23. CLARITY
My heart felt like it was in overdrive the entire way to Asheville, as I rehearsed my speech to him over and over in my head. Everything was so crystal clear that I wondered how it ever seemed so muddy. I parked the car and boldly walked to his front door. It was finally time to do this.
It took me knocking three different times before Jake finally answered the door. He looked tense and agitated, like he had just spent hours pacing the floors. It took him a second to register it was me, and then he pulled me into his arms tightly while he shut the door behind us when his foot. He buried his face in my hair as he held on to me.
“Where have you been? I’ve been going out of my mind! I’ve called you a million times. I went to your apartment twice. Baby, you can’t do that to me,” he exclaimed as he pulled back to look at me.
I shrugged and pulled away from his embrace. “I needed to get some things worked out in my head,” I explained.
He wasn’t satisfied not touching me, and reached out to take my hand in his while he whispered, “And?”
I looked at him clearly, taking in the face that had haunted my dreams since the day we met. I felt every emotion that I had buried, and the anger, the hurt and the love I had once felt for him came rushing back. “You hurt me,” I stated with more force than I intended.
He could see the tears in my eyes and pulled me closer to him. “I know,” he whispered, his voice full of regret.
“You devastated me,” I clarified, my voice a little softer this time.
It was as if my words were physically hurting him as I said them, but he only responded by pulling me closer and running his hand over my cheek. “I know.”
I wasn’t finished. He had to know how I felt. I was tired of hiding, tired of letting everything pass with a smile. “I gave you everything, trusted you explicitly, and you shattered my heart into a million pieces. And worse, you turned around and tied my hands together so I couldn’t even pick them up.”
He finally let go and ran his fingers through his hair in exasperation. “Avery, I know!” He came back to me quickly after saying that and took my face in his hands. “I didn’t want to love you,” he whispered. “But, I couldn’t let you go, because I think I always knew, deep down, you were it for me.”
I took his hands off my face and held them firmly in mine. “Jake…someone did want to love me, and he meticulously picked up every piece of my shattered heart and put it back together with such care and precision that now it’s stronger than it’s ever been.”
His face looked sad as he pulled me close to him, wrapping my arms around his waist as he started to caress my face once more. “I see that. I see how strong you’ve become. I see that you and I are exactly where we need to be to make this work. It’s the first time in my life I’m looking forward to my future. I promise you, Avery, this time I will handle that heart with so much more care.”
Somehow the conversation had turned and I was standing there in Jake’s arms as he leaned in to place a soft kiss on my lips. He pulled back smiling, knowing he had won, but I didn’t want this. The blinders were off, and I knew without question that his arms were the last place I wanted to be.
“Jake,” I said, putting my hands on his chest and stopping him as he came in for a deeper kiss. “I didn’t come here to talk about our future…I came to finally say goodbye to the past.”
My words took a minute to register, but when they did, he grabbed my wrists and pulled me back to him, pinning my body between himself and the wall. His demeanor had shifted so quickly that I froze in stunned silence as he spoke to me.
“You don’t mean it; you’re confused and scared, because you don’t trust me anymore. I get it. It’s all I thought about last night, because I knew he’d manipulate you into making the wrong choice.”
His voice sounded desperate as he leaned against me, nuzzling my neck with is lips as he spoke. His body weight was crushing and my heart started to race as I felt my breathing become labored. He took my reaction as encouragement and started kissing my jawline as he spoke.
“You’ve just forgotten,” he purred. “Forgotten how great we are, how much you love me.” He paused for just as second, and then continued, “I love you, Avery, you have to know that; I’ll never let you down again.”
With those last words, he pressed his lips to mine, forcing them open as he imposed his body on mine. When I didn’t respond, he got more eager and more aggressive, squeezing my wrist to the point where they started to throb. I moved underneath him, trying to get any space I could. Butterflies surged in my stomach, but not because it felt good or exciting, but because it felt wrong, so wrong that I somehow found the strength to turn my head enough to stop the kiss and mumble, “Jake, stop…you’re hurting me.”
His body went rigid as he set his forehead on the wall behind us. “And what do you think you’re doing to me?” he asked, his voice cracking as he did so.
He slowly began to loosen his grip as I felt the blood rush back to my fingers, bringing relief and pain at the same time. He backed away from me, allowing my lungs to take in a full breath of air, and slumped over to the couch to sit down.
I took a deep breath, calming my beating heart and sat down next to him, taking his hand in mine. “I fell in love with him,” I said softly, hoping those words would explain it all.
“You used to be in love with me,” he stated flatly, looking up at me with his piercing green eyes.
“I was obsessed with you, Jake…so much so that I allowed it to infiltrate every aspect of my life. I would have been anything you wanted me to be, done anything you asked of me, just to be with you. Even if it meant losing myself completely.”
“Baby, that’s what love is,” he said sighing, shaking his head.
“I used to think so,” I explained, “but now I realize it is so much more, and as much as you think you love me now, you don’t, Jake.” He started to interrupt, but I continued, cutting him off. “You don’t know me. I’m just starting to get to know the real me.”
“And you think he does? Know you, that is,” he asked, contempt dripping from his mouth.
“I think it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I love myself enough to do what’s best for me.”
“And what do you think that is, Avery?” His words were full of bitterness as he looked at me.
“Letting you go,” I stated softly. His face immediately changed as disbelief and anger set in. I made sure he kept eye contact with me as I continued, “And if you care about me as much as you say you do…you’ll let me do that.”
He stared at me for a long time as if daring my eyes to say what my mouth just did. I held my ground, matching his silence with my own, never taking my eyes from his. He finally shook his head and jumped off the couch to walk away. I didn’t turn to look at him, and jumped when I heard the bathroom door slam behind him.
I stood up and took a deep breath, feeling relief cover me as left his apartment. I whispered, “Goodbye Jake,” before closing the door behind me for what I knew would be the very last time.
I felt the tears streak down my face as I turned out of his parking lot. But I knew no matter how hard it was to put him behind me, what lay ahead held so much more promise. That was, of course, if I hadn’t already lost it.
It was only a ten-minute drive between Jake and Parker’s apartment, but it gave me the time I needed to regroup. I had no idea how Parker would react or if he would even see me at all. None of the messages on my phone had been from him, meaning he wasn’t ready to talk, but I prayed he wouldn’t refuse me in person.
Unlike at Jake’s, his door opened after the first knock, but my heart fell when I saw Randy in front of me.
“Is Parker here?” I asked tentatively.
He scowled at me, but stepped out of the way so I could come through the door.
“What did you do to him?” he asked, his tone not hiding its accusation. “I’ve never seen him so messed up.”
I didn’t respond, but looked down the hall towards Parker’s room. The door was shut.
Randy followed my eyes and let out a deep sigh. “He’s not here. Left before I even woke up, and I haven’t seen him all day.”
“Do you know where he is?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from pleading like I wanted to.
“I don’t know, probably studying. His life isn’t going to stop just because you broke his heart,” Randy spatted, no longer even trying to hide his distain for me.
I didn’t blame him. I would have felt the same thing for anyone who hurt Parker, too. I thanked him and turned to walk out the door.
“You’re not good enough for him!” he shouted before I was able to shut the door.
I stopped in my tracks and opened it back up so I could face him. “Yes, I am. It just took me this long to realize it,” I said with a small smile, keeping my eyes directly on his.
He seemed taken aback and didn’t say another word as I shut the door. I felt a little nervous. If Randy’s reaction had been any indication of what this evening was going to be like, I had a feeling the next person whose heart would be breaking would be my own.
The thirty minutes from Asheville felt like a lifetime, but finally I reached my apartment and parked the car. The sun had almost completely set, but there was still enough light in the sky to quickly make my way to the quad. If he had gone to class today, he would probably be in the library studying.
I walked with determination, eager to get there before he left. The library was the first building that came into to view as I approached the grassy area of the quad. I smiled as I remembered all the time I had spent there with him, laughing and teasing each other while we studied. I looked over to our spot, where he had kissed me for the first time, and felt deflated when I saw it taken by two other students catching a quick nap. Everything I looked at reminded me of him, and I started to wonder how I ever questioned his place in my life.
I turned the corner, my eyes searching for the bench I sat on the night we first met. I wanted to relive that moment with him in my mind and knew sitting there would calm my beating heart. But it too, was occupied, only this time it wasn’t by a stranger, but by the only man I wanted to see. Even with his head down, I knew who it was, and my heart leapt out of my chest as I walked toward him. He had his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped, with his forehead resting on them. He looked defeated, and I immediately started to cry knowing I had done that to him. He had found me in the same place months ago and lifted me to the heights, and now here he sat, in my place, as broken as I was that day.
I approached him slowly, not wanting to ruin the opportunity I had been given and knelt in front of him so that I could be face to face with him. There was a single tear running down his cheek and he looked surprised when our eyes made contact with one another. He didn’t recoil like I expected him to, but waited, looking intently at me.
“Hi,” I said softly, but he didn’t respond. I wasn’t surprised…small talk was not what he wanted from me.
I took a deep breath, wondering how I could have forgotten all the words I rehearsed over and over. Instead of panicking, I just sighed and spoke directly from my heart.
“If I had realized when I met you that you intended to turn my world upside down, I may have tried a little harder to resist all your charm,” I began, trying to lighten the mood a little. He didn’t move, but I knew he was listening. “I know I hurt you and believe me, I don’t think anyone on earth is angrier at me than I am. But in some ways, I’m glad last night happened, because it woke me up and made me face things that I had been denying for years. The biggest one being that I am a complete mess. Half the time I don’t know what I want or who I am or even why I’m here at Winsor. But you, you never cared if I had all those things figured out. It didn’t matter if it was a good day or bad day or if life had me so messed up I couldn’t see straight, because you loved me. It didn’t make sense to me, and with each passing day I started to wonder when the ax was going to fall, because I knew at any moment, you would wake up and see how wrong you were. But that day never seemed to come, and even when I exposed all my demons, you didn’t run away, but pursued harder, wanting even more of me. I grew up in a house of pretenders and you wouldn’t let me pretend with you. It terrified me…so much so that I did the only thing I know how to do…and that is run.”
I stopped for only a moment so I could catch my breath as I felt the tears start to find their way down my cheeks. I knew I was about it lay it all on the line, and the fear I had conquered earlier tried to slip back in. I pressed on, though, knowing I had to say it.
“Parker, I love you, and I have for a really long time. I’ve just been too afraid to admit it, too afraid to be that honest and vulnerable with someone. But, I get it now. I prayed today for the first time and finally understand what you’ve been talking about. I finally see that I am worthy to be loved and that I don’t have be perfect because Christ is perfect. I don’t know what all that entails, but I know I want to take that journey with you. I know I messed up, and I deserve to lose you, but if there is any way you will let me try and earn your trust again, I am begging for that second chance. I’m going all in, with you and with Christ, not holding anything back this time, I promise.”
He still hadn’t moved, and I sat there shaking, but kept to my word and didn’t pull back. If he was going to reject me, at least I would know that I gave it everything I had. I reached out to touch his cheek and said the words again. “I love you, Parker. Please, please…forgive me for being so blind.”
His embrace happened so fast it almost knocked me over as I felt elation penetrate every part of my being. His arms were strong and safe, and I knew I belonged there for the rest of my life.
He cupped my face and pulled back just enough to look in my eyes. “You’re all in?” he questioned, making sure he had heard me right.
I smiled, my eyes conveying all the love and faith I had in him. “I’m all in.”
He smiled and in his eyes, I saw he had forgiven me. “You never lost me,” he said sweetly as he caressed my face. “You just had to finally open your eyes before you could find me.”
I hugged him again as tight as I could. He pulled me back and then kissed me gently, his warm lips sealing what I think I’d always known since the first night his hand held mine, that I would love this man for the rest of my life.
“And Avery…” he stated after we pulled apart. “We’re changing your locks immediately.”
I started laughing as I nodded in agreement, embracing him even tighter than before.
It was as if my life had converged to this one moment. Christ had loved me unconditionally, giving himself to me fully before I was even ready to return it. Through that love, I was able to see in myself a person worth loving, a person who was worth leaving behind destructive people and behaviors to pursue a life of freedom and promise. I no longer was going to find my value in what others thought of me. Parker had shown me my value in Christ; and as we sat there holding on to each other, I could honestly say, for the first time ever, that I believed him.