22. TRUTH
I couldn’t seem to move from the bed as I replayed our conversation over and over in my head, reliving every word, every image and every touch. He was gone, and I had no one to blame but myself. I had once again succeeded in pushing another person away who demanded more from me than I was willing to give.
The smell of the pizza consumed the apartment, and I felt my stomach growl. I was still hungry, but knew without question that if I took even one bite I wouldn’t stop until I had purged all of it, hoping the emotion would go with it. As much as it appealed to me, I knew it wouldn’t help. This ache was impossible to comfort.
I thought back to the first time I ever decided to try throwing up and shook my head. How naive I had been. It was a regional cross country meet and we were all staying in a hotel the night before. They had a big buffet for us with lots of pastas and carbs for us to load up on. I ate what the other girls ate, but kept hearing my mom’s voice in my head telling me how bad pasta was for me. Almost out of spite, I ate more than I needed and felt uncomfortably full.
While the rest of the team was still in the lobby flirting with the boys, I snuck up to the room I had been assigned. I tried lying on my bed to ease the fullness, but it didn’t help. I had recently read an article in Food Magazine that gave statistics on how many girls suffered from eating disorders. While the numbers were concerning, I still wondered if it really worked. There had to be a reason so many girls did it.
I shook my head, remembering clearly the minute I decided that I was going to try it. I wish someone had told me what I was getting into. I wish the article had said, “Stop, this is bondage!” I wish I knew then what I know now—that choosing this path would be the biggest regret of my life.
I heard my phone buzz and quickly reached for it, hoping for the best. I felt my chest heave in disappointment when I saw it was Jake.
“Are you ok?” he texted.
“I’m fine.”
“Can I come over?”
“No.”
I didn’t give any more information, even when he asked please. I just told him I would see him tomorrow. I felt numb and had no ability to deal with another confrontation, especially one with Jake, because he always seemed to jumble my good sense. I stood up, suddenly feeling the need to pace, as unease hit me again. The smell of the pizza was getting overwhelming and I could feel the temptation start to surface.
I decided I would take a shower; it always helped to ease the panic, but stopped when I passed my desk and saw a large manila envelop on it. I slowly picked it up, trying to recall where it came from. I vaguely remembered seeing Parker with something in his hand at the door, but dismissed it as soon as I saw his face.
I turned it over and opened the clasp, pulling out an eight by ten photograph. It had been printed on a hard backing and my breath caught the minute I looked at it. The background was pitch black at the bottom, and starting from the top was a close up of rose petals, at least four layers of them. The petals were crisp white, but showed signs of wear and tear as small lines encroached across their delicate surface. On each one, sat multiple water droplets, each a perfect circle, catching the light beautifully and making each petal more vibrant than I had ever seen before.
I slowly reached for the rose pendant around my neck and knew he found this picture just for me. I turned it over to see if the photographer was listed, but instead found a note on the back, written in Parker’s masculine handwriting.
Avery,
I found this picture the other day after our talk and knew I had to get it for you. I know sometimes you wonder why I feel the way I do about you, when you are still learning to love yourself. You said you were flawed and damaged, but my love, we all are. The storms in your life don’t make you less than perfect; they make you beautiful and full of character, with the ability to use all you’ve learned to impact the rest of the world. I’ve been wishing for months there was a way you could see yourself through my eyes. Well, here it is. This is how I see you, and the rain has only made you more breathtaking.
All my love,
Parker
I stared at the note and read it again and again, unable to pull my eyes from his words. Devastation gripped me as I crumpled to the floor, still holding the last remnant of Parker’s unconditional love for me. I had taken it all for granted, treated it with so little respect, when in reality, it had been my life force.
I eyed the pizza box again and could almost feel it drawing me toward it. Suddenly, I was consumed by emotion, and instantly felt nothing but contempt for the square box. It fueled me with unrecognized determination as a grabbed it fiercely, storming through the front door and out to the dumpster. It was as if I could physically feel the chains falling way from me as moved.
Fury enveloped my body like a blanket, and I took out all the rage I had buried on both the pizza box and the metal dumpster.
The sounds of my fists echoed through the night as I cursed myself for being such a coward. But it was more than myself I was angry at, and rage gripped me as I cursed my mom for every “helpful” comment she had ever made, cursed my father for making me feel that my sister was the pretty one and all I could offer was an education, cursed Issy for drinking so much and never caring the impact it had on all of us, cursed Jake for how he hurt and betrayed me, yet refused to go away so I could get on with my life, and finally, I cursed Parker for always demanding so much more than wanted to give, for making me see life differently which meant the status quo no longer satisfied me.
I kicked and slammed at the dumpster until exhaustion took hold and every emotion I had ever pretended didn’t exist, was left exposed on the concrete. I kicked it one more time for good measure and stalked back to my apartment, feeling somehow vindicated.
Several people had come out of their apartment, no doubt to ascertain the source of the pounding I just had given the dumpster. I didn’t care and didn’t offer an explanation as I walked past them to my apartment. I was done caring what everyone else thought. Done being the “Avery” everyone else wanted me to be. I walked by my mirror on the way back to my room. I looked different, even with the tear-streaked face, red nose and cheeks from the cold, and wild hair that went everywhere. I smiled at my appearance, finding the humor in my madness and knew it was true…I was going to decide what I wanted for MY life, no one else.
The morning came with a renewed sense of determination, as I hurried through getting ready for the day. I texted Russell that I would be in to take the morning sample, but was only staying long enough to do so. I also texted him that I would continue to help until Dr. Davis could reassign me to the structures department for work-study, but that he should start to look for a replacement.
“I knew you’d flake out on me again,” he responded. “Don’t worry about this morning, I’ve got it.” It was a text message, but I could still hear the judgment in his words.
Where I would normally feel guilty or bad about myself, I just felt relieved. Now I could take care of what was really important.
I got in my car and headed north towards the Pisgah National Forest, feeling more and more conviction with each mile. My phone started buzzing, but I turned it off without even looking to see who the call was from.
The building looked exactly the same as it had when Jake took me here months ago, but I realized as I drove up how different I had become since that day. I was lonely and scared, and Jake offered all that I wanted in one beautiful smile. I parked my car and headed to the entrance. This was where I fell in love with him, and I knew it the minute my foot stepped off the platform that day.
The guys behind the counter shot me a smile when I entered the small building and asked if they could help me.
“I was wondering if I could go on a couple of the lines. Maybe go out for an hour or so?” I asked, getting my purse ready to pay for the adventure.
“I remember you, now. You’re Jake’s girl. Sure, I’ll take you myself,” he beamed, and I smiled back thinking the irony of those words were almost too much.
“Thanks, um, how much do I owe you?” I asked, still holding my wallet.
“Oh please, your money is no good here. Come on.”
He was around the counter in a flash and was pulling off harnesses for both of us. My stomach started to knot in anticipation of doing this on my own, but I willed myself to continue. I needed to know I could do it.
The one mile walk felt different today, partly because I spent more time looking at the scenery where as last time I was either staring at Jake or at my feet. The woods were amazing in a different way. They were stripped of their fall colors, but still were a commanding presence that exuded strength and resilience. I marveled at the idea that being stripped down to nothing could offer more healing than simply living a life full of color. It certainly had for me.
We reached the first platform and my stomach lurched again as I looked down at the depths. It appeared farther this time without the leaves to block the view.
“You ready?” he asked after hooking me up to the line. I nodded and he stepped back, waiting for me to take the plunge. I took a deep breath and jumped, allowing the speed and adrenalin to make my body shiver in excitement. I kept my grip loose, to get the full effect of the speed this time. The fear was gone.
My guide hit the platform seconds after I did and whistled after he got his footing. “Wow, you were way faster this time. You been practicing or something?” he asked, not hiding his admiration.
“No, just came in with a different frame of mind,” I explained, smiling back. “I think I’m done, though.”
“What? You just got started?”
“I know, but I have something else I need to do today.” Part of me wanted to stay and do more lines, but I knew my next stop would take a while, and I had already accomplished what I wanted to by coming here.
He shrugged his shoulders, and led me back to the trail that would get us back to my car. He asked how Jake was doing, and I told him all good things, not feeling the need to explain our relationship. With a quick goodbye, I was back in my car and heading west towards Mount Pisgah and the cabin that Parker had taken me to after Christmas. Feeling thankful I had gotten the address in order to send a “thank you” card to the owner, I followed the winding road through the forest until the small cabin appeared through the trees.
Thoughts of Parker brought tears to my eyes as I thought of our horrible fight the night before. I looked towards my phone and wondered if he had called. With the strength of a thousand horses, I somehow managed not to check and got out of my car. I tried knocking on the cabin door, but no one was home. Just as well. My purpose for this trip was the trail anyway.
Grabbing my backpack with food and water, I followed the trail Parker had shown me. It was harder to navigate on my own, but I managed, scraping my palms and elbows in the process. After three and a half hours and a body that ached with fatigue, I was finally at the top of the ridge, looking once again at the waterfall that consumed the view. It seemed more powerful today, fuller, as if nature had directed all its fury into one place. I stared at it in awe as I watched it roll over the side of the mountain and on to the rocks below. Rocks so beaten by the ferocity of the water that it made you question their strength, but yet I knew that with one slip, those same rocks could take my life in second.
I walked over to the place where Parker and I had rested, and where I had shared my deepest secret with him. I could almost still feel his touch as I remembered his words to me that day. They were words of unconditional love, the likes of which I had yet to ever experience in my life. I knew I loved him too that day. I was lost and broken, and with one word, Parker had given me everything I needed.
I sighed as I looked at my watch. It was getting late, and I knew I had a long trip back down the mountain. I turned to look at the view one more time before my descent and nodded. Like the zip line, I had gotten what I needed by coming here, too.
It was approaching five in the afternoon by the time I reached my car again, grateful that the dropping temperatures had dried the sweat accumulating on my face.
I headed back to the road and backtracked to find the crossroad that would take me to the highway. Just as I approached the turn, I saw a huge meadow situated behind one row of trees. The sun was low in the sky, which casted a perfect golden glow over the dried grass.
I pulled off the road and climbed through the old log fence surrounding the property. There was no one for miles, so I didn’t think anything of it when I walked to the center and sat down. The grass was hard and crunchy, the effects of the cold winter apparent wherever you looked. I laid back and stared at the sky, soaking in the last warmth the setting sun had to offer. There was something else I had to do…and it couldn’t wait any longer.
I pulled out my phone and turned it on for the first time since the morning. My voicemail showed three messages and six missed calls. I ignored them all and searched out the number I wanted.
“Hello?” my mom answered in her usual tone.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Avery! Hey hun, how are you?” she asked in her equally cheery voice.
My heart started racing, but today had been a day about overcoming fear, and I was not going to let it stop now. “I need to talk to you…do you have a minute?” I asked, determination resonating in my tone.
“Sure. Is something wrong?”
“Mom, I need you to know I love you, and I want a relationship with you. I also need you to know that relationship can only happen if we no longer discuss what I weigh, how I eat, how much I eat or how much I exercise. Is that possible?”
There was silence on the other end. “Mom?”
“I’m here,” she answered quietly.
“I know you didn’t realize what those things did to me, so I’m not angry at you, and I don’t blame you,” I continued. “I just need you to know now that they have to stop. I have to know you love me even if I’m not perfect.”
“Of course I love you, honey. I just wanted the best for you. I didn’t want you to end up unhappy with yourself,” she explained, and I could tell by her voice she was crying.
“I know, Mom. Let’s just find some new common ground and start from there. Ok?” I offered, knowing my mom didn’t cope well with confrontation, and it was time to end the conversation.
“Ok Avery. I can do that.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too,” she replied before hanging up the phone.
As I hung up the phone, I felt a surge of emotions fill me. I had spent most of my life hating who I was, constantly trying to be something better. For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be anyone else but me. I looked around the meadow, taking in the landscape that sat just below the picturesque mountain range and marveled at the beauty God had created. I thought back to the words I heard in the quad that horrible night. “Fearfully and wonderfully made,” the pastor had said. “Darkness becomes light.” Words that were from the bible, words that Parker said were the very breath of God.
I remembered the bible Parker’s mother had given me, which still sat untouched in my purse. I ran to the car and pulled it out, hoping I could find the answers I so desperately sought.
As I found my place back in the meadow, I began to flip through the pages and noticed a small piece of paper that had fallen in my lap. The letter was from Parker’s mom, and its words were like warmth on a snowy day.
Avery,
Ever since Parker was a baby, I have prayed scripture over him and his future wife. When I met you at Christmas, I finally felt I had a face to go with those prayers. I have prayed that God protects you and guides you in your journey though life. I have prayed for peace in the mist of turmoil and strength in the midst of temptation.
I have prayed that he let you soar on wings like eagles, but also that he keeps your path straight. I have prayed all these things because I believe that God’s word never comes back void. The bible says that it is by grace we have been saved, though faith in Jesus Christ. Avery, grace means unearned favor. It’s in your imperfection that God’s glory is revealed. If you want to know him, all you have to do is accept his perfect gift of love. Don’t worry about what to do and how to do it. When the Lord calls to you…you will know.”
In His love,
Amy
I felt my heartbeat start to pick up as the need to know Him pulled me with an unexplainable force. I went to my knees and spoke, feeling somewhat insecure, as I had never done this before.
“Jesus,” I spoke as I looked around. “I don’t really know where to begin or what to say. I never really even knew who you were until I met Parker and his family, but part of me wonders if that was your doing as well. They tell me you want to know me, and that you love me unconditionally—that you know my thoughts and my actions and still love me. I’ve never understood unconditional love until I met Parker. Jesus, if that’s what you are offering to me…I want it. I know that means you expect all of me…and I’m ready to give it. No more fear, right? I’m so flawed and I feel lost in darkness almost all of the time. Please come save me from this pit I’ve let myself sink into. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
I let out a sigh and let the tears flow down my cheeks without remorse. I welcomed them, welcomed all that they symbolized and all that was being cleansed in me. It was in that meadow that I felt the one thing I never thought possible—I felt the unconditional love of Jesus Christ and surprisingly, an unexplained love for myself.
“Lord, may your love give her strength to become the woman I know you want her to be…”