A Life More Complete

---Chapter 6---

In just under two hours we’re back in the car and on the way to Gia’s house. Trini’s asleep in the passenger seat, but she looks pained and stressed even at rest. I quickly call Gia to let her know we’ll be arriving soon.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Gia.”

“Krissy! I can’t wait for you to get here. The kids are so excited!”

“I know, me too.” I try to keep my voiced hushed so I don’t wake Trini.

“So, to what do we owe this honor? I didn’t think we’d see you until at least Christmas.”

“Oh come on,” I try to play casual. “It’s strawberry season, how could I miss it?”

“Seriously? Don’t they have strawberries in California?”

“Yes, but not like David grows them.” I giggle and so does Gia.

“I know you’re up to something, but I won’t ask. All that confidentiality and non-disclosure bullshit that goes with your job. How’s Trini?”

“She’s good. You know the usual. Thought she needed some time away and no one will follow us to bumble-f*ck nowhere.”

“True,” she says laughing.

“We should be there in about a half an hour.”

“The guesthouse is ready and the door’s unlocked. We’ll see you soon.”

“Can’t wait,” I say. I love Gia more than anything. We’ve been friends since we were eight and I miss the normalcy of our friendship and the ease of being with someone who knows me better than anyone.

We pull into Gia’s gravel driveway and before I wake Trini I text Ben to let him know we’re here. I run my hand over Trini’s shoulder to wake her. She rubs her eyes, but says nothing. She can barely look at me. We both get out and head toward the small outbuilding behind the garage. I open the door and as always Gia has outdone herself. There’s a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies on the counter of the small efficiency kitchen. She’s stocked the fridge with water, pop and beer. The place is spotless, something I’m not sure how she ever accomplishes with three kids. I point Trini in the direction of the bedroom and I turn down the air conditioning as we enter the room. She crawls onto the bed and under the overly white and fluffy down comforter and closes her eyes. She still hasn’t spoken since we left.

“Trini?” I wait for an answer, yet receive nothing. “I’ve left the medicine the doctor prescribed on the nightstand. You need to take the antibiotic and probably should take the pain medicine, too.” I pause, but again, no response. “I’m going to go to the house now. Are you okay?” Nothing. “Could you please answer, you’re starting to scare me.”

“Okay,” she mumbles from under the covers.

“I have my cell. Call if you need me. Love you, Trini,” I say as I walk out of the bedroom and in the quietest of voices I hear, “Love you, too.”

I enter Gia’s house through the mudroom. The room is scattered with dirty Crocs, shovels, buckets and old raincoats. Gia’s house is the one place I feel the most comfortable. It has a wonderful homey feel. The house, built in 1906, has seen its fair share of families’ come and go, but I firmly believe that Gia and David were the reason the house was built. It radiates love, kindness, empathy and respect. Pictures of the kids grace the walls and tables in every room adding to its feeling of warmth. It’s picture perfect, made for TV movie adorable.

I can’t contain my excitement as I scramble through the door to the house from the mudroom. As I open the door I’m attacked by two of Gia’s kids. Nico is five and Gianna is two. They are clones of Gia; dark hair and eyes, olive skin, tiny and skinny with full lips and perfect noses. I was there for the birth of every one of Gia’s kids and each time I prayed that one would look like David. And after Gianna was born she vowed this was the last one. David was just out of luck, but when she called to say she was pregnant again I knew this one would belong to him. She planned to name him Gino, just like her grandfather. She stuck firm to her Italian heritage even though David was born and raised in Ireland. Yet when baby number three was born and he was the spitting image of David she couldn’t do it. David named him Liam and not only did he look like him, he was David in every way. Easy going and calm was the best way to describe the two of them.

I grab them both swinging them into my arms, kissing and hugging them with force. Smiles are plastered across our faces as they giggle and squeeze me with their little arms.

“Oh my God! I’ve missed you so much!” I can’t stop hugging them. Everything about them is infectious and I don’t want to let go. “Where’s Mommy?”

“Right here.” Gia appears in the doorway to the kitchen with Liam on her hip. She never ages. At twenty-eight years old she could still pass for eighteen. Her hair is in a ponytail and she has cut-offs and a white tank on. She’s a tiny little thing standing at five foot three, skinny and tanned and without a stitch of makeup. “It’s only been six months since I last saw you and I still want to cry like it’s been 20 years.”

“I know!” I rush to her and hug her close. “I miss you more each time I leave.”

“Don’t leave this time,” she giggles. “You can plow fields with David and babysit the kids.” I pull Liam from her arms and he comes willingly. A huge grin spreading across his face and I coo and giggle at him. I kiss his chubby cheeks and tickle his belly.

“Oh you have no idea how wonderful that offer sounds right now.” She has no idea that I’d give anything for her life. I’d love the normalcy of a husband and three kids and job that allows me to feel I’m accomplishing something of value.

“Rough week?” she questions.

“Something like that.” I change the subject quickly. Turning to Nico and Gianna, “So tell me what are we going to do today? I’ve been in the car way too long and I need to have some fun!”

“Guess what, Aunt Krissy?” Nico says.

“What?” I answer with a more enthusiasm than necessary, but it makes their eyes light up.

Before Nico can answer, Gianna blurts out, “We got a poo!” I glance at Gia raising my eyebrows and she smiles.

“We’re still working on that /l/ sound.”

“It’s not a poo, Gigi!” Nico shouts at her, his hands on his hips. It’s a poo-l!” He accentuates the ending sound and she eyes him suspiciously.

I help the kids into their suits and slather them in sunscreen. There’s a heat wave and a drought and everything else that comes with summers in the Midwest. I borrow a suit from Gia and follow the kids to the beautiful in ground pool that sits behind the house. And in rare Gia form, it’s fenced and gated, locked and covered, keyed access only. She’s the kind of mom who thinks of everything. She is amazing.

I snap on the kids coast guard approved life vests and off they go. Nico jumping in straightaway and Gianna easing in cautiously. I follow them in while Gia sits at the side and dangles her feet in the water. I take Liam from her and strip him down to his diaper. He splashes in my arms while the other two jump and play happily behind us. Her life is the goddamn American dream.

“Anything new?” I ask even though I talk to her at least once a week.

“No, not really. Go back to work in a week.” She makes a sick face and rolls her eyes. Gia’s an elementary school social worker. Even though she likes to believe she hates her job, she doesn’t. “I’m ready though. I need to get some structure back in this house. It’s been a zoo for the last six months. With me being off on maternity leave and all, things have gotten a bit out of control.”

“I seriously doubt that. You’re the only person I know who has it as together as you do. You make being a parent look effortless. You should write a book.”

“Yeah, right,” she says changing the subject. “Where’s Trini?” Gia’s met Trini several times but knows only what she reads in the tabloids. No matter how much she pries, I’ve never given up the goods on Trini.

“She’s sleeping. She needed a break from everything.”

“Cryptic, like always,” she scoffs, unenthused. “One day will you tell me everything?” She smiles and nods her head. “I have very little stimulation in my adult life, you owe it to me.”

“One day when I leave my job behind and lead a normal life I will tell you everything.” I’ve subdued her for a short time. I know she’ll question me later.

We’re all gathered around the kitchen table after our swim waiting for David to return with pizza. I’ve always joked with Gia about living in the middle of nowhere, but they can’t get a pizza delivered to their home, so I know it’s the truth. The kids and I are competing in a burping contest that I can tell is annoying Gia to no end, when I hear someone call my name. I turn around and find Trini standing at the door to the mudroom. “Hey Trini. You remember Gia, right?” Gia rises and hugs her briefly. “These are Gia and David’s kids, Nico, Gianna and Liam. We were just getting ready to eat dinner. Join us?”

“Sure,” she responds shyly.

David returns with the pizza shorty after Trini’s arrival and we eat, talking and laughing, reliving old stories and telling jokes with the kids. Trini is quiet, but polite. She looks better. The color has returned to her skin and she’s eating, so I can’t be too concerned. She helps clear the table and clean up before retreating back to the guesthouse. I give the kids baths, allowing Gia and David a break. First is Liam, once he’s done Gia nurses him to sleep as I corral Nico and Gianna and bathe them together. We make a Lego boat that I’m sure will float; yet they doubt my ability and it sinks like a rock. They’re giggling and splashing around and I can’t help feel a pang of jealously for Gia’s life.

After bath, I read each of them four books and Gianna falls asleep in my arms as I rock in the chair with her. I kiss her head and place her in her crib. She rolls over and cuddles up to a kitty head attached to a small blanket. Her dark curly hair splayed out over the white crib sheet. She looks serene and beautiful.

I creep downstairs, so I don’t disturb the kids. I head through the kitchen to the family room, but stop short. I can see Gia through the doorway to the family room. She’s curled up on David’s lap, her face buried in his neck. He’s stroking her hair gently as he whispers something in her ear. She looks up at him and he kisses her softly on the lips. She sits up straddling him while his hands move to either side of her face. They kiss with more urgency, more passion. His hands trail down her back and ease under her behind cupping her. She pulls away and he says, “I love you.” I can see the respect and love in his eyes. They have a marriage that’s based off of love and friendship, both of them knowing exactly what the other needs. I want what they have, but I can’t help but wonder if they are an anomaly. How often do you find someone who understands you so fully that they just know when to leave you alone and when to comfort you? Like everything Gia does, she makes it look effortless.

“Hey, David? You want a beer? Gia, you want anything?” I call from the kitchen so as to not to completely interrupt their time together.

“No, thanks,” Gia answers.

“Yes, Kris. Thanks.” David is the only person who calls me Kris. It makes me feel like a different person. I’m not Kristin, publicist who hates her job and is on duty 24 hours a day and I’m not Krissy, kid with a shitty home life and awful parents. I’ve always tried to use the name Kristin at work, but no matter what I do Krissy still slips through. Ellie and my clients are the only ones who use my proper name, yet in given situations both Melinda and Bob will slip between the two. I thought if I forced myself into the role of Kristin that maybe I would be able to outrun my childhood nickname. I should have known better.

I take a deep breath and head into the family room; Gia’s now sitting next to David as they both stare at the television. I hand David his beer and plop down in the overstuffed chair across from them.

“How was your flight?” David asks.

“Fine. Pretty typical. Long and boring. Had to make a few stops along the way so it took longer to get here than usual.”

“Why didn’t you fly into Madison?” David asks smirking.

“You know why, you a*shole! That shitty 40 passenger plane scares the crap out of me. The last time I took that flight, I swear that damn plane was going to crash. The turbulence was awful.” The funny part of this story is that with my job I have flown on seaplanes that seated six and private jets, helicopters and pretty much every aircraft ever made, so my fear of small planes ended quickly with the exception of flying from Chicago to Madison. I still couldn’t bring myself to get on a plane with the intent of flying that short of a distance. When I was on that fateful flight I prayed to God that if he kept the plane flying I would never waste time on something so tedious. I saw it as a sign when it didn’t crash and even though I wasn’t a serious churchgoer I owed it to God for possibly saving my ass from plummeting to my death in a run-down regional jet somewhere over Rockford.

“I love that story,” David says. “It wasn’t that bad. You can be so dramatic sometimes.”

“Your face was priceless,” Gia joins in. “I think you even screamed out loud once. The flight attendant gave you the evil eye. Remember? I checked your pants when we got off to see if you peed.” I chuck a pillow at her and scowl.

“Okay, enough making fun of me. I overreacted. Better? At least I can admit it now.” I throw my hands up in defeat.

“As stimulating as you two are, I have to go to bed. Someone has to work for a living around here.”

David pecks Gia on the lips and heads to the bedroom. Gia and I sit in silence for a few seconds before she begins again. “So, if I guess why you’re here, will you tell me?”

“No, Gia, I won’t,” I say shaking my head.

“Fine. I won’t ask again,” she admonishes.

“Yes you will, who are you kidding?” I laugh.

“I know, sorry. So, how’s Ben?” she asks changing the subject.

“He’s Ben, totally and utterly perfect.” Just saying his name makes me smile like a fool. Gia looks at me and smiles back.

“He is so adorable,” she says in an exaggerated tone. “So when are you going to admit it?”

“Admit what?” I play dumb, but I know exactly what she’s talking about. My feelings for Ben are so foreign that I can’t even understand how to process them.

“Really? So that’s how it’s going to be? It’s obvious that you love him,” she says shaking her head at me.

“I need a drink.” I roll my eyes at her and leave the room. By the time I reach the kitchen my anxiety is out of control, not because of fear, but because she’s right. I pull another beer from the refrigerator and drink much faster than necessary. When Gia comes into the kitchen, I sigh deeply and wait for her motherly lecture. She’s been like this since we were kids. It’s almost like she feels the need to fill in where my mother failed. She runs her hand through her hair and glares at me.

“I know what you’re doing. Stop avoiding my question and stop pushing him away. Maybe you don’t do it intentionally or maybe you do. I don’t know. I just know you use your job as a shield to hide from relationships, but it’s more than that. You’re not your mother or father. You’re a kind, loving person. You won’t repeat their mistakes and I know Tyler f*cked you up big time, but move on.”

As much as it hurts to hear Gia’s words I know she’s right. I am holding back for all those reasons and more.

“Thanks, Gia. I really needed this,” I whisper.

“Me, too. I’m so glad you’re here. I wish you could stay longer.”

It’s late, far too late for Gia to be up. Knowing her kids will wake at the crack of dawn, we both retire. As I brush my teeth and wash my face I replay Gia’s words in my head “I know Tyler f*cked you up big time, but move on.” Thoughts of Tyler flood my memory and I clench my eyes shut in an attempt to obliterate him from my memory like I’ve done so many times before.

My fingers begin to tap as I climb into bed taking a few deep breaths and as soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out. I can’t remember a time when I’ve slept so deeply. I wake to the smell of coffee and bacon. I shuffle my way to the kitchen. Gia is at the stove making breakfast—pancakes and bacon. There is fresh fruit on the counter. I grab a strawberry and sit down cross-legged in a kitchen chair. The kids are both staring aimlessly at the television in the family room as it blares some bizarre song about chicken soup with rice.

“Morning, Gi.”

“Hey, Krissy. Sleep well?”

“Always. I think it’s the Midwest, does it to me every time,” I say smiling.

“Move back,” she laughs and both of us know that although it’s a joke, she’s serious.

“Maybe.”

Gia shouts for the kids to come eat breakfast and neither of them moves, their eyes glued to the television. I can hear the annoyance in her voice when she calls again, so I offer to take the kids off her hands for a few hours. She agrees without giving it a second thought and shoves all three kids out the door with buckets for strawberry picking. I stop off at the guesthouse and find Trini sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. She looks well and smiles at me when I invite her to join us.

Trini meets us a few minutes later and she’s adorable with the kids. She takes turns carrying Nico and Gianna on her back as we hike our way to the field. She helps them pick far too many strawberries, all of them stuffing their faces until Gianna’s face is smeared with red. Trini stops and takes pictures with her phone of the kids and me. She hands the phone to me and I snap a few of her and the kids. I’ve never seen her so carefree. She has so much pressure and stress, but she trudges through never getting to be a kid herself. It’s like someone has flipped a switch and given her back her childhood, the one she missed so long ago. She catches me staring at her and she smiles, a big beaming bright smile, a real smile; the kind that you feel in your heart. She walks over to me, leaving the kids to gorge themselves on even more strawberries.

“Someday I’m going to be a mom,” she says and tears form in her eyes.

“I know.” I grab her and pull her to me and kiss her cheek. “Love you, baby girl.”

“Love you, too, Krissy. I love it here. Thanks for bringing me. Do you think Gia would care if I never went home?”

“I feel the same way every time I visit. I don’t know what it is, but it’s wonderful.”

The three days we spend at Gia’s fly by far too fast and I feel forced out the door when it is time to leave. Not by Gia or David, or even Trini, but by the looming black hole that waits when I return. My job. The only time I picked up my phone was to text Ben and I fought the urge to check my email or listen to my voicemail. The anxiety is pooling and I know by the time I arrive home it will be out of control. I hug Gia, David and the kids good-bye, promising I’ll be back soon and this time I’ll make good on that promise. Being with Gia made me look at things in a new light. Only three times in my life did I make a conscious decision to forgo my job and my clients for someone else. The birth of Gia’s three kids were the only times I dropped everything and hid from the public. Those were three of the happiest times in my life, and if that’s any indication of how my life should be, then that’s the choice I’m going to make. Gia cries as we drive off and so do I.

Trini and I have a three-hour ride back to Chicago and then a four-hour flight to Los Angeles. Neither of us speaks of the reason for the trip, but the conversation flows easily on both our parts. Trini talks fast and sounds like the eighteen year old that she is. She can’t stop talking about how wonderful Gia is and how lucky I am to have a friend like her and how amazing it is that we’re still friends after so many years.

“I don’t have any real friends. I basically bought all my friends and they still don’t stick around.” She says it so matter of fact that I can feel the pain through her words. “You’re the only friend I have who’s lasted more than a few months and I pay you.”

“I told you before. I am your friend and not because you pay me. We’ve been through a lot together.”

“Thank you, but it’s not the same. You have Gia and Ben and they know you better than anyone. You can be yourself. I saw it. You were a different person, free and happy. I saw your real smile, your real laugh. You’re not happy and I know I’m part of that.”

“We are friends, but unfortunately you’re part of my job too, and I hate my job. That doesn’t mean I hate you or feel differently about you because you’re attached to it. And anyway, you have Luke. It’s been what, two years now?”

“You can’t be serious?” She looks at me with wide eyes and disgust. “I’m not stupid. I don’t love Luke and I never will. He’s an a*shole, but he understands my career and for some reason I can’t walk away from him, even after what happened.”

“At least you can admit it. I spent a long time with a guy who treated me like shit, but I couldn’t admit it to myself. I guess I thought I deserved it in some way.”

“I can’t even imagine that. You are so, I don’t know, assertive?” she says questioning her words.

“That’s not really me. My job has made me that way. In my private life I’m much more reserved.”

“And I guess my job has hardened me.” She shudders a little and her mouth turns down. I watch her face fall and know that this business has ruined her, possibly beyond repair.

“You’re still young. You have time to find yourself, find a good guy, be happy. You know, the basics.” I smile at her, but the look on her face tells me she knows it’s my fake one. I can’t hide from her anymore.

“You’re full of shit. There is no way you can pull your publicist crap on me anymore, not after I saw what you’re really like. You can bet your ass I’m gonna call you on it, too.”

“At least you know, now. We can fake it together.”

After a delay in Chicago, which pushed our arrival back several hours, we finally arrive back in L.A.. The delay makes me anxious. It puts more time in between being able to see Ben. It has taken me far too long to realize he is exactly what I’ve wanted and as the minutes pass I don’t want to wait for what is to come. My legs bounce on their own accord; I chew my bottom lip nervously and pick my cuticles till they bleed. I finally pull into my driveway and kiss Trini good-bye without ever leaving the car.

“Where are you going?” she asks, puzzled.

“Ben’s.” I smile backing out before she’s even in her car. She smiles and shakes her head. She cups her hands around her mouth and yells, “Behave yourself!” I wave to her out the window and she blows me a kiss.

Ben’s house is still lit up when I pull into the driveway. I check the door and it’s locked, so I silently push my key in and unlock the door, letting myself in.

“Ben?” I call quietly. He rounds the corner a few seconds later. Standing in the doorway to the kitchen wearing boxer briefs. He looks tired and runs his hand through his hair. When his eyes finally meet mine his mouth falls open in surprise and I run to him. I jump into his arms wrapping my legs around his waist. I can’t stop kissing him, my lips press firmly against his, my tongue moving with ease in his mouth. I run my hands through his hair and down his chest and back up again. He sets me on the table and I part my legs to allow him closer to me. He attempts to pull away, but I tighten my grip on him and continue assaulting him with my mouth and hands. When the urgency finally subsides, my kisses turn slower and softer. He presses his forehead to mine, his hands on either side of my face, his eyes closed as he breathes heavily.

“I’m glad to see you, too,” he whispers.

My heartbeat quickens and my stomach flutters. I can’t hold back any longer and the words slowly roll off my tongue, “I love you.”

“What?” he nearly gasps. He steps back slightly and a smile builds as the shock of it all fades away.

“You heard me.”

“Say it again.”

“I love you.” I smile and pull him to me, kissing his neck.

“God damn! Took you long enough!”

“Six years. Why’d you wait on me?”

“Krissy, I knew the moment I met you that I loved you. I’m drawn to you like never before. My dad told me once that I’d know, but I thought he was full of shit. He was so right.”

“I’m sorry I made you wait.” I breathe out.

“It was worth every second,” he mutters as he leans down to kiss me. His lips linger softly against mine before pulling away. I tilt my head back exposing my neck to him and he follows my cue. I stop breathing as the tip of his tongue traces my jaw and his lips glide down my neck. I breathe in hard; my fingers ache to touch him as I pull him in closer. “Not here,” he whispers in my ear and a shiver of pleasure fills my body. He lifts me from the table, his hands gripping me tightly and I need this more than anything. When his body covers mine, my need only grows. Ben’s hands follow the curves of my body and with every touch his fingers leave my skin aching for more. When he’s finally inside me, my body is so sensitive, so acutely aware of his every movement that it takes only seconds for me to lose myself in him. All the insecurities that plague my life fall away and I can’t remember ever feeling this free, this safe…this loved.

The months slip by and Ben and I fall into an easy rhythm. Ben cooking me dinner on the nights I work late and us eating together, laughing and sharing stories. He runs with me every morning and brings me chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches in the evening. I’d buy Ben’s favorite foods when I grocery shopped and I learned to make chicken tacos from his grandma’s recipe. We’d play Wii for hours until Ben’s competitive streak would show forcing us to quit before it turned ugly. We’d bust out my college pawnshop purchase of the original Nintendo and he would laugh at my ridiculous ability to kill him in Dr. Mario and Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. He was not only my boyfriend, but he’d become my best friend. It was perfect and on the nights that we spent apart I had trouble sleeping, only finding comfort on his side of the bed. The smell of his body lingered on my sheets making it the only way I could sleep. I found such contentment in the simplicity of our relationship.

I pulled away from my job almost immediately upon my return. I began to shuck my responsibilities onto interns and other reps just so I could be home with Ben. I was surprised at how easy it was to create a schedule Ben and I could both be happy with. I still traveled regularly, but I made it a point to be home every Friday night. Ellie divvied down my client list leaving me with only some of our more important ones. I kept my personal life separate and it was working out perfectly.