chapter Twenty-four
ETHAN WAS SERIOUSLY messed up. Brad, Zane, and I stood outside the van while Ethan was passed out in the back. He’d just thrown up, and Brad had told him to sleep it off.
“I don’t know if I should take him to the ER or not.”
I asked, “What’d he take, Brad?”
“No f*ckin’ idea.”
“Why the hell does he do this?”
Brad gave me a look, and I knew why. We’d discussed this before, and he wasn’t willing to talk about it again, no matter how much it bothered me. Zane broke the ice. “Nick coming?”
“Nope. He’s got a ride.”
“Yeah, I bet he’s got a helluva ride. Lucky motherf*cker.”
Brad asked, “So do we take him to the hospital or not?”
“How’s he doing?”
“Better than before.”
“Can I talk to him?”
“I guess.” Brad looked over at Zane then back to me. “Good luck.”
I opened the van door and stepped in. I heard Brad and Zane talking quietly, and I didn’t know if they were trying to keep their conversation from Ethan or from me. But I knelt in the tight space between the driver’s seat and the bench seat behind it, near where Ethan’s head lay. I put my hand on his forehead. It was cool and clammy. I whispered, “Ethan?”
He moved his head toward my voice. “Hmm?”
“How are you?”
“Okay.”
“You sure? Should we take you to get help?”
He was quiet for a moment. “No. I’m fine.”
“You don’t seem fine.”
He opened his eyes. I could see them only because of the dim dome light. “I’m fine.” He took another breath, but it didn’t seem normal. His breathing seemed shallow. “I just wanna go home.” He seemed halfway coherent, but I still didn’t feel sure.
I kissed his cheek. “I just worry about you. I love you.”
“Then just take me home, okay?”
I don’t know what kind of response I’d expected, but I hadn’t expected abrupt. Still, he was under the influence of something, and I was willing to let the rudeness slip. “Okay.” I stepped back outside the van and told Brad and Zane what Ethan had said.
So we made the trip back to our apartment. We were quiet. Brad even had the radio turned down low. I sat in my usual seat but kept turning around to look at Ethan. His head was rolling back and forth with the motion of the van, but he seemed to be passed out for the most part.
When we got home, Brad and Zane helped Ethan inside. Both wrapped an arm over their shoulders to help him. I was still worried, but Ethan forced a smile, so I thought maybe he’d be okay. Once upstairs, Brad said, “I’m gonna put him on the couch so we can keep an eye on him.”
“Then I’m sleeping out here too.”
“You can have my cot.”
“No. I’m not taking your bed. I’ll just sleep in the chair.” The one soft chair in the room. I didn’t plan on sleeping much anyway.
Brad insisted, but I wasn’t going to budge. I just smiled and then brushed my teeth, slipped off my boots, and changed from jeans to sweats. He and Zane were in the kitchen talking, but I walked past them into the living room. I sat on the couch beside Ethan. “You sure you’re doing all right?”
He blinked at me. He had a little more color in his face. “Yeah.”
“Want something to drink?” He nodded. “Be right back.”
I went back in the kitchen and grabbed a glass. I poured him some water. Brad asked, “He still seem okay?”
“He said he wanted something to drink. That’s a good sign, right?”
He shrugged. He looked worried, and I knew why. Ethan was like his brother, and Brad was torn. I was too, but Ethan talking and looking a little more coherent had alleviated my worries a little bit. When I got back to the living room, I sat next to him again. “I have your water here.”
He opened his eyes again and lifted his head a little. I placed my hand on the back of his neck and brought the water to his lips. He sipped and then rested his head back. He focused on me. “Where’d you get that shirt?”
I wasn’t going there…not now anyway. “At the show tonight.” That was all he needed to know.
“Oh…looks good on you.” He lay his head back and, within seconds, started snoring softly.
I didn’t sleep well that night. I would drift off and then wake right back up, then check on Ethan and sit back down. Sometime several hours past midnight, Ethan’s breathing seemed completely normal, and I started to relax. And, at some point after that, I drifted into a deeper sleep.
The next morning, I woke up feeling stiff and uncomfortable all over. Ethan wasn’t on the couch. Brad and Zane were still sleeping on their cots. I got up, hoping Ethan was okay. As I moved to the other end of the apartment, I heard the shower in the bathroom. It might have been Nick, but then I realized the big bedroom’s door was open. I tapped on the bathroom door.
“Yeah?” It was Ethan.
“Everything okay?” I asked through the door.
“Yeah. Be out in a minute.”
I went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Brad came in. “How’s he doing?”
“He said he’s okay.”
There was an uncomfortable silence between Brad and me, and I wasn’t sure what the cause of it was. Looking back over the past week, I knew it could have been caused by anything. But Brad had become my closest friend here. So, after I poured us both a cup of coffee and I sat at the table, I asked, “Everything okay with you?”
He nodded, but his eyes said something different entirely. I raised an eyebrow. “You don’t seem too sure.”
“It’s cool, Val. It is.”
I knew it wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to press my luck. I only wanted him to know I cared. “I just…worry about you too. I know you’re doing a lot for all of us, and I appreciate it.”
He smiled then, but it looked weary. “Thanks.”
Without even thinking, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, but I wrapped that hand around my coffee mug as I heard Ethan open the bathroom door.
He walked into the kitchen, wearing jeans only, his damp hair matted to his head. “Man, did I get f*cked up last night.”
“Jesus,” Brad muttered.
“How are you?”
“I told you I’m fine. Not one-hundred percent, but I’m fine.” He walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a mug, pouring himself some coffee.
“We were worried about you. What did you take?”
“Stop, Val. Christ. You’re not my mom.”
That struck a nerve. I took in a deep breath. I so wanted to say something bitchy, like telling him to take care of his own damn self next time. Instead, I just bit my tongue. Brad looked at me as if to remind me of the conversation we’d had months ago. I had tried to forget about it, but every word came clear this moment. Brad had said Ethan did drugs to cope…to cope with some kind of hell he’d gone through. And, at that moment, I realized that my love for him couldn’t save him. But maybe, like Brad had said, we’d be there to catch him when he fell. I just hoped he wouldn’t keep falling. My heart couldn’t take it.
* * *
We had another show that night, and late afternoon I was putting on heavier stage makeup in my room when Ethan rapped on the door. I didn’t know which guy it was but told him to come in. When he came in the door, he closed it behind him and eased up closer to me to where I stood in front of the full-length mirror, putting on blush.
He rested his chin on my shoulder and looked at my reflection. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
I smiled then. I loved when he was sweet. But he wasn’t only sweet. He was hot. He was all decked out for our show, and he was even hotter than usual. Having him press up against my body from behind, remembering how the other night he’d given me my first orgasm only accentuated my attraction for him.
I turned around as he wrapped his hands around my waist. “I wouldn’t worry if I didn’t care.” I tossed the blusher on the bed.
“I know.” He was wearing eyeliner. I wasn’t necessarily into it when guys wore it, but it made Ethan look sexier than usual. He kissed me firmly on the lips.
I decided to be honest. “You look really hot tonight.”
He grinned. “You think so?”
“Yeah.”
“You think I’m hot?”
“Oh, God, yes.” He backed me up against the mirror.
“When are we leaving?”
I suspected I knew why he was asking. “Half hour maybe.”
“What have you got left to do?”
“Not much.”
He started kissing my neck. Oh, that was nice. I let out a small breath and tilted my neck. All was forgiven…my fear and upset, my worry. As I inhaled a deep breath, my breasts pushed into his chest, and I let out a small sigh. Remembering when he had me up against this same wall not long ago pressing into me, making me feel aroused and then recalling how he’d made me feel better than I ever had in my whole life just a few short nights ago made me wet with desire. I wanted him to touch me again, to make me feel like this was what I was made for. Our lips clashed together, and I groped for the button to the leather pants that were molded to his skin. I could feel his cock pressing against the fabric.
I wanted to touch it. I’d only touched it the other night in the shower, but now I was fascinated by it. How would it feel inside me now? I wanted to know. And so I unzipped his pants and found my way inside his underwear. Oh…it was hard and throbbing, smooth and hot, and it was that way for me. All for me.
His kiss was harder then, and he unzipped my jeans in response. “You want me inside you, babe?”
I opened my eyes. God, his were on fire. “Hell, yeah.”
He assaulted me again with his lips, and I grabbed his ass to press him into me, but his hands were in the way. He grinned. “Good things come to those who wait.” I let out a small laugh until he stuck his hand in my panties. He ran his finger down my slit, brushing over my *oris and feeling lower, and he said, “F*ck. You’re ready, aren’t you?”
He knew just by touch. I nodded, now serious, as I gasped at the motion of his finger. I closed my eyes and realized I was almost panting.
“I don’t have a rubber, Val. You’re on the pill, right?”
“Yeah.” So it was stupid, especially in light of the fact that I knew Ethan had had multiple partners, but I loved him and wanted him, and I didn’t want to wait.
“You okay going without?”
Well, I didn’t have a choice, did I? Maybe I’d have to start keeping them around. It might be a little embarrassing to buy them myself, but I knew how stupid it was to have unprotected sex. “Are you safe?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. I swear.” He punctuated his words with another stroke of his finger against me, making it impossible for me to deny him. My gasp told him all he needed to know, and he pulled my pants halfway down my thighs, then pulled his own down and lifted me up against the wall, my legs wrapped around him. In just a few short moments, he was inside me, filling me up. At first, I still felt discomfort. But as he continued to drive into me, it began to feel good, and that was when my desire ramped up again. I started breathing heavily once more, enjoying the sensation of him inside me, driving me wild.
But, perhaps because I was new at the whole thing, I didn’t even come close to orgasm. Ethan came inside me before I even got close. I hoped he didn’t feel bad about it. He was breathing in my ear. “Didn’t you like that?”
“Yeah…I loved it.” As he pulled out and set my feet on the floor, I could feel the evidence that he’d come inside me. He was kissing my neck again when there was a knock on my door.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah?”
Zane asked, “Have you seen Ethan?”
Fortunately, Ethan didn’t make me lie. “I’ll be out in a sec.”
Guess it wasn’t a secret anymore.
He was whispering in my ear again when he said, “I’ll take care of you tonight, babe. I promise.”
He zipped up his pants while giving me a hasty kiss on the lips. He swaggered out the door, leaving me in that state. And the rest of the night, I felt like I was on edge, and my damp panties just reminded me that he’d been inside me earlier. Somehow, onstage, it made me feel empowered, free, and fully feminine. It made me feel sexy, wanted, and for the first time ever, I felt in control of my sexuality. I’d have to try incorporating Clayton’s suggestions for vocally changing my singing voice, but this night I was breathier, cooing some lines, adding seduction to my words. I hoped Ethan could actually hear me in spite of the hold his guitar had over him, because he’d done that to me.
I got the rest of the band’s attention, though. On our way back to the apartment, Nick of all people said, “What the hell was that you were doing with your voice tonight, Val? Holy shit.”
Zane joined in. “Yeah. That was some cool shit.”
Brad: “It was. But just make sure the audience can hear you.”
Zane: “They could.”
“Was I too quiet?”
Brad: “Maybe a little too breathy.” So…Brad was more objective. I nodded, not sure what to do with the contradictory information. “But I liked it. It needs a little work, but keep doing it.”
I smiled. Still nothing from Ethan, the man I had really wanted to hear from. He was being quieter than usual. I shouldn’t complain, though, because at least he wasn’t on anything tonight.
Once we got to the apartment and got settled in, the guys wanted to talk about the show. There had been some weird things going on with rhythm, but it didn’t affect me, and I was tired. And, based on Ethan’s reticence, I figured he could make whatever it was he’d wanted to make up to me the following day.
So I changed my clothes into another short nightie, but I left the panties on. Ethan could be with me all night long in that way, and part of me was pissed that I’d not only let him go without a condom but that I’d then been further aroused by the evidence of it.
I was thinking way too much, so I made myself get up and take a shower. The guys were still discussing the concert over a round of beers in the living room.
After my short bath, I lay in bed just thinking about Ethan and wasn’t really surprised when I heard him rap on the door and open it before I could even say a word. “You asleep?”
“No.”
I heard the smile in his voice. “I promised to take care of you. You too tired?”
The fact that my body was already tingling at the sound of his voice assured me that I definitely wasn’t too tired. I felt bashful when I said, “No.”
He turned on the light. God, he was gorgeous. The eyeliner he’d had on earlier was smudged, and his hair was a little mussed, but he was a vision. He looked wild, untamed, like an animal, and he was hungry for me. He peeled off his t-shirt and dropped it to the floor, then pulled off one boot, then the other, followed by his socks. Then he walked closer to the bed, unzipping those goddamned tight leather pants that were wrapped around him like skin, and he peeled them off next to my bed. I sat up a little, anticipating him, wanting him.
He slid under the sheet and laid his hand on my tummy underneath the nightie. He didn’t even look under to see that I wasn’t wearing panties. But he leaned over to kiss me while his hand roamed upward to find my breast. Oh…now that was nice. His touch was light, teasing, and I felt my entire body respond, my p-ssy getting wet again, hoping he would finally put me out of my misery. After the long, sensual kiss, he moved his lips to my neck and then to his hand to lick the nipple that had pebbled up at his touch. My back arched, pushing my nipple farther into his mouth, wishing he could consume me fully. I heard a loud sigh escape my lips, and I shoved my fingers in his hair.
His mouth released my breast to my dismay, but he began kissing a trail down my abdomen, moving farther down. Oh. I felt my muscles tighten in anticipation of what I thought he might be considering.
He kissed down the side of my hip, down the top of my leg, and then placed his hands on my thighs to gently urge them apart. Oh, there came that overwhelming sensation again, that one of feeling like too many nerves were being tantalized at once, that one of my brain not being able to keep up. And as his thumbs parted my labia, I thought I would jump out of my skin. That first stroke of his soft, warm tongue…
That blew me out of the water, and I already thought I couldn’t take anymore. I made some kind of groan and wrapped my curled fingers into the bottom sheet. But he licked me again, and the muscles in my inner thighs clenched and my breathing grew deep, hitting the bottom of my lungs with the force of forty horses. And yet his touch was gentle, maddening.
One stroke, then another, and I could feel myself climbing. This time, though, I knew what awaited me on the other side. I moved my hands to his head, winding my fingers into his hair, and then I could feel the motion of his head as he delivered those delicious sensations to that sensitive area, and somehow that intensified the feeling.
He sped up and I gasped. I wasn’t ready for the change, but then I could tell orgasm was inevitable. I felt my legs spread farther apart just out of instinct, and I tilted my pelvis and holy shit. I sucked in another deep breath only to be hit with one of the most powerful sensations I’d ever experienced in my short life.
Oh, yes, it was only the second orgasm I’d ever experienced, but it couldn’t compare to the first time. This time I had a better handle on what to expect. I still had no control over what he was doing to me—I was writhing, moaning out of control, and probably nearly pulling his hair out—but the feeling was at least familiar. And I held on as long as I could, but I finally said, “Oh, God, stop.” I thought I was going to lose my mind. I couldn’t handle the intensity anymore.
It took him a few seconds to register, but then he did stop—quite possibly because I was pulling up on his head. “What?”
I was breathing hard, as though I’d just run five miles. I tried to catch my breath. “I can’t take it anymore.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “Doesn’t it feel good?”
I felt my heart rate starting to slow. “Oh, yeah. It feels out of this world. But…too good, if that makes any sense. I can’t stand it anymore.”
He looked confused. “Too good? Is there such a thing?”
“Yeah. Oh, God, that was unbelievable.”
He cocked his head and sat up, but he wasn’t quite done. He kissed my belly again, making a path up to my cleavage. Then he looked up at me, and the way his head tilted made his eyebrows shadow his eyes. He looked mysterious, dark…tempting. “I really wanna be inside you. Do you think you could take that?”
I smiled. “I want to try.” And then I remembered. “Do you have a condom?”
He looked dismayed. “Next time. I promise.”
So I nodded, in spite of my hesitation. In seconds, he pulled down his underwear and entered me, and I realized I had again underestimated my body’s reaction. I took in a sharp breath, hit with the revelation that my orgasm was going to continue under the blows of his cock, whether I wanted it to or not. With his second thrust, I felt my thighs quiver in response, and they clenched his hips. I tilted my pelvis to take him in as far as he would go, but it had the added bonus of making me feel like a goddess. My gasps turned to audible groans again as he inflicted wave upon wave of heavenly delight upon me. But it couldn’t be stopped. I had no control over my body’s reaction. Maybe with time…but right now, it was so new, so unexpected, so freeing, all I could do was to let it overtake me and enjoy the ride.
* * *
Like the last time, Ethan wasn’t lying next to me when I awoke the next morning, and it wasn’t because he’d awakened before I had. When I got out of bed, I saw he was sleeping on one of the cots in the living room.
It was quiet as the guys slept away, but Brad was already up. I heard him in the shower, and he had already made coffee. I poured a cup and took it back to my room so I could put on makeup and do my hair before going to work. I didn’t want to do my makeup without washing my face, but I could at least fix my hair. While I worked on it, I thought about Ethan. Was he not sleeping with me because he really thought he could keep his involvement with me a secret, or was something else going on, something I couldn’t fully understand? Much as I loved Ethan and thought I knew about him, I knew there was far more beneath the surface than I’d ever touched. Even Brad had said as much to me.
But I couldn’t talk to anyone about that. Not a soul. Sure, maybe I could try emailing Jill or even Jennifer or messaging either one of them on Facebook, but I didn’t know that I wanted to talk with anyone about it. And even though Brad had become my closest friend in this new life, there was no way in hell I’d discuss Ethan and me with him. I didn’t know, didn’t think Brad still had feelings for me in that way, but whether he did or not, this was not a topic of discussion between the two of us. Ethan was like his brother, and I thought Brad had said as much about Ethan to me as he’d ever cared to, but more than that and something I didn’t want to think about was the possibility that he might still have deeper feelings for me.
I’d have to broach the subject with Ethan himself. I did know Ethan well enough to know that he wouldn’t want to talk about it, but if he really cared for me like he said he did, I’d tell him he had no choice. I wasn’t going to allow myself to be hurt or lied to, so he was going to have to explain. Besides, even if he did think he could keep us secret, he needed to know that wasn’t going to happen. I almost blushed remembering how vocal I’d been the night before.
I heard Brad exit the bathroom, and I gave him a little bit to clear out of the hallway before I walked into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I returned to my room quickly, and by the time I left for work, I heard him strumming a tune on his acoustic in the big bedroom. It sounded sad. Part of me wanted to go hug him, but another part of me thought maybe I was the reason for that sad tune, and I hurried out the door, not wanting to dwell on that thought and ruin my happiness with Ethan.