chapter Thirteen
JENNIFER AND I were completely wired and ready by the time Fully Automatic came on stage. I’d had a mini concert in Brad’s garage months ago, but I’d never really seen them onstage, and I certainly hadn’t heard them singing my words. I might have been angry feeling like I had to watch them had Brad not put in an appearance beforehand. I wasn’t ready to see Ethan.
Both Ethan and Brad split up the singing time. Most of Ethan’s singing really was my words, and even though I was so angry at him I could spit nails, it felt good to hear my stuff. Jennifer fell completely in love with Zane watching him onstage and she seemed mesmerized, but she still took time to ask, “Hey, is that the poem you told me he converted into a song?”
“One of many.”
It didn’t escape my attention that when Brad could spot me just off the edge of the stage, he focused on me. His gaze penetrated deep into my soul and made me feel better about Ethan. I noticed that Ethan noticed me once and then avoided looking at me the rest of the time. Good. Let the bastard squirm. I knew that wouldn’t happen, though, because at some point, Ethan would hit that point where he experienced a performance high, and no one else existed. I’d seen him do it before…disappear into Ethan’s music world.
The second to last song, Brad said, “I’m dedicating this song to the cute brunette standing near the edge of the stage.” He looked over at me. “You know who you are.” He made sure I did know it by looking me straight in the eyes. And since he’d made such a production out of getting my attention, I made sure I gave him plenty of mine. I had plenty of admiration to give him. He’d stripped his shirt off midway through the show. I’d already noticed a new tattoo on his left arm, but I had no idea that he’d had a couple under his shirt. But more impressive than the tats was the definition of his abs and pecs. He was covered in a slight sheen of perspiration which just made each muscle stand out more. He’d been wearing a Black Label Society t-shirt over knee-length faded jean shorts with black Converse shoes. I scanned his calves for more tattoos and found none, but I knew that could change over time.
His hair, now fully past his chin, was damp, and I saw a bead of sweat slide down the side of his face. His dark eyes, though, were hotter than anything else on his body, and he was caressing me with them every chance he got. “This song is called ‘Want You’.” Okay, so that really got my attention, and I knew I hadn’t heard this song when I was in his garage. Had he written it since I’d last seen him?
I didn’t catch all of the lines, but I caught enough, because this song didn’t have screaming vocals—they were all clean. And even though some of the lines still suffered from what he’d described as being generic, they got the point across better than any other words could have. And I wasn’t the only one who thought so. By the end of the song, some of the girls in the crowd were waving their lit-up cell phones over their heads.
I’d heard the chorus enough to know what he sang:
“Want you, baby, be mine tonight.
I need you more than words can say.
I’ll make you my queen, make you my whore,
But I know I can’t have you anyway.”
I wondered if the actual words were supposed to mean something to me or if he just wanted to dedicate his sexiest song to me to send a message? Either way, I got the hint.
After the last song, one that would have become their signature (had things not changed), called “Bullet Through My Soul,” they got their stuff off stage so the last band could set up. Jennifer and I enjoyed the third band halfway through until Brad came out and headbanged with us for a few minutes. Then he urged us to come backstage.
Well…if you could call it that. Backstage was barely even a room. Crammed in there were several band members from both Fully Automatic and the first band. It was quieter, though, and we could talk.
Zane joined Brad, and I could tell something between him and my roommate had reignited. I was glad, because I wanted them to be happy, but more than that, it meant I was free to feel like I didn’t have to entertain my friend. Brad said, “We’re gonna go party at Zane’s in a minute. Much as I wanna stay and headbang, ‘cause this band’s awesome, Ethan’s in a hurry to get out of here. So…you’ll come by after?”
I smiled. “Yeah.”
“Promise?”
“Yes. I said yes.”
“Just making sure.”
Zane actually kissed Jennifer before the two of us went back in the crowd. Jennifer was ready to leave; I could tell. But I told her the guys would want to clean up before we got there, so it wouldn’t hurt to give them some time.
We left when the last band was done playing, and then we had to wait some for the parking lot to clear out. When we got to Zane and Ethan’s, I knocked on the door, hoping against hope that Ethan didn’t answer the door. I still couldn’t look at him.
Zane answered the door. There were several people in that tiny little room. Zane had been sitting in his desk chair and invited Jennifer to join him. Nick was passed out on the floor in the corner, but there was a girl sitting next to him, trying to wake him up. Ethan also had a girl sitting next to him on his bed. I was surprised that it wasn’t the girl who’d been there earlier that week. I determined then that Ethan was a slut.
Brad had been sitting in the other chair and stood up when he saw me. He came over and gave me a hug. He was wearing fresh clothes, and his hair was damp. He’d showered since I’d seen him, and he smelled fresh and clean. He’d already been drinking, and he had a bottle of rum in his hand. He draped an arm over my shoulders. “We’re getting ready to play some quarters. I know you don’t drink, but will you hang with me?”
“Yeah.”
In between slamming shots, Brad asked me questions about the show, not just if I liked it, but he asked technical questions about particular elements, like how his guitar sounded during certain spots, how his and Ethan styles melded, how they looked onstage. I answered as best as I could, but his arm over my shoulder was quite distracting.
And then, when Ethan started getting more physical with his date, I felt more uncomfortable. Brad was pretty drunk by that point, but he was still sharp. “Wanna get out of here?”
I nodded, and we slipped out of the room. At that point, I wasn’t sure if anyone even noticed we were leaving. I sensed it was getting ready to turn into an orgy, the way people had started groping each other.
Brad moved his arm to around my waist. “Where are we going?”
“Let’s go to my room.” He smiled.
Once we were out in the hall, he said, “So…that shithead Ethan’s not even writing his own lyrics anymore? That right?”
I nodded. “Yeah…a lot of those words were mine.” I worked up the courage to reciprocate by putting my arm around his waist as well. Smooth Brad didn’t say a word and just kept talking.
“Goddamn, girl. Pretty impressive. That one song—‘Metal Forever.’ You write that?”
“Yeah…and ‘Coming Down,’ ‘Intended Punishment,’ and ‘Fates Aligned.’ Also, the basis for ‘Scythe’ was one of my poems too.”
“No shit.” We walked in silence for a while and passed the place in the walkway where Charlotte attacked me. I forced myself to look away from that spot on the polished floor. “Maybe we need to hire you as our full-time songwriter.”
I started laughing. “I just like writing.”
“I’m not f*ckin’ with you, Val. You’re writing shit the likes of which we’ve never seen.” I looked down at the ground and leaned my head into him. I didn’t like talking about myself like that. We walked up the stairs and then reached my floor and started walking down the hall toward my room. He said, “Zane told me about some fight you got into. Your ex-roommate just tried to beat hell out of you?”
“Something like that.”
I unlocked the door to my room and turned on the light. He closed the door behind him and looked around our rather unimpressive room and smiled. He didn’t let me get far. He slid a thumb across my forehead. “I’m glad she didn’t leave any scars on that pretty little head of yours.”
I grinned. “Yeah. And I wouldn’t want to have to sue her ass.” He started laughing…hard. Oh, shit. He’d had a lot to drink—rum, straight out of the bottle, and it was showing. “Come on in.” I walked back to the door and locked it. When I turned around, Brad was starting to sit on Jennifer’s bed. “No, not there. The other bed.”
He stood up and raised his eyebrows. “Oh…you gonna come curl up with me?” He was being so silly, and I didn’t want to laugh, but he was hammered.
“I think I need to put you to bed.”
He looked at me and sobered up quickly. He sat up. “I’d like that. Want me to tell you where to start?”
I couldn’t help but smile as I got closer. “Oh, Brad. You are such a bad, bad boy.”
He smiled back. He had a twinkle in his eye. “You like bad boys?”
God…he was irresistible. “I like you.”
“Did you know I turned twenty in March?”
“Yeah? So now you’re an older bad boy?”
He looked so…desirable in that moment, the look in his eye. I got closer to the bed, and he held out his hands, palms up. I put mine in his. He said, “I think you’re probably the best birthday present I’ve had.” I sat down next to him. He ran his hand along my cheek and kissed me lightly on the lips. Then he opened his eyes and said, “I’m way f*ckin’ drunker than I thought. I need to rest my head. The room is spinning.” He lay back, and his head fell on the pillow.
I sighed. I didn’t even get a real kiss. I pulled his sneakers off and then grabbed his legs to pull them up on the bed. Afterward, I went to the bathroom where I brushed my teeth and changed into a Godsmack t-shirt and flannel pajama pants. I switched off the light and curled up on the tiny sliver of bed left after Brad’s body ate up the rest. The only way I could fit was by resting my head on his chest and draping my arm and leg over him. He was so warm, I didn’t need a blanket. And as I drifted off to sleep, I wondered if I’d ever get a chance to really kiss him.
* * *
Pounding on the door. I startled, realizing I was wrapped up like a burrito in Brad’s arms. Somehow during the night we’d both rolled over, and I was truly in his arms. I managed to get myself untangled from Brad, and he somehow managed to stay asleep in spite of the ridiculous banging on the door. “Hold on a second!”
I glanced at the clock on my way across the room—it was barely six in the morning. I also noted there was no Jennifer, which told me she spent the night with Zane. Then again, maybe Jennifer was at the door, having stayed up all night partying, unable to find her key.
I opened the door to none other than Ethan. “What the hell?” I couldn’t even get the words out of my mouth before he was shoving his way into my room.
“I knew it. You son of a bitch.” He stormed over to my bed and grabbed Brad by the shoulders. “Wake up, you motherf*cker.” Ethan was drunk—very drunk. Brad stirred but was still pretty out of it. I shook myself out of my shocked paralysis and started racing over to where Ethan was manhandling Brad. He was trying to hold Brad up off the bed by his t-shirt at the neck. “Did you f*ck her?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” He looked around. “Where am I?” Then he saw me standing behind Ethan, frantically trying to pull Ethan off him. Brad wasn’t fighting him, though. “Valerie…Did I? Did we…?”
Ethan finally gave into my tugging. I asked, “What are you doing?”
He turned to look at me and grabbed me by the shoulders. “You mean…you invited him here? Did he force himself on you?”
“Force himself on me? Whatever gave you that idea? Brad is a gentleman.”
I saw Brad raise his eyebrows as he sat up in bed, but he didn’t say anything. Maybe he was remembering my bad boy comment from the night before. Ethan continued. “Gentleman? Then he seduced you.”
I rolled my eyes. The situation was ludicrous, and I was still quite angry with Ethan. Who was he to barge in my room early in the morning and start shouting accusations? “Get out.”
“He did. You did.”
“Get the hell out of here, Ethan. I’ve had it with you.”
“But Valerie…”
I was trying to push him out of the room to no avail. “For your information, we did not have sex. But if we had, I can assure you that we both would have been willing.”
The look on Ethan’s face changed from anger to pain and worry. “You mean…you would have slept with my best friend?”
I heard Brad behind me. “Really?”
“And not with me?”
“You a*shole. After the way you’ve treated me, you think I’d want to sleep with you? You never even tried, Ethan Richards. And neither did Brad. But that’s unimportant. Nothing happened. Now…” I started pushing Ethan toward the door, and his shock made it possible. “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d really like to get some sleep. Good night, Ethan.”
I gently pushed him out into the hall and closed the door. I started to lock it when Ethan opened it again and pushed his head in the crack. “You sure you didn’t sleep with him and just forgot?”
“Positive.” I pushed his head back out the door, shut it, and locked it quickly so he couldn’t come in again.
I walked back in the room and Brad asked, “What happened exactly?”
“You don’t remember?”
“It’s fuzzy.”
“You fell asleep.”
“What were we doing?”
I didn’t know if I wanted to mention his failed attempt at kissing me. “We were just joking around, and you passed out on my bed.”
He squinted his eyes, trying to remember something. “But…you slept here…in this bed…with me, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah. This is my bed. That bed over there belongs to my roommate. I didn’t think it’d be cool if I crashed on her bed, just in case she came back needing it.”
“I lost a golden opportunity. I need to quit drinking so much.”
I grinned. “Maybe. Now…I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted, and you need your rest too. Do you mind sleeping for a little longer?”
He raised his eyebrows. “No way in hell will I be able to sleep if you cuddle up next to me like you did last night.”
“Oh…” I was trying to figure out how to make it work.
“No. You know what? You said I was a gentleman, so I guess I’ll do my best to keep being a gentleman.”
“You sure?”
“Shit, Val…it’s your bed. I’m not kickin’ you out of it just ‘cause I’m a—what’d you call me last night? I might be a bad boy, but I can keep my dogs down.”
“I didn’t say that.”
He laughed. “No, but I do remember you calling me a bad boy. And you seemed to like that.”
I just smiled. “So is it okay if I lie here too? I’ll roll over so my back is to you.”
I heard him sigh. “Do what you gotta do. I’ll…just roll over too.” And so we lay like that in bed for some time, our backs to each other, and I was growing so uncomfortable—feeling like I was in an unnatural posture and as though I were going to fall off the bed—that I was contemplating getting up. But Brad started moving and he rolled over. “I can’t get comfortable. I promise…no funny business.” I turned my head to look at him. “But are you okay if I face this way? Isn’t that what we did last night?”
I lay my head back on my half of the pillow, so I was sure he couldn’t see me smile. “Yeah.”
“Do you mind if we do it again? I don’t think I’ll be able to get to sleep the other way, and I’ve got a headache. I just want to sleep it off.”
“Yeah, that’s fine.”
He tucked his arm in between his abdomen and my back, and I imagined that wouldn’t be as comfortable either, so I reached behind me and grabbed his arm, pulling it over my waist. “That’s not an invitation.”
“Is it okay to close the gap?”
I considered it. “I guess that would be okay.”
So he did, resting his body right up against mine. And, although I was still inexperienced at this point, I was keenly aware that I’d be able to tell if he was getting a little excited. But I also knew that, no matter how much he might have liked the idea, he still needed more sleep, and it sounded like he had a bit of a hangover. So, even though he pulled me close and cuddled me like a lover might have, all we did was sleep.
That’s not to say I didn’t have a hell of a time drifting off. He was warm but not too hot, so he was definitely snuggle material. And feeling a man’s body against mine—hard where mine was soft, hairy where mine was not—made it difficult for me to doze off. When I finally did, I’m pretty sure my dreams weren’t about Ethan.
* * *
Needless to say, I wasn’t able to sleep as much as I would have liked. I kept waking up, simply because I wasn’t used to sharing my bed. So I got up and decided to start my day. I had plenty of studying I had to do, especially with finals right around the corner, but first a shower.
After I extricated myself from his arms, I looked back at him. God, he was cute, especially sleeping. He looked like he had no worries in the world. And then I took a deep breath. What was I thinking?
Time to take that shower.
When I returned to my room, I was wearing a robe and slipper socks, and while I was covering more than I would have if I were wearing jeans, I suppose it could have been construed as suggestive, but I hated forcing clothes on my damp body. It took longer and was a bigger pain, so I liked to wait a few minutes before getting dressed. So I sat at my desk and opened my makeup drawer, pulling out the mirror and turning on the desk light to put on my makeup. Once done, I pulled off the towel and combed out my hair and then I was ready to get dressed.
As I stood up, I heard Brad say, “Morning.”
I looked over at him. He was sitting up in bed, stretching his shoulders. “Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah. Thanks.” He took me in, realizing I’d been up for a while. “Did I make it hard for you to sleep?”
No way would I tell him that yes, he did, because it wouldn’t be for the reasons he was asking. So I told him I slept fine. He rubbed his face and then slid his legs off the bed. He didn’t see his shoes so he looked on the other side before I could tell him that was where they were. Then he stood up. He looked sleepy, but he still looked like the kind of guy I should keep my eyes off of.
I think we were both feeling a little awkward by that point.
He said, “If you can just point me in the right direction, I think I can find Ethan’s place. I need to see what the guys are up to—I’m not sure when we’re hitting the road.”
So I took him to the door and pointed down the hall. “Go through that door to the stairs. When you get to the ground floor, go out the door. Then there’s a long hallway. Follow it all the way to the end. There you’ll see a door just like this one. Those are the stairs to Ethan’s dorm. He’s on the second floor.”
“Yeah…I remembered that much.” He paused. “Hey…thanks.”
“For what?”
He smiled and shook his head. What was he thinking? “For everything.” He started walking in the direction I’d pointed him, but he turned around. “I’ll be back in a while.”
I nodded my head. “Okay.” At first, I’d thought that odd, but then I realized they’d want to say goodbye before they left. And then I wondered how poor Nick was doing. Last night, he’d been in even worse shape than Brad had been.
After he left, I got dressed, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and made my bed. Then I sat at my desk and started reading through the next chapter in the textbook for my poetry class.
It wasn’t long, though, before I heard a knock at my door. Surely they weren’t leaving already, but I still wouldn’t have been surprised if it was Jennifer needing in. It wasn’t, though. It was Brad…looking more awake and in clean clothes. “What’s going on?”
I stepped back to let him in. “You think I was f*cked up…you have no idea. Zane let me in. All I can figure is they were still partying when Ethan came over here this morning. Nick isn’t even there. Zane said he’s pretty sure he went to that girl’s dorm room sometime after we left. He and Jennifer were crashed on his bed, decided to lay down till morning. Ethan was crashed on his bed too. But…looks like I’m gonna be here a while. I could text Nick, but I’d rather give him a little while longer to sleep.” He shrugged.
“You can hang with me if you want.” I wondered if he’d want to watch television while I was studying or maybe we could get some breakfast somewhere.
But he got close to me. “That’s not the main reason why I came back here, though.” And whatever words had been on my tongue went scurrying to the floor. “We have a little unfinished business.”
I was finally able to swallow, but my voice sounded weak and tiny. “We do?”
He leaned over and cupped my face in his hands to bring my lips to his. My breath was shallow as he touched his lips to mine. But although his hands on my face were gentle, his kiss was not. His lips were firm and demanding, and I parted mine, inviting his tongue into my mouth. I felt lightheaded in the presence of this man and just allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of finally kissing him. When he let go of my lips, he said, “Unfinished, right?”
All I could do was give him a thin smile and let out the rest of the air in my lungs. I didn’t notice until then that I’d put my hands on his pecs. And, since I wasn’t pushing him away, he took that as a signal to move forward. He moved his hands to my waist and pulled me as close to him as I could possibly be. And his next kiss transported me. I no longer felt like silly little Valerie Quinn, college freshman, living in a tiny dorm room without a clue of what she wanted to do with her life. Instead, I got my first taste of womanhood, for inside me he opened up a Pandora’s Box of emotions and desires I hadn’t known existed. Yes, I’d thought I knew, but Brad was a whole other level when it came to arousing me. Maybe it was because we already had some flirty sexual thing going. And while I was confused, I wanted to venture a little further.
I felt the hair on my arms standing on end while I slid my hands up to his neck to hold his face from his jaw to his temple while his tongue danced with mine, performing some wicked magic inside me. And then, when I moved my hands into his soft hair, I couldn’t help but notice yet didn’t object to his hands moving to cup my ass and push me into him.
And, oh, was that a delicious sensation. I might have known, in the logical, cold sense, how my body was supposed to work but being a late bloomer hadn’t experienced what those things I knew about actually felt like. My entire body felt like it had been plugged into an outlet, and I could have lit up a Christmas tree. My senses were heightened, and there was nothing he could have done in that moment that would have felt wrong.
But that stupid little niggling voice in the back of my head. I could hear it. It might have been muffled, but I could still hear it telling me I didn’t want to lose my virginity in the heat of the moment just because I couldn’t control myself. It told me I didn’t love Brad, and that was, of course, my cardinal rule.
Oh, in those few seconds, I think I tried to convince myself I did. I certainly loved the way he knew how to handle my body. And that time, when he released my lips, he moved to kiss my neck, and I heard a low moan escape my lips. So who could blame him when he took that as a signal to go? One of his hands released my ass and slid up underneath my shirt. Again, I was surprised at my body’s response to him. His warm hand on my side felt delightful and electric, but that little voice tried one more time, urging me to stop. If I didn’t put on the brakes now, it was all over, because that little voice was getting buried deeper and deeper, and the sensations of Brad’s touch were feeling better by the second.
And so I listened.
One of my hands released the hair in its grip and brought itself back down to his pec to aid me in stopping the proceedings. And good thing too, because I detected that I might be feeling his piston revving up.
“Brad…please stop.”
He opened his eyes and moved his head to look at me. “Stop?”
“Yeah.”
He kissed me again, knocking the wind out of me once more. “Stop that?”
I took a moment and blinked. “Yes.”
“You don’t seem so sure…” He pressed his forehead on mine and gazed in my eyes. “What’s wrong?”
By now, I had both hands on his chest as though they could push him away…as though my hands wanted to push him away, but we were still in a tight embrace, and I wasn’t pushing against him. “I…It’s not you, Brad. Oh, God, it’s not you. I swear. I want you bad.”
He was trying to understand. “So why not? If you’re worried about birth control…”
That got my attention. Yeah, I should have been, but it had been the last thing from my mind. “No. I’m…um…” I swallowed hard. “I’m a…”
“Virgin?” I took a deep breath and nodded.
“Oh.” I could see his mind struggling with this new knowledge. He nodded and said it again. “Oh. Yeah. Uh…your first time should be…special, right? At least, for girls. I didn’t give much of a shit.”
In spite of the overwhelming and heady mix of emotions, I couldn’t help but giggle, and I think that was partly from the relief that I wouldn’t have to explain to Brad how f*cked up my mind really was. I didn’t think I loved him, and I had that stupid idea that I have to love the first guy I gave myself to. That’s what would make it special, I thought.
But his eyes kept scanning mine. “That’s not it, though. It’s Ethan, isn’t it? You still care about him.”
Did I? I’d been so angry with him, and then that’s when I realized Brad was right. I was only so furious with him because I’d cared so much to begin with. But I didn’t say a word.
Brad was no dummy, though. He let out a long breath of air and loosened his grip on me. “And…I already told you, as you’ll recall, nothing between you and me as long as he’s in the picture.” He let me go and turned around to pace the length of my room. He let out another deep breath and then looked over at me, still frozen in place by the door. All I could hear was his step, one after the other, as I held my breath, waiting to hear what he had to say. “So…how about we go grab a bite to eat? I’m starving.”
“Uh, I…”
“On me.”
Well, after breaking his heart and crushing his balls, it was the least I could do.