Back to You

January 2012
It felt oddly comfortable to be back on the mats again.
Lauren looked around the gymnasium as she sat on the floor, stretching her legs. She hadn’t been inside a gymnastics studio in years, and yet she felt immediately at home. The smell of the mats, the sound of the vault springs clanging roughly, the repetitive patter and thuds of hands and feet hitting the mats as someone made a run.
She couldn’t believe she’d lived here all this time and didn’t know about this place. Then again, she’d never looked for one. When she’d first moved to Bellefonte and started teaching, there was hardly free time for anything, much less an old hobby.
Lauren stood and began stretching her quads, glancing at the door before she looked to the clock on the far wall. Five minutes to six. They should be here any minute now.
She smiled, realizing then just how excited she was about the evening.
Michael had called her earlier in the week, starting the conversation with, “I have a favor to ask you,” and immediately following it up with, “You can totally say no.”
He explained to her that Erin’s birthday was that weekend, and when he’d asked her what she wanted to do, she’d said, “I want Miss Lauren to teach me flips.” Lauren had told the class a few stories from her time as a gymnast, and apparently Erin was enthralled.
Michael assured Lauren that he’d made Erin no promises, so if she said no, it would be no big deal—she wouldn’t be letting anyone down. He would just find something else for them to do, and she’d be okay with it.
And in the middle of his rant, pardoning her for something she hadn’t yet declined, she laughed.
“Of course I will, Michael,” she’d interrupted, putting him out of his misery. “I’d love to, actually.”
And she meant it. She had grown so fond of Erin over the past few months; plus, teaching her gymnastics would be combining two of Lauren’s favorite things { display: block; text-indent: 5%; font-size: 0.88rem; margin-top: 0si
Apparently, in the hopes of her saying yes, Michael had already done his homework. As soon as she agreed, he told her about this place, a mere fifteen minutes from where Lauren lived, and said they held “open gym” on Sunday nights from six to eight: for a small fee, gymnasts could come and use the facility to practice routines or fine-tune their skills.
So they’d agreed to meet at six, and when Michael cupped the phone and told Erin that Miss Lauren was going to teach her, she could hear the enthusiastic squeal through Michael’s hand.
A few minutes later, as Lauren was using the wall to get a good stretch on her ankles, she heard the door open, and that same excited peal echoed through the gym.
“Is she here yet, Daddy?”
“I’m not sure. Let me just talk to this man for a minute and then we’ll go look for her, okay?”
Lauren turned to see Michael approach the man at the front desk while Erin hopped from foot to foot, taking a few seconds to balance on each one. She glanced up, catching sight of Lauren, and grinned as she broke into a dead run.
Michael turned abruptly, reaching out for her, but he immediately relaxed when he saw where she was running. Lauren dropped to her knees and caught Erin in a hug, smiling over her tiny shoulder at Michael. He held up his finger and mouthed “one minute” to her, and she nodded, releasing Erin and leaning back to see her face.
“Happy birthday!”
Erin smiled broadly and danced in a circle, waving her hands over her head.
“Can we flip now?” she sang.
“Almost,” Lauren said. “First, let’s take off your jacket and shoes.”
Erin stopped her dance long enough to let Lauren help her remove her coat and sneakers as Michael approached them.
“Hey,” he said, reaching down to take Erin’s things out of Lauren’s hands. “Thanks again for doing this.”
“It’s no problem,” she said, looking down at Erin. “We’re gonna have fun, right?”
“Right!”
Michael smiled at his daughter’s enthusiasm. “I’m just gonna go put her stuff in one of the lockers.”
“Yep. We’ll be over on the mats,” said Lauren, reaching out for Erin’s hand.
While Michael put away her things, Lauren stretched Erin out a bit. She knew they wouldn’t be doing anything too intense tonight, but still, she wanted to show her the proper way to approach the sport.
Erin was an obedient student, just as she was at Learn and Grow, listening in earnest, picking up the stretching techniques Lauren showed her immediately.
By the time Michael made it back to them, they were about to start, and he took a seat up against the wall a few feet away.
“Okay, so we’re going to start with a cartwheel. I’m going to show you what it looks like, and then I’ll teach you how to do it, okay?”
Erin nodded, taking a step back, and Lauren took a few steps away from her before she lifted her arms gracefully. In one quick, fluid movement, she executed a perfect cartwheel, legs extended, toes pointed, coming up on the other side and finishing with her hands raised above her head, the same way she started.
“Ooooh,” Erin cooed, wide-eyed. “You’re good at that.”
“It looks fancy, but it’s easy. You ready to try?”
Erin nodded, and Lauren knelt down in front of her. “Okay, so what I want you to do is lunge forward a little bit. Bend this knee and put your weight on it, and leave this leg straight behind you.”
Lauren placed her hands on Erin’s waist, adjusting her weight distribution, and she smiled, casting a sly glance at Michael. “You know,” she said just loud enough for him to hear, “I tried to teach your daddy how to do this once.”
Michael looked over at her and smirked, shaking his head slowly.
“You did?” Erin asked, looking over at her father.
“Mm-hm.” Lauren cupped her hand in front of her mouth, feigning a whisper. “But he wasn’t very good.”
Michael looked down, and she could see his shoulders bounce with laughter.
Erin raised her eyebrows in surprise before she turned to Michael sympathetically. “Don’t worry, Daddy. I’ll teach you after I learn how.”
“Thank you, baby girl,” he called before he stuck his tongue out at Lauren, and she chuckled at his juvenile behavior before turning her attention back to Erin.
“Okay, now I want you to put your arms over your head, the way I did before. Good. Now you’re going to lean over and put your hands side by side on this line, right here, and when they touch the floor, I want your straight leg to come up behind you. Let’s just practice that a few times so you get the feel of it. I’m gonna hold on to you, okay?”
“‘Kay.” Erin nodded, determination taking over her little features.
They practiced the motion a few times until Erin was able to do it smoothly. At one point Lauren glanced at Michael, and when he winked at her, she felt heat instantly blooming on her cheeks. She heard him laugh shortly after that, but she had no way of knowing if it was in response to her silly, girlish reaction to such an innocent gesture.
“Can I try going over?” Erin asked, pulling Lauren’s attention back.
She cleared her throat. “Um, sure. If you’re ready. I’ll keep my hands on your waist to help you balance. Once your straight leg goes up like we practiced, you’re going to push off with your bent leg to send yourself over. Try to keep your toes pointed and your legs straight.”
Erin got in position, and Lauren knelt parallel to her, keeping her hands on Erin’s waist to give her a little extra support. The first few were shaky, her legs falling forward or back or bending awkwardly. But the more they did it, the sturdier she became, until finally Lauren was barely touching her waist at all.
“You want to try one on your own?” Lauren asked, and Erin looked up, somewhat hesitant. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m right here. I won’t let you fall. Promise.”
With a tiny breath to steel her resolve, Erin nodded and turned, raising her arms above her head. Lauren stood by, ready to grab her at the slightest signal, but she didn’t need to. Erin went over smoothly, landing on the other side with her arms extended like a pro. She whipped her head toward Lauren, grinning from ear to ear before she turned and ran toward her father.
“I did it! Daddy, I did it! Did you see me? Did you see me?”
“I saw!” he said, scooping her up. “You were awesome!”
Lauren watched them with a smile until suddenly, without warning, s { display: block; text-indent: 5%; font-size: 0.88rem; margin-top: ing to ryhe was struck with a thought that caused a sharp pang in her chest.
Michael had been just one year older than Erin was right now when his father left. When his mother pretty much checked out on him.
So young.
She looked at Erin, her adoration for her father beaming from her eyes as she looked up at him. She was so vulnerable. So needy. And then she thought of Michael at that age, just as vulnerable, twice as needy, and completely forsaken.
And suddenly, she felt like crying.
Lauren wanted to cross the mats and hug him. Just wrap her arms around him and rock him side to side, even though it was years too late to give that little boy the comfort he deserved.
“Show me a fancy flip!” Erin called as she ran back toward Lauren, and with a quick intake of breath, she shook off the ache in her heart.
“A fancy flip?” she asked uneasily. “I haven’t done those in a long time.”
“You can still do it I bet,” Michael said as he followed Erin onto the mat. “Muscle memory.”
Lauren scrunched her nose at him, and he laughed. “Try something easy. I bet you anything you can still do it.”




She looked down at Erin, who was staring up at her expectantly, and she took a deep breath. “Okay. Something easy.”
Erin clapped her hands before taking a step back, pulling her father with her to give Lauren some room.
Lauren rolled her neck and took another deep breath before she brought her weight forward on her toes. With a little hop, she was off running, bringing her hands to the mat as her legs flipped up behind her, coming together in a perfect line above her head before she whipped them around together toward the mat. As she landed, she rebounded several inches off the floor before extending her hands.
She definitely had enough power to go over again.
“Wow!” Erin breathed. “What’s that called?”
“That’s called a round-off,” she said as she walked back toward them. “I think I’m gonna try one that’s a little fancier.”
Erin leaned into her father, her eyes pinned on Lauren in awe as she set herself up once more. She tightened her body, put her weight on her toes, and then she was off running again. This time, as her legs whipped around on the round-off, she threw her arms back over her head, executing a perfect back-handspring.
And because it felt so good, she immediately followed it with another before she hit her landing, arching her back slightly as she extended her arms overhead.
Erin’s gasp echoed off the walls of the gym. Her face was priceless, some combination of shock and complete worship as she watched Lauren walk back to them.
Michael was grinning at her. “See? What did I tell you? Muscle memory. That never fails to amaze me, by the way. Watching you do that.”
“What’s muscle memory?” Erin asked before Lauren could react to his comment.
He pursed his lips, thinking of a way to explain it. “Well, sometimes if something is really important to you, it gets stuck in your body,” he said, poking her ribs and making her laugh. “So even if your mind thinks that it’s gone, it’s still in there, kind of hiding inside of you, just waiting for you to remember. It never goes away.”
Lauren stared at him.
She knew he was talking about her flip, but his words a"> shoulderhit much deeper than that.
He was smiling down at Erin, but when he looked up and saw her expression, his smile fell, his face turning serious.
For a second, they just stared at each other, and Lauren found that she was struggling to keep her breathing even.
“What else can we do?” Erin asked excitedly, gripping Lauren’s hand, and she pulled her gaze from his, looking down at Erin.
“Um,” she said, blinking quickly.
She could still feel his eyes on her.
Lauren swallowed hard and lifted her eyes, scanning the gym for a second, and then she saw it.
The corner of her mouth lifted in a smile. “I have an idea. Come with me,” she said, pulling Erin toward the back corner of the gym.
They walked across the mats and up the padded incline that dropped off suddenly into an enormous pit of colorful foam blocks. Lauren remembered this being one of her favorite exercises when she just started out.
Michael walked up the incline behind them, and she glanced over at him. He smiled at her, but his eyes were uneasy. Cautious, even.
And there he was; she could see him clearly in the expression on Michael’s face. The abandoned little boy.
This time she couldn’t help it.
She walked the few steps over to him, wrapping both arms around his waist as she rested her head on his shoulder.
Instantly she felt the tension drain from his body as he exhaled, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.
“Are those blocks?” Erin asked. “Is this a pool? Why are there blocks in the pool? Are we gonna swim in here? Daddy! Let Miss Lauren go so she can swim with me!”
Michael laughed softly, planting a kiss on the top of Lauren’s head before he released her. “I was given strict orders not to steal you away from her tonight,” he said. “I’m breaking the rules right now.”
Lauren laughed. “I think we have to let the birthday girl call the shots tonight,” she said before she unwrapped her arms from around his waist.
She looked up at him and he smiled, tucking a lock of hair that had fallen free from her ponytail behind her ear at the same time that two tiny hands clasped hers.
“Let’s swim, Miss Lauren!” Erin said, tugging her away from Michael.
He took a step back, holding his hands up in surrender, and Lauren couldn’t help but laugh before she turned toward Erin. “It’s not a pool, sweetheart. It’s something called a foam pit. You want to do something cool?”
Erin smiled broadly as she nodded, and Lauren walked her to the edge of the incline. “Okay, turn around and face Daddy. Put your back to the pit.”
As Erin did what she was told, Lauren knelt beside her, putting one hand on her lower back and the other behind her knees. “Okay, on the count of three, I want you to jump as high as you can. Ready?”
“Ready!”
“Here we go. One…two…three!”
As Erin jumped, Lauren supported her lower back as her other hand flipped Erin’s legs up over her head, sending her off the platform in a backflip. She sailed into the foam pit, bouncing into the multicolored cushions.
Erin squealed with hysterical laughter. “Again!” she called from the pit. “Do it to me again, Miss Lauren!” { display: block; text-indent: 5%; font-size: 0.88rem; margin-top: ing to ry
Lauren laughed. “Okay, get over to that ladder and climb out. Come back around.”
Michael approached the edge of the incline, looking into the pit beside Lauren. They watched Erin struggle through the large foam blocks, stumbling and giggling.
“So what do you think? You want to try taking lessons again?” Lauren asked as she bumped him with her shoulder.
“Nah. You can’t improve upon perfection,” he said, brushing his fingers over the top of his shoulder.
Lauren pursed her lips to hide her smile. “Come on. Give it a shot. At least this time you’ll land in the foam instead of on your ass.”
Before she could even process what had happened, Michael whirled and scooped her up bridal style, causing her to gasp.
He spun once and tossed her over the side and into the foam pit, and she flailed sloppily, her squealing laughter rivaling Erin’s as she bounced into the foam.
She looked up to see Michael standing at the edge of the incline, looking down at her. “Well, that wasn’t very graceful. And you call yourself a gymnast?”
She picked up one of the foam blocks and threw it at him, but he sidestepped it easily. Then he took a step back and did one of the worst cartwheels Lauren had ever seen off the edge of the incline, his legs splayed apart and bent like broken hangers.
When he plopped into the cushions next to her, she was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe.
“See?” he said, somewhat winded. “Perfection.”
“Hey!” a little voice called.
They both whipped their heads up to see Erin standing at the edge of the incline above them, hands on her hips, her expression stern.
“Sorry! We’re coming!” Lauren called up before she turned to Michael. “Stop distracting me. You’re getting me in trouble,” she scolded, and she could hear his laughter behind her as she made her way toward the ladder.
They spent the next hour playing in the foam pit and practicing cartwheels. When it was time to leave, Michael knelt in front of Erin, helping her on with her coat.
“So what do you think? Do you want to do this? You can take classes here.”
“Yes, please. Can Miss Lauren be my teacher?”
“Well, you’ll have a different teacher,” Lauren said. “But I’ll come here and practice with you some days if you want.”
“Okay!” Erin exclaimed, stepping into her shoes.
As they exited the lobby, Michael grabbed a pamphlet with class information and folded it into his jacket.
Once outside, he turned toward Lauren, stuffing both hands in his pockets. “So…”
“Can we get hotdogs, Daddy?” Erin asked, pointing to a vendor on the corner. “I’m hungry.”
Michael glanced at his watch before looking at Lauren. “We didn’t eat dinner yet. I didn’t think filling her up with food and then bringing her here to turn upside down was the best order of operations.”
Lauren laughed. “Probably a good call.”
“You want to grab a bite with us?”
“Sure.”
Michael smiled as he reached down to take Erin’s hand. “Okay, birthday hotdogs it is.”
They walk { display: block; text-indent: 0%; font-size: 0.88rem; margin-top: a"> shouldered down the street toward the vendor, and Lauren zipped her jacket all the way up to her chin, crossing her arms in front of herself against the cold.
By the time they ordered their hotdogs, Lauren’s teeth were chattering. She could barely uncross her arms long enough to reach for the hotdog Michael handed her.
She looked down at Erin, standing next to her father, taking small, unhurried bites of her hotdog, and then back up to Michael, whose casual posture mirrored his daughter’s. His jacket wasn’t even zippered.
“My God, aren’t you freezing?” Lauren said through her tight jaw, curling her hands around the warmth of the bun.
Michael smiled. “I work outside, remember? I’m kind of immune to it.”
“Right,” Lauren said, a shudder ripping through her shoulders as she took a bite of her hotdog.
She heard Michael laugh, and then suddenly he was behind her, wrapping his arms around the front of her body.
For the slightest second, Lauren felt herself hesitate. But his body was shielding her from the cold wind, his chest broad and comfortable behind her, and when he began rubbing his hands up and down her arms, she lost the battle.
She dropped her head back onto his shoulder, pressing herself farther back against his chest.
Damn muscle memory.
“Better?” he asked softly, and she nodded.
“Much.”
He wrapped one arm tightly around her waist, holding her against him while he ate his hotdog with the other, and Lauren allowed herself to be enveloped by him as Erin skipped around them, singing to herself while she finished her dinner.
Eventually, Michael released her to throw his napkin in the trash can, and she immediately mourned the loss of his warmth behind her.
“Okay baby,” he said, glancing down at his watch again. “We have to get home and get you in the tub. Say thank you to Lauren.”
“Hold on,” Lauren said. “I have her present in the car.”
“I get a present?” Erin asked excitedly. “I thought my present was the flips!”
“Well, there’s a little something else.”
“Daddy, can I go get my present? Please?”
Michael was looking at Lauren. “You know you didn’t have to do that.”
“I know. I wanted to. Is it okay?” She realized too late that maybe she should have run it by Michael first.
He smiled as Erin grabbed his hand and started towing him toward Lauren. “Yes, it’s okay. Where are you parked?”
“Right at the end of the street,” she said, starting to walk in the direction she indicated, and she felt Erin take one of her hands. She looked down at Erin, walking in between her and Michael with one of their hands clasped in each of hers, and then she looked up at Michael.
He was smiling down at his daughter with the same level of adoration that Erin had looked at him with earlier, and Lauren swallowed hard against the lump in her throat.
When they reached her car, Lauren started it and blasted the heat before pulling Erin’s present out of the backseat and shutting the door.
She walked around the front of the car to where Erin was standing on the sidewalk and handed her the pink bag with purple and silver ribbon curling from the handle.
“I believe y@. ck you toou said you needed one of these. Every princess should have one,” she added with a wink.
Erin reached in and pulled out the crown, a silver, sparkling tiara complete with purple and pink jewels.
She gasped and looked up at Lauren before she threw her little body forward, wrapping her arms around Lauren’s neck with a strength Lauren didn’t think a four-year-old was capable of.
Lauren smiled, hugging her back, and as soon as she released her, Erin put the crown on her head. “Daddy, can I wear this in the bath?”
Michael laughed. “We’ll see.” He turned to Lauren. “Thank you for that. For everything. Really.”
“You’re welcome,” Lauren said as she stood. When he held his arms out to her, she didn’t hesitate stepping into them this time. Her arms came up around his neck, and he slid his around her waist, holding her securely against his body.
Michael’s hand came to her head, stroking down the back of her hair, and she closed her eyes and inhaled slowly. His familiar scent filled her nose, and without thinking, she turned her head slightly, nuzzling into the side of his neck.
She felt his breath catch before he tightened his hold on her, turning his face into her hair.
Butterflies exploded in her stomach, and the surface of her skin began tingling.
She could feel the heat of his breath shivering along the side of her neck with every exhale, and she slid her arms down from around his shoulders, knowing she needed to end the contact. But even as her mind sent the warning, she fisted her hands in the front of his jacket, refusing to let him go.
He turned his head a little further, and Lauren felt the fullness of his lips brush against the shell of her ear. Her heart felt like it was going to crash through her chest, and she tightened her fists in his jacket as she warred with herself over what she wanted to do and what she needed to do.
She turned her face away from his neck, taking a deep breath of cold, unscented air, and it was just enough to clear her head.
Lauren released his jacket and took a step back, breaking his hold on her. “Good night, Michael,” she said.
And before he could even respond, she was walking around the back of her car. “Good night, Erin,” she called.
“Good night, Miss Lauren. I love my crown,” she said, holding it on her head with both hands while she spun in a circle, and Lauren smiled as she slid in the car and shut the door.
She drove off without looking back.
She could not allow herself to look back.
Her heart was still racing, and the faint tingling continued to dance over her skin.
Tonight had been about Erin. Tonight, she wanted to make Erin happy. All her focus had gone into that, and not so much into watching her interactions with Michael. Too many times tonight, the line had gotten blurred.
But the scariest thing was, she hadn’t cared enough to pull back.
She needed to submerge herself in something that would occupy her mind, something that would prevent her from thinking too closely about what had just happened.
She had a case study coming up in one of her classes. It wasn’t due for several weeks, but as she drove home, she began planning how to start it. Lauren knew from experience that the tedious research would be just what she needed to lose herself for a little while.
As soon as she walked through the door, she powered up her lapt@es"> shoulderop and made herself a cup of tea. Then she sat on her bed with her laptop beside her and a textbook sprawled over her thighs, burying herself in her work.
About an hour into her research, the soft chime of a bell sounded from the computer, notifying her she had a new e-mail message.
She pulled her eyes from the textbook and leaned over, clicking on her mail icon, and her heart leapt into her throat when she saw it was from Michael.
Lauren knew opening the message would be unwise, not to mention counterproductive, but she clicked on it anyway.
Lauren,
Thank you again for tonight. And just so you know, Erin did wear the crown in the tub. In fact, as I type this, it’s lying on the pillow next to her head as she’s sleeping. Figured you’d get a kick out of that. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for her. And for me. You’re still the same in the best ways, but you’re different in the best ways too, if that makes sense. Anyway, I attached a song to this message. It makes me think of you. Actually, it makes me think of us.
Lauren stopped reading and glanced at the attachment. She could only see that it was by Coldplay before she quickly closed out of the message.
And then she fell back onto her bed and covered her face with both hands.
She couldn’t finish reading that e-mail. And she definitely couldn’t listen to whatever song he’d sent. She was on the verge of doing something stupid. Something she absolutely could not allow herself to do.
She could feel the inclination building. Like a caged animal clawing at her insides, fighting to get out.
Lauren took a deep breath and did the only thing she knew could prevent that from happening; she allowed her mind to go back to the place she’d been avoiding since she was eighteen.