The Battered Heiress Blues

10





Three weeks had passed with no communication. I’d kept my sadness under wraps fairly well, putting on a cheery face when others were around. If Kate was speaking to Henry, she wasn’t letting me in on it. Maybe this was at his request or maybe she was being merciful to me. Either way, there was a hole in my heart that I couldn’t seem to fill with shopping or redecorating.

I tried to keep busy in an effort to distract myself from the overwhelming sense of loss I was feeling. I took on the task of cleaning the house from top to bottom, scrubbing the old hardwood floors on my hands and knees, while continuously replaying our argument over and over again in my mind as I scrubbed. The What ifs began to creep into my thoughts: What if I didn’t say this or that?; What if I said I love you back and left it at that?; and What if I didn’t place blame at his feet- the man that always stood by me? When I was alone, my game face disappeared. I discovered that the hurt was hiding just under the surface, available to me at a moment’s notice.

I finally halted my assault on the wood, long enough to have a good cry and a loud scream. One scream turned into another and I found myself at my bedside table looking at the man in charge of my misery. Before I had time to make a better decision, the frame flew out of my hand and hit the dresser mirror. I pulled the picture out from under the broken glass and tried to tear it, but something within me couldn’t do it. Hope was still lurking around. I hate hope.

Kate had been spending every other weekend with Gabe, when Mattie was away at his mom’s house. My home was feeling more like a bed and breakfast, but I didn’t mind. Sure, I was a tiny bit jealous. They were happy. Their conversations were precious. They had chemistry. I had sour grapes. I was working on my attitude.

Four weeks passed and no cards or calls. I started calling Henry’s home phone when I knew that he’d be at work, just to hear his voice. I never left a message and hoped that he wasn’t checking his caller ID. We were playing chicken. I wouldn’t be the first to surrender. This was all a test.

Kate was undergoing a test of her own. Gabe’s mom had come down to spend the month with him and Mattie. She was worried about making a good impression, but I knew that Kate was a hard person not to like. As it turned out, she could have been on the FBI most wanted list and Momma Martin would have still adored her. Gabe had moped around for so long that his showing interest in any woman made Ms. Martin the happiest mother in America. Seeing Kate with Mattie sealed the deal for her. She and Kate had become fast friends which in turn made Gabe happy. Everyone was happy, but me. I was starting to get on my own nerves.

Kate had been under the weather for several days. In caring for her, I’d become sick as well. I was surprised that Gabe wasn’t coming down with it, considering all their kissing- in front of me- like teenagers. We quarantined ourselves in my room, away from Mattie. Ms. Martin made us some delicious chicken soup to cure what ailed us. We were a sight. Luckily, our fevers cycled together. We threw the covers off and replaced them at precisely the same time. We were the cleanest sick women in the history of the world. Since we couldn’t breathe, we’d spend most of the day and night in my steam shower, wearing our bathing suits and drinking Gatorade. I was selfishly enjoying being sick with her since we rarely saw each other anymore. We reminisced about college life and had many healing laughs. She began to improve and left me. That was becoming a recurring theme.

I was starting to get over my head and chest cold, but my stomach had other dastardly plans. Most everything I ate came back up looking exactly the same as when I ate it. I was withering away and felt weak. Kate wanted to call Henry and tell him, but that was ridiculous. I obviously needed to reign in my need to be rescued. She did the next best thing- she called Tommy. He threatened to come for a week if I didn’t go to the doctor. Considering my options, I agreed.

Gabe called and made an appointment with a physician he knew in town. I didn’t have much choice about accepting his charitable act, but I wasn’t about to let them accompany me as they had hoped. I called back and changed my appointment to an earlier time.

I took a shower before leaving for the doctor. I considered drying my hair and applying makeup, but I just couldn’t bring myself to put forth the effort. I threw on a pair of sweats, my flip-flops, and was out the door. My head was pounding. My stomach was killing me. This virus should have already run its course.

I followed Gabe’s directions and managed not to get lost. After parking, I sat in my car deciding whether or not I really needed to go in. The only thing that made me get out of the car was the fact that Gabe would check up on me. Plus, Kate had made herself in charge of filling my prescriptions. She probably wouldn’t buy that he didn’t write for any medicine, with how I looked.

The office was crowded. People were coughing. I could just picture their germ droplets landing on my face which made me queasy. The chairs were made of fake tan leather slings and were extremely uncomfortable. I signed in and took the only seat left. I was sandwiched between two men. One was wearing a bottle of cologne and the other kept sneezing. I quickly filled out the three pages of paperwork, hoping that it would expedite my exodus into the promised land of the back office. The doctor now knew everything about me that I did. I returned the clip board and was about to collapse in the chair when the nurse called my name.

She led me to a room and instructed me to put on a gown and get on the examining table. I didn’t. I couldn’t see the point of removing my clothes when I was already freezing. I laid it back on the table and sat in the chair against the wall. She returned to take my vital signs and gave me that look. I had joined the ranks of the other sick and uncooperative patients making her job a nightmare. After jamming a long cotton ball on a stick down my throat, she regurgitated the answers I had written down on the questionnaire. She gave me a cup for a urine sample, instructed me where to leave it, showed me to the restroom, and told me to go back to the exam room when the task was completed. It was a lot of information to remember, but I complied, hoping to make it on the good patients’ list in case she had to give me an injection.

The doctor came in, and thankfully, was not handsome in any way. No one needs a hot doctor seeing their bodies, especially when they’re sick. All doctors should be ugly. He was nice. After the exam, he left the room to get my strep test results. He came back in with a smile on his face which made me feel more at ease. He could write me a script and I would be on my way.

“Ms. Spencer, when was your last menstrual period?”

“I’m not sure. I just lost my son in June.”

“You haven’t had a period since then?”

Whoa. Wait one minute. It was the end of August. Holy shit.

“Holy shit. Sorry. Sorry. I’ve had a lot going on. I haven’t really thought about periods.”

He flipped through the forms I had filled out earlier while I took the opportunity to have a private mini-panic attack.

“Since the beginning of June, you haven’t had one…from what you wrote in the medical questionnaire?”

“Yes. Why?”

“We need to take some blood. When it comes back, we’ll have a quantitative result which will give me a better idea of how far along you are, but the urine test is positive. You’re definitely pregnant.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Have you had physical relations with a man since early June?”

“That’s not the point. There must be some mistake…with the test. You should run it again,” I demanded, motioning towards the door. “The doctor in Peru said that this kind of thing wouldn’t be easy. Maybe the test got switched.”

“There’s no mistake. You’re pregnant.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“So, the throwing up…”

“…is pregnancy related. Do you have an obstetrician in mind?”

“Do you have a shrink in mind?”

He started laughing.

“I’m not kidding,” I said most sincerely.

“This is a lot for you to take in right now- it’s understandable. Do you have someone I can call for you?”

“No. No one can know about this.”

“With your history, you’ll need to be monitored very closely. You’ll be considered high risk.

“Which means what exactly?”

“You’ll be seeing a lot of your obstetrician over the next eight months.”

I just shook my head. This was all a little much. I never thought that I would conceive again, especially this close to having lost Connor.

“I’m going to write a prescription for some vitamins that you should start taking immediately. We’ll run some hormone levels and forward the results to Dr. Brandon. He’s very nice and deals exclusively with high risk patients like you. Manage your stress level, eat healthy, and get lots of sleep. I’ll have my office call you this afternoon with an appointment time for Dr. Brandon. His office is in this building on the 4th floor.”

“Your staff can’t call my home.” I pointed to my chart. “Write that down. I have a lot of visitors these days and I’m not ready to share this information. Please scratch out my home phone and circle my cell phone for the contact number.”

“Relax, Julia. We’re not allowed to release your information to anyone without your permission. It’s a HIPAA violation.”

“Yeah…and I’m a lawyer so be sure your staff understands that.”

“Okay. I’ll do that. Someone will be coming in to draw your blood.”

“Great.”

I paid for the visit and somehow made it out to my car. After turning on the ignition, I started the air conditioner and just sat there, in shock. Henry and I always wanted to have children, but not now, with how things were between us. I couldn’t call him. What would I say? I hate you and guess what…I’m having your baby? Never.

Finally concluding that sitting in the parking lot wasn’t going to solve anything; I drove on to the pharmacy and purchased the vitamins. Discarding the bag when I cleared the store, I buried them deep in the bottom of my purse, away from prying eyes. When I returned to the car, I pulled out my cell and stared at it for a long time. Who should I call? Tommy. I phoned and got his voice mail to which I left a 9-1-1 message about getting to Savannah with great speed. He was a worrier. I knew the message would get him to me quickly. I just couldn’t break the news to him over the phone.

No one was home when I returned. Kate had left a note on the kitchen table that she had gone to horse therapy with Gabe and Mattie. I was thankful. I couldn’t play twenty questions when I didn’t have any of the answers.

Today was a hot Savannah day. I took the pitcher of iced tea and cut lemons from the fridge. Once poured, I realized, as I raised the glass to my lips that it was caffeinated. Pouring it down the drain, I found a bottle of cold water and walked out the door for some solace in the chapel.

The inside was plain again. All the ridiculous candelabras and white roses were gone. The stain glass radiated beautiful colors as the sun shone through them. I sat in the same first pew and put my water at my feet. My hands found my belly and I rubbed it, remembering the last time life grew within me. I should have been happy, but I was stuck. I wanted to rejoice that God blessed me again, but all I could say, with tears running down my tired face was, “Just give me my Connor back.”

Gabe’s truck was parked in front of the house when I returned. I had to mask my emotions; which weren’t hard to do, considering that I couldn’t possibly identify what any of them were yet. They were hanging out in the family room, off the kitchen, watching cartoons with Mattie. Kate was relieved to see me.

“Where have you been? What did the doctor say?”

“-At the chapel. -Virus. I’ll be fine.”

“Medicine?”

“No medicine. It’s not bacterial. You just have to suffer with viruses.” I put my arms out like Jesus on the cross and Kate threw a pillow at me.

“You’re so dramatic.”

“There will be suffering. There will be a lot more throwing up, I can assure you.”

“How long?”

“A few more weeks at least- until my stomach warms up to the notion of food again.”

“Tommy called. He was freaking out about some message you left him saying something was the matter. Why did you do that? You know he’s a ninny.”

“-Weak moment. I just really needed someone to talk to.”

“Hello. I’m here.”

“I know. It’s nothing. Really. It’s spiritual junk- more Tommy’s thing.”

“Sure?”

I nodded my head and opened my eyes wide so she’d know I was annoyed with the interrogation. I sat down next to Mattie and squeezed him tightly. The therapist working with him on sensory integration told us to increase the intensity with which we hugged him.

“Hi Little Man. How are you? How was the horse riding?” I wanted to get Kate out of the house so I had time to digest my news. “Why don’t you and Gabe get lost for a couple of hours and leave us be?”

“Yeah?” Gabe hadn’t had adult time with Kate in a few days, since her recovery.

“Who needs yah? Hit the road. Mattie and I have plans.”

They looked at each other and smiled. Kate excused herself to freshen up which left me to fend off Gabe’s inquiry.

“What’s the matter Julia? You’re acting weird.”

“I’m always weird.” My eyes didn’t break from viewing the television.

“-Can’t argue with that, but you’re a little weirder than usual.”

I looked at him with the cat that ate the canary type of grin.

“Alright copper…you’ve got me…I’m hiding something.”

“I knew it. That’s why I’m the cop.”

I leaned toward him and hushed my voice as if I was about to divulge a bit of juicy news.

“Do you want to know what it is?” I whispered.

He nodded, leaning in.

“Kate’s in love with you.”

He shook his head and rolled his eyes as Kate walked back into the room.

“Am I interrupting something?”

“No. Gabe was just telling me that he loves…”

“Let’s go Kate.”

He gave me an irritated look, kissed Mattie, and they abruptly left. Me, and Mattie, and baby Henry were alone at last. Mattie and I lined up a bucket of cars and then tore into the band in a box I had bought him at the toy store. I wasn’t sure if the noise would upset him, but he genuinely seemed to like the wooden instrument with the mallet. He had rhythm. I danced around the room to his beat and he took to following me after awhile. We were the soul train. Later, I put on some blues and we relaxed on the couch. My fatigue was kicking in and we fell asleep together.

Gabe woke me when he moved my arm out from around Mattie. He whispered that he was taking him home and thanked me. Kate entered as he left, with a bowl of homemade chicken soup, left by Momma Martin. She was on her way home to Tybee Island and sent me well wishes for a speedy recovery. -If she only knew. I had eight long months to go. Kate picked up where she left off with the Spanish Inquisition.

“Tommy called and left a message on the machine saying that he was on his way. Why is he coming? What’s going on? You’re acting weird.”

My cell phone rang, interrupting her quizzical tone. I motioned for her to stop talking while I answered the call.

“I better get this.”

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead.”

The doctor’s office was calling to apprise me of my OBGYN appointment. All I could do was be as nonchalant about the information being given to me as possible.

“Who was that?”

“The doctor’s office lost my blood sample. They asked me to come back in tomorrow.”

“I thought it was a virus- you were fine?”

“It is. I am. They just want to make sure it’s viral and not bacterial.”

“Oh. Okay. Do you want me to go?”

“No. Tommy will be here. You know how he is.”

“Over protective?”

“Yes. He’ll want to go with me. I couldn’t handle both of your neurotic behaviors at the same time.”

“You are feeling better- back to being sassy.”

She plopped down next to me and I felt too exhausted to endure anymore deep conversation about how I was or why I was acting so weird.

“Did you and Gabe…ya know?”

“Why?”

“Have you showered?”

“Not yet. I will. I’m going to.”

“I don’t want all that on my furniture.”

“You’re so crass.”

“I’m honest. Go shower.”

Kate left and I felt relieved. I hated not wanting her around, but I hated lying to her more. I inhaled the chicken soup and crackers and should have stopped there. Gabe’s mom had also sent a piece of chocolate cake, which was irresistible. I instantly regretted the decision to indulge. Within ten minutes, I was running to the guest bath to vomit. Bye-bye dinner. Hello bland food.