Bullet

chapter Twenty-two



TRYING NOT TO make a big deal out of it was difficult. Brad and Zane were working out some music in the big bedroom when Ethan and I got back, and Nick was on the computer. I couldn’t be sure, but I guessed he was checking out some porn, just based on the abashed look on his face when we walked in. At least I was able to see his hands.

Ethan followed me to my bedroom, giving me another long, luxurious kiss, maybe to remind me that I really wanted to follow through. I grabbed a small bag and put a change of clothes inside, but I didn’t imagine I’d need much of anything else. I didn’t even know if we were going to spend the night. Ethan said, “Wait just a minute,” and left my room, only to return a few minutes later. He had half a bottle of vodka and a grin on his face. “Can you fit this in your bag?”

I shrugged. “Sure.”

We left a few minutes later, and as we were walking down the stairs toward the parking garage, Ethan said, “I didn’t say anything, except to tell them to not make us dinner and not to wait up for us.”

I let out a long, slow but quiet breath. “That was probably enough.”

“Stop it, Val. This is gonna be fun.”

When we were in the truck and on the road, Ethan suggested Chinese takeout. And I recognized the motel when he parked there. “Want me to pay half?”

He looked at me for a second as though considering it. “Nah. Wait here.”

I hated being left alone, because that’s when I got really keyed up. As it was, I felt on edge. The anticipation and not knowing exactly what to expect had me feeling nervous and hyper. But Ethan didn’t seem to notice.

When we got in the room, we used the plastic forks he’d gotten and just ate straight out of the cartons. I didn’t even know what he got, but I wasn’t hungry, and I only picked at them anyway. He wound up eating a lot more than I did. When we finished, he said, “Relax, babe.” He got the bottle of vodka and persuaded me to take just one big gulp. He promised it would help take the edge off. Then he sat behind me on the bed and massaged my shoulders for a minute like he had a few days earlier. “Seriously, Val. Relax.” He pulled my hair back toward him and started kissing my neck. I tilted my head the other way so he could kiss it more easily. I exhaled, enjoying the feel of his warm lips against my skin. My nipples grew rigid fast, as though it were cool in the room. But it wasn’t cold at all; in fact, it felt like it was starting to heat up.

He brought his lips to my ears, sending another vibration through my body. “Hey…I just want you to know…we don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to feel any pressure. Just…stay with me tonight.”

I nodded and turned my head, and he kissed me on the lips then. Oh, I wanted to do everything, but it made me feel a little better that he wasn’t in any hurry, and he wasn’t going to force me to do anything. He moved his lips back to my ear. “Why don’t we take a shower?”

I didn’t have to think about it, even though my hesitation might have made him think I was pondering it. But I said okay.

And he led me in that tiny, plain bathroom with the bone-colored shower curtain. He leaned over and turned the water on, holding his hand under the stream to check the temperature. Then he stood up, and his eyes drilled into mine. He grabbed the tiny bar of soap off the counter and ripped the paper off, then set the bar on the edge of the tub. He returned his gaze to me and pulled his shirt off, letting it drop to the floor. I felt my mouth filling with saliva, hungry for him, but I felt awkward, not knowing what to do or where to start. My inexperience was showing, and that made me feel even more out of place.

But I didn’t mind looking at his naked upper body. Ethan might not have made working out a priority, but he didn’t have to. He had a naturally masculine physique, and he wasn’t bulky. He already had the rock star fit look down. Not thick and muscular, but lean and solid. He had very little hair on his chest, but he had a line down the center of his abdomen, leading down under the waistband of his jeans, and I almost blushed, thinking I’d be looking at it in a minute.

He smiled at me as though he could work out what I was thinking. And maybe he did know, because as he kicked off his sneakers, he was unbuttoning his jeans. My eyes were riveted. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to mind. It was like I was frozen, though, fascinated and curious as hell. Before I knew it, he was peeling off his underwear too, and there it was, big and thick and engorged.

I’m sure my eyes grew wide. Remember, I was naïve and had been sheltered. The only penises I’d ever seen had been in art books or the occasional flash in a movie. And those ones were flaccid. And I’d always wondered exactly how they could fit inside me. Yes, I understood the basic concept, but I didn’t expect a penis to be so…big. So my nervousness ratcheted up a notch, but I knew it was natural. And, besides, I’d had friends joke around about wanting them bigger, so surely it was okay…right?

Yeah, I’d been staring, and Ethan seemed fine with it. He got close and slid his hand over my cheek, pulling me into a kiss. Then he stepped back—just a little—and started lifting my shirt up over my head. I raised my arms. I know I was still kind of in a state of shock, but it wouldn’t have surprised me if I’d been grinning. I finally was able to move again, and I started fumbling with the button on my jeans. He smiled at me, ever patient, and reached behind me to undo the clasp on my bra. He was pulling it down my arms before I could even start shimmying my jeans down my thighs.

“God, you’re beautiful.”

I swallowed and felt my cheeks grow warm. He pulled me into a kiss again, and my nipples brushed against his chest. Oh. I liked that. That feeling was nice. It was stimulating, and I felt a shiver travel up my spine.

“Let’s get these off,” he said and started tugging at my jeans. He dropped to his knees and pulled them down to my ankles. Then he slipped first one of my shoes off, then the other. Like I was a child, he took off my socks and slid my pants the rest of the way off. Then he stood and kissed me one more time. He turned the knob to start the shower stream and pulled the curtain closed, then leaned over to pull his own socks off. When he stood, he said, “Valerie, you don’t need to be ashamed of your body. You are f*cking incredible.”

I wasn’t sure why he’d said that until I’d realized my arms were wrapped around my breasts, holding them tightly against my chest. And, really, he’d called it. My parents were good people, but they were the very definition of puritanical. My body wasn’t made to be appreciated. Anything potentially prurient or arousing had to be covered up, and—thus—bikinis and revealing tops were out of the question. Yes, I was young and probably would have chosen to avoid clothing like that anyway, simply because I was young and shy about my body. But even thinking about it had been out of the question, so I knew covering my breasts had been a subconscious reaction to Ethan’s overt admiration of my body. Even so, with his acknowledgement of it, I didn’t immediately remove my arms. He could tell me not to be embarrassed or ashamed all he wanted, but I had to get over whatever hang-ups I had first…and I also had to accept myself as a sexual creature.

I gave him a small smile, and he pulled me close once more, immersing me in a scorching kiss that took my breath away, and by the time he was done, I had relaxed my arms to return the embrace. He led me into the shower where we both stood halfway under the cascading water, and I was buried in a flood of sensations. He just kissed me for a few moments, maybe to help me relax. Oh, but it did nothing to relax me. I was wound up—I didn’t know that my nerves had been so full of foreign chemicals before, and I wasn’t quite sure how to handle the feelings.

He reached over to grab the bar of soap, and he rolled it in one of his hands to work up a lather. Then he rubbed his soapy hand across my collarbone at first, sending new tingles throughout my body, but he didn’t linger there long. With another broad stroke, he ran his hand over the tops of my breasts and then in another sweep ran it across the center, brushing both nipples as he passed over. I was immersed in a flood of sensations, overly stimulated, and I couldn’t keep up. I hadn’t been touched this way before—ever—not even by myself, so it felt good but confusing too. I decided to try to focus my attention on him instead of the weird way my body was reacting.

I wanted to touch his chest. It had been beckoning to me anyway, and I placed my tentative fingertips on his pecs. I liked the flesh there—how it was smooth but firm. And I’d had the right idea. Yeah, I was still aware of how his hands on my naked body felt, but giving myself something to do somehow grounded me, made me feel like I could keep up with what felt like a crazy race. I continued a path, working down to his abs where that tempting trail of hair was, almost like an arrow pointing down to one of my main points of fascination, that body part he had but I didn’t. It was then that, while I could see his hands gently cupping my breasts, I noticed the stark contrast between his skin and mine. His was darker but mine was milky white, and I wondered if it was because this skin now exposed to the man about to become my lover had never—literally never—seen the sun. There wasn’t a freckle or a blemish on my skin, and it was oh, so pale. But then I noticed my nerves again…probably because I’d taken my attention off him and back to myself and that delicious but unfamiliar feeling of having a man tease my nipple. So I ran my fingers over his abs a few times, trying to zero in on the feelings I was creating.

“You can touch me there.”

I looked at him. Oh, that. Yes, that. That gigantic cock that kept poking me, kept wanting to find its way inside me. Oh. He was giving me permission, encouraging me. He wanted me to do what I knew I’d been considering in the back of my mind but just hadn’t had a moment to fully process. So why the hell not?

I looked at him and grinned…just a small one, and I took the soap from him. I rolled the tiny bar in my right hand and then put it in the soap dish jutting out of the shower wall and touched him. It was a tiny touch at first, because it was something I’d never done before, so I was hesitant, and I also wanted to relish it for the first time. I touched his cock with both my hands, loosely holding it at first, but then taking first one hand and then the other down its length.

I looked at him, and his small smile was overshadowed by what I could see in his eyes—desire, hard and furious, ready to consume me. I might not have quite known what I was doing back then, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew he appreciated my hands on his penis, no matter how inexpert they were. “Like that?”

“Any way you want, babe.”

And I felt another chill climb my spine like an electric pulse. I liked how he’d been calling me babe, like it was a term of endearment. It made me feel special, even though in the darkest corners of my mind I suspected he’d called many a woman that very same name. I continued to stroke the length of his penis, now with more control and firmness. Then I looked at him to see most of his hair plastered to his head and neck from the water of the shower, and his eyes were dark, almost possessed. He pulled me close, enveloping me in a deep, powerful kiss, my hands still wrapped around his unrelenting cock.

He turned off the water and grabbed one of the white fluffy towels hanging on the shiny silver rod next to the shower. He dried off my front first, with little pats all along my body, but he rested on his knee as he dried my legs, and then he kissed my belly, just above my navel. And as he wrapped the towel around the back of my legs and started to stand, he licked one of my nipples and then drew it into his mouth, and I pulled in a sharp breath of air. He kept drying off my back until he’d reached my neck and then rubbed it against my hair to absorb most of the water dripping off the strands on the end.

He toweled himself off too but without the attention he’d just given me.

Gone was the notion of not doing anything, of the pretense earlier of just spending the night together. He and I, at this point, both knew that the shower activities were about to culminate in one thing, and it wasn’t going to be just lying next to each other on the bed like a couple of grade school kids watching TV.

Still, when we got to the bed and he pulled back the covers, inviting me to lie down and warm up underneath the blanket, he gave me the option. In spite of the fact that the weather wasn’t cool, I felt chilly. My wet hair was clinging to my back and neck, making it worse. But he slid under the blanket right next to me. We lay on our sides, facing each other, and he got close to me, wrapping his arms around me. “You’re cold.”

“Yeah.” My teeth were almost chattering, but I knew it wasn’t just the temperature. It was my excitement.

He kissed me again, and the heat and passion from his kiss, from his skin, from his body warmed me up. No…I knew I was as ready as I was going to get, and even though I was nervous and had no idea what to expect, really, I wanted to. He kept kissing me, and his penis was pushing against me again, making me want him.

And he was so patient. “Val, you sure you wanna do this?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

Well, I hadn’t even noticed that he’d prepared already. He had a condom on the nightstand, and he grabbed it, ripping the package open. Now was the moment of truth, the moment I’d been waiting for. He sheathed that beast and then moved on top of me. My breathing had turned shallow as my nerves threatened to turn my entire body into a puddle of jelly, but he kissed me again, helping me to relax once more. “Ready?”

Why would he even ask that? “Yeah.” And I gazed into his green eyes, now dark with desire yet filled with a tenderness I’d never seen from him before. His legs were between mine, but I hadn’t spread my legs apart or bent them or anything. I felt awkward again and embarrassed by my inexperience. He kissed me again and I closed my eyes, allowing myself to be consumed again by the desire I felt, and then he thrust himself into me. I cried out. I hadn’t expected it to hurt that badly. But it did, and it felt like he’d hit a wall inside me, one that was ripping as he forced himself against it. “Oh, shit!”

He stopped. “Does that hurt?”

“F*ck, yes.” I swallowed, now feeling a wave of panic overcome me, but then I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath. In theory—yes, only in theory—I’d known it would hurt; I’d known to expect pain; I just hadn’t been prepared for how badly it would hurt. But, logically, I knew it would have to be done. I wasn’t going to spend my entire life as a virgin.

“Do you want me to stop?”

Another deep breath. “No.”

“Do what you gotta do to make it through, babe. Bite, scratch, claw, scream, whatever.”

I didn’t plan to take out my pain on him, but it was nice to know I had an option. And then he forced himself through that barrier that, once broken, changed me from child to woman. I felt it give way, but my walls had to collapse to his girth as well. He wasn’t rushing, but each thrust wrought fresh pain. And it was like he was moving in slow motion, so it felt prolonged. My breath became jagged as I tried to fight the pain, and I just squeezed my eyes shut, hoping he’d be done soon.

He did stop soon after, and as he lay there catching his breath, I noticed my fingers were digging into the flesh of his back. I pried them off, straightening them out and opening my eyes. He was still inside me but not moving, and I wasn’t complaining. The fact that he was still was a relief. He looked at me then. “You okay if I pull out now?” Well, I knew it was going to bring a new wave of raw pain, but then the healing process would begin. For now, it was like a splinter stuck in my foot. Yes, stepping on the splinter had hurt and digging it back out would cause even more pain, but it would start to feel better once removed. So I nodded, my lips pursed together, braced and ready.

I didn’t cry out, although my natural inclination might have been to do just that. I was biting my lip as he pulled himself out. He wasn’t going too slow or too fast, and it didn’t hurt as much as I’d been expecting. I let out the breath I’d been holding in as he rolled onto the bed.

I just lay there, concentrating on my breathing, focusing on relaxing. He removed his condom and then rolled on his side to face me, so I rolled on my side as well. That felt like fresh hell, but I tried not to let it show on my face.

And the look on his face was rare and…beautiful. He looked happy, and that wasn’t a typical look for Ethan. He looked peaceful. He stroked my hair with his hand. “You okay?”

I nodded. The way he was looking at me made everything okay. I smiled at him, letting him know I was fine. “Yeah. Had to be done, right?”

He grinned. “No, not really. You could’ve decided to become a nun. They don’t have to do this, you know.”

I smiled again, sliding my arm under the pillow. “I think in the long run that’d be more painful.”

“How?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to tell him what I was thinking. But I knew now. I’d been experiencing some kind of awakening, and for all I knew, all girls went through it, but maybe I was a late bloomer. Whatever the case, there was a sexual creature inside me that had been trapped, and once she’d discovered there was an escape, she would have pushed to get out. I knew sex wouldn’t ever hurt like tonight again. I knew there was some sort of sensual nirvana waiting for me, some revelation I had yet to discover. Inside, I realized that. And to deny that to myself my entire life would have hurt far worse than the temporary pain I’d endured to pass into womanhood. And I wasn’t kidding myself either. I knew I’d be hurting all night long, but it would soon pass. I looked in Ethan’s green eyes, softer than I’d ever seen them before, and maybe that was due to the shitty lighting in the motel room, but he seemed open and vulnerable then. Part of me wanted to tell him all my thoughts, but I too felt too exposed. And after all we’d been through, another part of me felt like I couldn’t fully trust him. Oh, I wanted to. After all, I’d trusted him with one of the most sacred parts of myself that night. But I wasn’t ready to tell him of my growing self-awareness, of my awakening identity. I didn’t know that I wanted to tell anyone, because I didn’t fully understand it yet. My smile was shy. “I dunno. Could you imagine spending your whole life not having sex?”

He stroked my hair again. “Yeah, but my first time was nothing like that.” He got closer and kissed me on the forehead.

“I’m okay.”

He rested his hand on my neck. There was something in his eyes, but I just couldn’t read it. What the hell was he thinking? “I love you, Val.”

Oh. Oh, wow. Yeah, I loved him back, but for him to say it…and to say it first. Holy crap. Everything I’d ever heard about dysfunctional relationships (which I’d suspected we had) had made me believe I’d be the only one to ever say it, to ever really feel it. But there it was. He’d said it, and it took my breath away. I don’t know that I was able to smile because I was so overwhelmed. But I said it back. “I love you too, Ethan.” And then, seeing how his eyes lit up, I did smile.

He pulled me closer then, holding me in his arms, and after a while, I heard his breathing grow quiet but rhythmic. His chest rose and fell slowly at the same intervals, and I knew he’d gone to sleep. I shifted, but just a little, because every motion below my waist reminded me of the pain that was still with me. I wished he was still awake, because I wanted him, needed him. I wanted to talk to him, but then I realized I also just needed time for me.

I was overwhelmed with so many emotions, the first of which was my feelings of love for this man that had intensified. Before, yes, I had felt love for Ethan, but nothing like this. It was multiplied now and heavy, stretching into the deep caverns of my soul. I wasn’t sure how to process it.

And then I was also almost giddy that I had just made a passage. I was no longer a girl. Truly, I’d been moving to womanhood already. I’d been responsible for my own care for more than a year, what with living on my own at school, but somehow losing my virginity not only symbolized that process but affirmed it.

Lying there thinking about that, I then thought about my dad of all people. I was no longer daddy’s little girl. I was no longer his precious pearl, and he could no longer protect me from the world, from the beauty and wonder nor from the pain and torment. I wondered what he and my mom would think if they knew. I knew from the experiences over the past summer that they trusted me. Whether that was due to realizing that they had to let go and let me make my own mistakes or if they just thought I was a young woman of incredible self-restraint, I didn’t know.

There was no clock in that hotel room, so I had no idea how long I lay there. Ethan rolled over after a long while, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Between them and the pain, I lay awake until what I was sure was early morning…all by myself.

* * *

I heard that annoying ringtone. It wouldn’t stop. And then I realized it was my cell phone on the nightstand next to the bed. By the time I had my bearings and sat up, the ringing stopped.

Oh, the bed was too soft. I didn’t want to get up. I noticed Ethan wasn’t in the bed anymore, and I wondered where he was until I heard him running water in the bathroom. I blinked a few times and picked up my phone to see who was calling. I didn’t recognize the number, so I wasn’t going to worry about it, but then I saw that I had a message. I listened to it and found it was a man from a sub shop I’d applied to the week before, wanting to schedule an interview with me.

I smiled. No, I didn’t want to work for a sub shop, but I did want a job. Sexually, I might have started my journey to womanhood less than twenty-four hours ago, but in terms of worries and the need to survive, I’d become a full-fledged adult the week before. A job, no matter what kind of job it was, would make me feel like I had more control over my destiny. Until we were earning serious money making music (which might never happen), I wanted a backup plan, and I was starting to wonder why I was the only one—aside from Brad, of course—who seemed concerned about it.

I decided I’d call when we got back to the apartment. I wasn’t anywhere near being in a state of mind that would allow me to sound professional or capable. I was still half asleep and emotionally charged.

Ethan came out of the bathroom. “Was that your phone?”

“Yeah. I need to schedule a job interview.” I stood up…slowly. I felt better than I had the night before, but the pain was still raw. I’d want to take my time, but I wanted to brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on some clothes. Yes, clothes first. My body wasn’t used to being bare, and the air on my skin felt strange. I found my bag on a chair near the front door and picked it up.

“You okay, Val?”

I stood up and smiled. “Yeah, I’m fine. What about you?”

As I made my way toward him (and the bathroom door behind him), he met me halfway. “I’m fine, but I didn’t go through what you did. Maybe we should get you some Tylenol or something.”

I let out a small chuckle. “I’ll be fine.”

He grabbed me around the waist. Unlike me, Ethan had jeans on again. And, truth be told, he didn’t know how desperate I was to get clothes on. He kissed me on the forehead. He looked worried. “You sure?”

“Yes. I just want to get cleaned up a little.”

While in the bathroom, in spite of the discomfort, I allowed my mind to drift back to the night before. I knew it was an experience I wouldn’t soon forget. I’d seen a side of Ethan that I’d never seen before and that, frankly, I doubted very many people ever had or would. It was a sweet, tender side, one that was okay with being a little vulnerable. I didn’t anticipate seeing it very often either. That was all right, though, because I’d seen it and wanted to hold that memory in my heart.

And, so, while I brushed my teeth and finger-combed my hair, I found myself smiling more and more. I was glad I’d done it and glad it was with Ethan. Somehow, I knew this was just the beginning of a beautiful journey.