20. GUILT
It was four days later when we got the call that Issy had woken up. Jake had faithfully come over every night around midnight and stayed on the couch until I left for my run in the morning. Neither one of us went near Issy’s room as we waited and hoped we’d hear something soon.
Earlier that night, Parker and I had gone out to dinner and a movie to enjoy our last night of freedom, and while it felt good and normal to be there, I found myself thinking about Jake and wondering if he was going to come by again tonight.
“Is everything ok?” Parker asked as he was driving me home. It was a question that came regularly now, as he could sense I was pulling away from him.
“Yeah, fine. Why?” I asked squeezing his hand and offering him a smile.
He smiled back, but was uneasy. “I just can tell something is up with you. Any word from Issy’s dad?”
I let out a long sigh and shook my head. The waiting was unbearable. To make matters worse, I had done some research on comas and learned that after so many days, the chance of the patient recovering was slim to none. Issy was at the halfway point.
Parker squeezed my hand back, trying to reassure me and then thankfully changed the subject. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” he asked brightly, knowing full well I wasn’t.
“Yeah, I guess so. I’m supposed to be in the lab at ten to meet with Russell and get the plan for his final phase of work. Just the thought of the lab makes me want to scream. Worse, I have Thermo at noon and Dynamics at two. My Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are going to stink!” I whined as I laid my head back on the headrest in his car.
Parker let out a chuckle and then shot me a warm smile. “Let’s meet in the quad after class. I want to hear all about it.”
I turned to him, feeling guilty for the millionth time that night. I hadn’t told him Jake had been staying over even though Issy was no longer around. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t a lie if he didn’t ask. “What about you?”
“I’ve got three booked back to back starting at nine. I like to get them out of the way early.”
“Wow, 9:00 a.m., me and that class would not do so well,” I teased, knowing full well that running was the only thing I was willing to wake up early for.
He smiled again, but didn’t say anything. We sat in the uncomfortable silence that seemed to hound us a lot the last couple of days until he finally pulled into my parking lot.
“You don’t have to walk me up,” I insisted as I leaned over to give him a kiss goodnight.
“Avery, you know I’m going to,” he replied as he put the car in park.
We both got out and he wrapped his arm around me as we went up the stairs. I put mine around his waist, but again it felt forced, almost unnatural. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, why I was all of a sudden so distant from him. We stopped at the door and he pulled me to him, looking deep in my eyes, searching me. I felt embarrassed and guilty, and could hardly stand to look at him.
“You have to talk to me, baby. I can feel you slipping away and I don’t know how to stop it.” He seemed sad as he held my face in his hands, desperately trying to get me to open up to him.
“I’m not,” I tried to assure him and leaned in to give him a quick kiss. He tightened his grip and kissed me passionately, trying to evoke any emotion he could from me. I did my best to respond equally, but it was no use. He knew me too well, and slowly let me go, resting his head on mine for just a moment before he said goodbye. I could feel my heart cry as he walked down the steps, but I felt helpless as to how to close the gap that seemed to grow wider each day between us.
I walked into the apartment and to my surprise Jake was already there, working on his laptop at the bar. My heart skipped a beat as I thought of how awkward it would have been if I had opened the door with Parker standing next to me.
“You’re here early,” I said as I set my keys down, noting it was only ten o’clock.
He looked up from his laptop and shot me a breathtaking smile. Next thing I knew he had lifted me off the ground in an explosive hug while telling me Issy was awake. I stood stunned as it registered what he as saying and then jumped back in his arms with a squeal.
“Is she ok? Any long term damage?” I asked when we finally calmed down.
Jake gave me another big smile, his emerald eyes sparkling with joy. “None. She was a firecracker the minute she opened her eyes. She had no idea where she was. As far as she was concerned, it was New Year’s Day. Can you believe it?”
I shook my head, still feeling numb at the news. She was ok. A huge load of bricks tumbled from my shoulders and I felt happy and lighthearted for the first time in days.
“So…” Jake said mischievously as he walked back to the kitchen. “I’ve brought us something to celebrate with!” He came around the corner with a large bottle of champagne and two glasses.
“Jake, I have class tomorrow….hard classes,” I replied shaking my head as I headed to my room.
“So. Just one glass, Avery, come on…this is huge! Please?” His words were as charming as ever and I knew immediately that I would have at least one glass. I had no resolve with him…he knew exactly how to push my buttons.
“Fine,” I said caving, “Just let me get comfortable first.” I went in my room and threw on some sweats, brushed out my hair and clipped it up. For some reason, dressing down made me feel less guilty about hanging out with Jake. We were just friends, right? And friends could have a drink together. I pushed the guilt away once more and met Jake on the couch. He already had our glasses full and light music playing in the background.
I sat on the couch hesitantly and he handed me the glass.
“Here’s to Issy and her stubbornness, without which, I doubt we’d have anything to celebrate.” Jake looked happier than I had seen him in months, and I couldn’t help but smile too.
“To Issy,” I cheered as I brought my glass to his and took a sip.
We continued to talk well past midnight and before I knew it, I had drunk three glasses and was starting to feel a little lightheaded. Jake was keeping step as well and it seemed that the more we drank, the funnier and more relaxed both of us became, even broaching subjects that might otherwise be forbidden.
“So what do you like about this guy, anyway?” Jake asked as he poured the last of the bottle into our two glasses.
“Parker?”
“Yeah, who else?” he asked laughing.
“Honestly Jake, it’d probably be a shorter list to ask me what I didn’t like about him,” I replied. His jaw clenching told me he didn’t especially like my comment.
“Ok fine, what don’t you like about him?”
“Nothing really. He’s pretty much perfect,” I paused for a second, thinking about it. “Maybe just how insightful he is, I guess. I don’t feel like there can be any boundaries with us, and it makes me nervous. He wants too much from me,” I explained honestly, even surprising myself with the answer.
“That would drive me crazy,” Jake said settling back in his seat. “If I were you, I would feel like he was judging me all the time, trying to make me perfect too. I guess I tend to want someone with flaws, just like me.”
“Why?” I asked curiously.
“Because, what happens when they finally realize that you are never going to be good enough? They are either going to stay with you out of pity and be miserable, or they are going to cut their loses and move on. Either way, it’s got disaster written all over it.”
I thought about it for a minute and didn’t want to admit how much his words got to me. It was always my biggest fear that Parker would one day see me for the flawed person I really was. I shook my head, hoping to empty it. I smiled up at Jake and teased, knowing it would change the subject. “So you are saying I wasn’t perfect?”
Jake looked over at me and gave me a devilish grin. “Perfect for me…yes. But perfect…no. At least I would never expect you to be.”
I sighed and turned to lay my head on the armrest of the couch. Jake pulled my legs on his lap and started massaging my feet. I closed my eyes and enjoyed how good it felt. I had drunk too much and the room was starting to sway.
“You like that?” he asked softly and I just nodded my head, keeping my eyes closed. I felt him let go and then the couch shifted and Jake moved his body over mine. He began kissing my neck and I felt him take the clip out of my hair and the waves tumbled down the side of the couch.
“What about this?” Kiss. “And this?” More kisses moving up my jawline.
I could feel my heart racing and my stomach filling with butterflies. I knew what we were doing was wrong, but as much as my head said to stop it, I felt paralyzed by my body and how each kiss torched my skin.
I opened my eyes and looked right into his. He was moving forward, and I knew it was a point of no return if I let him kiss me. It meant the end for me and Parker if I did, and for some reason, I felt ok with it, even tried to justify it in my head that Parker was too good for me, and it would never last anyway.
Jake caressed my face and smiled. “Baby, it’s always been you and me,” he whispered as he moved forward. I closed my eyes again waiting, and right when I felt his breath on my face, my phone started to ring.
We both froze and Jake whispered, “Ignore it,” as he continued to move closer.
I turned my head right as he touched me and moved underneath him to grab the phone. It was Issy. I jumped off the couch and answered it, watching Jake put his head on the armrest in frustration.
“Hi!” I practically yelled into the phone when I answered it. “How are you?”
“Wow, Avery, you’re like breathing heavy. What did I interrupt?” Issy asked playfully. She was absolutely her old self. I immediately blushed as guilt hit me hard in the gut.
“Nothing! Jake and I were just celebrating your waking up!” I knew my voice was louder than usual, and even I didn’t recognize the tone of it.
“Have you been drinking?” she asked with a laugh. “And with Jake of all people?”
“Just a couple of glasses of champagne, nothing big,” I answered, trying to justify it. For some reason it sounded worse when Issy said it.
“Avery, champagne is the worst. No wonder you are slurring your words. What happened to Parker?”
Issy’s usual straightforwardness annoyed me and I retorted, “Nothing! Jake and I are just friends.” Issy sat quiet for a moment and then got real serious.
“Avery, I love Jake, you know that. But he cannot be trusted with you, ok. He’s not there out of friendship. You didn’t see him last night…I did. I mean New Year’s, whatever. Anyway, Parker is a good guy, and I’ve seen the way you are with him. You need to really think this through.”
I felt my heart start to race again. I couldn’t believe Issy was lecturing me not even six hours after waking up from a coma. I didn’t want to think about this now; my head was swimming with all the emotions of the night.
“It’s good to see you are back to your old, opinionated self,” I replied trying to find some humor in my voice.
“Would you expect anything less? Hey, since he’s there, will you let me talk to him for a minute? I can’t seem to get ahold of my mom. I guessing my dad verbally accosted her pretty well.”
“Yeah, he’s pretty efficient at that,” I agreed without thinking.
“You too? Man, he’s a piece of work. Every nurse on my floor shakes when he’s around!” I could almost see Issy shaking her head as she spoke and the depth of how much I missed her hit me, reducing me to tears before I could control it.
“Avery, what’s wrong? Are you crying?” she asked, stopping her rant.
“Maybe,” I sniffled. “I’m just so glad you are ok. I don’t know what I would have done if anything happened to you.” I knew Issy hated this kind of stuff, verbal affirmation was not something she was comfortable with at all, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Avery, this here is why you stay away from champagne. Give me Jake,” she scolded.
I handed the phone to Jake and excused myself to my room to cry it out. It was the first time I had let the tears flow since the accident, and now I wondered if I would ever get them to stop. I had buried so much of my anxiety and fear, and now it all came out with nothing to hold it back. I wanted someone to hold me and ironically, it wasn’t Jake. I missed Parker. Missed his strength and compassion. I wanted to call him, but felt wrong. How could I ever turn to him now after what had almost happened tonight? It was shameful.
I could hear Jake yelling at Issy from the other room. “Like hell she is!” he screamed into the phone. “He’s just the rebound guy!”
I didn’t want to hear anymore and went to the bathroom to pull myself together. I came out as Jake was getting off the phone.
“Wow, did I get an earful. I’d be totally annoyed if I wasn’t so thrilled she’s back,” he said laughing as he walked in the door. He took one look at my face and stopped smiling, walking over to pull me into a big hug. His arms felt good, but I felt empty.
After a few seconds he asked, “Are you ok?”
I simply nodded my head and continued to rest against his chest. He put his hands on my face and lifted it up to have me look at him.
“Now, where were we?” he asked softly, hunger more than apparent in his green eyes.
I stepped back and pulled his hands from my face, still holding them as I spoke. “I should probably call it a night. I have to be up early tomorrow.”
He seemed to understand, but his body was stiff as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He pulled me close and kissed me softly on my forehead, as he was accustomed to doing lately, and left the room.
My sleep was more than fitful that night, and I didn’t even notice I had turned my alarm off when it went off at 8:00 a.m. I finally woke when the light from outside my window was too much to ignore. My head was pounding with such force, I could barely open my eyes. I turned to my alarm, wondering how early it was and practically jumped out of bed when I saw it said 9:45. I ran around my room in a frenzy, throwing on jeans and a sweatshirt. I rushed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and recoiled when I saw my reflection in the mirror. I looked terrible and more than obviously hung over. I pulled my hair into a tight ponytail and tried to use makeup to hide the black circles under my eyes. After ten minutes, I at least looked presentable, but I knew without question I would be late to meet Dr. Davis’ grad student.
I ran to my phone and sent him a quick text that I was on my way, and grabbed my backpack, which I had thankfully prepared the day before. Jake was still asleep on the couch when I left. I checked his alarm to make sure he hadn’t missed it and when I saw that he had set it for ten, I left quietly before it went off. I didn’t want to talk to him this morning.
Russell was less than thrilled with me when I ran in the lab, ten minutes later than agreed upon.
“Avery, I need to know right now if you are going to flake out on me again this semester?” he asked exasperated. “Precision is an absolute must for this phase and even ten minutes late matters.”
I pushed down my frustration as I tried to see his point of view. “Russell, I promise, this is a one-time thing. I got some news yesterday about my friend who had been in a coma, and I stayed up a little too late celebrating. It won’t happen again.”
The sympathy card seemed to work as he simply huffed and then went on to explain the new phase of work. He was right, precision was essential, and it looked like I would be taking samples all five days during the week. The positive was that it meant only two hours at a time in the lab, but every day felt like a daunting task.
After an hour with him showing and reshowing me the steps, I started to feel nauseous, and excused myself to the restroom, hoping cold water on my neck would calm my stomach. One of the worst side effects from years of throwing up was that my body immediately reacted the second my stomach felt even a little queasy. Today was no different and within minutes I was re-tasting the champagne from the night before.
When I was finished, I tried to rinse my mouth out with water and chewed on a mint. It didn’t matter though, even I could smell the alcohol. Great, what a way to make a good first impression on my new professors.
I bought a bottle of water from the vending machine in the hall and headed back to the lab, determined to get through the morning.
I finished up with Russell and made my way to my Thermo class. It felt different than last year, mostly because I didn’t recognize any of the students in there. My group had all advanced to Thermo II. I sighed and took out my book, ready to learn what seemed impossible last semester.
I had survived my first day, barely, and was on my way to meet Parker in the quad. My stomach had been in knots all day just thinking about seeing him after last night. I knew my behavior was unacceptable, and he deserved so much better than me. Jake had been right. I was far too flawed for a relationship of this magnitude, and if last night proved anything, it was that I would never be able to fully give my heart to Parker the way he expected me to. I felt frustrated by my own weakness and saddened at the idea of losing someone so special.
I neared our spot and quickly spotted him laying on the grass with his head propped up on his backpack. My stomach clenched and my heart started racing. I felt the dread run through my body as I began to question if I would be able to do this.
His eyes were shut as I approached him as quietly as I could. I set my backpack down and laid next to him. His hand immediately found mine and I felt my eyes well up with tears. He rolled over on top of me and gave me a long lingering kiss. I kissed him back with everything I had, wondering if would be the last time I ever felt his touch again.
He sensed my urgency and kissed me with even more passion, taking in every inch of my mouth while he stroked my face. The quad was packed with students, but I didn’t care. I never wanted to let him go. He finally pulled away, but hovered just an inch above my face. “I missed you,” he said softly.
My tears could not be contained, and his face quickly became concerned. “What happened?”
I forced a smile, not wanting to have the conversation yet. “Issy woke up.”
He sat up quickly and pulled me up as well. “When?” he asked enthusiastically.
“Last night. I even got to talk to her and she sounded exactly the same. It was amazing.” The tears were still flowing as I spoke, only they weren’t tears of joy like Parker thought.
“Oh baby, that’s wonderful!” Parker exclaimed cradling me in his arms. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“It was late,” I lied. It was becoming all too easy to do lately.
“It’s never too late, babe, you know that,” he said softly as he ran his finger up and down my back.
I took a deep breath, trying to settle my frazzled nerves. It was now or never and if I waited any longer, I knew I wouldn’t do it. “Parker, I think maybe we should press pause for a little while.” I said it so softly, I wasn’t even sure if he had heard me until I felt his body tense and him move my face up to look at him.
His eyes showed hurt, but also determination as he spoke. “Avery, don’t do this. You’ve been pushing me away for days now and there is no reason to.”
“I just think it’s for the best,” I choked out, pulling away just enough to get him to let go of my face.
“For the best? Are you kidding me? Avery, baby, just last week we were kissing on New Year’s totally optimistic for what this year would bring. There is no way things have changed this drastically in days. It doesn’t make sense.” He was pleading with me now, and I knew I had to say something fast or my resolve would be gone. I was hurting him and it broke my heart.
“I’m just no good for you, Parker. How do you not see that?” I asked as I grabbed at the necklace he bought me. “See this, I don’t even deserve it. I threw up the night of Issy’s accident and never told you. I’m a fraud, Parker, while you’re…well, you’re perfect.” I could feel my voice getting louder as I spoke and tried to quiet myself when I saw others around us start to take notice.
Parker pulled me to him again, despite my attempts to push him away. “I’m not perfect, Avery, although I’m flattered you think so. So you made a mistake, who cares, all you can do is move on and learn from it. I’m not going to judge you for it.”
“But you will,” I whispered. “Maybe not today, but one day you are going to see just how flawed and damaged I really am. When that happens, you aren’t going to look at me like this anymore…and you are going to regret that you ever did.”
Parker flinched as if I had stunned him and then looked at me skeptically. “Where is this coming from? It doesn’t sound like you at all.”
I didn’t answer, but continued to look at him sadly. He sighed and then started talking again, “Sweetheart, I already see you, and I love everything about you. What I can’t figure out is why you can’t accept this from me.”
“Because it doesn’t make sense…” I whispered, my voice trailing off. “There’s nothing here worth loving,” I finally admitted, exposing all my insecurity to him.
He pulled me to himself, shaking his head the whole time. He began to kiss my forehead and moved on to kiss both my cheeks and finally my lips before sternly saying, “I don’t ever want to hear you say that again. And a pause is out of the question. You’re not getting rid of me without a fight.” He held me tighter and I stopped fighting him, allowing myself to return his hold. I was so selfish and weak. I knew I needed to release him, to let him have a life free of me and my self-destructive behavior, but I just couldn’t do it.
Finally, he stood up and pulled me up with him. We grabbed our things and started walking toward the library.
“I don’t want to study there today. I just don’t feel like it. Could we study at your place and then just hang out for a while?” I asked giving him a pleading look. I would have offered mine, but I was not taking any chances with Jake still having a key.
“Sure,” he said laughing, but I could tell there was still sadness in his eyes. Our talk had affected him more than I thought it would, and it became more and more apparent as the night went on. He seemed more affectionate than usual, which was hard to be for Parker and kept his hand on me at all times. He seemed to be reassuring himself I was still there. The most distance we got was when we were studying. I had convinced him to let us go to his room since his roommate, Randy, was watching TV, and I couldn’t concentrate.
I had sat on his bed with my study system fully set up and he was shuffling papers on his desk. I finished all my work in forty-five minutes and just lingered there smiling as I watched him try to be quiet and concentrate. He looked especially handsome tonight, and I couldn’t help but watch as his muscles tensed through his t-shirt. Without thinking I walked over to him and rubbed the back of his head as I sat on his lap facing him. I started kissing him before he could protest, and it didn’t take much before he reciprocated with all the emotion we had both felt earlier in the day.
I slid my sweatshirt off which left only my tank top underneath. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and the impact on Parker was even more significant than I thought it would be. He started kissing my neck and even moved down to the neckline of my tank. I felt him tense as he whispered, “Avery, we can’t...”
“Shhh, just a little longer,” I pleaded taking his mouth in mine again. I needed this tonight, needed this closeness to help make sense of everything I was feeling.
His willpower waned some more as he lifted me on to the bed. His body covered mine and I took the opportunity to explore every inch of his body until he grabbed my hand and held it in his as he continued to kiss me.
Slowly, the kisses became less hungry and more tender as he once again regained control of the situation. He pulled me up to the sitting position, still tenderly kissing my lips and helped me put my sweatshirt back on.
I sighed when he suggested we go watch some TV and followed him out of the room. He continued to keep me close the rest of the night and didn’t say a word about our study session until he walked me to the car.
I unlocked the door and turned to say goodbye when I felt his hungry lips capture mine. He backed me against the car and I felt my whole body catch on fire. After just a minute, he pulled back, but the look of desire in his eyes was startling.
“I’m not perfect, Avery, so don’t think that wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. But…you’re worth waiting for. And today, especially, it just felt wrong,” he said softly with a rasp in his voice.
I knew he was right. I was trying to avoid the emotional intimacy I was still unwilling to give him. It wasn’t fair to either one of us.
“You’re right,” I agreed as I kissed him one last time before getting in my car. He watched until I was out of sight and then I took advantage of the next stop sign to text Jake to let him know I didn’t need him to stay over anymore now that Issy was ok. He replied with a sad face and an “ok.”
I felt relieved as I drove home, but the feeling was short-lived because Jake was already situated on the couch when I walked in my apartment. He stood up defensively when he saw the look on my face and explained, “I was already here when I got your text, so I just wanted to see you before I left.”
I turned and locked the door and set my backpack on the table, trying my best to avoid eye contact with him. “Jake, what happened the other night can’t...”
“Cant happen again. I understand,” he said quickly interrupting me mid sentence. “We both had a little too much to drink, and it crossed the line, I know. Just friends…I haven’t forgotten.”
I walked into the kitchen to get a drink, and he leaned on the counter to ask about my day. I filled him in on the mad dash to the lab that morning and made fun of both my engineering professors. He shared his day with me too, and it was nice to just relax and laugh with him without all the usual tension between us. He made Issy’s absence seem less staggering, and by the time he left I was actually grateful he had come by.
The next day I made sure to be five minutes early to the lab, and Russell was there again, mostly to check up on me I think. He seemed pleased by my punctuality and didn’t stay too long. My three classes for the day were easy enough, and I didn’t even feel tired when I found Parker in the library that afternoon.
“Hey!” he said with a smile when I sat down. He leaned across the table and gave me a kiss hello. “How was your day?”
“It was good. Nothing really to report.” I hadn’t told him that I was late to the lab on Monday, so it seemed stupid to mention that I was on time today. “My Technical Writing class is going to be a breeze. What about you?”
“Ugh…and that doesn’t even begin to describe it. My Tuesday, Thursday classes are miserable this semester. What’s worse, they both include one-hour labs,” he answered wrinkling up his nose. He seemed to be a little more relaxed with me today, which was good.
“Well, you know how much I love lab work. Sounds fun.” The sarcasm was dripping from my voice, and he laughed, knowing my hatred for it.
When he stopped, he finally noticed I hadn’t pulled out any of my books. “Aren’t you going to study?” he asked confused.
“Not really. I got everything done in the lab this morning. I just wanted to come by and say hi.”
He seemed disappointed and surprised. Last semester I always stayed with him even if I was finished for the day. For some reason today, though, I just wanted to get home.
“Is everything ok?” he asked with a weary voice.
“Of course,” I assured him. “You just haven’t seen me in school without being covered head to toe in stress.”
He looked at me questionably and then sighed, “Can I come by when I’m finished?”
I wanted to say yes, but worried once again that Jake might just show up. Parker saw my hesitation and looked visibly hurt.
“I’m going into Asheville to do some shopping today, so why don’t you just call me when you’re done and we can meet up.” I threw it out there a little too quickly and it didn’t sound convincing, even to me.
“You’re doing it again,” he said sadly as he looked intently at me.
“Please don’t read into this, Parker. We spent so much time in the library last semester. I’m just a little tired of constantly studying. I know you have to, and that’s ok. I’ll just meet you later.” I started to stand and grabbed my backpack. He stood too and walked around the table to take my hand.
“How is it possible that I’m looking right at you, but still miss you so much?” he questioned in a resigned tone. I couldn’t figure out why he was so hurt. I just didn’t want to study, that’s all. He was making me frustrated and irritable.
“I don’t know why you are getting so upset about this,” I replied exasperated.
He took my other hand in his and looked at me the way he always did, making me feel loved, yet this time I felt guilty all at the same time.
“You’re not here with me, Avery. I can sense it. You’re holding back again and honestly, I’m still a little haunted by our conversation yesterday. I just want to spend time with you.”
I sighed and touched his face. “And we’ll see each other tonight. I promise.” I gave him a quick peck on the lips and turned to leave. I saw his head drop as he sat back down to study. My stomach turned knowing I was the cause of his pain, but it wasn’t enough to make me turn around and stay. I pushed through the big library doors and sucked cool air into my lungs. The feeling of suffocation was finally starting to leave my body, and I turned to go home, keeping my eyes averted from the spot that Parker and I usually shared.
Halfway through campus, I heard my name being called behind me. I turned around to see Jake jogging to catch up.
“Hey,” he panted with his hands on his knees. “Wow, that was harder than I thought it would be. Whatcha up to?”
“I’m just going to get my car and head into Asheville. I’m feeling the need to get off campus for a little while,” I explained watching him pant. It was mildly amusing.
“Want some company?” he asked as we started back walking towards my apartment.
“Sure,” I agreed a little too eagerly. I then remembered that Parker was going to meet me later. “I can only hang out for a little while. Parker’s supposed to meet me when he’s done.”
“Sounds good. Come on, I’m parked at your place anyway,” he said with a grin. Somehow he had managed to get his hands on a housing parking pass. I didn’t ask how.
“So, did you make it to the lab this morning without my bad influence?” he asked as we walked, taking the opportunity to nudge me with his shoulder. I started laughing and nodded, telling him about Russell still checking up on me. I went on to tell him all about my other classes and was surprised how much I had to say when just minutes ago I had felt blank with Parker.
All the lines were blurring and nothing made sense anymore. I used to feel nothing but comfort and peace around Parker, and now I just felt so guilty every time I saw him that all I wanted was to run away. With Jake, I could just pretend that every thing was fine and not have to deal with all the drama. He wasn’t asking me every five minutes to open up to him and it felt nice to have all my emotions safely tucked away in my head.
I looked up at him while we walked and he shot me his signature smile, making me turn away blushing. Somehow he had done it, made me forget all the heartache and pain I used to feel whenever he was around.
“Lord, I pray that you will bring to light what is hidden in the darkness and expose the motives of the heart. I pray that she sees you have set her free so that she can stand firm and never again be burdened with the yoke of slavery…”