Shame on Me

My mother turns her angry glare to Matt and walks toward him. “Has my daughter kissed you?”


Matt’s eyes widen in fear. He looks from my mother to me.

“Mom, cut it out.”

“I’m going to take that as a ‘yes,’” she tells Matt, completely ignoring my warning. “So you’re a cheater. You don’t look like a cheater. Andy looked like a cheater. I told Paige she should have never married that good-for-nothing.”

“Matt is NOT a cheater, Mom. Matt is a good guy, so leave him alone. I really need to get going. I have work to do. Why don’t I stop by next weekend for dinner?”

I slide my hand around her arm and gently steer her toward the door.

“I’ve got my bridge club next weekend, and Fran is making her Jell-O salad. I can’t miss Fran’s Jell-O salad. I’ll just come with you to work.”

I stop in my tracks and stare down at her. “You can’t come to work with me. I’m going on a stakeout. It could be dangerous.”

Yeah, not really. All I plan on doing is parking my car a block away from Vinnie DeMarco’s house to see if Melanie makes an appearance. The most dangerous thing that will happen is not being able to say no to the ice cream truck when it drives by ten times.

My mother reaches her hand into her purse and this time, instead of a Kleenex, her hand comes back out with a revolver.

“JESUS CHRIST, MOM!”

“HOLY SHIT!”

Matt and I shout at the same time as we dive for the floor while she waves the gun around.

“Oh, for the love of Saint Patrick, will you get up off the ground? It’s not even loaded. The bullets are in my glove box,” Mom says with a roll of her eyes.

“What the hell are you doing with a gun?!” I screech at her from my position on the floor, flat on my stomach with my hands still covering my head.

“The church was broken into again two days ago during our Altar and Rosary meeting. They took the Communion hosts for the next few years this time,” she explains. “We think it was Father John from Holy Cross because he plays poker every week with Father Bob, and Father Bob keeps winning. Father John is a sore loser. Anyway, it’s a dangerous world out there when someone starts stealing Communion. Eunice and I went up to the gun shop and got ourselves some protection. Get up off the floor. I can’t talk to you down there.”

I stare up at her as she points the gun at me while she speaks.

“Could you please aim the gun elsewhere?” I mutter.

My mother sighs in irritation and lowers her arm. Matt pushes himself up off the floor when he sees it’s safe to do so, reaches down, and pulls me up next to him. “What exactly is this stakeout you speak of?”

Brushing myself off, I stare at Matt’s ass as he turns away from me, bends over, and picks up my bag that fell to the ground during my dive to safety.

He really has a great ass.

My eyes flick away guiltily as he turns around and smirks at me.

“I found out where Vinnie DeMarco lives. I’m going to park down the street and see if Melanie shows up.”

Matt stares at me in shock. “Wait, you’ve still been working on this even after everything that happened?”

I shrug. “Well, yeah. It’s not fair, what she’s doing to you. I couldn’t just let that go.”

He has a really good poker face right now and doesn’t give away anything that he’s thinking. I hope this goes a little way toward proving to him that he can trust me.

“I’m coming with you.”

It’s not even a question. He just tells me what he’s going to do. With my sense of independence since I kicked Andy’s ass to the curb, I don’t take too kindly to people telling me what to do. Matt leans in close to me and brushes a lock of hair off of my cheek. “If that’s okay with you.”

Son of a bitch.

A gun with an arm attached to it suddenly shoves its way between our bodies. “Save room for the Holy Ghost. Let’s get a move on. I need to get some food in my stomach so I can take my arthritis medication.”

My mom pushes her way between the two of us and walks out into the sunshine.

I grudgingly follow behind her, leading the way for Matt to follow. I close and lock the door behind us and slide my hand into his as we walk down the front steps toward the parking lot, where my mother is already tapping her foot next to the passenger-side door.

I can’t help being a little embarrassed. This whole thing with Matt didn’t exactly start off under great circumstances, and now I’m dragging him out for an afternoon with my insane mother. Even if I did still believe in fairy tales and happily ever after, I’d have to light that romantic notion on fire at this point. I’m a little shocked he didn’t crash through the front door like a cartoon character as soon as she pulled her gun from her bag.