” I squeeze her hand and look for my keys.
“Food shopping?” her voice is high. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“We need food in the house. We didn’t have food in the house the last time, and I need to make sure we can eat,” I explain as if it should be obvious. “When Aaron died, I remember wanting some chips and we didn’t have any. I need to get food. And chips. Maybe some chocolate or ice cream. I should probably have a variety of things, because I don’t know what I’ll crave this time. If I leave now, I can get home in time to do some other errands.”
“Natalie,” her voice is soft. “Stop.”
“No, you stop!” I can’t take anymore. “I need to go grocery shopping. I have to do something, because if I stop, if I take a minute to pause, I’m going to go insane. Do you not see the irony?” I pause. “I’m pregnant—again. I’m having a miracle, and I’m going to lose my other one. I need food in the house. I need to clean so that the next time I see you, I’m prepared.”
As much as I want to cry, I can’t. The tears sit on the cusp, but they won’t come. I need to keep moving and get ready for what seems to be inevitable in my life. Hope that was springing to life dies before it blooms. I should’ve known better than this. Liam warned me that his life would always be like this. He told me before we started this that he could die.
“Okay. You just don’t know anything yet. I’m here though. I trust in Mason and Liam. Don’t let fear lead you down a road you don’t need to be on.”
“I’m not scared. I’m just ready for the inevitable.”
I lied to myself over and over that I could handle that possibility. I can’t lose him. I can’t stand by his casket and relive that again. Respecting death is his deal, because if this plays out poorly, it’ll be my heart that never beats again.
“Lee . . .”
“No, I should go. I shouldn’t have asked you to tell me.”
Rea steps closer, “I would’ve been at your house in about five minutes. I promise I’ll call if I know anything. I have hope, Lee.”
She pulls me into her arms as I block out the fear. I can’t let myself go down this road. There’s too many variables and too much at stake. Hope doesn’t grant you wishes. It doesn’t paint you pretty pictures or give you a place of relief. It’s something we hold on to when we need something to believe in. I believe in truth and facts. Right now, the only thing I know is he’s missing and could be dead.
Once in the car, I head to the grocery store. I’m in a fog. People move around me, but I don’t notice. I just know that I need to keep going. My cart squeaks against the floor as I head through the aisles. I place things in the cart all the while desperately trying to feel a connection to him.
“Ma’am?” A woman in her early forties places her hand on my shoulder.
“Yes?” I ask.
“Are you okay?” The concern in her voice is soothing.