21. CAUGHT
Parker met me at the coffee shop by the river just after eight and apologized profusely for it taking him so long. I assured him it was no problem and began rubbing his back as he sat down. He still seemed stressed and tense, and I felt for him.
“Your classes are that hard, huh?” I asked sympathetically as I tried to rub out the knots in his shoulder.
“Yeah, they are, but that I can handle. Feeling this distant from you is about to kill me,” he replied honestly, looking strained as he glanced at me. My breath caught at his words, not expecting him to be so forward.
“I’m right here, silly,” I teased, continuing to rub his shoulders and shake them a little. He shot me a forced smile and put his hand on mine.
“To make matters worse, I have to leave this weekend for my monthly training. The timing just feels all wrong.”
“When are you leaving?” I asked feeling disappointed.
“As soon as I get out of class on Friday. Hopefully Sunday will be a short training day and I’ll be back around dinnertime.” He put his hand on my leg and rubbed it a little. “I’m coming straight to see you, so don’t make any plans!”
I smiled up at him and put my head on his shoulder. He was right. The timing was all wrong, everything felt wrong. I wanted more than anything to click my heels together and go back to New Year’s. It felt like a lifetime ago.
“You eaten yet?” he asked, looking toward the counter.
“Nope, I was waiting on you. I’m starved.” He leaned over and gave me a kiss, pinching my chin at the same time.
“You know I love you right?” he asked looking me intently in the eye. I nodded and kissed him again before we got up to make our order. I sighed as I held on to him in line; I wished so much I could love him back the way he deserved.
The next few days flew by as I eased back into the school schedule. I would run, then hit the lab, go to class and then meet Parker in the quad. Jake would still come by at night, but only stayed for an hour or so just to talk and catch up. I started to believe my own lies that I wasn’t doing anything wrong and that it was perfectly fine for Jake and I to be friends. The guilt was less and less biting and while still strained, things did seem to be getting better with Parker, or at least I thought so. He continued to press me on a regular basis to talk to him, but I kept insisting there was nothing to talk about.
He left on Friday right after class, but not before meeting me outside my Dynamics class to say goodbye. I felt a little awkward with my study group staring blatantly at us, but I kissed him anyway and told him I would miss him.
“If there was any way I could get out of this, you know I would,” he said anxiously. He looked troubled as he looked at me.
“Parker, it’s just a couple of days,” I said laughing, trying to understand why he was so worried.
“I know. I just don’t feel like I should leave you alone right now.”
It finally registered to me why he would say that. He was worried I was going to have another episode. It all made more sense now. I shook my head realizing it was going to be exactly like it was with Cara.
“I’m not going to do anything,” I said defensively, pulling away from him. “You could just ask me about it instead of insinuating what a horrible failure you expect me to be.”
Parker looked stunned and then confused. “What are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about?” I answered, now wondering if I had jumped to conclusions.
“I am just worried because Issy is still gone and you’ve been so cold this week. Eventually those emotions are going to hit you, Avery, and I don’t want you to be alone when they do.”
I sighed as I realized what he was saying and immediately felt retched because I knew I had already felt all those emotions…with Jake, not him. I could barely look him in the eye when I hugged him one more time and assured him I would be fine.
He kissed me softly and then turned to leave.
“Be careful!” I yelled out before he hit the exit doors and turned to give me a heart-stopping smile.
I slumped in my chair and put my face in my hands. I was such a jerk.
“Is that your boyfriend?” A girl next to me asked.
I looked at her and answered, “Yes.”
“Wow, he’s really cute.”
“Yeah, he is, and about the greatest guy you’ll ever meet,” I admitted, no longer really talking to her anymore.
She smiled at me and then sat back in her chair because the professor had gotten there. I had no idea how I was going to concentrate in class.
“Get dressed! We are going out tonight,” Jake ordered as he walked in the door. “We’ve done enough homebody stuff for one weekend.”
Jake had come over on Friday and wouldn’t leave when he found out Parker was gone for the weekend. He talked me into watching a movie he had rented, and stayed until after I had fallen asleep. Parker was able to call this morning and talk for about fifteen minutes. He asked me what I did last night and while I was honest about watching a movie and turning in early, I didn’t mention the company that had come over. I knew Parker would never understand that Jake and I had become really good friends.
“Jake, are you trying to be a male version of Issy, because I swear you sounded just like her right then.”
He bounced on the couch next to me and then shoved me off. “Get dressed!”
I rolled my eyes, but did as he said and got ready to go. I picked jeans and a silk top, trying to keep from looking too much like I was on a date. Knowing it was going to hot at the bar, I opted to braid two chucks of hair on each side of my face and pull them together in the back.
Jake stood up when I walk out of the room and shot me an appreciative smile. “You look great!” he exclaimed, kissing my cheek as I approached him. I noticed he was becoming more and more affectionate as time went on, and since he had yet to cross the line again like he had the champagne night, I didn’t bother to stop it. He grabbed my hand and led me out the door, letting it go for only a moment to lock the door behind us.
Since Caesars was so close, we just walked there, not wanting to bother with a car or designated drivers. I felt weird at first holding his hand, but he squeezed tighter when I tried to let go, so I didn’t say anything.
The bar was packed when we got there, a testament to it being the first weekend school was back. I ran into at least twenty people I knew and would have easily gotten separated from Jake if his arm hadn’t been firmly around my waist the whole time.
“Want a drink?” Jake asked when we finally made it to the bar.
“No, I’m good.”
“Come on, Avery, it’s just one drink,” he coaxed giving me a sad face.
“That’s what you said last time,” I reminded him, and he didn’t press the issue, instead just ordered a beer for himself.
We were surrounded by people everywhere, and fielded a million questions about where Issy was. Jake and I had decided before we came to stay cryptic on the details and just told everyone she was going to school in her hometown for the semester. Issy had told me about her father’s ultimatum earlier in the week and was pretty devastated she was going to be held captive in her dad’s house, taking classes at Western Carolina. I reminded her it was a small price to pay to get to return to Winsor in the fall.
My thoughts were interrupted by one of the guys from my apartment complex asking me if I wanted to dance. Jake glared at him and put his arm around me. He left before I had a chance to decline.
“What was that about?” I asked after the guy had run off.
“What? I’m watching Parker’s back. I wouldn’t want some random guy dancing with my girl,” he answered playfully and then pulled me out to the dance floor himself.
I looked at him in disbelief as he pulled me close to him. “I’m not some random guy,” he whispered in my ear and winked at me. I felt my stomach fill with a million butterflies from both the feeling of Jake’s breath on my ear and the reminder that I was still Parker’s girl.
We danced for hours, only stopping to get drinks when we got too hot. I was really having a good time, and it felt invigorating to just escape from reality for a little while. We hit the bar again, my face was flushed and hair damp from all the dancing. Jake moved to get the bartender’s attention while I waited on a stool for my water.
“Avery!” I looked up when I heard my name and saw my friend from Dynamics waving as she walked over to me. “Wow, I never see you out anymore.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “It’s been a while.”
“You look so pretty tonight. Have you lost weight?” she asked sweetly.
I knew she meant to ask that as a compliment. Most women liked that kind of thing, but I detested it. I hated any indication that people were noticing my weight whether positive or negative. It made me self conscious and insecure. But, there was no need to dump all my baggage on her, so I just gave her the same response I did everyone when asked that question. “Nope. I pretty much stay the same size.”
“Well, you look great. In fact, is that another boyfriend?” she asked with a snicker as she looked over to Jake at the bar.
I was horrified by her implication and knew my face said as much. “No! We’re just friends. He’s my roommate’s cousin.”
She laughed and shook her head. “That’s not what it looked like on the dance floor. But hey, I’m not one to judge. I say more power to ya. He’s hot too.” She gave a little wave goodbye and a wink when Jake returned with our drinks.
“Who’s that?” he asked as she retreated.
“No one,” I said scowling, still shocked at what she had said. “I think I’m ready to go home.”
“Did something happen?” He continued to look in her direction.
“No,” I lied. “I’m just getting tired.”
He quickly downed his beer, and then led us out the door. I wouldn’t hold his hand on the way home, and he looked at me questionably, but didn’t say anything.
He opened the door to the apartment and immediately fell on the couch. “Man, that was fun. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun at Caesars.”
I didn’t want to admit it, but I felt the same way.
“You know what it reminded me of?” he continued with a wink. “That night we all went to the Varsity, and I kissed you for the first time.”
I threw my purse down on the love seat and sat down in a huff.
“Jake, why do you keep saying stuff like that? Just when I think we’ve finally got this friend thing down, you go and blur all the lines again.” I felt torn and guilty and frustrated all at the same time.
“Maybe my lines have never stopped being blurry,” he replied looking at me in a way that definitely did not scream friendship.
“I have a boyfriend!” I yelled, jumping to my feet, not sure who I was madder at him or me. “An honest, good, and faithful boyfriend, which is more than I could say when I was dating you!”
Jake stood up angrily and got within an inch of me. “Don’t do that! Don’t put this back on me. I told you why I did the things I did and we got past it. But since you brought it up, have you ever stopped to wonder why you are still with him when you spend every night with me?”
My fury and the tension that always existed when Jake was around were too much to bear, and I lost all resolve. “Yes, I wonder!” I yelled back, the tears now running down my cheeks. “And I hate myself for it every day.” I turned around, unable to face him.
He wrapped his arms around me tightly and nuzzled his face in my hair. “Then stop fighting it…and come back to me,” he whispered. “God, I miss you so much.”
I stood there and cried, feeling the pit gripping at my feet, the darkness trying to make its way back up my body. Jake was holding me tighter and tighter as he ran his hands seductively up and down my arms. He began kissing my neck, and I suddenly felt an overwhelming need to flee. I rushed to my bedroom, locking the door behind me.
I heard Jake as he put his head to the door. “Avery, I’m sorry. Don’t run away from me. It’s just the alcohol talking, I promise.”
I laid on my bed, still sobbing as I felt my heart breaking. Once again, it was my fault. I let it get to this point, and once again I had become a person I had no respect for. I shuddered as I thought of the quad that fateful day, and how familiar that feeling was becoming again. However this time, I feared, there would be no Parker to pull me out of it.
With the morning sun, came some clarity and the feeling that I may have over reacted the night before. I had let a comment from someone I didn’t even know that well make me feel cheap and guilty, and now I was starting to wonder why.
Jake was gone when I went for my morning run, but I wasn’t surprised as I had heard him calling around for a ride last night. I ran by his car in the parking lot and shook my head. I was going to have to decide what I wanted and soon before I lost both of them, or worse, lost myself once again.
I felt my phone start to vibrate to signify an incoming text. It was from Jake.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” he wrote and added and sad face at the end.
I chuckled to myself and slowed to a walk so I could text him back. “I’m not. May have overreacted a bit.”
“Good! Want to do dinner tonight?”
“Can’t. Have plans with Parker.”
He sent another sad face and then “Ok, I’ll call you Monday…I’m sorry.”
“Me too,” I texted back and put up my phone, returning back to my run pace. While I felt better about Jake, my stomach turned a little as I thought of Parker’s homecoming tonight. Something in my gut told me things were never going to be the same.
I paced the living room as I waited for Parker’s call. It was getting close to eight, and I still hadn’t heard from him. Finally, the phone rang and I grabbed it after one ring.
“Hey! Are you home?” I asked a little too enthusiastically.
“No babe, I so wish that was true. We just finished training and still have to go clean all our weapons before leaving. I don’t think I’m going to be back for at least three more hours.”
I felt my heart sink, but didn’t want him to feel worse than he already did. “That’s ok,” I assured him. “You sound tired.”
“Completely wiped out,” he admitted. “We’ve been up since four in the morning with this exercise, and I can barely keep my eyes open. It’s going to take a lot of coffee to get me home tonight.”
“Parker?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s an exercise?”
He laughed on the other end, but it felt empty as his exhaustion was apparent through the phone. “It’s when we play like we’re at war.”
“Oh…Hey are you sure it’s safe for you to drive tonight? You sound like you might fall over right now,” I asked feeling concerned for the first time that it really might be dangerous for him to drive home.
“I admit, I’ve thought about staying. Most of the guys here are,” he acknowledged, sighing. “But I want to see you so bad, it seems worth it.”
“Don’t come back just for me! That’s crazy, and I’ll die of worry. Go get some sleep, and I’ll see you after class on Monday. We can spend the whole night together.”
“I feel like such a bad boyfriend.”
“Don’t say another word. I’ll be fine. I’m going to find a good chic flick and do my nails. You just take care of yourself for once.”
“Ok Avery, I think I may just do that. You’re the best, you know that?”
I shook my head and felt my eyes tear up. I was absolutely not the best, not even close. “Go get some sleep.”
We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. I looked down at the outfit I had agonized over all day and started to pull it off. If I was going to watch a movie, it was going to be in my pajamas.
I finished getting comfortable and then went to put in the movie when I realized that it was still in my car. Throwing on some flip flops, I walked out the door, immediately feeling the chill of the wind as soon I did. I hugged myself tight and ran as fast as I could to my car, shivering the entire way. Within minutes I was back on my couch with a blanket trying to get warm again. I heard my phone buzz and ran to get it thinking it might be Parker again. It wasn’t.
“Why are you in your pajamas? I thought you had a date with Parker tonight.” I stared at the text wondering how he knew.
“Jake, are you stalking me?” I texted back.
“Lol. No. I came to pick up my car and saw your mad dash. What’s the story?”
“Still out of town. Rescheduled for tomorrow.”
I had barely put the phone back down when I heard my door open and saw Jake with a big grin on his face. He shut it behind him and fell on the couch next to me, resting his hand on my thigh. “So what are we doing tonight?”
I looked at him with my mouth open in disbelief. “I’m watching a movie,” I said sternly. “You are going home.”
He put his hand across his heart as if I had wounded him and then got up to grab a coke out of the fridge. “Seriously, what movie is it?”
“Jake, I am being serious. We need a little space.”
“Ah come on, you said you overreacted last night.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So what’s the big deal? I’ve always watched movies with y’all on Sunday nights.”
“Jake, in case you haven’t noticed, Issy doesn’t live here anymore, and people are starting to get the wrong impression about us.”
“Technically, Issy does still live her. But fine, I’ll just stay for an hour, I promise.”
I rolled my eyes and then warned him if he said a word about my movie choice, he was immediately evicted. He agreed whole-heartedly and joined me back on the couch.
Almost two hours into the movie, I felt my stomach growl loud enough that even Jake heard it. “Skip dinner tonight?” he asked with his eyebrows raised.
“Yeah, I did. Want some pizza?” I asked as I grabbed my phone to make the order.
“Of course. I never turn down pizza.”
I placed the order and then scowled when they said it would be at least forty-five minutes until they got there.
Jake looked up at me as I rejoined him on the couch. “I have to admit, this is a pretty good movie. I was worried when I saw how long it was.” he said with a grin.
“It is, isn’t it? I know how to pick’em,” I beamed, feeling proud of myself. He shook his head and laughed, pressing play on the DVD player again. He leaned back on the couch and pulled me toward him. I started to resist, but he insisted it was more comfortable that way.
Twenty minutes later, there was a knock at the door and we both jumped.
“That was fast,” I said rushing to my room. “Get the door, and I’ll grab my wallet.”
It took me a while before I found where I had set my purse and I felt guilty knowing the guy was standing out there in the cold. I finally spotted it and started towards the door, pulling out the money as I spoke. “Sorry it took me so long, I couldn’t find my pur…” I looked up and my heart stopped. Standing in front of my closed front door was a stunned Parker and Jake who seemed almost amused.
“It wasn’t the pizza,” Jake said matter-of-factly.
I couldn’t move, and I immediately felt my heart begin to race so fast that I thought I might pass out. Parker took one more look at Jake and then walked past me into my bedroom, glancing my way in the process. His face showed a combination of shock, hurt and anger. What I didn’t see was the usual adoration that I had grown so accustomed to, and I felt a shiver go down my spine. I turned and watched him disappear and then slowly walked towards Jake.
“You should probably go,” I whispered, my body still trembling from the shock.
“I’m not leaving you alone with him,” Jake said sternly, glancing into my bedroom.
“Please Jake, Parker would never hurt me. Just go. I begging you, please, go.”
He must have seen the desperation in my eyes, because he grabbed his keys and started for the door. Before leaving, he turned back around and pulled me towards him, planting a kiss on my forehead. I cringed as he lingered there, his eyes never leaving the door of my bedroom. He finally let go and walked out the door, leaving me to wonder if Parker had just witnessed that scene, which appeared far more intimate than it actually was.
I took a deep breath, and walked towards my bedroom, my heart pounding harder with each step. When I finally got there, Parker had his back towards me and was staring at the wall with his hands on his head. I could see that every muscle in his body was tense and it was more than apparent he was fighting for control.
“Parker, it’s not what you’re thinking.” I closed my eyes as I heard myself speak, remembering how painful those same words had been when Jake said them to me.
Parker didn’t move from his stance, just asked two simple words. “How long?”
I started to get nervous, as I knew he was jumping to the wrong conclusion. “It’s not like that. There’s nothing going on,” I pleaded.
Parker turned around and his face showed an emotion I had never seen before. He was mad…really mad. “How long?” he asked again, his voice getting louder.
When I didn’t answer, he clarified, “How long has it not been what I’m thinking? Huh Avery? How long have you not been hanging out with him ALONE in your apartment, watching movies together in your pajamas and doing God knows what else?” His voice kept getting louder each time I deflected the question, and I felt my hands start to shake as I realized this was a much bigger deal to Parker than I thought it would be.
“We’re just frien…”
“HOW LONG?” I jumped when he yelled and answered before I even had the time register what I was saying.
“Since Issy’s accident,” I whispered.
I saw Parker’s face change as he processed the information. I watched as he relived every conversation, every touch we had had since that night and the magnitude of the betrayal hit me as I watched it hit him. He fell back, sitting on my bed for support. I felt sick to my stomach as I watched the pain on his face.
“I knew something was wrong,” he whispered, his voice quivering a little. “My instincts were screaming at me, but I never imagined it was him.”
His heavy sigh hung in the room and the silence felt crippling. Finally he spoke under his breath, but I had to strain to even hear his voice. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”
I had no idea what he meant, but felt the words must have been significant because he put his head in his hands when he said them. His resigned tone stung at my heart and I reached for his hand, begging, “Parker, please.”
He jumped away from me as if my hand had seared him and walked to the other side of the room. I could see his body shaking, and I felt real panic for the first time that I was going to lose him.
“Why? It just doesn’t make sense after how much he hurt you. Two months ago you couldn’t even be in the same room with him without shaking.” His body was still rigid and his voice still hard, but I could sense the hurt was starting to replace the anger.
“When Issy was in the hospital, we were there for each other, and the past just seemed to disappear,” I explained.
He didn’t like my answer; I could see that right away.
“I wanted to be there for you…tried to be there for you a million times. You pushed me away, wouldn’t talk to me and completely shut me out,” he reminded me, his exasperation resonating across the room.
“I didn’t mean to shut you out, Parker. I just didn’t know how to let you in. He offered friendship, and I took it.”
Parker let out a stunned laugh as if I had lost my mind. “Avery, you can’t be friends with him! And if you believe you can, you’re lying to yourself as much as you are to me. He’s your first love; the only guy you’ve ever had a sexual relationship with.” We both flinched as he said those last words, hurting him almost as much as they did me. I watched him close his eyes as he fought to regain control again.
“Did you even wait five minutes before inviting him over after I said I wasn’t coming back tonight?” he asked after a few seconds of silence.
“I didn’t even know he was coming over. He just showed up.”
“Are you sleeping with him?” His voice was cold and harsh, matching the look in his eyes.
“No!” I yelled, feeling angry at him for the first time.
“It’s a fair question.”
“No, it’s not, and it hurts me that you would even ask me that.”
Parker just shook his head in disgust. “You have no idea,” he scoffed looking away from me again. “Did you kiss him?”
“No. I told you, it wasn’t like that,” I argued, my voice shaking now.
“Well he obviously feels comfortable kissing you, so what am I supposed to think?” he retorted, matching the volume in my voice. It was just as I feared. He had seen Jake kiss me goodbye. I had nothing I could say to that. We stood staring at each other for what felt like an eternity before Parker sat back down on my bed and put his head in his hands.
I walked over to him again and kneeled down in front of his legs, careful not to touch him this time. He looked up and his eyes were glassy. The anger seemed to be gone and all that registered was hurt and pain.
“I won’t share you,” he whispered, his eyes piercing me.
“You’re not,” I pleaded, once again trying to make him understand.
“You don’t get it, Avery. Every moment you give to him is a moment that is ripped away from us. I am the one you should turn to when you’re hurting…not him. And the idea that I only get half of you because you’ve given the other half to him makes me sick! Can’t you see that?” His voice was getting louder again as I saw the anger start to return. He paused, but didn’t take his eyes off of me. “You can’t sit on the fence, Avery. I won’t take less than all of you. I wont move forward until I know we are on the same page.”
He said what I always knew to be true and what I feared one day he would ask for. I hung my head, not knowing how to respond. I felt his hand on my chin as he tilted my head up to look at him.
“Why can’t you let him go?” he asked painfully, his voice catching when he did.
I felt the tears flow freely as I whispered back, “I don’t know.”
He let go of my chin and stood. Before I even realized what was happening, I saw him grab his keys and head for the door.
“Wait Parker, you’re not leaving are you?” I asked feeling a panic so severe it almost paralyzed me.
He opened the door to the apartment right as the pizza guy was about to knock. I saw his body go stiff and then he turned around to me, his mannerisms so cold and distant that I almost didn’t recognized him. “I guess your pizza’s here.”
Seconds later he was gone, and my body was crushed with an emptiness exceeding any I had ever felt before.
“Lord, I pray you draw her to you. I pray that she may have power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is your love for her…”