chapter Nineteen
Present
I’D HAD NO idea what becoming a mother would mean. Even with all the reading I’d done, the connecting with groups, and attending classes, I’d had no clue what I would be facing. It didn’t help that little Christopher had jaundice, so we had to take him in to the doctor frequently until it cleared up. But that first month was insane, and all I’d really wanted to do was to get to know my baby and figure out how to be the best mom I could. I’d decided to breastfeed, so I had to figure out how to do that in addition to all the other things Ethan and I were so new at and clueless about.
But by the second month, I was starting to believe Ethan, that he was leaving his old self behind. He wanted to be a loving father and husband.
The first time Christopher laughed, it was as though the world had stopped. Ethan had placed him on the floor on a blanket to change his diaper, and he was kissing the baby’s belly, rubbing his beard on him, just enjoying the feel of our child. Chris laughed. I got down on the floor too. My baby laughed! “Do that again,” I said to Ethan, and Ethan tickled Chris’s tummy with his beard again, and the baby laughed again. We spent a long time there, with Ethan tickling the baby’s tummy over and over again. Then Chris would laugh, and we would laugh at his cute little giggle.
I was in love. That baby was now my life, and no matter what happened, the task before me was clear. My job was to love and nurture, protect and cherish this baby for the rest of my life.
After a while, we were on the couch watching a movie, Chris in my arms, having fallen asleep. I wasn’t really watching the movie. I was staring at my baby’s peaceful face as he dreamed. Ethan paused and said, “I still can’t believe I’m a father.”
I pried my eyes away from the baby to look at my husband. “Why not?”
He too was staring at the baby. I couldn’t tell what he was feeling. He shook his head. “Just…I guess it’s better than I thought it would be.”
I let those words wash over me. “Did you think it would be bad?”
“No…I just…can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have responsibilities now.”
I smiled. “You had them before.”
He shook his head. “Not like this.”
I was starting to suspect he was feeling trapped, and that was not a healthy place for him to be. I knew Ethan too well by this point, and I didn’t like where this was going. “Are you not happy?”
He smiled. “Oh, no. I am, babe. I am. It’s just…different.” I started looking at Chris again. I knew my baby wouldn’t, couldn’t break my heart like his father had so many times, and just by his words, I feared Ethan was feeling cornered again. I didn’t know if I wanted to talk about it or just brace myself for what was sure to come. He pulled me close to him. “No…this is good. I’ll just…miss the old days. You know, fighting for you but still being a wild child.”
I couldn’t help the incredulous sound of my voice. “Fighting for me? You hardly ever fought for me.”
He laughed. “I did…in my own way.”
I sat there with him for a little longer, but then I decided to put Chris to bed. His crib was in my bedroom, so I lay him down and covered him with a light blanket, and then lay down on my bed. I couldn’t sleep, though, because Ethan’s words wouldn’t leave my head.
A while later, Ethan came in the room and lay next to me. I could feel as he shifted in the bed. Well, at least he was still at home. He wasn’t running…not yet, anyway. So I was surprised when I felt him move again, this time pressing up against me from behind, his warm breath on the back of my neck.
I was surprised. We hadn’t made love since I’d had the baby. At first, I knew it was because the doctor had said we couldn’t for a while, and we were so tired and stressed with being new parents that sex was the last thing on our minds. And, frankly, I hadn’t wanted to think about it, because past experience told me Ethan would find it elsewhere if he felt his needs weren’t being satisfied. So, feeling him behind me, rock hard and ready, made me instantly aroused and made me forget about the feelings of insecurity I’d had earlier.
“Mmm…” He started kissing the back of my neck, and I reached up over my head to run my fingers through his hair. His hand moved up under my shirt to find my breast. It wasn’t as sensitive to his touch as it had been, but his touch in general was welcome and wanted. I could tell he wanted me now, and knowing I was awake and willing just encouraged him. He slid his hand under the back of my panties to pull them down my leg, but my weight had pinned them between my body and the bed. He just tugged harder until they were down my thigh.
I felt his other hand slide under my side, and he kept moving until his fingers were between my legs. He could tell I was ready. Of course, I was ready. He hadn’t touched me this way in months. We hadn’t been together much right before I got pregnant, and even then when we did, he was usually under the influence. And then, when I was pregnant, he tended to treat me like a piece of porcelain. Yes, I needed him; I wanted him, and I didn’t want to wait anymore. I could tell he didn’t plan to focus on foreplay, and I was okay with that.
I was a little nervous until I felt him thrust inside me, filling that need I’d forgotten was there. And even though we didn’t say a word, he held me close after in that same position, making me hope it hadn’t just been a dream. And still…an old song I’d written during the summer after my freshman year in college kept rolling around in my head. But one line, just one line from that song kept haunting me: “I thought I’d lost you forever.”
But I was afraid to say it out loud.