Becoming Calder

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN


Eden



I sat on my bed, Hector's Holy Book in my hands, not reading, but playing a game where I asked a question about the future and then opened it to a random place and used my finger to blindly point to a word, wherein I opened my eyes and used the word to discern the answer.
It was a game I'd played with one question or another since I was young. It was immature, I knew, but I was bored.
"Will Calder and I live happily ever after?" I whispered.
I opened the book and closed my eyes and used my finger to settle on a place on the page. I opened my eyes. The word sitting directly above my finger was "perchance."
"Perchance?" I grumbled aloud. "Really?" I huffed out a breath. "Best choice out of three," I murmured, beginning to open the book to a random spot once again.
A knock at my door startled me and I sat back against my pillow and brought the book up as if I'd been studying it. "Come in," I called.
Mother Miriam opened the door holding something white and gauzy in her hands. She set it down on the end of my bed. "Your bridal veil," she said, the same disdain in her voice that had been present all my life.
"Oh." I said, my heart sinking. "Well, thank you."
Mother Miriam nodded. "The girl who brought it, that simple one, wanted me to tell you the lace on the bottom might seem heavy, but it's only because extra stones were used in the adornment. She repeated herself six or seven times. I suppose she's worried you'll complain," she said, rolling her eyes and shaking her head as if she'd endured some torturous event in having to have a conversation with her at all. I cringed slightly. I'd give anything to talk to Maya for just a few moments, to know the girl whom Calder loved so fiercely.
"Thank you," I said simply, moving down the bed and toying with the delicate material.
Mother Miriam regarded me for a second and then turned to leave.
"Why do you hate me so much?" I asked matter-of-factly, still staring down at my veil.
Mother Miriam turned around to face me again, little expression on her face. "I beg your pardon?"
I looked down at my fingers on the white gauze and then back up at her, holding eye contact. "It's just . . . I've never done a thing to you. I tried so hard to make you proud by being the best piano player I could be. I tried to be polite and obedient. I . . . tried to make you love me. And you never showed me a moment of tenderness, not one. Why? What did I do to you to make you look at me with such hatred?"
Mother Miriam was silent for a second, seeming to decide whether to answer me or not. Finally, her eyes seemed to dim. "You took him away from me," she said simply.
I furrowed my brows, hurt filling me even though I wished I could have shrugged off being hurt by Mother Miriam long ago.
"I was just a little girl," I said.
She looked me up and down. "You're not any longer, though, are you?"
Then she turned and walked out of my room, shutting the door quietly behind her.
I sat there for a minute, staring at the place where she'd just stood, wondering at the unfairness of life and of love. And wondering if the gods were real, why didn't they intervene in situations like this, where I loved Calder, and Miriam loved Hector? Maybe if they interfered just a little bit, we could all have the love we wanted.
But the gods weren't interested in our piddling problems I supposed, not when they had bigger issues to handle, like floods and famines, and how exactly to end the world.
My eyes went back to the veil sitting at the end of my bed and I touched it again, picturing Maya's fingers sewing the fabric to the lace, attaching each and every gem with the utmost care, piecing together the veil that would ultimately take me away from her brother.
I rubbed a finger over one of the larger pearls. Maya hadn't called them gems. She'd called them stones. Six or seven times, Miriam had said. Extra stones were used.
I stared at the veil for another few seconds and then I picked it up and began moving my fingers along the hem, feeling over the lace and the gemstones until I came upon a place where there weren't any gems sewn to the outside, but a hard lump that indicated something was sewn between the lace. My heart picked up speed. It felt flat and hard and about the size of a coin. I brought my teeth to the lace and ripped it right open. What did I care? It was beautiful, but I'd never wear the thing.
I stuck my finger in the small tear and ripped it open wider. My fingers touched something smooth and so I turned the piece of hem upside down and a small, smooth river rock fell out onto my lap, almost perfectly round and as smooth as any one of the pearls Maya had used on my veil. I sucked in a breath and brought my hand up over my mouth.
He sifts through all the pebbles until he finds the smoothest one he can, and presents it to her as a token of his love.
I picked the pebble up and brought it to my chest, holding it there for several minutes as my heart burst with happiness.
I took my pebble and placed it under my pillow, laying it in my "nest." "Yes," I whispered, "I accept you. A thousand times yes." And then I grinned to myself as I placed the pillow back over my offering of love.
I grabbed the veil back up and dug my fingers into the spot where I'd removed the pebble. After a second, I felt two, very small pieces of paper and grasped them between my fingers, bringing them both out. The first one was small. I unfolded it quickly, my breath hitching again.
On the inside was a drawing of our rock at the spring and the number twelve written above it, inside a full moon. I frowned, glancing over at the calendar on my wall. Tonight was a full moon. Calder wanted me to meet him tonight—midnight—at our spring. My heart sped up again, practically tripping over itself.
The second piece of paper was even smaller and said, "Open carefully," on the outside in tiny letters. I did and when I unfolded the final corner, I looked down at a small pile of white powder. Written underneath were three “Zs”. Sleeping powder? For Hector?
I sat there for a minute longer, looking at the items, my mind working. I knew we weren't ready to leave just yet, so he just wanted to see me. And I wanted to see him—desperately. And to do it safely, I needed to get this powder into Hector's evening tea.
I'd do whatever it took though. I'd do anything to see Calder.
"Thank you, Maya," I whispered. "Thank you for being so very brave." I only wished I could tell her in person.

**********

Later that night, after I'd carefully put the white powder in Hector's tea and served it to him as he read in front of the fire, and he'd woozily walked up the stairs to bed, I climbed carefully out my window. I had thought about going out the front door, but several of the council members were home and their eyes followed me as I walked through the main lodge. I retired to my room directly after Hector. Leaving my window open a tiny crack, I shimmied along the roof on my behind, careful not to make a single sound, and then when I got to the far side of the house, I counted to three and made a quick leap to the only tree tall enough to jump to. I forced myself not to cry out when a sharp branch struck my side, and the one I'd grasped onto swayed precariously under my weight. Instead, I gave myself a second to settle and reached for another branch, and another until it was safe to jump to the ground.
Just as I landed, car headlights turned into Acadia and I sucked in a breath and made myself as small as possible behind the large trunk of the tree, squeezing my eyes shut. If they got out of the car and looked carefully enough, I'd be easy to spot.
I heard heavy footsteps walking to the left of me and I stayed frozen until the front door opened and closed. I let my breath out and sprinted quickly across the open area to the grove of trees that led to the path down to the spring.
My body was filled with energy and excitement when I finally pushed the brush aside and ducked into our oasis, breathing heavily, almost giddy.
I stood up straight and froze.
There he was, standing, bathed in moonlight, and the glow of dozens of candles placed all around, a small smile on his lips. I stared unabashedly, his beauty seeming too remarkable to be real. I looked down shyly, suddenly feeling the weight of this moment. It might be the last one we had before we left here.
I brought my eyes to his and we both moved at once, rushing toward each other until he picked me up and swung me around. I tipped my head back and laughed at the clear night sky as Calder buried his face in my neck, his smile growing bigger against my skin.
After a minute he set me on my feet. Calder brought his hand up to my cheek as I leaned into it, closing my eyes.
"Are you okay?" I whispered finally. "I was so worried. Your legs . . ." I couldn't help it. Tears welled in my eyes at the memory of watching him endure such horrendous pain.
Calder shook his head and used his thumb to brush away the one tear that escaped. "My legs are fine, Eden. I promise you." He leaned back and looked down at me, smiling a small smile. "It's my heart that hurts from missing you."
I laughed out a small half-laugh, half-sob. "I miss you, too. So much. I thought I would die watching you suffer."
Calder leaned forward and took my face in his hands. "Shh, it's over now."
I nodded my head, but the floodgates had opened and now tears were running down my cheeks.
"I didn't worry about you because I know how strong you are."
I shook my head. "Look at me. I'm not that strong."
Calder smiled. "Yes, you are. You're stronger than any man I've ever met. In fact," he raised an eyebrow, amusement dancing in his eyes, "maybe you really are a man."
I laughed, a strangled sound in the midst of my tears. "Stop trying to make me laugh. I feel like crying right now."
He grinned, but his eyes moved over my features. "Wait, no, you're way too pretty to be a man. But maybe I need to investigate this theory further." He leaned in and kissed me gently, sweeping his tongue over my lips. "Mmm . . . and you taste far too sweet to be a man," he whispered, leaning away from me, his eyes darkening.
I closed my eyes, my tears stopping, and a smile making the corners of my mouth tilt up very slightly. "You're trying to distract me."
Calder raised an eyebrow. "And," he picked up a piece of my hair and brought it to his nose, closing his eyes, "you smell better than most men."
I laughed. It felt good.
He smiled and then leaned in again and kissed me. We explored each other's mouths for long minutes, both sighing in pleasure.
Calder brought his hands down to my breasts and cupped them gently. He broke away from my mouth, trailing his lips down my throat as I leaned my head back. "No," he said, "it's conclusive. Definitely not a man."
I laughed softly again, ending it on a sigh. "Anyway," I said, willing to play his game now, "all women are as strong as men. We just have to be quiet about it so your delicate egos don't get bruised."
Calder grinned against my skin. "You're probably right about that," he murmured.
"Hmm hmm," I sighed, shivers breaking out over my skin as he continued to nuzzle and lick my throat. "I'm glad you realize it."
Calder smiled, brushing a piece of hair off my cheek. "The sleeping powder—"
"I put it in Hector's tea. It was easy. He was falling asleep in his chair twenty minutes later. Mother Miriam walked him up to bed."
Calder nodded. "I asked Mother Willa for a little more of the powder she gave me for pain."
I couldn't help the sadness that swept through me again. "The pain—"
Calder put a finger to my lips, smiling gently. "Let's not waste any of our time talking about that. We have so little. We can't risk this again. I just had to see you one last time before we're apart again for a little while. We can't waste one second."
I nodded slowly. "Okay, I'll try," I whispered.
I looked around at all the flickering candles. "It's so beautiful," I said. "Thank you. I love candlelight."
Calder smiled. "I can't give you much right now, Morning Glory. But candlelight, that's one thing I can provide in spades," he said, laughing a small laugh.
I smiled and then went serious. "Will anyone be looking for you?"
He shook his head. "No. Not for now, I don't think. I'm sleeping in the sick tent and Xander switched places with me for tonight. In the dark, no one will be able to tell, even if they do look in on me."
I furrowed my brow. We were risking so much for this one night. "Okay."
"How'd you get out of the house?" he asked.
"I climbed out my window and walked along the roof until I got to the big tree on the side of the lodge."
Calder leaned back, looking shocked. "Eden, that was dangerous. I thought with the sleeping powder, you could sneak out the front door."
I shook my head. "The council members are all watching me. I feel it. Hector's instructed them . . . I don't know, but I couldn't risk that. It was safer to go out my window."
Calder looked worried for a minute, but then nodded, and leaned in and kissed me. Suddenly, I was lost to everything except all things Calder. I felt drugged from the taste of him. His smell—clean water and that certain something that was just him—spoke to a deep and secret part of me. It brought me alive in some essential way I didn't even understand.
I blossomed under his touch like a flower drinking in the warm sunshine, my nipples tightening, my thighs clenching, and my core beginning to throb.
I felt him harden against my belly and I moaned into his mouth, bringing my hands up into the silky hair at the nape of his neck. He moaned, too, that beautiful throaty sound vibrating on my tongue. Moisture settled between my legs, my pulse beating in that inner place that called out to be filled. I broke away from Calder's mouth and he gazed at me with heavy-lidded eyes.
"Make love to me, Calder." I looked up and said, "Right here, in the place that's only ours. Under this moon."
Calder's expression was tender as he leaned in and kissed me softly again and then leaned back. "Did you accept my pebble?" he asked.
I smiled at him and answered, "Yes. It's tucked away in my nest. Does that mean we're married?"
Calder grinned. "Yup."
I smiled. "I don't exactly think the state of Arizona recognizes the laws of penguins."
Calder laughed softly. "I don't care about the state of Arizona. It will be the law I'll live by for the rest of my life."
I smiled back at him. "And your vows? What are your vows?"
He took hold of my hands. Overhead, the moon cast its golden glow on everything around us, and the warm air caressed my face. In front of me stood the most beautiful man I'd ever seen, the man I'd loved as long as I could remember, the one who loved me back. All around me, the night glowed with miracles, both great and small.
Calder was quiet for a second, his eyes moving over my face, a gentle smile on his lips. "Eden, I vow this. My heart is yours. My life is yours. My body is yours. My art, my dreams. You own each and every part of me."
I let out a deep breath, and my heart hitched in my chest. "And I vow this. Calder, my heart is yours, as is my life, my body, my dreams. You own each and every part of me, in this lifetime and any other."
Calder smiled down at me tenderly, leaned forward, kissed my lips softly, and then pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me up to his height. I laughed and kissed him again and again, planting small kisses all over his face as he laughed, too.
"I love you, Morning Glory."
"I love you, too, Butterscotch," I said, grinning.
Calder set me back down on the ground.
"I brought something," I said.
"Show me."
I walked over to the canvas bag I had dropped by the rock entrance and brought it back to the small grassy area. I opened it and pulled out the large, white blanket that was kept in my wedding trunk. It had been sewn especially for my wedding night: a beautiful combination of wool, cotton, and linen with silvery threads woven throughout. It sparkled under the moonlight. I spread it out on the grass and then looked up at Calder who had walked over to me.
I unbuttoned my shirt slowly and let it fall off of my shoulders. Calder watched silently, his lips parting slightly when our eyes met. He removed his own shirt, tossing it aside and moving closer until we both stood just inches apart on the grass to the side of the blanket.
The water splashed softly, the foliage whispered in the warm breeze, and to me, this moment seemed holy, warm, real, and right.
We removed the rest of our clothes very slowly until we both stood naked before each other, his eyes caressing my skin, my nipples pebbling as his eyes moved over each part of me.
"You're like a goddess," Calder said softly.
I smiled a small smile, my eyes moving over him, unabashedly. I loved him, and I felt no shame. I admired his muscular arms and shoulders, his flat, ridged stomach, and the indents that formed a “V” on the inside of each hipbone. Something about those lines made my own body clench in reaction to the sight of them. They were so perfectly male, hinting at his strength. My eyes continued their journey, traveling slowly downward, over that sparse trail of dark hair that led straight to his manhood, standing stiff and rigid, straining toward me. My eyes shot upward to Calder's and he looked at me lazily, his expression dark with desire.
I remembered Hailey's instruction and went slowly down on my knees before him. Calder sucked in a breath and said my name, his voice raspy and unsure.
I noted the bandages still wrapped around his lower legs, but didn't say anything. I knew he wouldn't want me to.
I laid my cheek against his stomach and then turned my face to his skin, inhaling his scent and then leaving a slow trail of kisses before I kneeled lower. Calder's breathing became heavy and he wove his fingers through my hair.
I took his shaft in my hand and kissed the tip of it, darting my tongue out to taste him. He groaned and swelled even more in my hand and I exalted in the feeling of owning him completely in that very moment, feeling powerful and beautiful and loved.
I took the tip of him in my mouth and sucked gently and Calder gasped out my name, his fingers tightening on my scalp. He pulled away from me and I made a sound of loss as he kneeled down—just a little stiffly, I noted—and took my mouth in a deep, breathless kiss. When he finally pulled back, he looked drugged, his eyes dilated so big his normally deep brown eyes were almost black.
Calder looked at the blanket next to us and I scooted over until I was able to lie back down on it. He gazed down at me for only a beat before he moved over me and we continued kissing, his skin burning into mine. Between my legs, I was wet and needy and aching. "Calder," I groaned out. "I need you."
"I need you, too, Morning Glory," he breathed out. "But I don't want this to end either." He leaned down and kissed the place between my breasts. "I want this to last forever."
I leaned my head back and arched my back as his warm mouth closed over my nipple, sucking it gently. I felt the pulse of the pleasure between my legs as he licked the hardened peak and ran his tongue around it and then moved to the other one where the delicious torture continued. I panted out his name and wrapped my legs around his hips, pressing myself upward into the heat of his hardness. He brought his mouth off my breast and arched his neck back, groaning.
Calder rolled to the side so that his weight was on the blanket and brought one hand down and parted my thighs. I groaned out again, opening for him, and when his finger dipped inside me, a spark of pleasure shot through my core. "Oh!" I panted out, arching off the blanket. Calder put his mouth back to my breast and explored me with his fingers, finally circling the spot that made me cry out his name and move my head from side to side as delicious bliss pulsed through me.
He circled his finger there until the feeling was so intense it took over, plunging me into an abyss of bright pleasure. As my body clenched and shivered, I opened my eyes and looked up at the stars, their glow burning into my eyes, and the feeling of bliss burning into my flesh. It lit the moment from within, from without, in a way that made me feel changed forever, as if somehow that one blinding second of intense light had singed my very cells.
The thought itself seemed dramatic and fantastical, but it also seemed true and real.
I blinked at Calder as he brought his head up and kissed my lips softly, moving over me once again. When he leaned away, the strained look on his face was so intense I tilted my hips upward, offering myself to him.
My heart squeezed with love. Tonight, I was giving him my body, but he already owned my heart and soul. I wanted to belong to this beautiful man in my arms in every way possible. And I wanted him to belong to me.
"I love you, Eden," Calder said, before taking himself in his hand and guiding his hard shaft to my wet opening. His eyes held mine as he pushed slowly inside me. His lips parted, his lids dropped for just a brief moment. I closed my eyes, too, as he pushed farther. I felt overly filled, too tight to accommodate his size, and I grimaced slightly, willing my body to relax. Calder halted and my eyes flew open.
"No, please don't stop," I said.
"I'm hurting you," Calder said breathlessly.
I shook my head from side to side. "Just this time. The next time won't hurt at all. Or the time after that . . . or—"
Calder stared down at me for a beat and then grinned, the smile stunning me in its sudden beauty. "Morning Glory," he murmured, his face going serious as he leaned down and kissed me softly. Then in one stroke, he plunged all the way into me, and I broke from his mouth and arched my body back, crying out at the stab of burning, tearing pain. Calder paused for just a second before he began moving inside me very slowly, groaning into my neck. "I'm so sorry. You feel so good," he panted out, "so good."
I looked up at the night sky as Calder stroked in and out of me. The stinging sensation remained. For a few minutes, I still felt too full, too stretched, but that began to abate enough that I was able to focus on Calder above me. I stroked my hands over his smooth back, down to his firm backside, the muscles contracting as he worked his body into mine.
I knew the blissful thing that washed over me when he touched me with his fingers wasn't going to happen again, but I gloried in the feeling of his flexing muscles and the look of pleasure in his expression. He began moving faster and with less finesse. I saw the war in his face between being gentle with me and moving as his body was telling him to. I was intoxicated with the knowledge I was doing that to him; he had lost all control because of me. I encouraged it, grabbing his backside and pushing him into me at the pace I could tell he was barely holding back from. His eyes flared and then closed, and I wrapped my legs around his hips, bringing my hands up to his arms to feel those flexing muscles as he held his weight over me.
Calder leaned forward, brought his mouth to mine, and moved his tongue in my mouth to the same rhythm our bodies moved together. I felt a small spark as his chest rubbed against my nipples and relaxed completely into him, moaning into his mouth. Calder groaned back and then his thrusts grew jerky as he let out an exhalation of breath with each one. And then suddenly, he pulled out of me and I cried out softly at the unexpected loss of him.
I felt something hot and wet on my belly and Calder groaned into the side of my neck, repeating my name again and again.
I ran my hands up and down his back as we just lay there, content to stay forever in that moment, me and him, our limbs tangled together, our hearts beating as one. It had been everything I'd dreamed and more. A spike of sympathy ran through me for Hailey, for any woman who didn't experience the beauty I had just experienced with Calder.
He shifted his weight to the blanket next to me and leaned up and gazed down at my face. "You're so beautiful," he murmured, leaning down and kissing both eyelids, and then my nose, and finally my lips as I smiled and sighed out in happiness.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I nodded my head. "Better than okay. Perfect." I smiled. "The rest of them can have Elysium. I'll take this night."
Calder smiled and breathed out.
"Really," I said, bringing my hand up to his hair and running my fingers through it, "you didn't hurt me."
"Well, you destroyed me," Calder said, smiling. "I'll never be the same." Calder's face was generally carefree, but there were times like now where he would tilt his head, his eyes would close slightly, and a small crease would form on his forehead. I thought of this as his serious face. He gazed at me with that wistful, serious expression now, but it was so tender my heart felt tight in my chest. This man owns my heart.
Calder rolled to the side and we both lay there, staring up at the sky, the warm breeze blowing across our skin, and the wetness on my belly growing cool.
I reached my hand down and touched the sticky substance and then leaned up to look at it, rubbing it between my fingertips.
"I don't want you to get pregnant," Calder said. "At least not here, not now."
I nodded my head slowly, blushing. "Oh," I whispered, piecing together the way babies were made.
Calder grinned at me and then rolled on to his back, looking up at the night sky. I rolled to my side, putting my elbow on the blanket and supporting my head on my hand as I smiled at him. "I want to know all the science of it . . . eventually. Another time."
Calder turned toward me, laughing softly. "Have I mentioned recently that I love you?" he asked.
"Not recently enough. Say it again."
"I love you . . . I love you . . . I love you."
I grinned, leaned forward, and kissed him. "I love you, too."
I began rolling toward him and he rolled onto his back. I lay my body over his, burying my face in his neck and wrapping my arms up and around his neck. We lay like that for several minutes until he brought his hands down to my backside and squeezed gently. I giggled and squirmed on him and he groaned softly.
I leaned up and looked at him with amusement. "Let's wash off," I said, rolling off him and kneeling up. I looked down at the blanket where I had been laying and heat rose in my face. There were smears of blood marring the perfect white fabric. I looked back at Calder and he was looking at the blood, too, with something that looked like pride in his expression. His eyes met mine, and he blinked, seeming to realize what must be on his face as his cheekbones took on a tinge of pink and he held out his hand to me. I took it silently and we walked hand in hand to the spring where we both waded in.
When the water was up to my chest, I stopped and turned toward Calder. We stood there in the moonlight, the water sparkling around us. I brought some up over my breasts, my nipples puckering at the cool wetness. Calder's eyes lingered on me and then I dipped down in the water, dunking my head and coming back up. He laughed out loud as I stood up, sputtering water and grinning at him. Calder kneeled down on the sandy bottom and pulled me to him where he held me against him so I was at his height. We kissed and floated there for several minutes, nuzzling at each other's mouths, Calder nipping at my lower lip playfully until I laughed and threw my head back. He laughed, too, and swirled us around, the water like cool silk sliding against my bare skin.
When we stopped, Calder looked thoughtfully at me for several beats.
"What?" I whispered.
"I'm memorizing every detail of your face," he said quietly. "The next time I get to look at you close up like this, we're going to be away from here."
My heart picked up in speed and I took a deep breath. "How long?"
"Two months, maybe less."
"It will pass so slowly," I said, feeling the weight of what would be our separation press down on me.
"It will be worth it," he said. "A little more sacrifice, and we'll finally be free to be together, free to live the life we want to live."
I nodded, clasping my hands around his neck. "More sacrifice," I said. "I don't want to sacrifice anymore. I've had enough sacrifice for three lifetimes. I'm ready to live."
"I know, Morning Glory. Me, too. Just a little longer."
Calder set me down and we washed each other slowly, me glorying in his smooth skin and the way he watched my hands as they ran over the different parts of him. His breathing picked up speed when my hand wrapped around his shaft. It was already hard and it slipped between my fingers easily in the cool, clear water. "Eden," Calder  moaned.
I moved closer to him and stood up on my tiptoes to kiss his mouth as my hand continued to slide over him just under the surface.
"I love the way you feel," I murmured, breaking from his lips. "So different from me."
"I love the way you feel," he said, smiling and bringing his hands up to cup my breasts. He rubbed his thumbs over my nipples and we both watched as they hardened under his touch.
"Mmm," I sighed.
Calder jerked and swelled in my hand. "I want you again," he said, looking in my eyes, his voice sounding thick.
"Yes," I nodded, closing my own as the pleasure from his touch sent an electric spark straight between my legs.
"Are you . . . sore? I don't—"
I shook my head, stopping his words. "No, I'm not sore." I was sore, but the truth was, I wanted to be even more so. I wanted to feel Calder between my legs every time I took a step for the next two months. I wanted it as a reminder of what my sacrifice was for—why it would all be worth it in the end. In the end, Calder and I could do what we were doing anytime we wanted, without fear, without shame, without having to plan and conspire, and sneak out windows and down trails in the dead of night. Although for now, I wasn't complaining. For now, I'd take him any way I could, however I could, as many times as I could. He was mine for tonight.
Calder scooped me up and carried me out of the water as I laughed. He lay me back down on the blanket and moved between my legs. We were wet and the slight breeze chilled me, but then his warm skin was on mine and I sighed out in comfort. Calder kissed me, his mouth warm and wet and delicious. After a few minutes, we were both moaning and moving against each other, trying to get closer. How was it that Calder made my body feel heavy and full, yet too empty both at the same time? Within minutes, I was desperate to have him inside me. Was this normal? Was it normal Calder filled me with so much heady desperation? I had no way to know—no comparison—no one I could ask other than Hailey who hadn't even been comfortable talking about it. But it felt too good not to let myself enjoy it. It felt too necessary not to lose myself in the sensations Calder brought. Would the gods have created our bodies to experience so much pleasure if they didn't mean for us to? I didn't think so. I couldn't imagine the gods were that cruel, not when we were expressing our love for each other this way. And I did—I loved him. I loved him to the depths of my soul.
I felt the soft tip of Calder's shaft at my opening and I spread my legs wider to accommodate his narrow hips. He pushed inside me and we both moaned. He threaded his fingers through mine and brought both of my arms up and over my head and put his mouth on mine, licking my tongue with his own as he thrust leisurely inside me.
He took his mouth from mine and whispered, "I'm going to take it slow this time. We're going to burn every stroke, every touch, and every kiss into our skin so when we're back together, it will only then just be cooling. While we're apart, we'll still be keeping each other warm." He smiled against my mouth and I breathed out a laugh.
"Mmm," I murmured.
I loved the way he was holding my arms hostage as he stroked into me. I was being held down, but it made me feel safe and protected, because it made me realize I trusted this man with everything in me. I trusted him with my body and my heart. I trusted him with my life. I felt precious, loved.
The pleasure built as Calder leaned his head to the side and I heard and felt his breath right at my ear as his body glided slowly in and out of me, and the hard muscles of his chest rubbed against my breasts. I brought my legs up around his hips and although I still felt tender inside, he glided in and out smoothly. I felt little bolts of pleasure each time his pelvis connected with mine.
"I love this. I love you, the feel of you, the smell of you, just you," Calder panted. I smiled. I loved how words started pouring out of him sometimes when we were physically intimate. It was another way he lost control and I loved it. I pressed up into him and sighed out blissfully.
Calder brought his mouth to mine, pressing the backs of my hands down into the blanket and kissed me deeply, our tongues swirling and dancing together. I submitted entirely, and although his movements were slow and languid, the intensity built inside me until I fell over the edge, crying out into the night as bright white pleasure streaked through me, causing me to arch up off the blanket, my abdomen meeting Calder's and my breasts pressing into his chest.
When I opened my eyes, Calder was gazing down at me, eyes heavy-lidded with passion, lips just slightly parted. I watched him as his lids fluttered closed and his expression became strained with barely controlled lust. Then his strokes sped up and he thrust into me several more times before he pulled out of me—the hot, sticky substance pouring out onto my belly again—his face looking almost pained, but beautifully so. He dropped his head into the crook of my neck, groaned, and then let go of one of my hands and took his shaft in his hand as he rubbed the head of it on my belly, sighing.
I let go of his other hand and brought my arms around his back, drawing my fingernails up his arms. He leaned up and smiled at me, his eyes still sleepy-looking and kissed my lips sweetly.
"You're the most beautiful man in the whole wide world," I said.
Calder grinned, nuzzling the skin at my neck.
"Just wait until we get out in the big community. You'll see what a troll I really am. There's not a lot of competition here."
I laughed as Calder rolled off me and gathered me to him. We were both still slightly damp from the water, and now we were sticky and sweaty again, but I didn't care. I'd lay with him in the mess of us all night long.
I leaned up and put my chin on his chest and shook my head. "Uh, uh. I remember very little about the big society, but what I do know is you're not a troll anywhere."
Calder smiled and stroked my hair. I bit my lip and looked out to the spring.
"What?" he asked.
"Well, what about clothes and stuff? People don't wear what we wear here."
"Yes, I know. I see what people arrive here wearing. We'll figure all that stuff out. It's why we need a little time."
I nodded, biting my lip. "Are you afraid?"
Calder was quiet for a minute, staring up at the sky. "Sometimes. But mostly I'm filled with excitement for the future for the first time in my life." He looked down at me. "We've always lived with this great flood hanging over our heads, and, I don't know, it's hard to imagine a day when I don't use that as the compass for the way I spend each and every day. But I want that. I want to know what that feels like. I want to know what it's like to live without constantly thinking about dying."
"Even if dying's supposed to be glorious."
Calder nodded. "Yes. And maybe it is. But," he ran a hand through his hair, looking back up at the sky, "there are glorious things right here on earth, too, and I think they're meant to be enjoyed. We weren't created not to notice them . . . our hearts weren't made to not take joy in the things we've been given right here."
I snuggled into him, his skin warming me, and pulled half the blanket over my shoulders. I was so sleepy. "So you believe the great flood . . . it isn't true?" I yawned. I still didn't know exactly what I thought.
"I don't know," Calder said very quietly. "I used to believe in Hector so strongly. But he isn't the man, the leader, I always saw him as. He's not a man I want to follow any longer. And so if the floods do come, I'll take my chances with the rest of the people Hector considers sinners. I'm certainly among them in his mind anyway."
I nodded, growing sleepier, so warm and happy with Calder's arms around me.
"All I know for sure," I heard him whisper, "is that you belong to me and I'm going to protect you. I'm going to make a life for us. Somehow."
And I believed him.
The next thing I knew, Calder was shaking me gently. "Wake up, Eden, we have to get back."
I blinked and looked around, sitting up as Calder moved away from me. I oriented myself, suddenly realizing I'd be saying goodbye to him for quite some time. I stood. My breath hitched. I felt tears forming, and my chest ached. I hadn't known this pain before. "I'm going to miss you so much," I whispered.
Calder had picked up the blanket, but stopped folding it at my words. He set it down on the ground and moved toward me, wrapping me in his arms. He was already dressed and I was still nude. He hugged me to him tightly, his chin resting on the top of my head. "I love you so much, Morning Glory. Every single day we're apart, I'm going to be planning our life. It will get me through, and you remember that, too, when it gets hard. When wedding plans are going on around you, when you see Hector treating me like a dog, you remember I am planning our life and doing everything I can to make that happen. And I swear to you, we will leave here."
I nodded my head. "Okay."
Calder tilted my chin up with his finger and gazed into my eyes. "My brave girl," he smiled, "I won't worry about you because you are so strong. I'll know you're fine."
I nodded, resolve filling me. "I will be fine. I'll be strong and I will wait for that dumb call from Xander telling me to meet you right here."
Calder chuckled and pulled me back toward him. "It is a dumb bird call. Humor him though. He's pretty proud of it."
I grinned against his chest and we held each other for another minute, until I pulled away, and began pulling my clothes back on.
After I was dressed and the blanket was put back in the bag, I almost swung it over my shoulder, but thought better of it and set it down behind me between the rocks where the sketchpad was still kept. There was no reason to carry it with me back up the tree and across the roof. I turned back to Calder and smiled at him. "I'll see you here soon, very soon," I whispered.
"Yes," he said, "very soon." He took my face in his hands and kissed my lips softly and then rubbed his nose along mine tenderly. I kissed him one last time and turned to leave. I ducked through the opening in the rocks and hiked up the trail, knowing Calder would be behind me in a few minutes. I wondered if he'd leave the unlit candles where they were or take them back with him. I pictured somebody stumbling upon our little spring years and years from now, when we were long gone, and wondering what had gone on there, what it all meant. I couldn't help smiling to myself. Only he and I knew the story. It was only ours.
I climbed the tree easily and then tiptoed softly across the roof back to my window that I had left open just a crack. I pushed it up slowly, pausing when it creaked softly. When I didn't hear another sound, I opened it all the way and climbed through. Two minutes later, I was changed and in my bed.
The next morning, the only clues the beautiful night at the spring with Calder hadn't been a dream, were the delicious smell of him still on my skin and the glorious ache between my legs.