chapter Fifteen
FULLY AUTOMATIC PLAYED their first four songs and impressed the hell out of me. I imagined that they’d been practicing pretty much nonstop since Ethan and Zane had returned home, because their sound was polished. They sounded great all around, and their energy was unbelievable. Ethan and Brad both took turns singing songs, and for one of them, Brad even put his guitar down to croon to the crowd. I could tell he’d been working hard on vocals. They’d all been working hard.
But after the band had checked their instruments, they had a good ten minutes before the show started, and Brad had found me in the crowd. He came out and gave me a hug. “How are you, sweetheart?”
I don’t know why, but I really liked his greeting. It was affectionate but not overly intimate. “Great. So good to see you.”
“How’s your break so far?”
“Okay.” I smiled. “Better now.” He raised his eyebrows. “Oh, Brad, this is my old friend from high school Jill and her husband Chad.” He nodded to them and when Chad put out his hand, he shook it. “This is my very good friend, Brad Payne.”
“Very good friend? I feel privileged.” He kept his other arm around my shoulders, and I couldn’t help but notice it was still there…that animal attraction that dominated us both so powerfully. Just having him stand beside me, touching me, made every hair stand on end, and I imagined being in his embrace. “Nice to meet you folks.” He looked at me. “I gotta get backstage. See you later?”
I nodded. “You bet.” Sad…I was happier to talk to Brad than to have Ethan lay one on me.
So as he’d walked off, and I couldn’t take my eyes off his backside, Jill leaned over and said in my ear, “What’s up with you and this guy? Didn’t you say there was something strange going on between the two of you?”
I looked over at her. I wasn’t quite sure how to explain it. “I’ve kissed him. It’s…like he’s a sexual magnet that I’m drawn to.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Valerie! You?” Then she put her hands around my ear. “I’d tap that.”
I’d started giggling. But now we were watching the band begin their fifth song of the evening. They were solid, a far cry from when I’d heard them in Brad’s garage months earlier. They sounded just as good as many of the professional bands I’d purchased the music of. What I noticed most, though, was the new songs of Brad’s that I’d heard so far. It seemed as though he’d been working on making his lyrics less generic. That was real growth. He was pulling emotions and ideas from his heart and painting pictures with words instead of spewing out knee-jerk clichés that he’d heard over and over in other songs and on TV.
Ethan…well, there was nothing new from him. The new songs we’d collaborated on during the spring, sure, but nothing since. Not yet, anyway. Maybe later in the set, but I figured I wouldn’t hear anything, since they seemed to be packing in a lot of their new songs first.
More than halfway through their part of the show, they started playing a tune I thought I knew, but I couldn’t quite place it. Brad grabbed the mike and started to talk. “Colorado Springs, you’ve been great so far. Thanks for welcoming us here.” He stepped closer to the edge of the stage. “I want to do something a little different right now. A friend of mine is here in the audience. She’s written a lot of the words you’ve heard tonight. Anyway, this is a song we wrote together, and I’d really like to have her sing it with me.” What?! He pointed a finger at me and then crooked it toward himself, urging me to join him.
I felt a cold sweat break out all over my body. Yes, I’d heard his acoustic version over and over enough that I felt I could sing the right tune and I knew the words, but this…this wasn’t like when he had me sing in his garage (that was embarrassing enough). This was a real crowd of people. I looked up at him, shaking my head feverishly. “No!” I was frantic and considered walking the other way, out of the building.
But I’d underestimated the Brad’s pull on me. Part of me really did want to join him up there. He smiled at the crowd. “She’s a bit shy, folks. Why don’t we encourage her to come on up here?” The noise of the audience swelled with cheering, yelling, and whistling, and even Jill pushed me gently on the shoulder. He looked down at me again. “See, Val? Everyone wants to hear you. You can’t let them down now.”
Well, at this point, I’d look like a jerk or a bad sport if I didn’t at least try. So I took a deep breath and tried to look pissed. The stage was high, but Chad laced his hands together to make a step for me, and Brad reached down and helped me up. He picked up the mike again and said, “Please give Valerie a big hand.”
He had the biggest, most devilish grin on his face and gave me another hug. I said in his ear, “You could have at least warned me. I’m gonna kill you.”
“Gotta catch me first.”
I could tell by the look on Ethan’s face that he hadn’t known about this either. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or amused, but it didn’t matter. I was doing this, like it or not. Brad said into the microphone, “Let’s turn this shit up.” He slid the mike into the stand and then said to me, “I’ll sing the first verse, you do the second, and maybe we could harmonize on the bridge?”
The adrenaline rushing through my body was making my hands shake and my feet already felt numb. But on top of that, I felt woefully unprepared. “What about the choruses?”
“Same deal. That okay?”
My eyes were wide. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”
He grinned and suddenly I felt transported. I could feel the music when I was onstage, in my heart, my muscles, my veins. And I couldn’t actually see faces in the crowd, so that took a little of the edge off. I discovered the acoustic version Brad had emailed me was nothing like the electric one. It was low, in a minor key, and heavy. I didn’t know how well it would match the words.
I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t look. The words were too personal, too close, way too f*cking intimate, and here he was gonna let the whole world know how I felt. He cozied up to the mike while striking the chords on his guitar. I glanced over and felt tremendous relief that he wasn’t looking at me, was instead focusing on the audience.
“What is it about you
That makes me weak in the knees?
You’re the only one on this earth
Never needs to say please.
But you know my weakness,
Know where I hide my soul.
Yet you kept me safe
And you made me whole.
You made me whole.”
He looked at me as he said the last line, just a sly glance to the side, and it nearly wrecked me. And then he started the chorus.
“But you’re the rainbow I can’t touch,
The forbidden fruit I want so much.
Just one taste, one night together
Would help me endure the rest of forever.”
The emotion in Brad’s voice as he sang the chorus nearly crushed me. He did know, must have known I’d written it about him. How could he not know? I had hoped he would just like the song and gloss over it like some of the most complicated poems I’d read in my poetry class. Brad might have been a lot of things, but he was no idiot, and he’d figured it out.
So now I had to contend with emotion too, and how the hell would I be able to sing that way? I tried to think of the most peaceful place I could think of. It was a place where my parents used to take us camping as kids, high in the Rockies, next to the clearest creek I’d ever seen, a place full of warm fun days and cold nights, even in July, a place where the air was crisp and clean, and I could see the Milky Way at night. I thought of myself there and tried my damnedest not to think about what had been on my mind the night I’d written the words that started pouring out of my mouth. I held the mike in the stand on both sides as though I’d fall over if it didn’t hold me up.
“You said that you’d wait for me
But you didn’t know what that entailed.
You didn’t know my heart was diseased.
In all things love I have failed.
But you seem to see right through me.
You know my heart’s desires.
I don’t think I ever fooled you
When you set my soul on fire.
You set my soul on fire.”
And I started singing the chorus, but I still wasn’t going to look at Brad or Ethan or anybody. I was looking into the void, the black across the way, and I felt safe there. But I saw Brad out of the corner of my eye, and he got close to me. He started harmonizing on the chorus with me, even though he’d told me he was going to do that at the end. But I could read his intent. He wanted me to keep singing, to run with the bridge, and he’d back me up with harmony. So I did. And, for never having practiced together, we sounded pretty good. Our voices meshed together really well.
“You will be my heaven and hell,
My promise so far away.
Can I wait until that day?”
And then Brad moved out from behind the mike to play a solo I hadn’t heard in the acoustic version. It was wrought with raw emotion, and in that moment, I defied anyone who’d dismissed the electric guitar as simply a loud but inferior instrument to tell me otherwise. I could sense what he was feeling, and it was intense. I looked up from his guitar in the crowd and smiled at the cell phones swaying back and forth. Holy shit! That praise was for my words! Well, not just that. It was for Brad’s incredible music writing too. The song was nearly perfect by my estimation. And I was so immersed in the music, I almost forgot to start singing again. But Brad didn’t let me forget.
And this time I looked at him as we sang the chorus the last time. Yes, he knew.
And, based on the audience reaction, I think they had an inkling too. I just hoped Ethan and the other guys didn’t pick up on it. Well, I figured Ethan was clueless. I’d seen him play enough to know that if it wasn’t his guitar, it was off his radar, so I figured I was safe there.
Brad threw his guitar pick in the audience and then wrapped his hand around my neck to pull me close. He kissed me on the cheek and said, “Thanks for being a good sport.”
I just smirked at him and then tried to figure out how I was going to get off the stage. I needed to maneuver past some of the platforms and amps they had near the edge. Getting up might have been easier. But I found a space wide enough for my butt and sat on the edge, then dropped to the floor. As the applause died down, I heard Brad say, “Wasn’t she great?”
They started playing the next song, something hardcore to switch gears and move out of ballad territory, which was good for this crowd who looked ready to start moshing. I stood next to Jill and Chad again, and Jill said, “I’d forgotten how great your voice is, Val. You wrote that song?”
I grinned. “Just the words. Brad wrote the music.”
“That was great.”
I was glad it was dark, because she couldn’t see me blushing. I focused my eyes back on the band. Well, so much for being off Ethan’s radar. He looked pretty irritated.
But the rest of the time I watched them, I not only enjoyed the music, I basked in that feeling of being onstage. It was such a high, and I can’t describe what a rush it was. To feel like I was giving my soul to a throng of people, and they were loving it and giving it back…incredible. Those of us onstage were joined with the crowd by the music. So part of me envied the guys onstage. I knew they’d worked hard for this moment and all the moments that would follow, but now I’d gotten a taste—a real taste—and suddenly I experienced clarity. These four men loved being in their band more than anything else in the world, something they’d dedicated themselves wholly to, something they loved beyond everything else. Why couldn’t I do something like that?
Well, I couldn’t. I hadn’t had enough musical training, for starters. My music reading ability was pathetic at best. I might have loved music, but I couldn’t write it, couldn’t perform it save singing, and even despite that, I knew I was no Lita Ford or Cristina Scabbia. So…I needed to just relish the memory.
They were so good, and I was sad when it was over. I knew the other bands would be great, but they’d pale in comparison, mainly because I didn’t know them and didn’t know any of their songs like I did those that belonged to Fully Automatic.
While the band took their equipment off stage, Chad went outside to smoke and Jill went with him. I considered going too but didn’t want to miss if any of the guys came out to say hi. Sure enough, Brad came out a little while later and gave me a hug. “Still want to kill me?”
I couldn’t help but grin. “Yeah. A little.”
“They loved you.”
I wanted to believe that. “They loved us.”
He shook his head. “Nope. I know better.” I rolled my eyes, and he took that as a cue to change the subject. “So…wanna party with us after?”
I shrugged. “Maybe. I came with Jill and Chad, though. Is it okay if they come along?”
“Of course. The more, the merrier, right?” I smiled. “You coming to tomorrow night’s show too?”
“I wanted to but…oh, yeah. Never mind.”
“What?”
“Well, I didn’t think I was gonna have money for tickets, but I forgot Chad and Jill paid for their own.”
“So? Text me when you get there, and I’ll get you in the back door.”
“Actually, it’s a bar, so should I even be there?”
“Who cares? If you’re with me, they can’t say shit. You’re part of the band.”
“Oh, no. You’re not getting me to sing again.”
He paused for a moment, looking in my eyes, trying to read something. “You trying to tell me you didn’t like that?”
“No, I did. But I don’t want to get too used to it.”
“Why not?” No. He was getting too close…not bodily, but he knew. How was it Brad was always able to read me so easily?
I was trying to change the subject when Jill and Chad showed up. “Hey, guys. Brad wanted to know if you wanted to party with them after the concert.”
Chad said, “Probably not. Sorry. I have to work in the morning.”
I didn’t want to make them feel bad about it, so I said, “Not a problem.” I turned back to Brad. “You’ll be partying tomorrow night too, right?”
“If you have to ask, you don’t know me very well.”
I gave him a fake look of disgust. “And you’ll be in my hometown tomorrow night.”
He smiled. “Yeah.” The rest of the band joined us eventually, and we enjoyed rocking out to the other two bands. By the end, I was tired too and glad I wouldn’t be partying, but tomorrow was Saturday, which meant I could sleep late and, therefore, stay up later.
When it was time to leave, I hugged them all and told them good night. Ethan held me longer than he should have, and he asked, “Will I see you tomorrow?”
I smiled in spite of myself. He had a hold on me I couldn’t explain. “Of course.” And so he kissed me again, right there in front of everybody, tongue and all.
And stupid me. I couldn’t help but kiss him back.
* * *
The next night, I decided to play up my sexy side. If Ethan wanted me back (and I hoped to push it that far), he was going to have to win me back. But I had to make him want me. So I wore a leather mini wraparound skirt with a red baby doll t-shirt and matching sandals. My toenails were painted pink. I knew I looked good and couldn’t wait to see Ethan’s eyes. I’d dreamed about him all night, and I knew it was because he was making me feel like he cared again.
I decided to walk. It was a warm evening in late spring, and my parents lived less than ten blocks away. As planned, I texted Brad when I got to the bar where they were playing. It was an old biker’s bar that I hadn’t thought people went to very often, but Brad assured me they’d be packed. It just so happened the guys were playing with the same two bands they had the night before. My town was just an hour away from the Springs, so it wasn’t too far out of their way, and I thought it was cool that they were playing together twice.
Brad texted me to come to the back because there was a door there, so I walked around the old building and, sure enough, Brad was standing outside leaning up against the wall. He smiled, but the smile quickly faded, and it took me a few seconds to figure out why. I hadn’t anticipated the effect my clothes would have on him. I’d only been thinking about Ethan when I’d chosen my outfit. He let out a long slow whistle, but then he tried to lighten the mood, so I had no idea what he really thought. “I do believe this is the first time I’ve seen your legs, young lady.” I grinned but wasn’t sure what to say. He stood up straight as I got closer. “Sure I can’t talk you into singing with me again tonight? You kicked ass doing it on the fly last night.”
I considered it. Once I’d actually started singing, my nerves had settled and I’d enjoyed it. No, that wasn’t true. I hadn’t just enjoyed it. I’d relished it, eaten it up, imagined myself doing it over and over and loving every second of it. Yeah, Brad had put me on the spot last night, but we’d managed to do a great job never having rehearsed before. Now, I could say we’d at least done it and done fine. So did I really want to do it again? “Yeah, okay.”
“Good. Now I can take Worrying that Valerie’s gonna kill me off my list. Seriously, you won’t have to worry about being underage in there then, because you’re part of us.” He started walking, leading me inside the building. “Maybe we could have you do two songs. Maybe you should sing ‘Metal Forever.’ I f*cking love that song.”
“Oh, no. I’m not stepping on Ethan’s toes.”
He lowered his voice as we made our way through the hallway. “You wrote the goddamned song, Val. It should be your choice.”
I stopped walking. A few steps further and he realized it, turning around. “I wrote it for him. He sings it. End of story.”
He sighed and then grinned. “Fine. But you’re cool with a duet again?” I nodded. “Or would you rather sing it solo this time?”
“What would you rather do?”
“I asked you.”
I was torn. Part of me wanted to sing solo, just to see if I could do it without choking, but the audience was there to see Fully Automatic, not Fully Automatic and Valerie Quinn. I felt like I’d be cheating the audience if I sang it solo. And so I told Brad that.
“That’s cool.”
He led me onstage to where they were setting up Nick’s drum kit. Zane was helping him, but Ethan was over to the side tuning his guitar. Yep, immersed in it again, oblivious to all else. Typical. But Brad asked them, “Got this?”
They were just about done. I looked out at the bar floor, and there were already a lot of people ready to rock out. So he turned around to me again and got close, putting his arm over my shoulders. “Sure I can’t talk you into singing one more song?”
I smiled. “Yes, I’m sure.” I looked around. “So, where do I hang until then? Can I join the audience?”
“Maybe you could, but I’m not sure how we’d get you back up here in a smooth fashion. You wanna just hang out over there by the side of the stage, kinda out of the way? Maybe we could get a chair out of one of the rooms in back.”
“I guess that would be okay.” If I hadn’t seen them the night before, I might have been upset by it, because I had wanted to watch them. But I’d seen them in action now, and so I could watch them from the side this time. He left to find a chair, and I turned back around to see what progress was being made on the drums. That’s when I noticed Ethan looking at me. I had no idea what he was thinking, because his expression gave nothing away. He didn’t look happy, though, and that’s when I realized he’d seen Brad’s arm around me. I could have kicked myself. How would Ethan and I ever stand a chance if he didn’t think he had a shot?
So I walked over to him, smiling. “Hey, Ethan. How’s it going?”
He shrugged. “Fine.” Again, it felt like something weird was going on. He wasn’t acting normally. He acted mellower than he should have been at that moment—he should have been hyped—and his pupils were dilated again, just like they’d been last night. I might not have been worldly, but I was pretty sure Ethan was on something.
Had he already noticed my outfit? Did he not care? Or had he just wanted to see if I’d come running? Well, if his kisses last night were simply designed to see if I’d be the stupid starry-eyed girl who’d respond to the snap of his fingers, it had worked, and I felt foolish. I decided right then that I wouldn’t say another word to Ethan that night unless he spoke first. So I just nodded and walked over to see Zane and Nick.
“Goddamn, girl, you’re gonna steal all the attention. Yeah, these biker dudes love to hear us, but they like to look at women like you.”
Woman? That was a first. I didn’t know that I quite felt like a woman yet. Still, it was flattering. “What makes you think I’m gonna steal your attention? I’m not even gonna be up here.”
His expression changed. “I thought Brad was going to have you sing a few songs.” Oops.
I shook my head. “Nope. We’re doing what we did last night, but that’s it. He asked about another, but I’m just doing the duet again.”
He nodded. “Oh. That’s too bad.”
I was going to ask him why when Brad showed back up and showed me where he’d placed the chair, but he told me to move it to wherever I thought I’d get the best vantage point.
Soon, they started their show, and Brad only asked me to do the song we’d agreed upon. I’d been nervous, based on what Zane had said, that Brad might try conning me into something more, but he didn’t. And, just like the night before, the crowd seemed to like it, even though they hadn’t been expecting me.
I helped them take their equipment off stage when it was over, and once we had it tucked out of the way for the next band, we then had to take it out to the rented trailer attached to their van. Brad said, “Check out our tour bus, Val.”
I started laughing. It was a long navy blue van that had seen better days. “Complete with kitchen and bathroom, right?”
“Gotta start somewhere. At least, tucked in all the right places, we can fit all of us and any extra shit we need to tote that won’t fit in the trailer. When we get more of our own amps and shit, the little trailer won’t cut it anymore. For now, though, it works.”
“Where’d you get it?”
“I bought it from a church that was upgrading to a newer model.” He got up close to the side, but it was dark, so I couldn’t see it anyway. “If you look closely, you can see the old lettering I had to peel off.”
“Very cool.” I was impressed, and it was right then that I realized how focused Brad was. He was doing everything he’d said he was going to do. He was getting his band gigs and making sure they could get to them easily. I wondered how much the other guys drove the plans along. But it didn’t matter. They had Brad in their corner, and he was beginning to appear to be unstoppable.
We went back in to headbang to the other two bands and then we’d party, but I noticed Ethan had disappeared. It wasn’t until it was time to leave that we stopped in the back again to find him. He was surrounded by four young girls, and they seemed to be having a great time. I hoped that didn’t mean I wouldn’t.