chapter Twenty-one
I CAME TO the conclusion that I had been a spoiled, pampered child my entire life. Why? Well, I hadn’t been impressed with my dorm room my freshman year in college, but I hadn’t minded the austere, plain feel of the rooms. After all, I was there to learn, not to feel like I was staying in a resort. But my new digs were anything but comfortable.
I knew I had no right to complain. We had a place that protected us from the elements. Everything inside worked—the shower, the toilet, the lights, the oven, you name it. But it felt old and uncared for. The walls were supposed to be white, but they were dingy. The carpeting in the living room was rust colored. It was worn and had seen better days. The kitchen table was past the point of looking distressed. It was just old. The linoleum in the kitchen had chips and dents in it and, around the stove, there were burn holes. The fixtures in the bathroom were all green and looked like they were thirty or forty years old.
I tried to keep a positive attitude, but I could tell the place could get me down. My two pieces of luggage and three boxes sat in a corner of the smaller bedroom, and the five of us met in the living room to discuss our arrangements. I wasn’t a good enough actress to hide my dismay. I hadn’t had enough time to work on hiding how I really felt, and Brad noticed. “What’s wrong, Val?”
I let out a breath. “I know we checked out this place before, and it was all we could afford, but am I the only one who thinks it’s depressing here?”
His smile was gentle. “Yeah…it’s not the greatest. But it’ll be what we make it, right? Besides, we don’t want to spend much time here anyway. We want to be out playing gigs all the time. Am I right?”
I forced a smile back. He was right. I nodded. “Yeah, I know. I’ll get over it.”
“I don’t know how much practice we’ll be able to get in, guys, at least plugged in. We’ll have to check with our neighbors…”
“We don’t have to crank it.”
“It just gonna be harder to write new stuff, but we’ll manage. The big bedroom’s on the corner of the building, so if we’re gonna plug in and practice, I think that’s where we need to.” The guys agreed. “Now…living arrangements. I really think Val should have the little bedroom, the one with the twin bed.”
“That doesn’t seem fair, Brad. There’s one of me and four of you. I can sleep on the couch, and you guys can share the rooms.”
“Bullshit. I promised your dad we’d keep our hands off.”
“That doesn’t mean I need my own bedroom.”
“It does in my mind. You need a place where you can feel safe, where you can have some privacy. You won’t have to worry about one of us walking in while you’re changing clothes or staring at you while you’re sleeping.”
I started giggling. “Should I have had to worry about that before?”
Brad smiled, but he was all business now. He was again taking on his role as our natural leader. “Now…as to the other bedroom, we’re not gonna fight over it. Us guys are gonna share. We bought two cots today at an army surplus store for cheap, and when we’re not using them, we can store them in the closet over there. Not the best plan, but it works.”
Ethan said, “So we’re just gonna use the big bedroom for our gear?”
“No. One of us will sleep on that bed, one on the couch, two on the cots in the living room. We’re gonna get a calendar, and each one of us will get the bedroom the same amount of days every month on a rotating basis.”
Nick said, “I don’t give a shit where I sleep, man.”
Zane elbowed him in the ribs. “Yeah, but if you have a girl wants to get friendly with you…”
Quiet Nick made my jaw drop. “I don’t give a shit where I f*ck, man.”
Zane started laughing. “No, but she might.”
Brad started in again. “We’ll arrange the details tomorrow, and I think we need to schedule chores too. Don’t give me that look, Ethan. You know goddamned well that if we don’t map out who has to take out the trash that we’ll live like pigs, and Val will get stuck cleaning up, just because she actually gives a shit. Right?”
I smiled. Brad always seemed to have my back, and I was beginning to appreciate how much thought he’d given everything.
Ethan said, “Fine. Whatever. But don’t expect me to wash dishes every day.”
“No one’s gonna expect that. So…there’s a dresser and a closet in each room. Let’s figure out who needs what. Val, if you have extra space in your room for clothes, would you mind sharing?”
“No problem. I’ll unpack my clothes first.”
And so, even though the place wasn’t comfy cozy, I was going to make an effort to love it…to at least get used to it. Maybe I could find a way to decorate the place without blowing a lot of money—maybe some cheap prints or something that reminded me of home.
So I knew the first step to making this place home was to unpack. The second would be to find things that made me feel comfortable here, but first things first. I had a little closet space and two empty dresser drawers that I said the guys could use. Brad stressed that whoever decided to use it needed to make sure not to put stuff in there they’d “die without.” He really was trying to protect me. My dad would have been thrilled.
That first night, on a new bed with a too-firm mattress and new too-stiff, unlaundered but brand-new sheets, I couldn’t sleep. When I let go of the feeling of being down, I was excited about the future. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I was eager to find out. And my dad had nothing to worry about. I suspected even after what Ethan had said that he was more talk…especially after I found out how he really had put me on some stupid impossible-to-live-up-to pedestal.
I finally did sleep, and when I woke up, I was motivated. I decided I needed to find a job. Yes, making money playing music was the ultimate goal, but I knew we’d need more money than just gig money. I had faith in Brad that he’d keep us plenty busy, but I knew a job would help.
So I got up and showered while the guys were still sleeping. I’d heard them up talking like crazy the night before and having a few beers. I think they were just as excited. We were adults now, living on our own, responsible for everything, and even though it was scary, it was fun too.
I was glad the guys had stocked up on food. I nosed around the kitchen for a few minutes, trying to be quiet because Brad and Zane were on cots and Ethan was on the couch. I didn’t want to wake them. I found a packet of instant oatmeal but then noticed we didn’t have a microwave, and I wondered if we should get one. But we did have two pans, so I heated some water and then ate some hot oatmeal. I just thought it was funny that how much I had taken for granted until I didn’t have it anymore. After eating, I put on makeup and did my hair after getting dressed.
Brad was sitting at the table when I came out, drinking a cup of coffee. I hadn’t noticed the coffeemaker before. “What’s up?” he asked.
“I’m going to spend the day looking for a job.”
“Already?”
“A good idea, don’t you think?”
He smiled. “I was gonna wait for a day or two, but I really can’t put it off when you’re so motivated.”
I shrugged. “I need a head start. I don’t have much experience. So what are you doing up so early?”
“Can’t sleep. Too much on my mind.”
I heard Ethan mutter from the couch. “Kinda hard to sleep with your goddamn blow dryer making noise.”
Before I could even respond, Brad said, “Shut the f*ck up, Ethan. She’s doing this whole band a solid.”
Ethan said something else, but I couldn’t make out what it was. Soon I left and started walking around our neighborhood. I could have gone through the want ads, but I wanted to look for work within walking distance. I didn’t have a vehicle and didn’t want someone to drive me around. I wanted it to be simple. But like I’d told Brad, I didn’t have much experience. I didn’t know what I’d qualify for. So I applied at restaurants, including fast food places, because I knew I’d have a decent chance at getting on with them. I also applied at retail places, where I figured maybe I could get a job selling things. I even applied for a cleaning position, where I’d be one of many janitors cleaning a large office building. The problem with that job was it was after hours, and that would interfere with shows. If I were even offered the job, I’d likely have to turn it down. But I figured even filling out applications was good practice for me.
By the time I got back home late that afternoon, I was tired, sweaty, and hungry. I’d bought some French fries and a drink in the middle of my day, but the September sun on concrete and asphalt had been hot and exhausting. All I wanted was a quick meal and a nice long cool shower. I knew I’d sleep well tonight, especially after losing so much sleep the night before.
It was my lucky night, because Brad and Nick were cooking dinner for everyone. I said hi and then went to my room to put my purse away and take off my shoes. I also replaced the blouse with a t-shirt.
I came back out to the kitchen. “Do you guys know where the nearest laundromat is?”
Brad said, “We’ll have to look it up. Maybe we could pick a day for laundry.”
I nodded. “Another thing I didn’t think of.”
“You look tired. Sit down and relax. We’ll be eating in a little bit.”
“It smells good. What are you making?”
Nick turned around from the stove and said, “Something exquisite that will make you feel like you’re home again…an exotic taste with just a hint of delicate cheese that will transport you to another world.”
Brad smiled. “Hamburger Helper.”
I started laughing. The more I got to know Nick, the funnier he was. He often had a joke or a retort, and he was turning out to be quite a ham. I appreciated the humor, especially since I was feeling worn out. “Well, I’m not complaining. It sounds lovely, Nick.”
“Anything for the lady.”
“And we’re having a salad and baked potatoes with it. These guys eat like there’s no tomorrow, so I figured we needed to make a lot.”
Nick acted serious. “Don’t expect this every night. Brad’s a slave driver. I can’t work with him anymore.”
Brad rolled his eyes and walked to the refrigerator, fetching out a couple of bottles of salad dressing. I was becoming quite impressed with his organizational skills. He kept surprising me with all the things he’d remembered to do or buy. I was glad he’d done the planning for our move.
Ethan showed up in the kitchen. “Val. You look beat. What the hell were you out doing all day?”
“I was looking for work.”
“Doing what? Singing not enough for you?”
“Oh, it’s plenty, but I want to make sure we can pay our bills.” He nodded. He stopped behind me and started rubbing my shoulders. It made the kitchen a little cramped but his hands on my shoulders felt good…and not just because he was touching me.
Dinner was served soon after, and Zane brought in a chair from the living room so we could all sit at the table. It was crowded, but it was the first thing we’d done that reminded me of home. Gathering around a table, talking and laughing, sharing food…that would be the one thing I knew was important for us to do on occasion as a group. Not only did it make me feel better about our move, but it also reminded me of how much I valued these four men—not just as friends but as bandmates. And based on how we all acted, I knew they felt the same way.
After dinner, Zane, Ethan, and I decided to clean up since the other two had made the food. Zane said, “Damn, guys. Why didn’t you find a place with a dishwasher?” But he filled up the sink and started washing anyway, while Ethan rinsed and I dried. When I finally excused myself to shower, I felt happy and like I’d had a good first day. I wasn’t feeling so sorry for myself anymore.
My brain turned off in the shower, and I just relaxed, but I decided I’d try writing a few lyrics before going to bed. I knew I’d sleep well tonight.
When I got out, I wrapped my head in my towel and put on a robe, then carried my clothes to my room. I was using a trash bag for my dirty clothes but realized I’d want a clothes basket to carry to the laundromat. And I could hardly wait to wash the stiff sheets on the bed. I knew it wouldn’t bother me tonight, but it was going to drive me nuts until I could wash them.
I decided to get something to drink and then just lie on my bed writing lyrics until sleepiness overcame me. As I left the bedroom, though, I heard the guys laughing and carrying on in the living room, and I hoped they wouldn’t take it personally that I just wanted to hit the hay. I was still wearing my robe and the towel over my head, but I was covered from neck to knee and didn’t think much of it.
I walked to the kitchen and guessed they didn’t realize I was there. Nick said, “I’ll go last. That’ll give me time to put it to good use.”
Zane: “You trying to find Angelica?”
“Hell, yeah. She gives good head.”
Ethan: “What makes you think she’ll wanna f*ck your scrawny ass again?”
“They all want Nick again once they’ve tasted him the first time.”
Brad: “Okay. You’re fourth.”
Ethan: “So who’s tonight?”
“Me, I guess.”
Nick: “That’s cool, though, right?”
“What?”
“Guests.”
Zane: “F*ck, yeah. I thought that was the whole point. If we can’t invite our girlfriends, why bother setting up a schedule or even having the room to ourselves?”
Nick: “You don’t need a girl to take care of your needs.”
“Maybe you don’t.”
They all got quiet when they heard the cabinet door close and the water running in the faucet. Brad, ever the gentleman, said, “Sorry you had to hear that, Val.”
I turned around and walked into the living room. “Please, don’t be. We’re gonna have to get used to living together, and just ‘cause I’m a prude doesn’t mean the rest of you have to be.”
I got some scoffs from that, but Zane said, “Hey…what’s fair is fair. You can have guys over too if you want.”
I could tell from the somber feel that dropped over the room that that idea was not okay with everyone. I wasn’t going to touch it, so I just smiled and said, “I’m gonna go do a little writing and then hit the hay. I’m tired.”
Ethan said, “Sure you don’t wanna hang? Bradley here was gonna put a DVD in his laptop. Movie night.”
“Thanks, but you guys can resume your conversation.”
“We’re done. Don’t go.”
“Thanks, really. I’m just tired.”
They wished me good night, and I went to my bedroom. I hoped they knew I’d meant what I said. I didn’t want them feeling like they couldn’t talk about whatever was on their minds just because I was there. I knew they liked sex. They were young men, for heaven’s sake, most of them still technically teenagers for a few months. I wasn’t going to tell them what they could or couldn’t do, and sex seemed harmless compared to some of the other activities I knew they engaged in.
Once in my room, I slipped off the robe and put on a short nightie, one that barely covered my bottom. It was still warm, and I didn’t want to perspire all night in bed. I draped the towel over the folding chair in the corner of the room and combed out my hair, then lay on top of the bed with a notebook and pencil and started probing my mind, looking for ideas that wanted to be written about.
After struggling with a few lines for the better part of half an hour, I heard a soft knock at my door. I’d been getting drowsy, so I wasn’t sure if I’d really heard it, but I got up anyway. I wasn’t exactly decent in my tiny, strappy gown, so I figured I’d just peek out the door to see what whoever it was wanted. I’d heard the guys laughing at whatever movie they were watching, so maybe they just wanted to ensure that I really didn’t want to join them.
When I stuck my head out the door, I saw Ethan. Oh, goodness, he looked extra cute in the shadow of our tiny hallway. His hair was growing out, adding to his ever-mysterious look, and over the past few weeks, he’d been working on a goatee. I didn’t exactly mind seeing him there, but I wasn’t decent. I was in one of those positions I knew my dad had worried about. But that was okay. It was just my head out the door. “What’s up?”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?”
He was quiet for a moment. “Can I come in for a second?”
I hesitated. “Um…sure.”
I think I took his breath away. He must have been expecting to see me in the robe. When he walked in, he took me in for longer than he should and closed the door behind him. But then he said, “Seriously, Val. Sorry you had to hear that shit in the other room.”
I smiled. “Not a big deal.”
He got close and wrapped his hands around my waist. “Only one girl I’m thinking about right now.” Oh…I hoped that was true. He brought his lips to mine in a soft, sweet kiss, but that only lasted for a few seconds. We turned passionate quickly, and before I knew it, my back was pressed against the wall. My hands that had been spread against his chest soon slithered up to his neck, and I slid my hands into his hair. His hands moved to cup my ass, and his touch sent a shiver through all my nerve endings. I was beginning to feel sensations that I’d rarely felt, but I was enjoying them.
He lifted me up, and in a natural motion, I wrapped my legs around his so he was pressing right into me. Oh…his penis was hard and pressing into that one area…the one that I’d had to ignore and deny my entire life. I had put it into a figurative box, locked away, trapped, and the only time I’d had contact with it was in the shower when I cleaned it. I’d only ever touched myself in the most clinical of ways, blushing when I’d do a breast exam and thinking about upcoming science tests or the cold weather when I’d wash my vaginal area. But now it was awakened. I’d felt the first tinglings before when I’d gotten overly friendly with Brad, but this was an intense sensation. He was pressing into me, and it made me feel desperate, urgent. I didn’t notice at first that my breathing had changed.
Ethan broke off our kiss and looked me in the eyes. He looked like an animal, fierce and needy, and I wanted him. Just seeing him like that made every single fiber in my body stand at attention, and I wondered if I looked like he did. I thought I saw an inkling of a smile in his eyes. “You like that?”
I knew what he was talking about, but the words were gone. I was breathless.
He ground himself into me, and I gasped. Oh, yes. Oh, hell, yes. I liked it. But I still couldn’t say anything. He knew, though, by the sharp intake of air into my lungs that I more than liked it, and he buried me in a kiss again.
I knew then what my body was made for, and now I knew why my mother and father had tried so desperately to hide it from me. Sweet heavens above, I wanted nothing else now, and as that boy’s manhood continued to awaken my hidden desires, I knew my virginity was soon to be forgotten.
Ethan broke off the kiss again to look at me. “God, I want you.”
My voice sounded foreign to my own ears—throaty, hoarse. “I want you too.”
I saw it register with him, and I guess I was lucky he didn’t take me right then and there. But he restrained himself. “Not now. Your first time…can’t be a quick f*ck up against a wall.” His eyes looked tender when he said, “Soon. When the time is right.”
Now I felt desperate, but I hoped I didn’t sound brazen. “When will be the right time?”
His eyes searched mine. “Soon. I promise. I’ll take care of it.” He kissed me again and then held me close, my legs still around him. He nuzzled my neck, and that didn’t help. Then he looked at me again. “I should go.”
And then I wanted to ask him why he had to leave…why we couldn’t just make love right then and there. But I knew…I knew I didn’t want to lose my virginity when there were three other guys in the next room in an apartment with paper-thin walls. I was going to have to trust Ethan. He had a plan—I could see that in his eyes. He lowered me back down to the floor and held me close, willing his hard on to go down, but he kissed me once more. Then he touched his nose to mine. “Soon. But get your rest.”
Yeah. Like I could sleep now. Instead, I lay in bed for hours, now intensely aware of Ethan’s nearby presence. I could hear his voice now and then in the living room. Knowing he was there, so close…well, it was next to impossible for me to sleep. All my nerves were on alert, and I couldn’t calm them down enough to sleep, even though earlier, I’d been ready to pass out for days.
I did sleep eventually, though, and the next morning, I slept later, but I still continued my job search. I spread my circle a little wider. I knew eventually I’d get to the point where employers were too far to walk to, but that would be a while, and I hoped I’d find a job before then.
I continued my job search all week but hadn’t heard anything. Our first show that weekend, though, was spectacular. The best part was being closer by. And Brad had lined up two shows that weekend, so we were busy, and I was tired. But I was happy.
Sunday afternoon, Ethan asked if I wanted to go for a walk, so we did. It was the first day since we’d moved that I could tell that fall was on the way. The temperature was mild, and the day was sunny but not too hot.
He grabbed my hand as we took our time walking down the sidewalk. “I have Plan A and Plan B,” he said.
I grinned, relishing the feel of his skin touching mine, even if it was just my hand. “Okay. And what would those be?”
“Plan A is to convince Brad that he needs to take Zane and Nick home for a day or two, visit family. Plan B is I take you out somewhere, and we find a place for a night—hotel or somethin’.”
I shrugged. “Okay.”
“Plan C…we just go for it.”
“I don’t want you to have to spend a bunch of money on me, Ethan. We’re all strapped.”
He looked at me then, an intense, hardcore gaze, one that reminded me of why I was so smitten with him in the first place. I saw his pupils widen just a touch, and that was enough for my breath to stop for just a second. Then he took my face in his hands and brought my lips to his. He drowned me in a kiss, one that took me from zero to sixty in half a second…one that reminded me that I wanted more…so much more. I grabbed his t-shirt in my fists at about pec level just to try to keep myself in check. I didn’t remember ever wanting anything so badly in my life, and my breathing was shallow when he removed his lips from mine.
“F*ck it.” My eyes were questioning him. “Let’s do it. Tonight.”
“It?”
“Yeah. Let me make love to you.”
“Seriously? Tonight?” Now, though, I was starting to freak out. I was a little nervous, a lot excited, but Ethan talking about our roommates in the other room started making me feel a little weird about the whole thing. But he already had that figured out in his head too.
“Yeah. Let’s just go somewhere.” I know the look on my face had to be one of fear and confusion, because I was thinking a park, a bathroom stall, or wherever. But then he said, “We’ll go to one of the motels we stayed in while we were touring this summer.”
That sounded much better. I felt a shy grin spread across my face. “Okay.”
“Would you rather go out to eat or just get takeout?”
“Do we have to eat?”
He smiled. “No…”
“Takeout’s fine.”
As we walked back to the apartment—quickly—I mentally whispered a silent goodbye to my virginity. She’d worn out her welcome, and I was ready to become a real woman. I could hardly wait.