Becoming Calder

CHAPTER NINETEEN


Eden



I felt like my heart had shattered into a million jagged pieces. I couldn't go to Calder, I couldn't offer comfort, I couldn't hold him or take away any of his sadness. And I grieved for the girl I'd never know, the girl who had such a large piece of Calder's heart. I saw the stark misery written all over his face, a look of sheer devastation. Yet he wouldn't look at me. I didn't want to be selfish; this wasn't about me. But I didn't understand why Calder avoided my eyes when I attempted to get him to look at me. I was hurt and confused and I felt completely helpless.
I thought about writing a note and leaving it in the bushes in front of the main lodge for Xander, but I knew he wouldn't come looking for it and it would sit there, possibly creating the risk of being found by someone else. And so I wandered through the days—existing as best as I could—praying for the hours to pass by more quickly, to bring me closer to the day when I would hear that bird call outside my window.
Every morning, I had a moment of peace before the hole inside would start throbbing and I would remember even though Calder was close, he was so very far away.
Hailey hadn't spoken to me since our conversation about me being in love with Calder. It sat heavy in my heart; I had lost her, too. Despite what she believed, I loved her. Not quite like a mother, but like an older sister, or an aunt, and her rejection stung.
Three weeks after Maya's burial, Hector called me down to his office, and I knocked quietly.
"Come in," he called in his deep voice, and I entered the room.
Hector motioned me to a chair in front of his desk. I sat down and crossed my legs at the ankles, my hands resting in my lap. I couldn't help but notice Hector looked more unkempt than I'd ever seen him look before. Hector had always been meticulous in his grooming. But today his hair was uncombed, his shirt slightly untucked, and there was a small piece of food at the corner of his mouth.
It was so unusual it alarmed me.
Hector leaned back in his chair, regarding me with a small smile on his face. "I hear your bridal gown is coming along nicely."
I looked down. "Yes, my veil is complete. It's lovely. Of course, it means all the more that I have something handmade by Maya Raynes."
Hector was quiet for a minute. "Yes, Maya Raynes." He looked out the window thoughtfully. "Even the gods make mistakes sometimes. It's up to us to create balance. It pleases them. It makes us worthy."
My eyes flew to his. "Mistakes?"
Hector raised his eyebrows. "Surely you noticed the mistake Maya Raynes was?"
I blinked at him, sadness and anger rising in my chest. "I didn't see Maya as a mistake," I said. "She was a beautiful, talented girl."
Hector regarded me. "You're very generous with your praise, Eden, a lovely trait. It never ceases to amaze me how very pure you are."
You know nothing of me, I thought. You're blind to who I am.
I looked down at my hands, wanting nothing more than to leave Hector's office. "What can I do for you, Father?"
"First, stop calling me Father. Call me Hector now as I've already asked you."
I cleared my throat. "Yes, Hector."
"Good. Now speaking of Maya Raynes, I have some good news. Her brother, Calder Raynes will be married in the Temple a little over a month from now. I'd schedule it sooner, but the workers need a little time to prepare a proper wedding."
My heart dropped into my feet and my eyes flew to Hector. "What?" I croaked out.
Hector looked to his left, out the large window. "You're going to be my wife, Eden, in this life and the one after. As the leader of Acadia, I won't seek your council. But you are allowed to know my reasons, and especially on this matter, I think it prudent that you do."
I sat silent, still trying to wrap my brain around what Hector had just said. Surely this was some kind of mistake, trick? "Married to whom, Fa—Hector?" My throat felt like it was closing up.
"To Hannah Jacobson. She was born here, just like Calder. She's only seventeen, but her father has consented to her marriage."
I conjured a vision of Hannah . . . the small, dark-haired girl with the pretty smile who had caused me a moment of intense jealousy the year before. I sat up straighter. "And why are you telling me about this?" I asked. Hector had never called me to his office to tell me about the unions of the workers before.
Hector steepled his fingers and regarded me for a minute. "When I built Acadia, it was my vision that this be a place of peace and harmony for those who chose to make their home. The lucky ones are the ones who don't have to adjust to life here. It's all they've ever known. However, what I neglected to consider is that young men, especially, need continued purpose. I tried to give Calder Raynes that by appointing him my personal water bearer, but that didn't work and I excused him from that position. I don't often make mistakes, but I've watched him grow increasingly dissatisfied with Acadia. I've watched him stray from our righteous path. And if Calder, a boy," he paused, "no, a man now, whom many other boys look up to, begins to stray, what will that do? It will cause them to consider straying as well. The balance here, the harmony, will cease to exist. Clearly, our family can't have that if we're to stay intact, strong, and free of sin. Do you agree, Eden?"
I stared at him. I clasped my hands in my lap, attempting to control the trembling. "I just don't understand what marriage has to do with this, Hector?" I looked down.
"Marriage and family, they focus a man, give him purpose, something bigger than himself. The gods have spoken to me and they have made it clear it's what Calder Raynes needs." He paused, a storm passing over his face. "Him especially. He has sin and evil in him, Eden. You have no idea." He paused, his expression going neutral again. "It's my job to care for my family, and although Calder has disappointed me, it's my duty to help him back onto the righteous path. I believe a wife will do that. I suggested it to him, and he agreed."
I swallowed. "He agreed?" I whispered.
"Yes, he did, quite enthusiastically so."
"But . . . his sister just died," I said, feeling bile rise up in my throat. Please don't let me be sick right here. This couldn't be right. This was all some kind of mistake. Calder was taking me and leaving here. He wasn't marrying someone else. Calder loved me. Doubt crept in. Had Maya's death done something to Calder's commitment to leave here with me? Dread settled in my belly, and a heavy lump rose up my throat.
Hector nodded, tapping the pads of his fingers together. "Yes, all the more reason to give him the purpose he obviously craves . . . to help him value his family more, rather than his own selfish motives." Hector glanced out the window again, narrowing his eyes and looking up at the sky, and then back toward me. "His sister's death may have been just the thing to make Calder realize how far he'd veered off course." Hector stood up. "In any case, we should meet more often about Acadian business, my love. It will bring us closer, especially as the flood draws near." As he looked back at me, he smiled. I stared at the small piece of food to the side of his mouth, unblinking.
"Well, then," he said, clearly excusing me.
I stood up on shaky legs. "Have a good day, Hector," I said, turning and leaving his office.
I could barely walk. I could barely breathe. I needed to talk with Calder, to know what he was thinking. Does he still love me? Want me? Was he somehow blaming himself for Maya's death? Oh, Calder. I need you.

**********

I watched Calder pledge his engagement vows to Hannah Jacobson two days later as all of Acadia stood in the Temple. I felt like I was hovering just outside my body, a lump in my throat so big I could barely swallow. Once again, Calder wouldn't look at me, although my heart leapt with hope when I saw the morning glory pinned to his shirt. Had he done that for me? I had no way of knowing, and no way of talking to him. Was he going along with this because he was being forced to in some way? Why hadn't he sent me a message of some sort? Didn't he know this was killing me inside? He had to.
Calder's face was blank. I couldn't read it. But Hannah looked serene and happy, a wreath of flowers in her hair. I watched her as she glanced repeatedly at Calder, a shy look of appreciation on her face. Of course. Who wouldn't appreciate looking at Calder?
My heart throbbed with jealousy when I watched them together. They really were a lovely couple, both with their dark, glossy hair; she was small and petite and he was tall and strong. I wanted to scream.
After Hector performed the commitment ceremony, Calder leaned forward and kissed Hannah chastely on her cheek. I looked away, misery clouding my vision.
We all filed out of the Temple, the rest of the people chatting and laughing, ready for the celebratory feast. Hector took my arm and started leading me back to the main lodge. I turned my head and craned my neck, attempting to look at Calder one last time, but there were so many people in my way, on every side, I couldn't see him. He is mine, all of him, every part, I reminded myself. We vowed it to each other beside our spring, under the light of a full moon. I suddenly couldn't stand all the people, the close confines of the Temple. Fierce anger filled me, and I broke free of Hector's arm. I walked ahead for a few steps before Hector caught up to me, grabbing my arm.
As I spun around, that's when I caught Calder's eye, standing still, watching me between two groups of people who were standing still and chatting. For just a brief flash, I saw the wild look in his eyes as he took in Hector's hand on my arm. But he didn't move. And then Hannah came to stand beside him and his eyes broke from mine as he looked down at her and smiled. Possessiveness assaulted me. His smiles are for me. I didn't have much, but I had those. They were my everything.
"I don't feel well," I said to Hector, still looking behind him. "I need to lie down."
Hector looked at me, a knowing look coming into his eyes. "Yes, of course you do. Go rest. Rebalance yourself. I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow morning."
I turned and walked away, back to the main lodge. I couldn't help but note in all the years I'd been in Acadia, it was the first time I'd been allowed to walk anywhere publicly by myself. I supposed it was not only because Hector sensed I needed time to myself in my own room, but because there was nowhere else I could go.
I'll kill Hector in his sleep tonight, I thought wildly as I ran up the small slope to the main lodge. Every minute of misery in my life was because of him. But when I got inside and closed the door behind me, and stood breathing hard against the wall, the idea seemed desperate and stupid. And I didn't think I had the heart to kill anyone, even Hector.
In my room, I lay down on my bed and curled into the pain. If Calder married, how would things work out for us? Even if we were able to leave, Calder would be married to someone else. Didn't he have a duty to take care of her? Could he just leave her here when we left?
If I were married to Hector though, it wouldn't stop me from leaving. Calder was doing what he had to do and I had to trust him. Be strong, Morning Glory.
I skipped dinner and went to bed early, so emotionally exhausted I could barely stand. Surprisingly, sleep claimed me easily and I sunk gratefully into her dark nothingness.
The next thing I knew, the gentle patter of rain was hitting my window. I rolled over and tried to drift back to sleep, but the particularly hard pinging of a drop hitting a particular surface, kept me from falling back into my dream. I groaned and put the pillow over my head, but the pinging every few seconds continued.
For a minute, I let the memories of watching Calder pledge his commitment to someone else assault me, feeling the hole in my chest open up again. Now I'd never fall back to sleep. I'd lie here all night imagining Calder and Hannah sharing the same bed . . . eventually.
Ping!
I stayed in bed for a few minutes, listening. The pinging stopped, so I threw back my blankets, put my feet on the floor, rubbing my eyes and standing to look out the window. I startled and clamped my hands over my mouth when I saw a form right outside, looking in at me. As my eyes widened, I saw it was Calder. For the love of the gods!
I hurriedly opened my window and grabbed onto his shirt, pulling him inside. He climbed over my desk and stepped to the floor, a puddle already pooling beneath him.
"What are you doing?" I hissed, closing the window.
"I had to see you."
I stood back. "We promised not to risk this."
Calder breathed out. "I know, but Eden, after today, I had to see you. You know I had no choice."
My shoulders sagged. "What did he do to you?"
Calder ran his hand through his hair, droplets spraying out around him.
"He told me to leave here or marry Hannah."
"Then why didn't you leave?" I whispered miserably. "Maybe that would be the better thing to do. You could have gone ahead and waited for me and Xander—"
"With a hundred and something dollars? I've never even met the girl who's going to help us." He stepped closer and cupped my face in his hands. "I can't leave you here, Eden. I did what I had to do to stay near you. And maybe this way," he looked away for a second and then back to me, "Hector's attention will be off us even more. I made it sound like I thought it was a good idea."
"You didn't even look at me," I said, tears filling my eyes. "Not once did you even look my way."
"I couldn't. Hector was watching me like a hawk. And if I had looked at you, my feelings would have been all over my face. And I knew," he took my chin in his fingers and tilted my face up to his, "I knew you were being strong, Morning Glory. I knew you trusted I wouldn't be going through with any of this if it wasn't for us."
"It just made me wonder . . . it made me wonder, if you wonder what it would be like . . ." I shook my head, exasperated with myself for being so tongue-tied.
Calder tipped my chin up with his pointer finger. "Then ask me, Morning Glory. All you ever have to do is ask me."
My heart flipped as I stared up into the dark beauty of his eyes, those ridiculously long eyelashes. "Do you wonder what it would be like to be with another woman?" I asked.
"No," he said. "I've never wanted anyone except you. Not for one second, not ever."
I released a breath. "Thank you." I looked down, biting my lip. Relief flooded my chest. Calder was stronger than I gave him credit for. I almost felt sorry for Hannah. She wouldn't be able to help but love him, even if only a little. I didn't want to wish her pain, but I couldn't bear for her to be with Calder in any way physically. "I just . . . there has to be something we can do . . . if you get married—"
Calder shook his head. "The only person I'll ever marry is you."
I furrowed my brow. "How will you avoid it? Can we leave sooner?"
He brought his hand up and massaged the back of his neck. "If we have to. It doesn't make me feel very secure in our plan. But yeah, if we have to."
"I'll be ready anytime."
"I know," Calder said, taking my hand and leading me to my bed. Outside the rain came down harder.
"Does Hector ever check on you?"
I bit my lip. "He checked on me once, but I don't think he will anymore. Hector put a lock on the outside of my door a few days ago. I'm not sure why."
Calder studied me for a second. "Bars will go up on your window once he contemplates the fact you're brave enough to scale the roof."
I let out a very quiet laugh. "Or that you're stupid enough to scale the roof."
Calder grinned. "I think he simply believes we've caught each other's eye, nothing more."
I nodded, but didn't mention how I'd confided in Hailey. That hadn't been smart. I had just thought for a brief moment she might help us. But she hadn't.
Calder looked at me seriously. "Just the fact that I've looked at you has made him crazy though, Eden. This," he moved his eyes around my room, indicating where he was, "is truly stupid. I just couldn't stand you not knowing what I was thinking. It was killing me."
"You could have sent a note somehow . . . some way."
"Yes, I could have. It would have been smarter." He gazed at me, his eyes roaming over my face as if in the last month, he had forgotten what I looked like.
"Yes," I agreed. I should make him leave. But he was right in front of me, his hair slicked all the way back from his gorgeous face, droplets still shimmering on his skin, and the male smell of him invading the air around me, making me want to close my eyes and inhale deeply.
And I understood the frantic feeling of needing to offer comfort to the one you loved, against all reason, all rational thought.
I put one hand up to his cheek and he closed his eyes and turned into it. "I'm so, so sorry about Maya," I whispered, tears immediately pricking my eyes. "I wanted so desperately to come to you."
A look of pain crossed Calder's features and he allowed it to remain there. Something about that made me fierce with protectiveness. He loved and trusted me enough to bare his pain to me. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him. He turned his face into my neck and just breathed as I rubbed his back and turned to kiss his cheek again and again.
When I leaned back, Calder said, "It was so sudden. I didn't have time to prepare." He leaned back up. "It still doesn't seem real. I wondered if the gods were punishing me for what we did."
I bit my lip. "By causing Maya's death?" I shook my head. "Are the gods that cruel?"
Calder sighed out. "I don't think so but I have no proof."
I let out a breath and looked down at my nightgown-covered lap. "When we get out of here, I'll find you proof. I'll study every piece of information available until I find you proof."
Calder smiled a small, sad smile. "My Morning Glory."
We stared at each other for a minute until Calder's eyes finally moved down my body. "So this is what you sleep in?"
I looked down at the long, white nightgown and nodded my head slowly, suddenly feeling self-conscious. "I'll wear something nicer when we sleep together," I said, feeling like a child in the modest, unattractive piece of nightwear. I knew women in the outside world showed skin sometimes. I very vaguely remembered wrapping my own arms around my mothers bare legs, her skirt just touching her knees, as she smiled and looked down at me. It seemed like a dream now.
Calder shook his head slowly, a look of heat coming into his eyes. "No, I love it. You're like a present I have to unwrap." One side of his lips quirked up. There it was. My smile.
"What do you wear to sleep in?" I asked.
Calder smiled. "Far more than I'll be wearing when I sleep with you," he said, grinning and leaning forward to kiss my neck. I leaned my head back, moaning softly.
"Calder . . ." I started, glancing back at my door. "We promised we'd be careful until we can leave . . . the sacrifice will all be—"
"I know," Calder whispered against my skin. "I'll leave in a second. Just another taste of you and I'll go."
"Mmm," I murmured as his lips feathered against my neck, sending a bolt of arousal straight between my legs. "The rain's stopping. You need to go," I said, running my fingers through his hair and pulling him back slightly.
Calder brought his head up and gave me his full beauty. I stared in his lust-filled eyes, his lips barely parted. With everything in me, I wanted to kiss those lips until I was dizzy and breathless. But Hector was right down the hall, and if we were caught, it would ruin everything.
Calder took my hands, stood up, and held me against him tightly. "I hate saying goodbye to you."
I nuzzled my face into his chest and then tipped my head back and looked up at him. "Just promise me once we get out of here, we'll never say goodbye again."
"I promise."
He leaned down and kissed me softly on my lips, and then I walked him to the window. It was just drizzling softly now. "Don't slip," I said, worriedly, eyeing the slick roof outside.
"I won't." He kissed me one last time, quickly, and then climbed through the window. I closed it behind me, watching him until he moved around the corner of the roof and disappeared into the rain.
I mopped up the water on my floor with a blanket at the end of my bed and then got back under my covers, feeling relieved yet still unsettled. I closed my eyes and said a prayer to the God of Mercy. He would always be my favorite.