chapter Twenty-five
MY SHIFT WAS over early afternoon and I walked home, noticing for the first time that cooler weather was on the way. It was still pleasant and warm, but it wasn’t scorching hot like it had been all summer long.
I walked up the stairs to our apartment, feeling tired. The work at the sub shop wasn’t hard, and even standing on my feet for hours on end wasn’t bad, but it was boring work. The only time it felt stimulating was when we had customers who needed us to make something for them. I knew—whether music would become my entire life or not—that food service was not for me. I’d stick it out, but I didn’t plan to be there for years.
As I walked down the hall toward the apartment, I realized I could hear voices. And they were voices I knew. The guys were having a heated discussion. That was nothing new. They were all passionate about the music and they all had strong opinions, so to hear their voices raised didn’t completely surprise me.
But I paused outside the doorway. They weren’t talking about music.
No.
They were talking about me.
I couldn’t make out the words at first, but it didn’t take long. I heard Brad shouting. “You don’t deserve her.”
Okay, so that grabbed me around the heart and rattled me. Then I knew why Brad had been quiet and sullen the last several days. Whether or not he still had romantic feelings for me, he obviously objected to Ethan’s pursuit of me.
“F*ck that. I make her happy.” Something I couldn’t hear…but I resisted putting my ear up to the door. Then Ethan again: “You heard her yourself.”
It was quiet for a few seconds and then I heard, “Ethan, you’re a mess. You know it and I know it. You wanna make her happy? Get your shit together, man.”
I took a deep breath. Should I go in or not? Should I wait until they were done or leave and come back later? Well…maybe they didn’t know I could hear them, and maybe if I entered now, I could make them stop fighting. I really didn’t want to hear the conversation, but I hoped my presence would end it.
Sure enough, as soon as I opened the door, they stopped yelling at each other. Brad and Ethan were standing facing each other, and the atmosphere was tense. Zane was standing next to them as though he was there to break it up and Nick…I wasn’t sure where he was at first until I heard the muffled sounds of his drum kit pouring out of the bedroom.
The two men stood toe to toe until I closed the door behind me. The sound somehow pulled them out of their stances. I wanted to ask them to calm down, but I didn’t want them to know I’d heard part of their conversation. So, instead, I tried slapping a concerned look on my face and asked, “What’s going on?”
Brad was the first to back away and then he and Ethan both looked at me. Brad said, “Nothing. Just a little misunderstanding.”
“Yeah.” Ethan looked away. He looked pissed.
Brad didn’t look much better, but he’d managed to bury the emotions a little deeper. “How was work?”
I shrugged. “Nothing exciting.” Oh, it was tempting to start asking questions, but I instead asked about dinner plans and buried what I knew of their conversation deep in the back of my mind. I couldn’t let it eat at me.
But it did. It was cradled in the back of my mind.
* * *
The summer drifted into fall with little fanfare. As September flowed into October, Ethan started out almost every night in my bedroom but left before morning. And, thanks to our hectic schedule, my need to save money, and walking to and from my job, I lost a few pounds. Nothing dramatic, but I was suddenly svelte for the first time in my life. The extra ten or fifteen pounds I’d been toting around since becoming a teenager had melted off, and I felt slim for the first time as an adult.
Brad noticed.
He and I were the only ones up early in the morning, probably because we were the only ones who’d managed to find day jobs in addition to the band. We were drinking coffee one morning and he said, “Please, Val…please tell me you’re not indulging in any of the shit Ethan does regularly.”
That seemed to come out of nowhere. “What? Why would you even ask that?”
“You’ve lost a lot of weight.”
I tried to smile. “That’s not why.”
“Something I should worry about?”
I let his words sink in. “Oh, no. No. Hell, no. I’m just…not eating as much and I’m exercising a lot. I’m not starving, and I’m definitely not doing drugs.”
He nodded. “Okay. Good. Just…you really are our muse, Val. I…” His voice drifted off, and he stared in his coffee.
“What?”
I saw his jaw clench but then he forced himself to look at me. “I feel the need to protect you.”
This time I did smile. “From what?”
He shook his head. “Lots of things. I…just want you safe.”
“I am safe, right?” He raised an eyebrow. “Right?”
“Yeah, sure. You are.” But he didn’t believe it, and I knew it stemmed from my torrid relationship with Ethan. I’d gotten a little better about keeping myself quieter, but those walls were thin, and we lived in tight quarters. Brad knew exactly how hard I’d fallen for Ethan, and I think that’s where his concern came from. “Just…” He blew air out of his mouth, almost as though he were tired. “Just remember you have a friend here, okay?”
I smiled and placed my hand on his. “I know that.” Of course, Ethan would walk in just as I did that. His eyes narrowed, but he sat down at the table without saying a word. I pulled my hand back to myself and took a sip of my coffee. “Hey, how’d you sleep?”
He shrugged. “For shit.”
Brad said, “There’s plenty of coffee if you want it.”
“Nah. I know what I want.”
Brad and I glanced at each other. I knew what he was thinking. He might have been right, that Ethan was craving some synthetic pick-me-up, but I thought he might have also been talking about sex with me. He hadn’t even looked at me in any such way that would indicate it. It was just a feeling I had.
Brad was in no mood, though. “Think it through, man.”
Ethan rolled his eyes. “F*ck off, Bradley.”
I was starting to grow weary of the constant friction between the two alpha males of the household. I felt like I was walking on pins and needles while they continually picked at each other. Before Brad had a chance to say anything else, I said, “Can we please stop?”
Brad sighed. “I gotta go to work anyway.” He stood up and rinsed out his coffee cup. “Nice talkin’ with ya, Val.”
I was a little ticked with Ethan for pushing Brad away. I knew Brad cared for Ethan just as much as he did for me, if not more. But Ethan just couldn’t see past his own ego. After the front door closed, Ethan wrapped his hand around my neck. His eyes were intense. “So what’s going on with you and my bro?”
Was he jealous? “Nothing. You know Brad and I are close.”
His voice was low. “I know you were very close. Anything I should be worried about?”
“No. Of course not.” I sighed. “Don’t be that way, Ethan.”
“What way?”
“Possessive and covetous.”
He raised an eyebrow and sported a cockeyed smile. “Covetous?”
“Yeah. I’m with you, Ethan. I love you.”
His smiled turned lascivious. “Then let’s go f*ck.”
I didn’t know that I cared for his crude way of asking, but the look in his eyes changed my mind. I’d finally bought my own stash of condoms that I kept in the nightstand next to my bed, and I insisted on using them. In the past month, I’d enjoyed multiple orgasms and had had sex in several different spots in our apartment, in various different positions. I’d even managed to successfully deliver in the blowjob department. I was enjoying exploring my sexuality with Ethan, and he was open to anything I suggested. When I needed him to, he took it slowly, and he somehow knew exactly what I needed—how and when.
So, even though I’d need to get ready for work in the next half hour, I thought I could give him that time. So I stood up and grabbed his hand, leading him to my bedroom.
The door wasn’t even closed when he had his hand wrapped around my neck again and started kissing me hard on the lips. Just like always, though, I was primed and ready to go. It didn’t take much anymore. Just looking at him or thinking about him was enough to get me aroused.
He kissed me a few times and then I started unbuttoning his jeans. He reached under my robe and pulled down my panties, and I wondered…the floor, the bed, the stool by the mirror? But no. He grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me around to face the wall.
Now…I was game for trying new things. This whole thing had been entirely new to me a month ago. But this didn’t feel like play. It felt like punishment, particularly because it felt like he’d slammed me up against the wall without any regard for me. He was inside me in a matter of seconds, pounding into me with fury. Yes, maybe I was reading it all wrong, but it didn’t feel right. It felt like he was angry with me.
But then, just as I was getting ready to ask him what the f*ck was going on, he held me with passion. He kissed me on the neck ravenously, one hand massaging my left breast, the other moving below. He continued pumping into me, but he was stroking my *oris and, no matter how upset I was that I felt like he was taking his frustrations out on me, I couldn’t help that I was going to orgasm. There was no stopping it.
My hands had been splayed up against the wall, but as I gave in to my basest desires, I reached behind me and drove my fingers into his hair. In seconds, I cried out as I climaxed. He slowed as he came too and leaned me into the wall. His hot breath was in my ear, his hands holding me aggressively and as though he didn’t want to let me go. It wasn’t until he withdrew that I realized he hadn’t worn a condom.
And then I was angry. I didn’t want to be like my friend Jill. I didn’t want to have to make the decision to have an abortion…or not. I didn’t want to have to beg Ethan for his help with an unwanted baby. No matter what the press said, I knew the pill wasn’t one-hundred percent reliable. I didn’t want to have to worry about that—or if Ethan’s indiscretions would give me some nasty STD I’d have to contend with. I was pissed. We’d had this conversation before, too many times.
I struggled against his rough hands and finally managed to turn around. “Ethan, what the hell? Where’s the condom?”
He wasn’t with me. His mind was off somewhere else. He looked angry…and then he looked far away. He didn’t answer at first. He looked like he was going to start yelling. And that’s when I said, “Oh, my God. You’re high, aren’t you? What the hell?” I reached down and pulled my panties up from where they were sagging against my ankles. “Get out of here, Ethan. I have to get ready for work.”
“Come on, babe. Don’t be mad.”
“Seriously. Get the hell out.” And when he finally left, I leaned against the door. I couldn’t make the tears stop falling.
* * *
We didn’t have any more incidents like that during the fall. It was back to business—and love—as usual. Yeah, we were uncomfortable in the apartment, but we were playing some good gigs and getting to know a lot of fellow bands. We even played a wedding reception. The happy couple liked to bang their heads, as did a good many of their guests. I felt out of place without any tattoos or piercings, and that inspired me to get my first tattoo—just a simple tribal armband on my upper right arm. But in addition to the usual venues, we played a few strange gigs like that. I wasn’t complaining—Brad kept us working. The money from the music wasn’t great, but it was something. We were making just as much off our merch as we were the playing the shows themselves.
Money was tight, and Brad sat the guys down one day, urging them to find jobs. “It’s no problem for me, man, to withhold your part of the rent, utilities, and groceries, and then give you what’s left.”
Ethan rolled his eyes. “So just do it. If we need more money, we’ll figure it out.”
Brad kept his cool. “You better hope I’m able to keep booking enough that it does cover all that shit. Otherwise, I’ll kick your ass out.”
Ethan just glared and lit up a cigarette. Oh, yeah. That was something else. I knew he’d smoked on occasion, but he undertook it as a regular activity that fall as well. I suppose it was a cheaper addiction to feed when compared with some of his other preferred activities. I didn’t know for sure, though, because I’d never purchased them myself.
One afternoon when Brad was at work and I had the day off, Nick and Zane had gone somewhere—to pick up some beer for that night after the gig maybe. I thought maybe it would be a nice chance for Ethan and me to just talk. Things were feeling strained between us, and I just wanted to discuss what was going on.
He was on Brad’s laptop in the living room, and he was oblivious to me as I walked into the room. It didn’t help that he had some Chelsea Grin blaring out of the speakers. He did that a lot, and I wasn’t sure why or how he was able to tune me out. He sat on the couch, and so I was able to walk in and sit next to him. He was absorbed, and so I decided to kiss his neck, get his attention. But that’s when I noticed what he was doing. He had up some Yellow Pages-type listing, and he had an entire page of people named Richards.
“Looking for family?”
As though he were pulled into the moment, he slammed the lid of the laptop down. “Nothing you need to worry about.”
I was taken aback. “I was just asking.” He set the laptop on the floor and kissed me with a hunger…or a vengeance. I’m not sure which. And he started unbuttoning my jeans. “Not here, Ethan.”
“No one’s here right now, Val.”
“I don’t care. They could be back at any minute. I really don’t want them walking in if we’re in the middle of making love.”
“Oh, is that what we’re calling it? Making love?” I just looked at him and then stood up. “Don’t you like it when I f*ck you?”
I could feel the anger rising in my chest. He was being a dick, something he’d been taking a shine to. “F*ck you.” I walked away, straight to my room. If nothing else, my relationship with Ethan inspired some killer lyrics and writing about it was good therapy, so I intended to do just that.
I heard him following me. Odds were he’d grab me by the arm and kiss me hard until I relented and grew amorous. It had happened enough by now that I knew that was usually how it played out.
Instead, right outside my room, he touched my arm. “Val, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m such an a*shole sometimes.”
I was still stinging. “Sometimes?”
He answered me with a kiss, and it was sweet and soft. “I’m not really an a*shole all the time, am I?”
I pursed my lips together, trying not to smile. The last couple of weeks, yes. He’d been a constant a*shole. I raised my eyebrows but managed not to say a thing.
“Really?” He pulled me close, resting my head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Val. I just let everything get to me.” He kissed the top of my head. “I guess it makes me a real jerkwad.” He held me close. “Let me make it up to you.”
I muttered up against his chest. “And just how do you plan on doing that?”
I could hear the smile in his voice. “I have my ways.” He lifted my hair up off my shoulder and back and kissed the exposed skin on my neck. Damn it. In the short time I’d even been sexual, he’d figured out what buttons to push. Kissing my neck always made me melt and there went the anger. And his hands went straight to the button on my jeans again. I was at a melting point and wanted to insist we go to my room, but I was so hot at that moment, I did just want him to f*ck me. So I too was clawing at the button on his pants and not worrying that we still stood in the hallway just inches shy of my room.
He ripped my panties down, just barely enough for him to squeeze in. And he tried to sneak in without protection. “No, Ethan. Condom.”
He rolled his eyes. “F*ck me.”
“That’s what I’d like to do…but with a condom.” How I found the wherewithal to insist, I’d never know. And he was pissed, but he whipped his wallet out of his back pocket and snatched a condom out. He threw the wallet on the floor and tore the condom out of its package. Yeah…he was as desperate as I was.
I could still hear the music coming from the living room. It only added to my feeling of desperation—the hard, driving beat, the heavy guitar.
He lifted me up and slid me in and I gasped. Oh, God, yes. That was it. I heard a tiny moan form in my throat.
“Play with yourself,” he said.
In between breaths, I asked, “What do you mean?”
God, his eyes were sexy. “Touch yourself. Pretend I’m going down on you.”
I looked at him. Oh, God, yeah. That would make for an amazing orgasm, wouldn’t it? So as he slammed his lips down on mine, I did his bidding and shoved my hand between our bodies, snaking it down to the area that I knew now ruled me, dominated me. My head was shoved against the wall. His lips were mashed into mine, his hands holding me up under my arms, cutting into my skin. And yet it all felt so good. Then I crawled my fingers the last few inches until they were in that tight, sweaty space. As I felt my way around and discovered that little nub I’d never touched before, I let myself imagine Ethan working his magic on me. And how f*cking intense that was. He was in me, but I was lighting myself up. Holy shit. It was more than I could take, and I screamed in pleasure.
“That’s it, babe.” I kept rubbing myself as wave after wave caused me to clench against Ethan’s cock and even he yelled as he came. “Oh, my f*cking God,” he said as we finished, almost in unison.
I fought to catch my breath, and he rested his forehead on mine. I opened my eyes and smiled at him, trying to catch my breath. Then we heard Nick in the kitchen, clapping. “That was f*cking awesome, guys. Do it again.”
I was horrified. And then I remembered it was Nick, the guy I’d realized over the past year had no shame. I looked at Ethan again and saw the twinkle in his eyes and laughed. But then I got my pants back on…fast.
* * *
That night we played a gig at a venue we’d played in the summer and hadn’t seen since. It felt comforting to be somewhere familiar. It just so happened that Last Five Seconds was playing that night as well. The night started out fine—Ethan was still feeling loving, and now that our relationship wasn’t secret anymore, he had no problems putting a possessive arm around me when a guy so much as looked at me. He definitely had no issues with laying a heavy kiss on me when I least expected it. It wasn’t long, though, before I realized that his PDA that particular evening was thanks to a little bit of something he took. And, as usual, I didn’t know what it was he’d taken, but I knew it had loosened him up.
By the end of our set, he was done for. He refused to rest it off in the van, though, and walked off into the crowd in front of the stage while the rest of us hauled our shit offstage so the next band could set up.
Outside, I asked Brad if we should find him and talk reason to him. “He’s a big boy, Val. He makes his own choices, no matter how f*cking stupid they are. So you track him down in the crowd. Then what? You make a scene, telling him he’s too jacked to be out there? That’ll go over well. Yeah, why don’t you guys have another obnoxious fight like you always do, but this time why don’t you do it in front of the whole crowd? That’ll win ‘em over and make ‘em fans for life.”
I had no words. It hadn’t occurred to me that Ethan and I had been arguing loudly, but Brad’s words hit home. I knew Ethan had been pushing my comfort zones and smothering me, and I’d been pushing back. I hadn’t realized I’d been so vocal about it. Just hearing Brad say that made me realize I wanted to put a lid on it. I found it embarrassing, and I just nodded and dropped it. Out of all the people in the world, Brad was the last one I wanted upset or angry…especially if it was because of something I’d done.
I knew we’d stay and watch the other two shows, and I was glad about that. Last Five Seconds had become one of my favorite local bands, and I looked forward to hearing them again. They’d gained enough prestige that they were—for lack of a better word—the headliners of the show.
I left my encounter with Brad, trying to focus not on his words, not on Ethan’s problems, but on me. And, for now, I just wanted to lighten my mood. I wanted to just rock out for a while, and I planned to head out to the audience myself to do just that. But I decided to go around to the front by walking outside, rather than going through the backstage area. I didn’t want to face Brad—or any of my other bandmates—again for a while.
I approached the corner of the building. It was dark, but I saw a couple of guys standing by the side. There was intermittent light from some of the tall parking lot lights, but I couldn’t make out faces. I heard, “Nice tat,” and I knew it was directed at me, even though I wondered why the big deal over the one skinny tattoo. I looked over at the two guys and started walking toward them.
As I got closer, I was able to make them out. Zane was one of them, but the person who’d said something to me was Clayton. And even in the dark, he was as cute as ever. “You talking to me?”
“I’m talking to the sexy chick with the secret boyfriend who went and got herself a hot tattoo.”
Sweet Jesus…talk about forward. If I’d been single… “Ah…I see I’m talking to Jet.”
“The one and only.”
Zane grinned. “Hey, catch ya later. I gotta go see what p-ssy I can score.”
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. Yeah, Zane was probably going to see if he could score a little action in the van before we bailed, but I knew he was leaving because he was uncomfortable with the flirting going on and probably didn’t want to be a witness in case Ethan asked later.
I leaned my shoulder up against the wall. I saw no harm in flirting. I’d never cheat on Ethan, but Clayton was cute and sweet and irresistible. He said, “So…I feel pretty f*cking stupid. I should have figured out who your secret boyfriend was a long time ago. Not so secret.”
I shrugged. “Yeah…not really secret, I guess. Uh…he’d just wanted to keep it under wraps for a while.”
The look on his face told me he wasn’t going to venture any further. “So you finally got some ink. Planning to get more soon?”
“Probably. When I can afford it.”
“Ah, yes. There is the cost. If you want quality and cleanliness, you should pay well.”
I nodded. “So…got any new songs I should listen for?”
“F*ck, yeah. We always have new shit to play. Keeps it interesting.”
“I’ll be listening for it.”
“Front row? Should I look for you?”
“We’ll see.”
He smiled, but there was nothing friendly about it. Oh, no…it was dangerous. It was his Jet smile, and it made my toes curl. “Boyfriend be with you?”
I smiled back, but I hoped mine seemed as innocent as I tried to make it. “Guess we’ll have to see.” I stopped leaning on the wall, intent to get the hell out of there. “He’ll definitely be around, so behave yourself, Clayton…I mean, Jet.”
“Got that right, sexy. See ya around.”
Oh, God…the way his voice purred. It was a good thing he wasn’t vocalist for his band too, or Ethan might have had a hell of a time keeping me close. Fortunately, as I got a little farther away, I had an easier time controlling myself. Whew. I needed a bottle of water and the fresh air was helping too. What was it about Jet that got my engines revving?