A Life More Complete

---Chapter 10---

The next morning we both arrive at work on time and ready for our meeting with Trini’s new lawyer. She has a court date set for next week and we need to attempt to subside the media’s requests for interviews and statements. We also need to formulate a plan to make her look better, something to make her seem sincere and compassionate. In order to do this, we need to meet with her lawyer to make sure our facts match up, okay everything through him. It turns out the meeting is a waste of time. His flight is delayed and he won’t be arriving until the evening. The meeting has been rescheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:30, all of this is told to us by his assistant via conference call.

The rest of my day goes by uneventfully. Somewhere around lunchtime I call Trini, but she doesn’t answer, which is what I was hoping for. I leave her a message asking not why she missed her court date, but to let her know the meeting with her lawyer was rescheduled for tomorrow. She won’t care. Her lack of interest in anything is beginning to show. Rarely is she seen in public before one in the morning, by which time she is semi-drunk and in so much of a prescription drug induced haze that nothing fazes her in the least. She’s lost weight, but her face looks bloated, not at all what she looked like less than a month ago. I still harbor feelings of pity for her, but each day that passes makes it more difficult. I told her I wouldn’t give up, but I’m not sure I can keep that promise.

As I’m leaving work I stop at Melinda’s desk. “Will you take a rain check on getting drunk tonight?” I ask.

“Sure. Just as long as you’re not going home to cry about losing Ben,” she says eyeing me doubtfully.

“Nope, no crying tonight. I just haven’t gone running in a while and I want to go before it gets dark.”

“No problem, but we’re definitely going tomorrow. Anyway, Friday is a way better night to get drunk.”

“Perfect.” I kiss her cheek as I leave. I make my way to Bob’s office, but he’s already gone for the day. Neither Melinda nor I have seen him since he started dating Jon and I hope for his sake he fares better in his relationship than I did in mine.

As soon as I arrive home, I slip into my running clothes and forget everything. I run and all my problems and thoughts disappear. Running is mindless. Just put one foot in front of the other and focus on the task at hand. I know my outdoor runs will have to be in the evening from now on. I can’t possibly run to the beach as I had once done. It’s Ben’s beach. It was his long before it was mine. It was the place his father taught him to surf, it’s where he goes to escape his job, it is his place of solace and I won’t take that from him by intruding on it every morning. I also can’t bear the thought of seeing him.

I have no idea how many miles I have run; I just know it is far more than usual. It’s late and when I glance at my iPod I realize I have been running for over two hours. The sky has darkened and the streetlights glow brightly.

I’m not even sure how to end my night because right now my life sucks. I open my pantry and grab a bottle of wine that a client had given me last Christmas. I don’t drink wine. Ever. But I want to feel nothing. After three glasses, I’m feeling a bit lightheaded and dizzy. In my wine induced stupor I decide to pack up Ben’s things. My anxiety ebbs and flows, all the while the what-ifs spill around in my head making me think I’ve made a terrible mistake. I should’ve just compromised, given Ben what he wanted, but I still can’t bring myself to do it. Yet, isn’t that what relationships are about, compromise. You hear that all the time. Why can’t I just give in?

I toss his toothbrush, a pair of board shorts, and his running shoes into the box. The box begins to fill quickly, travel coffee mugs, t-shirts, a pair of cargo shorts, a couple of Dennis Lehane books, flip flops and a Dodgers baseball hat. I toss the Torres Landscaping shirt on my bed. “I’m keeping this one,” I whisper to myself. In my totally logical wine drunken haze I decide to put the box in my car. I rationalize that returning the box to him tomorrow will definitely be the end and I’ll be able to move on. I can’t even possibly believe that to be true and if I’m being honest with myself it’s not. I’ve spent nearly seven years with Ben in my life, at least three of those years in a relationship that I wouldn’t dare admit was legitimate until just recently. As I toss the box onto the passenger seat of my car a surge of jealousy runs through me. Jealous of Gia and David and Bob and his new boyfriend. I’m insanely jealous of what they have and I used to have, but let it walk away.

I strip off my clothes and pull Ben’s shirt over my head and begin to cry. My whole body feels like it’s bruised, I ache everywhere. Maybe if I don’t move the pain will stop, but it doesn’t. I find comfort in his side of the bed and know that eventually the smell will fade and he will be gone for good.

I wake in the morning, shower and pull on a fuchsia sheath dress paired with a skinny patent black belt and peep toe black patent pumps. I straighten my hair and do my usual quick makeup job. I figure if I run into Ben by chance I should at least look good. And in a recent turn of events, I do look good, not just good, hot. Skinny and lightly tanned with a small amount of freckles covering my nose and my green eyes look brighter than they have lately. The dress fits amazingly well, making my waist look incredibly tiny and my boobs look big and perky. Getting drunk the night before agrees with me. Note to self: drink more wine.

I pull into the parking lot of Torres Landscaping and Pools. It is a huge business, with lush greenhouses and fruit trees everywhere. There are models of in-ground pools and hot tubs and several smaller buildings stationed throughout. The nursery doesn’t open until eight, so the place is fairly deserted, only a few of Ben’s employees are milling around. I look for Ben’s truck and I don’t see it, so I make my way through the gravel parking lot, teetering in heels around the small rocks that cover it. The first building is Ben’s office. I open the door knowing Annalise should be here already, yet she’s not. She’s nowhere to be seen. I reach over and grab a pen from the cup on her desk and a Post-It note. I quickly scribble down a note to Ben and stick it on top of the box. I head down the tile-covered hallway to his office, my heels clicking along and echoing. I pull the door open and there is Ben sitting behind his desk staring at his computer. Without even thinking I blurt out, “What are you doing here?” I’m sure I look completely stupefied.

“I work here,” he says raising his eyebrows. “What are you doing here?”

“Dropping off your stuff. I was gonna leave it with Annalise, but she’s not here.” I hold the box out as I shift my weight from foot to foot, nervously.

“She’s out getting coffee.” He stands and walks around his desk toward me and for some reason I want to drop the box and run. I’m almost afraid to be in the same room with him. I shove the box at him and he takes it glimpsing down at the note on the top. He looks up from the note and says, “I miss you.” He drops the box on the ground and takes my hand.

“Krissy. I’m sorry. I miss you so much.” He pulls me to him and before I realize it he’s kissing me and I can’t stop him. A few seconds won’t kill me. Ben’s lips are like home, comforting and soft. And before I can pull away the tip of his tongue grazes my bottom lip. My eyes shoot open.

“Okay, stop.” I pull away leaving him breathless. “Nothing has changed, Ben.”

“I don’t care. I want you.” He reaches for me again and I back away.

“You will care, someday. Not now because you’re lonely, but someday, I can’t say when, but you’ll care and I don’t want to go down that road again. I can’t lose you twice. This is hard enough.” I can feel that lump in my throat and the burn race through my skin. Shit, I’m going to cry.

“Oh baby, don’t cry.” He pulls me to him and I can’t stop him. The tears fall, soaking his shirt and ruining my perfectly great post wine glow.

“I can’t do this,” I mumble into his shirt.

“It was wrong of me to say that. I apologize. I do love you, Krissy, but you’re right. We want different things out of life and it would be unwise and unfair for me to demand anything of you.” He hands me a tissue. “You have worked hard to get where you are and I would never begrudge you the success you’ve had or attempt to take it away from you. Maybe our lives will connect again someday and maybe you’ll be ready then and if not, well, then as they say, it wasn’t meant to be.”

“Why are you so understanding? It makes me love and hate you all at the same time.” I pause momentarily as his eyes meet mine. I turn away because if I wait too long I’ll beg him to take me back. I quickly hug him. It’s the kind of hug you reserve for distant cousins and unknown relatives.

“Take care,” he says as I leave his office, but his voice sounds distant and as I glance back at him his smile fades and his eyes turn sad.

“Thank you, and you, too, Ben.” My voice wavers slightly as I try to control the last of the tears.

Crying in Ben’s office has made me late. What a wonderful first impression to Trini’s lawyer, not that I care what he thinks of me personally, but I do care about my professionalism.

I’m daydreaming of Ben as I make my way to the conference room. Ben’s perfectly white, straight teeth, his beautiful smile, his hands, his dark hair, his eyes, him naked. I’m smiling like an idiot. I need to get it together. Then I hear it. A voice I know better than my own and it stops me dead in my tracks. It can’t be. It just can’t. How? I hear it again. He laughs and I know it’s him. My mind races and I play the conversation from yesterday’s meeting in my head. Flight from Chicago, Mr. McCarthy, lawyer. F*ck me! It’s him.

My palms begin to sweat and I tap and count to such an extreme it’s comical. I take a deep breath, turn around and hit the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror. My mind is racing, my heart beating like a drum; I can’t seem to pull it together. Get yourself together. You’re not the same person you were then. Stop being a coward. This is your job. You could do it in your sleep. I take another deep breath and I tell my feet to walk. I hear him laugh again. He’s charming everyone in the room. I know; I’ve been there. He is flawlessly good.

As I walk in Ellie says, “There she is.” She has a ridiculously huge grin painted on her face. “Kristin, this is Tyler McCarthy, Trini’s lawyer.” She is still smiling like a moron. He stands and turns toward me as I stop in the doorway. If he’s shocked to see me he doesn’t show it. I attempt to walk around him, which of course, comes across as awkward and weird. He stills me with his hand, placing it on my wrist and runs his thumb along the inside seeking what he knows is still there.

“It’s nice to see you, again. You look well,” he says not missing a beat, completely collected.

“You, too,” I say, which is more like an auto-response, but my voice is shaky. It’s just what you say, I think? He pulls me into an embrace and I still myself by placing my hands on his arms just below his shoulders. His lips graze my ear and he whispers, “You smell amazing.” And then he places a kiss just shy of my mouth. I swallow hard. It’s impossible for me to control my body’s response to him. My heart beats faster, my palms sweat, my breathing grows erratic. I become powerless in his presence. He’s the only person in the world who evokes so much emotion from me. I’m overwhelmed, and anxiety-riddled, a complete mess. It’s like my body is hardwired to his, so attuned and acutely aware. I begin to tap my fingers and his hand covers mine stilling my need. He leans in again and kisses the other side of my mouth and whispers, “Stop. So unbecoming on such a beautiful woman.” My breath hitches and a small gasp escapes my lips. He is completely unaffected by my presence or everyone else in the room because it feels like we’ve been standing like this for an eternity. The tension in the room is unnatural. The Earth tilts on its axis and begins to spin. I can feel it under my feet. I feel like I’m under water trying to suck in a breath, but there’s nothing there. The room begins to buzz with anticipation, his eyes lock with mine, and it’s uncomfortable and unnerving. He drops my hand abruptly and says, “Shall we start the meeting,” as if he just returned from the bathroom. As much as I want to go he still leaves me feeling bereft. I stumble toward the chair next to Melinda and fall into it rather ungracefully. I look over at her and her eyes are wide and questioning and she mouths, “Oh. My. God.”