Bullet

chapter Sixteen



WHEN WE GOT to the van—the band, me, and the other four girls—Brad said, “All you motherf*ckers in back. Val is riding shotgun with me. You guys work out the details amongst yourselves back there.”

I smiled and got in. Yes, in his own way, Brad was always a gentleman. When everyone was in, he said, “Buckle up.” Then he leaned over and whispered to me, “There aren’t enough seats for all of ‘em. This should be fun.”

But they managed. I looked back and could see that the two wide seats back there could each easily accommodate three people. But that meant they had one extra person. Just so happened that one of the two blonde twins sat on Ethan’s lap. Yeah. Thanks, Brad. Really f*cking funny.

But he started the van and backed up, not realizing the distress he’d caused me. He asked, “You like being onstage, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah…”

He looked over at me and smiled, but the dark partially masked his face. “You should do it more often.” He looked back at the road. “You’re good at it.”

Well, I didn’t know about that, but I did know I’d enjoyed it. A couple of the girls in the back started giggling, and Brad reached over and cranked the music. I saw that he’d already had a CD player installed, so I figured the speakers were top of the line. Brad took his music seriously. Buried under the music, I let my mind wander, spurred by his last words. Yes, I’d loved being on that stage. I never would have thought I’d really enjoy something like that, but I had. I had to quell those emotions, though, because I knew nothing would ever come of it. It was temporary. The summer would soon be over, and I’d be back at school…with or without Ethan.

Brad parked the van at one of the cheaper motels in town, just a few blocks away on the same side of town but near the outskirts. As everyone was piling out, Brad hung back so he could lock up the van. He said to me, “Yeah, I know it’s not the greatest accommodations and, yeah, we’re all sharing just one room, but we’re starving musicians, right?”

“I didn’t say a word. I’m impressed as hell at the van.”

He smiled. “I knew there was a reason I liked you.” He affectionately touched my chin with his fist.

By the time we got to the room, the rest of the gang had already piled in. I wasn’t surprised when I saw Nick and Zane open a dresser drawer and pull out bottles upon bottles of liquor. I raised my eyebrows. “Where do you guys get all that?”

Brad wiggled his eyebrows up and down, and I knew I was in line to get a smartass answer. “Connections.”

He closed the door behind me. Everyone was sitting in a circle—some were on the edges of the beds, two were sitting on chairs, and Ethan was flanked by the blonde twins on the floor. He had a matching pair. How cute. Brad and I sat on the edge of the bed closest to the door.

Ethan pulled a cigarette out of his pocket…at least, that was what I’d thought it was at first. I found out quickly, based on its uneven size, that it was a joint. He lit it and held the smoke in while handing it to the girl on his left. Then he took three other joints and the lighter and handed them to Nick who started spreading the joy. Zane, meanwhile, had started a few bottles going around the circle.

Oh, God. I was the stick in the mud here, and I knew it. I wasn’t going to be drinking or smoking, and I could have kicked myself. I should have known this was the kind of thing they were going to do when Brad had invited me to party, but I hadn’t thought much about it. I’d instead just wanted to spend time with the guys…well, Ethan. And he’d already ruined that.

Before I could fully register what was happening, everyone except for me had taken a drink or a toke or both. Brad had a joint in between his fingers and pulled on it, holding it in his lungs until he couldn’t anymore, and then he blew it out in a slow, lazy exhale. He handed it to me, and I immediately started to hand it to the girl seated next to me.

Brad leaned close. “Come on, Val. Just try it.”

I trusted Brad, yes, but I’d never tried anything like marijuana, and I wasn’t ready to cross that line. I shook my head and so he nodded, and then I passed the joint on. He closed his eyes and said, “F*ck. That’s nice.” I wondered how much the pot and booze had cost them in addition to everything else. At this rate, they probably weren’t making any money playing the music, but I wasn’t going to tell them how to live their lives.

“I’m gonna get some water. Do you know where the vending machines are?”

“Don’t waste your money. There are glasses on the counter over there, and I’ll go get some ice since none of these douchebags bothered.”

So I got up and got some water while Brad left with the bucket to find ice. I poured some water into the glass and sucked it down, then poured another glass when Brad showed up with ice. There was some conversation about music, some about the show itself, but Brad and I were quiet. He had a couple more hits and one more swig out of one of the bottles floating around. As the minutes ticked by, I felt myself getting a little lightheaded. As more minutes ticked by, everyone in the room started getting a little friendlier, but my attention kept getting drawn to Ethan. The two blondes were now sitting on their haunches facing each other in front of Ethan’s face, and I got the idea they were responding to his commands. It pissed me off that the lyrics I wrote for him helped him score those girls. In that way, I guessed I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. The two girls started kissing each other, and before I could look away, Brad said, “Why don’t we go sit in the van and talk?”

I didn’t know what his motive was for offering to get me out of there, if he’d seen the look of horror on my face at the girls or felt bad about the pot or if he had other designs. But it felt like a rescue, and I was going to take it.

He took me by the hand and I stood, and that was when I noticed Zane getting friendly with his date as well. Yes, I was being saved…from what, I didn’t know, but I felt immense relief. If being in a band meant a nightly drunken orgy, I knew I needed to hang up the music fantasy right now.

It was quiet in the dark parking lot. There was only one street lamp in the lot, and it was closer to the office by the street, so even though the light reached his van, it wasn’t bright. Brad leaned over and had trouble getting his key in the lock, so he started feeling for it with the fingers on his other hand. Then he started laughing. He was feeling no pain at that moment.

He got the door open, and I could feel the stifling heat that had been trapped inside pouring out. “We need to open the windows.” He moved to the front and turned on the van so he could roll them down, and so I sat in the passenger seat. When he finished, he said, “Let’s sit back there where there’s more leg room.”

Okay, now I figured out his ulterior motive but decided I was okay with it. Looking back, I know I also had a bit of a contact high, so my judgment was impaired, but deep at the heart of it, I also felt an undeniable sexual attraction for the man who was at the passenger door before I could barely get the door open. He placed his hands on my waist and lowered me down out of the van. And the look in his eyes was like a harpoon…Cupid’s harpoon. Except it didn’t infect me with love but sexual desire.

But we got in, and he urged me to sit in the seat in the very back. It was a little bigger than the one in the middle. Once he sat down next to me, he started laughing again, this time uncontrollably. I couldn’t figure out what was so funny, but his laughter was infectious. Soon I started giggling at him, and I didn’t finish until my stomach ached.

But then his face got serious again, and he stroked my cheek. “Sorry about earlier. I guess we put you in an uncomfortable position. I didn’t know you didn’t smoke pot.”

“I was accused of being prude in high school more than once.”

He placed his hand on my thigh. “Oh, I don’t think you’re prude, Val. You just haven’t met your drug of choice, and you definitely haven’t met the right guy.”

His hand was warm. I was staring at it and deciding if I wanted to push it off my leg or not. As usual, though, I couldn’t resist Brad…flirting with him or anything else. So I said, “Meaning you’re the wrong guy?”

He smirked at me, and I wished I could figure out what he was thinking. “Yeah, I’m sure I’m the wrong guy, but I can feel like the right one if you let me try.”

I don’t know why, but his words were exactly what I needed to hear in that hazy state, and I felt like the most special girl in the world then. Brad had that effect on me, and I think it’s because I’d never seen him with another female…ever. It allowed me to believe him. Someone like Ethan, though…it was evident that he loved women, but he loved all of them. Whether Brad had designs on other girls or not, I didn’t know, because I’d never seen him hit on other girls when I was around. It was like he only had eyes for me. And I don’t have any idea why, because—even though that sexual attraction was there—I didn’t feel like I was encouraging him at all. He knew I was hung up on Ethan. He’d known that from the first day I’d met him.

“Did I tell you already how much I like this skirt?”

In spite of my muddled emotions (or because of them), I liked his hand on my thigh and a deep, dark part of me that I would never admit to thought I wouldn’t mind if he moved his hand even higher. But I struggled to maintain control. Still, I couldn’t stop myself from flirting. “Your eyes did.”

He took his hand off my leg and placed it on the back of my neck while his lips touched mine. The passion—yes, it was still there, murky and bottomless, threatening to consume us both, but somehow he had a grip on himself. I didn’t know if it was the pot helping him to slow down, but this kiss was not like the kisses we’d shared in the past, as few as they’d been. This kiss felt like an exploration…not just of my mouth but of what was between us. It was questioning, probing, moving slowly, hoping to find something.

And, yeah, whether I wanted to admit it or not, my judgment was impaired, although I don’t think Brad could have been considered a bad choice for anything. But my code—the notion I had that I needed to love the man I lost my virginity to—was thrown out the window with the too hot air in his van.

And after luxuriating in his sweet kisses for several minutes, he kissed my neck, and those nerves must have been connected to my nipples and my p-ssy, because the sensations vibrated to those places and past them to my core. Oh, God, I wanted Brad like I’d never wanted anyone else. To hell with the code. So when he said, “Come on up here,” and placed his hands under my arms to help lift me on his lap, I went with the flow. My legs were bent at the knees as I positioned myself on top of him, straddling him. Oh, it would be so easy, and I tingled all over in anticipation of what was sure to follow.

He started kissing me again and, in spite of my feeling of relaxation, I could feel my muscles respond to his touch over my entire body, and I could tell I was breathing heavier too. I’d been running my fingers through his thick, soft hair, but now I decided to act with abandon. I felt my way to the bottom of his shirt, but I wasn’t just going to be coy and run my hand on his skin underneath. Oh, no. I was going to take his shirt off. I wanted to feel all of his skin. I’d never done it, and I knew he had a firm body and just the slightest amount of hair on his skin to make him look deliciously masculine. I’d seen it enough times that I wanted to touch it. He leaned forward to help me and grabbed it too to help pull it off. And then he thrust his fingers in my hair followed by his tongue in my mouth again, and I felt as though every nerve fiber in my body was ready to start singing. So when I felt his hands on the bottom of my t-shirt, I just pulled my head away from him and lifted my arms. He set my shirt on top of his on the seat beside us and placed his hands on my cheeks to pull my mouth to him again.

I think he knew I needed to move slowly, because he didn’t just grab my breasts even though they were right there, and I probably would have let him. Instead, he moved his hands to the small of my back and, while still kissing me, moved them up, just feeling every square inch of bare skin below my bra strap.

Meanwhile, my hands were enjoying feeling his chest and abs. His skin was smooth but firm underneath, and as I explored, I felt him growing hard underneath me. Oh…that felt really nice, the feeling of his penis up against me, right where he belonged. His jeans and my panties were all that separated that joining, because my skirt wasn’t impeding us at all.

He moved his lips to my neck once again, and I heard a breath of air rush out of my mouth. This time, though, he kept moving down and began kissing the tops of my breasts that weren’t covered by my bra. Yeah, this felt way too good to stop. I was unaware of everything else—of the almost uncomfortable, stifling warmth in the van, of the world around us. It was just Brad and me.

He slid his hands up my back, and his hands started to grab the back of my bra with the intention of unclasping it. That’s when I heard a girl giggling outside the van. Then Nick’s voice. Then the creak of the metal door sliding open.

Nick was laughing and then stopped when he got inside. “Oh. Don’t let us stop you.”

The dome light was on now, and it brought me completely back to my senses, to the present. Oh, my God. Here I was in one of the most compromising situations I’d ever been in. Was I really considering having sex? In a van where anyone could just peek in and see? With Brad? Really? What the hell was wrong with me?

Nick couldn’t shut up, though. He slid the door closed, his giggly girl now inside and on the seat, so the light was off again. “We’re just gonna take the seat up here. Proceed.”

I think Brad knew the gig was up, but I had to give him credit for trying. He brought his lips back to my neck, then my ear, and asked, “You okay?”

I took a deep breath to kind of stabilize myself and said, “Define okay.”

He chuckled, and I noticed Nick and his girl had quieted down to just a series of random grunts and gasps and the sound of clothing being tossed off or pushed aside. Brad said, “We can keep going.”

No, we couldn’t, not now that I was back to my senses. “I really should go.” I started reaching for my shirt, feeling along the seat.

“Oh, Valerie,” he said, whispering, and I could almost believe it was just him and me again. He ran his fingers back through my hair at the temples. “I could make you feel like you were born to fly. I want to do that. I want to show you what you were made for.”

Oh, he was tempting. I considered it…for just a moment and then blew a stream of air out of my mouth. I started feeling for my shirt again, groping beside me, now starting to panic. He kissed my neck again. God, I had to get out of there.

“Brad, I’m sorry. I can’t.” Even in the dark as I pulled back, I could see the grimace on his face. But he let me slide the shirt back on and even reached for his own.

I maneuvered off him after my shirt was on and then I sat on the seat, feeling for the sandals that had long since slipped off my feet. By the time I had my shoes on, his white t-shirt was back on, and he followed me as I made my way to the door. When I got out, I couldn’t help but notice that Nick and his girl were attached at the hip and only partially unclothed, but—despite my lack of expertise—I was pretty sure they were already mid-coitus.

The air felt cool and fresh, and it helped me gain my bearings. And I noticed my panties were soaking wet. That freaked me out at first, but I didn’t want to say anything. Brad slid the door to the van closed and pulled me close again, his hands circling me at my waist. “Did they make you uncomfortable? I know that was weird. I can get us a room, just you and me…”

“I can’t, Brad. I just can’t.” I looked down. I felt guilty. “I think I’ll just go home.”

He was still holding me pressed close to him. “No, that’s cool. I respect your decision…probably more than you’ll ever know.” He rested my head on his shoulder and held me in a tight embrace. “Doesn’t mean I didn’t wish you wouldn’t change your mind.” He let out a heavy sigh. “How far do you live from here?”

“Not too far. Probably less than a mile.”

“I’ll walk you home.” He let me go but wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “You okay?”

I smiled, wrapped my arm around his hip, laced my thumb through a belt loop on the other side of his jeans, and leaned my head into the crook of his arm. “Yeah, I think so.”

“You are amazing.”

I giggled, thinking that was the truth. I even amazed myself sometimes.

* * *

“Val, the door!” Danny yelled up the stairs to my bedroom, although he was so loud, I think the neighbors could have heard him.

I’d been hiding out in my room since we’d gotten home from church that morning. Oh…I’d prayed and prayed and prayed. I was a sinner, and I was going to burn. I felt so guilty, and I’d hated being in that building that day, surrounded by good God-fearing people and a few hypocrites. I felt like they were all staring me down like they knew.

We went home to pot roast and potatoes, one of mom’s specialties, and ate what started as a quiet meal. But then the family asked me questions about the night before, and I told them about the concert…but not the party after. They expressed interest in meeting my friends, and I told them if they came back to Winchester, I’d make sure they would get to.

After we’d done dishes and the leftovers were put away, dad went out back to mow the lawn and mom went in the basement to work on whatever craft she had going on. I think at that time she was into ceramics, but I can’t remember. She went through phases, focusing on needlepoint one month, quilting the next, scrapbooking later on. So Danny started playing a videogame, and I went to my room to listen to music. I’d only been in there for five minutes or so when Danny hollered at me.

I figured it was either Jill, having enjoyed our time together and wanting to spend more, or one of my other old high school friends I hadn’t seen since last year. But it wasn’t. It was Brad.

Seeing him was completely unexpected. I wasn’t quite ready to see him. I smiled, feeling shy, trying to forget our steamy night together. He’d been so loaded, maybe he’d forgotten. And that made it easier for me to talk. “Come in.” He came into the living room and sat on the sofa. I’d just promised my parents I’d introduce them to my friends, but my family didn’t know it was way too soon. So I had to see what Brad wanted and send him on his merry way. I didn’t have to introduce Danny because my brother had already passed me on his way back to the family room. “So…what’s up?” I hoped it wasn’t going to be any kind of awkward apology for what had happened between us. Oh, shit. Maybe I should have talked to him outdoors. I didn’t need my family hearing about what a slut I’d become.

I was nervous, wondering what the hell he wanted. Surely, he wasn’t there to confess his undying love to me or anything stupid like that. “Me and the guys wanted to talk to you about something before we blow town.” I had already expected them to be gone, but I wasn’t going to say so. I knew they must have continued to party hard the night before and were just getting around to leaving.

“What?”

“We’re gonna eat a late lunch before we go. The guys are already at a pizza place downtown. Can you join us for a few minutes?”

“Sure.” I wasn’t going to tell him I didn’t plan to eat. “I need to let my mom and dad know, though.” So I got up, and he came with me. I yelled down the stairs to the basement. “Hey, mom, is it okay if I go hang with my band friends for a while before they leave?”

She was talking but moving at the same time because her voice got closer as she continued. “Where are you going to be?” She appeared at the foot of the stairs.

“Napoli, I think.”

“Oh, is this Ethan?”

Oh, shit. I’m sure Brad loved hearing that. “No, I’m Brad Payne, Mrs. Quinn.” Mom was already walking up the stairs, so he held his hand out to her as she got near him.

“Nice to meet you,” she said, shaking his hand. I was glad she didn’t ask or say anything else. “I’m sure that’s fine, hon. What time do you think you’ll be home?”

I looked at Brad. “I should have her home in two hours or less.”

“Have fun, kids.”

On the way there, I figured out what they wanted to talk to me about. They wanted to apologize for the activities of the night before—the drugs, alcohol, and sex. But I wouldn’t take the wind out of Brad’s sails. I would let them apologize, and I would graciously accept it. Even though I would probably harbor a grudge against Ethan for my entire natural life, I did want to remain friends with these guys. It had been a simple misunderstanding, and I knew now that I was too straight-laced to hang out with my band buddies after hours. Still, it was sweet of them to think enough of me to say they were sorry.

Brad didn’t say a word on the way, choosing instead to crank an old Guns N’ Roses CD. I thought either he was feeling sheepish about the night before too or maybe he had forgotten a lot of it. That was okay, because I didn’t want to talk about it either. Just thinking about the fact that he’d seen me with my shirt off—that he’d kissed the top of my boobs!, a place no one else had ever touched—made me blush like mad. Maybe I’d be able to talk about it someday, but I wasn’t ready yet.

When we got to the restaurant, I hopped out of the van before Brad could play gentleman again. I wanted to go back to being regular old Valerie, just one of the gang. He met me in front of the van, though, and we walked in together. Just as the hostess came to ask us if there were two in our party, Brad said we were already with a group, and he’d already spotted them.

As we approached the table, Zane said, “We ordered one pepperoni and one with everything and a couple pitchers—one Pepsi, one Dr. Pepper. Is that okay?”

Brad shrugged. “That’s fine.” There were three empty seats, all in between each of the guys. Brad sat between Nick and Zane, and I sat between Zane and Ethan.

Ethan acted kind of surly, sitting with his back to the wall. Nick looked like he had seen better days. I guessed he had a horrible hangover the likes of which he’d never seen before. The waitress stopped by our table just to check in on us. I asked, “Can I get a glass of water, please?”

“Sure thing.”

Brad poured himself a glass of soda and then said, “Okay, guys. Who wants to tell her?”

Ethan sat up straight. “I will.” He looked at me, and I couldn’t read a thing from his expression. So…we were on speaking terms again? Maybe I looked like a slutty bimbo? Mentally, I chided myself and told myself I needed to pay attention. I wouldn’t look sincere accepting their apology if I was zoning out. He took a deep breath. “All four of us have talked about this seriously, and we want you to sing for the band.” I know I looked like a dumbass at that moment, because I was sure I’d heard incorrectly. He continued. “You probably already know Brad’s lined up a bunch of shows this summer, and we want you to go with us.” Well, as soon as I got excited, my bubble burst. First of all, I was already obligated to watch those two little girls until August and, secondly, my mother and father would never agree. Staying away for days at a time with four boys unchaperoned doing the kinds of things they were doing last night? Nope. They would never, ever agree. I knew it without even asking.

Still…my mind couldn’t help but soar just a little bit.

And then the questions flooded through my mind, and my brain told me all the reasons why I couldn’t. Why I shouldn’t. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t have the talent. I wasn’t pretty enough. I didn’t deserve it. My voice sucked.

Shut up!

I forced the logical and rude part of my brain to quiet itself and just let the excited part take over. I wanted to indulge it just a bit. “So…what would I do? Just sing?”

“Yeah…sing.”

“But then what would you and Brad do?”

Ethan shrugged and acted like that was the silliest question he’d ever heard. “We could sing on occasion and even do a duet or two, but we could focus more on honing our guitar skills. I mean…we’re good, but we wanna be great. And we need a frontman—er, woman—who can really interact with the crowd. That’s harder to do when you have a guitar strapped to you. We need someone to stir them up, make them energetic, and I know you could do that.”

Brad said, “And face it, Val. We can’t hold a candle to your voice. The crowds ate it up both nights. They really like you.”

“Yeah, but what if that’s only because it’s something different?”

“Would you stop that already?” Ethan was tapping his finger on the table. “Give us a good reason why you can’t.”

I let out a breath. “Oh…I can give you more than one.”

Zane asked, “Like what?”

“My job.”

Ethan asked, “You have a job?”

“What? Like that’s so unexpected? Yeah…I babysit two girls Monday through Friday from now through the first week of August.”

“So? Give ‘em your two-week notice.”

“I can’t do that. It was a difficult decision for them as it was.” The waitress brought my water by and set it in front of me. “Besides…that’s the easy problem.”

Ethan was still ready to challenge anything I had to say…and I was surprised by that. “So tell us.”

“I don’t think my parents will let me.”

“F*ck your parents. You’re a grown woman.”

I felt my eyebrows jump up my forehead. That was easy for him to say. He’d been raised by a lenient mother who didn’t seem quite sure how to handle him and had probably never told him no. Brad offered gentler advice. “You could ask.” For the first time that day, I saw hope in his eyes…and an acknowledgement of what had happened between us the night before. Yeah…if my parents were smart, they’d say no without any discussion. Brad and me alone together for five minutes equaled danger for my virginity.

“Okay. So let’s say for some strange reason my parents have been replaced by pod people and say yes. Then what? I already told you I’m not going to ditch my job, and I’m sure you’d need to practice with me, and I doubt all your shows are Saturdays only, and—”

“Whoa, Val,” Brad said and reached across the table to grab my hands, probably so I’d stop flailing them and making him nervous. “Why don’t you ask your parents? If they say yes and you want to do it, then we can figure out the rest. One step at a time.”

I let go of the protest that had been forming in my lungs. Yeah, that made sense. I nodded as the waitress brought the pizzas to the table. Yeah…first things first.