I sat there for a few seconds, debating what I was going to say. Feeling Ash’s hand wrapped around mine, she gave me the courage. Looking at Patrick, I saw a small smile on his face, but doubt in his eyes. He knew, just like Ash and I, that I would lose my dad when I came out. But I was fine with it. Patrick was my future, and my dad was my past.
Sucking in a breath, I said, “Well, um, I’ve been wanting to tell you two for a while, but I haven’t really had the words.” I looked at my mom and then at my dad. “I’ve been hiding who I really am and I can’t do it anymore.”
Pausing, I glanced at my mom and I could see in her eyes that she already knew. Nodding her head for me to continue, she mouthed, “I love you, Derrick.”
I looked at my dad and I could see his face was filled with rage. He also knew, and feeling my heart disintegrate in my body, I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I wanted to say it but I couldn’t. I knew they both knew, but actually saying the words is something totally different.
Words change everything. Words stick with you. Once they leave your mouth, the truth is told. Words are embedded into our brains and stick with us like glue. It wasn’t that I was scared to come out, but I was petrified at what words would leave my dad’s mouth. I had prepared myself for this very moment, but sitting there, I knew that I would be crushed. The armor and the shields I had put around myself, to protect myself from this very moment, were nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
I was broken from my thoughts when my dad chugged the rest of his beer and angrily said, “No son of mine will be a fag.”
“Brad!” my mom protested, rising from her chair.
Before I knew it, Dad was standing up and throwing his beer bottle. I heard it hit the floor and shatter into a million pieces, but I didn’t see it. I saw my dad charging towards me. “Dad—” He punched me in the jaw.
As I fell back onto the hardwood floor, I heard my mom scream. I saw Patrick get up and my dad started to charge towards him, but I wrapped my arms around my dad and pushed him to the ground. I tried to hold him down. We were both about the same height and weight, but somehow my dad got out of my hold and pushed me off.
Getting up as fast as I could, I went to charge again when my mom screamed, “Brad! Derrick!”
Stopping, we both looked towards my mom. With tears running down her face, she walked over to my dad, slapped him across the face, and yelled, “HOW DARE YOU! HE’S OUR SON, FOR GOD’S SAKE!”
Looking past Mom directly at me, Dad angrily said, “He’s no son of mine,” and walked out of the room and up the stairs.
All four of us just stood there with our hearts beating rapidly and our breath coming in spurts. The second we heard the door slam shut, my mom jumped back and shook her head. Looking to me, she quickly wrapped her arms around me. “I love you, Derrick.”
I wrapped my arms as tight as I could around my mom, tears spilling from my eyes. “I love you too, Mom.” We held onto one another for a few minutes then Mom let go and looked at Patrick. Wiping the tears from her eyes, Mom wrapped her arms around Patrick’s shoulders. “It’s so nice to meet you, Patrick.” She kissed him on the cheek.
Holding onto my mom, he smiled and said, “It’s nice to meet you as well.”
She stepped back from Patrick. “You love Derrick.”
At first I thought it was a question, but I then realized it was a statement. Patrick first looked at me and smiled. Looking back towards my mom, he said, “Yes.”
Nodding her head, Mom said, “Well, you take care of my baby.”
Giving my mom another hug, Patrick kissed her on the cheek and whispered, “Always.”
I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to hear that or not, but I was glad I did.
Walking over towards the door, Patrick, Ash, and I decided to go back to the hotel. We were all so exhausted. With the driving and the emotional aspect, we needed to rest.
Giving their goodbyes, Ash and Patrick walked over to the car and got in, giving me some alone time to talk with my mom. As soon as they were out of hearing range, my mom looked at me. “He’ll come around eventually. Just give him some time.”
I wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince me or herself. Probably both. I shrugged. “Yeah, maybe.”
Looking up at me, Mom nodded towards the car. “You have such amazing friends.” She hesitated a moment. “And an amazing boyfriend.”
With tears filling up in my eyes, I nodded. “Yeah, I do.” I wasn’t sure who leaned in first, but in one second we were standing with our arms at our sides and in the next our arms were wrapped around the other, holding on as tight as we could.
Giving me a kiss on my cheek, my mom whispered, “I love you, Derrick.”
I kissed Mom on the forehead. “I know.” I smiled down at her.
Nodding her head towards the car, Mom said, “Your friends are waiting,” and gave me a reassuring smile.
“I’ll call you.” Kissing her once more on the cheek, I said, “I love you, Mom,” and turned towards the car. With every step I took, a smile grew wider on my face. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I could now be who I was. I no longer had to struggle.
Chapter 8
Patrick