A Life More Complete

---Chapter 12---

I call Melinda as soon as I close my door. She picks up on the first ring and lays into me immediately.

“Ok, spill,” she says.

I mill around my house picking up shoes and socks, tossing a load of laundry in while I deliver the whole story. I start from the beginning, our beginning. I tell her how we met in high school and then went to college together. I tell her about the cheating and how I slept with his best friend. She gets the whole story and everything in between, even the stupid boring details. She interjects for clarification and laughs with me and at some points I think she feels my pain. Everyone’s been there. The break ups and the makeups and the really terrible times when things were so bad.

“He’s totally hot,” she says.

“I know. Disgusting, isn’t it? I still can’t believe this is happening. He’s married.”

“Holy shit! No way? You managed to leave that out of the story. Are you sleeping with a married man?” Only Melinda would ask that question. To her that’s the ultimate scandal and since we’ve seen that scenario play out on many occasions with our clients, I’d have to agree with her. You’re forever labeled, a slut, a home wrecker, a whore, everyone knows what they say about “that girl”, the one who leads a husband astray.

“Um, Mel, I’m not sleeping with him at all and anyway, he’s getting a divorce.”

“So you’ve thought about it, then? Otherwise you wouldn’t care if he were married. Either way, you should totally sleep with him. He’s probably way better in bed than he was when you were young. Plus he’s totally hot. Did I mention that already?”

“I’m not going to sleep with him.” Even as the words leave my mouth I don’t believe them. I can’t stop thinking about him and I’m pretty sure even though I’d put up a fight, I’ll give in eventually.

“Whatever. Tell yourself whatever you need to. What’s his wife like anyway?”

“Her name is Charlotte...” Melinda interrupts me before I can finish.

“Like Tracksuit Charlotte?” she asks. This is why I love Melinda.

“That’s exactly what I thought!”

“Yucky,” Melinda says in response.

“I know. I don’t know much about her, except that she’s a lawyer too and it sounds like it ended badly.”

“Perfect. Move in. He’s on the rebound. So are you. Couldn’t be more fitting.”

“No,” I say just as I hear a knock on my door. “Hold on Mel, someone’s knocking.”

“Oh my God, it’s him!” she screams into the phone.

“No, it’s not.” But as I open the door, she is proved correct. “Mel, gotta go. Call you later.”

“You bitch! You better be in bed...” I hear her yell as I hang up.

I can feel everything in my body tingle. I hate how weak I feel around him. He stands in my doorway smiling and he looks so good. “Can I come in?” he asks.

“You just left,” I say, confused. I step aside and he enters, standing in the hallway that leads to my kitchen.

“I forgot to tell you something,” he says as he makes his way into the kitchen. He pulls a chair out and sits down.

“Okay. You want a beer?” This is more for me than it is for him. I feel like a drink might make this go a little easier. I have an uneasy feeling and judging by the look on his face he is unsure of what he is about to tell me.

“Sure.” I pull two beers from the fridge and hand one to him. I sit down in the chair across from him as he takes a long drink and I follow suit. “I wasn’t totally honest with you on why my marriage ended and I feel like I should be. I’ve lied to you so many times in the past and I know now what I did to you was wrong on so many levels.” He takes a deep breath before he begins to speak. “I’ll start with an apology. I’m sorry for all the times I hurt you in the past. I was a terrible person and when I finally lost you it was so hard on me. Harder than I ever thought it would be. I ended up with Charlotte because I was trying to get over you. I married her because I was trying to replace you. My marriage ended long before it even began. I loved you more than I ever loved Charlotte and she knew it. You can only lie to yourself for so long.” He takes another long swallow of his beer and sighs. “I’ve been driving around for the last twenty minutes trying to figure out what to say to you, but it really came out much less graceful than I imagined in my head.” He smiles at me shyly as I sit there stunned. “Say something, anything. Tell me you hate me, whatever. I just need you to say something.” His voice is uneasy and it quivers just a little.

“I don’t hate you.” I finally say and he sighs with relief. “I could never hate you. It’s just hard. I don’t know what to say. We have history, that should mean something, but we also have a lot of hurt and even more baggage than any one person should have. We were a mess then and we’re still a mess now.”

“Do you love me?” he asks, a bold statement even for Tyler.

“I can’t answer that.”

“Can’t or won’t. They’re two different things. Can’t meaning you really just don’t know or won’t meaning you have feelings you won’t admit to.”

“Both.” I say as I pull my ponytail out and readjust it to sit on top of my head in a messy bun. “Why did you leave like that?” I blurt out. “Why’d you walk out on me?” I can feel the tears pool in my eyes and I fight them back.

“You cheated on me with my best friend.” When his words hit me, it feels like I’ve been slapped across the face. The choice I made all those years ago is still so vivid in my mind. It was a decision that was based on desperation and revenge and spite, but when my thoughts cleared the guilt ate me alive. In this moment I become defensive, angry, I feel a thickness forming in my throat. I need to defend myself.

“You cheated on me with everyone,” I counter and I can see the anger building within him. We’ve never talked about that night. Clearly today is probably not the best time to rehash the past. The hurt is still very much alive. I’ve always been a sweep-it-under-the-rug kind of person. I like to ignore my personal problems because that way they’ll maybe go away on their own.

“So that’s what it was? An eye for an eye? I trusted you!” he screams. “You were the one person who wasn’t suppose to hurt me. I couldn’t even f*cking look at you.”

“You trusted me? Are you f*cking kidding me? What about you? I trusted you and look where it got me,” I scream back as I push away from the table. He walks over and stands in front of me. Tyler’s jaw is clenched and his hands ball into fists as our eyes meet for a split second. I can feel the resentment growing as we stand only inches apart. Never in my life have I feared Tyler, but tonight I do. The anger on both our parts is so raw, so palpable.

“You cheated on me with my best friend. It can’t get much worse than that,” he says.

“You’re seriously going to argue logistics and compare what I did to you with what you did to me? You gave me chlamydia, Tyler! You gave me an STD because you slept with so many f*cking women and I was dumb enough to have sex with you after it all. Shame on me for being such a f*cking fool!” I’m fuming, both of us are breathing heavily. I realize I’m the one who opened this can of worms. It was good until I brought it up. It wasn’t supposed to turn into an argument, yet here we are screaming at each other in my kitchen. We could’ve carried on without ever mentioning the past. I take a deep breath as I walk to my front door.

“You need to go. There’s a reason we’ve spent the last seven years apart. My life is good and you’re not going to come in here and ruin it like you did all those other times. I won’t let you bring me down. I’m a different person and it’s obvious that you haven’t changed at all. It’s time for you to leave,” I say as I stand at the front door. Tyler stays firmly rooted where he stands. “Seriously Tyler, get out.”

“I’m not leaving. I didn’t come here to argue with you,” he says as I interrupt.

“What do you want?” I yell raising my eyebrows and throwing my hands up. I try to gain control of my wild emotions as I begin to chew on my lip. I place my hand on the doorknob and that exact moment Tyler stalks over, his hand clamping firmly around my wrist. My teeth bite down hard onto my bottom lip and my eyes close. His touch sends my mind into a tailspin. I stop breathing and all I can hear is the sound of my heartbeat pulsing through my ears.

In seconds my arms are above my head, my back forced up against the door. Tyler’s hand is locked tightly around my wrists as he pins me with the weight of his body. His lips claim mine and a deep thrust of air leaves my mouth. He uses this moment to run his tongue along the teeth marks on my lip making me lightheaded. His tongue slips into my mouth, taking over and I return the kiss. He pulls my body against his and I begin to relax. My body melts around him, as I press against his leg in a way that can only be described as desperate. He trails a series of soft kisses along my jaw and when he reaches my ear he whispers, “I want you.”

“I’m not yours anymore.” My voice is weak and I’m not surprised by the conflict I hear in it.

“But you want to be,” he replies smiling wickedly. I breathe in and out in rapid succession, three quick breaths. All control is gone.

I shake my head, trying to clear it as he takes ahold of my wrist. Leaning in closely his lips brush my cheek and a burn takes over, pooling in my stomach. I swallow hard when his hushed voice spreads into my ear, “Good night, Krissy.” He rubs against me as he walks out the door.

My mouth falls open and I can barely speak. My thoughts are scrambled and I struggle to find the words I need to say. The words I so desperately need to leave my mouth, the ones that will make him stay. I don’t want him to walk away, not like this.

My legs finally move, yet my voice stays silent. Tyler is halfway down the stairs of my house when I call to him. “Wait.” Yet after that I have nothing. When he looks at me his eyes make my knees weak and he runs his hand through his hair, each blonde curl slides effortlessly through his fingers and my body betrays me once again. How does he do this to me?

“Why?” he questions with a smug grin on his face.

I take a deep breath, but my response still comes out uncontrolled and far more needy than I intend. “I want you to stay.”

“You want me to stay or you need me to stay?” He begins to walk back toward me taking the steps two at a time. Within seconds we’re face to face and my heart begins to beat erratically, sweaty palms take over and I wipe my hands on my thighs.

“Tyler, don’t,” I say trying to sound confident, but I fail. He moves closer and his lips are practically touching mine. I can feel his warm breath against my mouth and my body screams to kiss him. I lick my lips and I feel a smile form on his.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t do this to me.” My fingers begin to tap and he clutches my hand. He’s totally composed and I’m falling to pieces.

“If you only knew the things I want to do to you.” He laughs and steps back slightly. “You wouldn’t be standing this close to me right now. So, are you going to ask me again?”

“Please stay.”

“Of course I will,” he says, “you begged.”

“I’m not going to sleep with you,” I say as I attempt to confidently stride back into my house. Tyler follows closely behind and I can hear him chuckle under his breath, which only makes me want to stand firm with my choice. I walk into the kitchen and I open the refrigerator and the blast of cool air hits me in the face, but my skin still remains hot and overly sensitive. I take two beers and hand one to Tyler. He follows me into the living room. When we are sitting on the couch he turns to me and says, “I’ve missed you Krissy. Can we try again? Put the past behind us. Start over.”

Kissing Tyler has clouded my vision and made me want him even more. I feel vulnerable and scared that my life will be forever spent single and hating my job. I suddenly feel the need to be loved by someone...anyone. It’s easy to lose myself in him like I have done so many times before. He makes me forget how terrible things used to be between us, just his presence fuels my need to make it right.

“Okay, I say. “How far back should we go because I’m pretty sure I can’t re-instate my virginity?”

He laughs and pulls me onto his lap wrapping his arms around me. I go willingly, not fighting even though something in me tells me I need to be careful. I close my eyes and think that maybe it will be okay.

“Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you? Touching you again, the way you smell, just because I left doesn’t mean I ever stopped wanting you.” It takes seconds for the memories to surface; the familiarity of being close to him brings me back, taking me through our past.

As if Tyler can hear my thoughts, he says, “I think fate was trying to tell us something the day we met. The last names, all those classes, don’t you think?”

“When? The first day of our sophomore year?”

“Yeah, I still remember trying to get you to talk to me. You were so difficult. You just ignored me.”

“I didn’t ignore you!” I say, shouting. “I was scared of you. You intimidated me.”

“You would’ve never known. I just thought you didn’t like me. It wasn’t until that party at Gia’s house that you finally broke down and actually talked to me.”

“What are you talking about? I talked to you every day in class that week.” I’d forgotten about that party. Gia’s parents went out of town and her brother Christopher and some of his friends bought a bunch of liquor with fake ID’s. “I remember when you walked into her backyard.” I smile as I picture him. He looked out of place. My crowd wasn’t his style, but I didn’t care. He looked adorable, his hair curlier than usual from the humidity.

“You were the only reason I was there. God, you were so beautiful. Not like anyone else.”

“Why because I was drunk off of Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers? I ask jokingly.

“Well, yes and no. You didn’t look like any of the girls there. They were all in halter tops with too much makeup.”

“Ah, yes. Makeup in the sweltering heat. A great combo. And halter tops? That wasn’t really me. I couldn’t be bothered. I wasn’t there to pick up guys. I just wanted to get drunk and possibly smoke a joint.”

“You need to teach a class to teenage girls on how to not give a shit. Really, you made it look effortless.” It was anything but effortless, but it was definitely easier than pretending to be someone I wasn’t. “I remember you wore the same thing to school that whole week and you had it on at the party, too.”

“Tyler, what the hell were you thinking talking to me at that party? I’d worn the same clothes for a week. You probably thought I was homeless. If my memory serves I was wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt, a pair of cut off jean shorts and turquoise Vans.”

“Yep and you looked amazing. You were dancing with your sister to “Jessie’s Girl.” It was hard not to stare at you. I remember Rachel lifted the back of your shirt and I could see your tan lines. I almost came in my pants.”

“Tyler! You’re disgusting!” I admonish him, but enjoy his take on this memory. “Oh yeah, Rachel was trying to get some douche bag’s attention, so she made me dance with her. She whispered something to me along the lines of, “If you dance with me all slutty, he’s totally gonna think we go home and make out.” It worked because she ended up in Gia’s bedroom with him ten minutes later.”

“I hate to break it to you and Rach, but the fact that she looked like a porn star was enough. And even worse when the three of you ended up in high school together. You could have brought the entire male student body to their knees. Just think of the fantasies that a fifteen year old boy could spin from imagining the three of you.” I can’t even begin to comment, so I just shake my head at him. “Why did you wear the same clothes all week anyway?”

I giggle as I recall my reasoning for being so disgustingly unkempt. “My mom wanted me to go buy new school clothes and I wouldn’t, so she took away all the clothes I had and hid them. That was what I had on when she hid my clothes.”

“I knew the explanation would be that simple. Not a care in the world,” he says.

We spend the rest of the night reliving our misspent youth and laughing, my coffee table lined with beer bottles. We laugh about the Halloween that we dressed up as the leg lamp and Ralphie from A Christmas Story and how halfway through the party we switched costumes after making out in someone’s parents bedroom.

“Oh my God! You put your foot through the bottom of the fishnets!” I say through hiccupping laughs.

By this point we are laughing so hard tears are streaming down our faces. It used to be like this. The negative memories overshadowed the good times we had, but right now all we have are good memories. We reminisce some more, each memory more vivid than the last; kissing at the zoo, making out in the boys locker room after Tyler’s soccer practices, cheating off each other during our Bio tests, being pulled on a snow tube by his car and smoking pot on the roof of my mom’s house.

“I was terrified of your stepdad,” he says.

“Tom?” I question. “Why?”

“He was a cop and he was scary as hell. You were never scared he was going to catch you smoking up on the roof?”

“He did. I thought I was going to shit my pants, but he just told Rachel and me to go to bed. Rachel couldn’t stop laughing. His stance on drugs was very liberal, especially on weed.”

“How you turned out so normal is beyond me,” he says patting my butt. I am now lying completely on top of him, my chin on his chest.

“I think your view of normal is a tad off. It’s all relative.” I smile at him and rest my ear against his chest. I can hear his heart beating steadily and I love it. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

“Absolutely,” he says.

I know what you’re thinking, “Geez, she really is easy.” But I didn’t sleep with him, well I slept with him, but I didn’t sleep with him. At this point it’s impossible to send him back to his hotel. I look at it like sharing a bed with Melinda or Gia, but I never would have had such impure thoughts about them while they slept next to me.