Bullet

chapter Twelve

Past



MY FEELINGS FOR Ethan were more open after we’d confessed to one another. At first, he seemed apprehensive about kissing me, but I wouldn’t let him use that as an excuse. If he got close enough to me, my lips were on his.

I never did see Charlotte again. Not once. I suspected Zane or Ethan had something to do with it, but I was too stupid to ask. I didn’t think about it again until much later. But the first week after, I’d look closely at my surroundings before stepping into an empty hallway. I usually managed to be out in the open when there were lots other people, so I felt a little safer.

By midterms, Zane was calling us “you two,” as in “Are you two ready to go to dinner yet?” And he started dating Jennifer too, but that was over by spring break. Ethan’s mom friended me on Facebook, and she and I talked on Skype once in a while. I really liked her, but she didn’t seem to know how to be a mother to Ethan. But what did I know? I myself had never been a mother before.

Our relationship started getting a little hotter, but he never tried a thing on me. I was okay with that, because I didn’t know if either of us was ready for something more. He seemed to want to keep our relationship in sweet, wholesome territory, and—when I was ready—I was going to call him on it.

One night just after midterms, Ethan and I were in my dorm room doing a little studying, but mostly talking. I was taking a class called Poetry of the Twentieth Century, so I was explaining to him what we were studying in class. Out of the blue, he said, “Didn’t you tell me once that you write poetry?”

I smiled and nodded. Yeah…a long time ago. But I was just happy he remembered.

“So let’s hear it.”

“No way. I’m not reading it to you. But if you want, I can get out some of my notebooks, and you can read some of it.”

He grinned. “Okay. I’m game.”

I got up off my bed and opened a drawer at my desk to pull out several notebooks. I tossed them on the desktop. “Have at it.”

He looked down at the notebooks and then up to me. “All these?”

I grinned. “Yep. I have more at home.”

His eyes grew wide. “Why don’t you pick a few for me to read?”

Oh…I’d overwhelmed him. So I picked the notebooks up and sat back on my bed. I grabbed the green one and started leafing through it. God…this was like ripping my chest open and letting him look inside, but I’d promised. So I found a poem I’d written about him. It wasn’t the best I’d ever written, but it was from my heart. It was called “You Are.” I handed him the notebook turned to that page. I just watched his face as he read it.



How can I say the words I want to say?

My emotions…pitifully mute.

I find it impossible to express myself with words.



You’re special to me.

I don’t have to change for you.

Everything about me is right for

you.

My hair, my mind, my silliness.

And I love you just the way you are.



You’re spring to me…

A warm, gentle breeze

slowly brushing the tree tops,

making silent waves on the placid water.



You are the stars.

You give me hope.

You surround me entirely

and now I can’t let you go.



I don’t understand what you’ve done to me

but please don’t let it end.



Oh, no. This was taking far too long. My poem was short. It shouldn’t take so long to read, but he wasn’t just reading it. I knew he was thinking about it too. Finally, he looked up from the page. “This is really nice.” He flipped the page and, without looking at me, asked, “Who’s it about?”

I let out the air in my lungs I’d been holding there. “You, silly.”

He grinned but still didn’t look up. “You can never be sure…”

Oh, this was making me nervous, but he started reading them. All of them. One at a time, he turned page after page in that notebook. I tried to distract myself by studying, but it didn’t work. I desperately wanted to know what he thought. At one point, he whispered, “Holy shit.”

I couldn’t stand it anymore. “What?”

He read my words to me this time:



“You play the once-wild guitar

with such emotion.

You calm her down, play her slow



And she responds, low key.

Silent strumming, whispering strings.

You sing; the guitar sings with you.

Silently strumming.”



“The f*ck is that, Val?” I wasn’t sure what he was asking, so I just raised my eyebrows. “That’s f*cking genius.” He started tearing through the notebook and paused on a page. This time he only read a few lines from one of the poems:



“You punished me for loving you,

for letting you in,

for letting you see my fire,

and each day I paid

again

over and over.”



“This shit is raw. It’s intense. God…if I could only come that close.”

“What do you mean?”

“Writing lyrics. Val, this stuff might not be like…Emily Dickinson, but Jesus. The emotion. Un-f*cking-believable.”

I smiled and looked down at my lap, feeling bashful. I had hoped he would like my poetry, but I hadn’t expected quite this reaction. “Thanks.”

He turned some more pages. “And seriously…” I looked up. “I wanted to ask you—would you care if I adapt this? You know, change it into song lyrics?”

“What?”

“Part of this poem called ‘Scythe’.” I knew the one, but I wanted to hear the part he wanted to use.



“Frigid hand reaches up; touch my face.

Cold air drifts across my back.

Silently, he draws me into the dark night.

He pulls me nearer.

I stiffly obey.

He is peaceful.



When he’d taken others,

my stomach clenched;

I screamed in pain;

I gouged my eyes.



Now he is peaceful,

a lover beckoning to me.”



He looked up again. “I don’t know if this is about death or mental illness or what, but it’s sick. I could use parts of it.”

“Sure…use whatever you like.”

For the next hour and a half, he pored through my notebooks, gobbling them up. I managed to relax and get some studying done. When he finished, he put them down and said, “Jesus. You’re brilliant. And I can’t believe you’ve written so much.”

I shrugged and sat up. “I like to write.”

He sighed. “You’ve heard my lyrics. They pale in comparison, Val.”

I shook my head. “Don’t beat yourself up.”

“Hear me out.” He leaned over, resting his elbows on his thighs just above his knees. “I can’t write lyrics for shit. My poetry comes out of the guitar. I think that’s why I liked your guitar poem so much. But…I’m not a wordsmith. Not by a long shot. How would you feel…about writing lyrics for me? For Fully Automatic?”

It took me a few seconds to completely grasp what he was saying. “Are you serious?”

“Totally.”

“Um…yeah, I could. Would you want me to just keep writing poems and you change them to fit your music or…?”

“You saw how me and Brad did it in his garage when you came home with me. That’s the best way to do it. Then the words and music mesh together perfectly.”

“So how do we do this?”

“My plan? Once I have music written for a song, I have you listen, and then you can write what comes to you. Can you work that way?”

I gave it some thought. “Maybe. I’d be willing to give it a try.”

And so I did. For the next few weeks, two or three days a week, Ethan would have me over to his dorm room where he’d play his latest song. It was harder for me to imagine it without bass or drums or even the second guitar, but I wrote a couple that way anyway.

After the second song, I sang the lyrics while he played back the music. I didn’t know what, if any, melody he had intended for the lyrics, but the tune felt right. When I finished, he said, “Perfect.” He placed his hands on my cheeks. Zane wasn’t home, was at some party off campus, so we were alone. This was likely the most passionate kiss I’d ever received from Ethan. He nearly consumed me, but I didn’t care. I wanted him, and if it was going to be today…I was okay with that.

His fingers were in my hair, and I decided to be bold. I ran my fingers up under his t-shirt, feeling his abs first, then slowly started moving my hands upward. He let out a deep breath. “Val…you don’t wanna go there.”

I opened my eyes. “Yeah, I do.”

He pressed his forehead onto mine. “No. I don’t deserve you.”

“What?”

He shook his head and pulled back, but he still held my head between his hands. “I don’t deserve you. I haven’t earned your love and trust…not yet.”

I let out a sigh. He didn’t make sense. And I knew if I was feeling amorous, a man who already knew the pleasures of the flesh was bound to be feeling it even more than I. “That’s stupid, Ethan.”

“No, it’s not.” That glinting look he got in his hard green eyes showed up for the first time in a while. “We’re not ready for that step yet.”

I wanted to ask, Then when? But I thought it best to just let it go for the time being. He made sure I dropped it by returning to the music.

Throughout spring, anytime I wanted to talk about this weird pedestal he’d placed me on, he’d avoid the discussion. And he wouldn’t kiss me for long periods of time. I figured he did that to keep us both on the cool side. But I was getting frustrated.

One evening on Skype, June told me I was so good for Ethan. I didn’t know exactly how, but I just smiled and thanked her for thinking so. Sometimes I thought she was right, though, especially when I’d see the bitter look in his eyes fading away to nothing. But I wondered why he was afraid of sharing everything with me. It made no sense.

One evening in early April, Ethan and Zane met me at the cafeteria for dinner. They were both more excited than usual. “What gives?” I asked.

Ethan sported a cocky grin. “My man Brad has been busy.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. He has us booked for a few shows this summer.”

“Really?”

“Yep.”

Zane grinned. “But you haven’t heard the best part yet.” He nudged Ethan. “Go on. Tell her.”

“What?”

“He booked us a gig here at The Cave.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. In two weeks.”

“Terrific!”

It was great news, but then Ethan went on to inform me that it meant, aside from studying, all his and Zane’s free time would be spent practicing. I asked what the other guys on the floor of his dorm would think. “We’ll have to do most of our practicing unplugged or turned down low, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna play a show and sound like shit just ‘cause I wasn’t prepared.”

“Understood.” And I did…mostly. The next weekend, he and Zane drove home to practice, and I was lucky the week after to even see them for meals. That Wednesday night, though, Zane came with me to dinner and Jennifer skipped, so it was just the two of us.

Zane and I sat down and started eating. He said, “You know Ethan’s a complete p-ssy, right?”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“That’s kind of a mean thing to say, Zane. Why would you say that?”

“Truth hurts.”

“How do you figure he’s a p-ssy?”

He sneered. “Have you noticed how he’s not spending any time with you?”

“Yeah…and he said it’s ‘cause he has to practice, practice, practice for the show this weekend.”

“And that’s complete and total bullshit.”

I was confused. “How so? You are playing, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we’re playing. And that part’s sweet, even though five songs we played together for the first time last weekend.”

“But that’s good. And I bet you all did great together.”

“Yeah, Val, but you’re missing the point about what a shit Ethan is.”

I let out a breath. “Okay, I give. How is Ethan a shit?”

“I wish you’d ask him.”

“I’m asking you. You brought it up.”

He rolled his eyes and finished chewing the bite of salad in his mouth. He didn’t say anything for several minutes. I just sat there, fork in hand, not moving, waiting for him to talk. “Have you noticed that Ethan’s cooled a little bit?”

Yes, I’d noticed, but as I’d said, I thought he was focusing on their big night. I shrugged. “Yeah. So?”

He sucked in a breath. “Know what? I can’t do this. I can’t be Ethan’s little messenger. You’re gonna have to talk to him yourself.”

Anger started bubbling up inside me. “What? Now you’re telling me Ethan put you up to this?”

He shook his head and looked out at the sea of students pouring into the dining room from the serving area. “Just talk to him, Val. Talk to him, okay?”

“I thought you were my friend,” I said and picked up my tray. Yeah, I was shitting on the messenger, but I was upset. I scraped off my plate and left the tray on the belt that pulled all the dirty dishes into the kitchen and left the dining room without looking back. Then I went to their dorm room.

When I got there, it was quiet inside. I’d expected to hear Ethan banging out some guitar riffs. But then I did hear something, and the door opened right after. And there was Ethan, along with a raven-haired girl wearing a hot pink tank top. I swallowed hard. No words would come out. Me…he’d called me his wordsmith, and yet I couldn’t find a single word to say.

It could have been innocent. Could have. But the girl wasn’t wearing any shoes, and her hair was mussed up. Ethan’s shoes were off too. And I felt the tears start to well up in my eyes, so I just backed away while I could still save face. I heard him say, “Val…”

But he didn’t come to get me, and before I got to the end of the hall, I heard the door close.

So that was it, huh? Now I knew where I stood. I was up on some pedestal. He couldn’t soil me, but he could sure as hell cheat on me? That didn’t make much sense. And when I got back to my room, Zane was standing in front of the door waiting for me. Without a word, he just wrapped me in his arms and let me cry until there were no more tears to fall.

* * *

Although I’d spent the next two days just focusing on homework and ignoring Ethan’s texts, I still planned to attend the Fully Automatic show that Saturday night. After all, some of the lyrics were mine, and I’d never seen them performed before. Besides, Zane and I had become close friends, and I hadn’t seen Nick and Brad since early December the following year. As far as I was concerned, Ethan could f*ck off, but I wasn’t going to miss the show.

Friday night, Zane joined Jennifer and me for dinner. I said, “You sure Ethan’s not going to show up?”

“Yeah.”

When we sat down, Zane asked, “You’re coming tomorrow night, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I plan to.”

“What about you, Jennifer?”

“What?”

“I told you about that—the Fully Automatic concert at The Cave.”

“You’re playing, Zane?” He nodded. Yeah…maybe there was still a spark between the two. That made me happy, because Jennifer was a sweet girl and Zane was a nice guy, and both deserved each other. “Then…maybe.” She looked at me. “I could drive us there.”

“Sounds great.” Until she’d said that, since it was April and spring was fully in gear, I’d planned on walking. With a friend driving, though, it would be a lot easier.

The show started at seven, and Fully Automatic wasn’t the first band. There were three bands playing that night, and I didn’t know which one would play first. I let Jennifer borrow some of my clothes, and I put on a black tank top, spiked wristbands, black leather pants, and black heeled boots. I was probably overdoing it, but I didn’t care. I hoped Ethan would see me in the crowd and regret what he’d done to me. I put on bright pink lipstick and dark eye makeup and off we went.

The place was just as dark as I’d remembered. Jennifer pointed out one of the tables a little back from the stage. “Do you care if we sit there?”

“You don’t want to get close to the stage?”

“Isn’t it dangerous there by the moshpit?”

I laughed. “Well, it can be. How about we sit here for now and move up front when the guys play?”

She agreed. So we sat at the table, sipping at the bottled waters we’d purchased, waiting for the show to begin. They were blasting plenty of metal, but the actual bands weren’t yet playing.

I saw someone sit next to me, so I turned my head. It was Brad, and sweet Jesus, he looked better than ever. He was still gorgeous, but his hair had grown some, and he had let a few days’ stubble accumulate on his face. I smiled. “Hi, beautiful,” he said as I looked over.

I wanted to jump him and get all excited, because I’d really missed him, but I wanted to keep my cool. He’d delivered his line as suave as could be, so I didn’t want to just spaz out. “Well, hello back, gorgeous.” I propped my head on my hands, resting my elbows on the table.

Holy shit. There was still some weird magnetism vibrating between us, as though no time had passed since I’d last seen him. I realized at that moment that I felt more sexual attraction for Brad than I’d ever felt for any other guy on the planet, including Ethan. What I thought I’d felt for Ethan was more permanent, more loving, while what I felt for Brad was primal, animalistic, and irrational.

“Um…this is my roommate, Jennifer Manders.”

Ever charming, Brad offered his hand. “Jennifer.” But when she put out her hand to shake his, he instead brought her hand to his lips and kissed it.

“How debonair,” I teased.

He lowered his voice. “You…I’ll kiss elsewhere.” I lost my ability to breathe. But then he spoke louder again and said, “So…you here to watch us play, or is this just a coincidence?”

I didn’t plan to quit flirting now. “I came to watch you.”

He smiled, and I could tell he was trying to gauge how much of what I’d said was true and how much was just teasing. “You’re here just for me?”

“Yep. Just for you.” I smiled back and then he winked at me, as though telling me he didn’t care if I was full of shit or not; he just appreciated the effort.

“Gotta go. I’m hanging at another band’s merch table to see how it’s done.” He kissed me on the cheek and then stood. “See you after the show?”

“Maybe.”

He raised his eyebrows and pointed at me. “You better be here.” And off he went.

Jennifer said, “Oh, my God. Who was that?”

“Brad Payne. He’s in Ethan and Zane’s band. He sings part of the time, plays guitar.”

“Holy cow. He’s hot. And he really likes you.”

Yeah, well…I’d thought Ethan liked me too. I wasn’t about to get my hopes up again.