***
As we sit on the couches in our family living room and joke around, I can’t help but look at the clock directly across from me. It’s almost like it’s staring me down and laughing. Laughing at the fact that in just a few short minutes, my dad will be coming in through the front door thinking he’s just going to see his son and a few friends. Little does he know that I have something important to tell him. Something I can no longer keep hidden.
I thought for the longest time that I could just hide these things. Keep them hidden. Buried away under lock and key. But when I met Patrick and Ashlynn, I realized that I couldn’t hide who I was anymore. I met people who were amazing and embraced who I was. Who I really was.
Joining in the conversation, I laugh and talk with everyone. I smile, but the smile is fake. I see Patrick sitting across from me. He’s actually sitting next to my mom and I like the view. I like that he’s comfortable here, because I desperately want him to be. I want him to feel welcome, because one day, hopefully, he’ll really be a part of this family.
Ashlynn is sitting next to me. She’s holding my hand and I can’t help but see my mom look at me every couple of minutes with a huge smile on her face. I know she’s happy that I finally have someone but little does she know that the person I feel alive with is sitting next to her.
My heart plummets the second I hear a key go into the lock and the knob slowly twist open. Hearing dad’s shoes click on the hardwood floors, I feel my chest tighten, my stomach drop, and my heartbeat quicken. I’m so nervous and I’m sure Ash can tell just how nervous I am because my palms instantly moisten and my hand starts to twitch in hers.
It doesn’t faze her, though. The second she feels it, Ash continues her conversation with my mom and Patrick and lifts my hand that she’s holding onto with desperation and nestles it onto her lap, tightening her grasp every so often. With her other hand, Ash lightly rubs my hand, drawing circles on the top in an attempt to calm me.
Taking a few deep breaths, I feel relaxed. Just as Dad walks into the living room, I let go of Ash’s hand and get up from the couch. Dad walked over to me. “Derrick, how’ve you been?” He extends his hand. He never really was big on hugs. He always just shook my hand, even when I was little. I never really understood it.
I look down at his hand. Shaking my head and letting out a breath, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold on tightly. I feel his body stiffen at first, but then I feel something that I hadn’t felt in a really long time. My dad wraps his arms around my waist and holds onto me just as strong. I feel tears forming in my eyes. “I missed you, Dad.” I really did.
Pushing me back, Dad started chuckling. “All right, enough of this pansy stuff. What are you up to?”
I wasn’t prepared for that. I felt like we were taking a tiny, baby step in the right direction with the hug but I was wrong. I was so wrong. Stuttering through my words, I said, “Nothing much, Dad.”
Dad was walking to the kitchen to grab an ice cold beer. “How’s football going?”
Wow. I’m surprised it took him this long to ask me about sports. Ash wrapped her arm around my shoulder and gave me a little squeeze when I sit back down. I yelled back at Dad, “It’s going.”
Dad walked over to Mom and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Walking over to his “man chair,” he sat down and took a generous chug from his bottle of beer. Waving it in the direction of Patrick and Ashlynn, he asked, “And who are these people?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Dad. This is Ashlynn,” I said, indicating her, and then I point to Patrick. “And this, this is Patrick.”
Looking at Ash, Dad smiled and said, “It’s nice to meet you, Ashlynn.”
“It’s nice to meet you too, Mr. Miles,” Ash said.
Waving his hand, Dad said, “Please call me Brad.”
“Okay, Brad.” Ash smiled at him.
Looking to Patrick, Dad just stared at him. I could tell he was judging Patrick and it pissed me off. I knew Dad had an issue with gays, but I was surprised at how ignorant he really was. Lifting the bottle of beer to his mouth, Dad said, “Nice to meet you,” and left it at that.
I felt my heart breaking. I couldn’t believe how ignorant Dad was being. I was just about to open my mouth when Patrick gave a genuine smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Miles.”
Letting out a huff, Dad looked at me. “So you wanted to tell me and your mother something?” he asked, ignoring Patrick in the process.