Son of Destruction

Son of Destruction - By Kit Reed



1




Dan Carteret


Burt was never his real dad. The truth is stamped in Dan’s face. He was built on a different template. By the time he was tall enough to look into a mirror, he knew. He grew up knowing, but when his mother finally let go of her secret she broke it gently, like bad news.

Like, she thought he didn’t know?

Even you could see it, going by at a dead run. With that bullet head and the used-car salesman’s smile, Burt Mixon is nothing like him. Where Dan is tall and easy with you, Burt is mean-spirited and short. He tried to be nice to Dan, but they didn’t like each other very much.

He ran that house like boot camp: spit, polish, morning runs and excruciating clap pushups, the quintessential ex-Marine. The ex part rankled. Something went wrong on Parris Island back in the day, but that was before he married Lucy, and she’ll never tell. After he was separated from the service, Burt set himself up in New London, but he made a bad civilian. After a lifetime of pushing boots, training hick kids to shape up and snap to, he was moving used cars off the lot in a military town, and it rankled. Danny was his last recruit.

‘Did you do that?’ The sequence was pre-set. Burt used to stand over him, waiting for him to cry. When he was really little, it used to work. ‘Well, did you?’

Whatever. That shrug. Dan is tougher now.

‘Goddammit, I’m trying to make a man out of you!’

‘I don’t care!’

He shook off the beatings but not the guilty, conflicted look on his mother’s face. She loved him, probably too much, but Burt was her only husband, and in charge. ‘Don’t.’ He felt the edge of her hand between his shoulder blades – the gentle pressure that told him, It’s all right, love. I’m here. ‘He’s your father.’

Burt was nothing to him.

His mother only ever hit him once, on a strange, sad day before he was old enough to read, and it was so awful that they both cried. He found certain things in her jewel box before she swooped down on him and snatched everything away. Underneath all her beads and bracelets, he found a snapshot of five guys in a Jeep on some beach, laughing so hard that he thought they were laughing at him, and at the very bottom there was an envelope – was that his name? There was a newspaper inside. It was awful: pictures of somebody or some thing laid out in a ruined chair like a burnt-out log in a fireplace. One bedroom slipper with a foot in it, and a naked ankle bone, like it just broke off. Lucy ripped it away from him and smacked him hard. She disappeared it but he remembers. He still can’t make sense of the conflation: four laughing guys and the charred figure in the scorched chair.

Kids like Dan, even kids who grow up happy, travel on the myth: these can’t be my real parents. I’m only stuck here until they come for me. It kept him going through the loneliness and hard times with Burt, and the snapshot fueled the myth. Until he comes for me.

He was fifteen before she told him the truth.

In fact, it wasn’t the main business of the meeting. It came out accidentally. Even though it was late afternoon in late winter in New London, she pulled him out on the back porch and shut the door, Lucy Mixon with her sweet face tight, setting her jaw in that brave little tough-mom way. She was all hung up on it: bent on telling him, not knowing how to say it.

He wasn’t about to start. They stood there shivering.

Finally she said in a tight voice, ‘Honey, you know we both love you very much but I have some kind of hard news.’

He did not act surprised or upset when she explained that it wasn’t going to happen right away, but she and Burt were splitting up. It was over, she had to do it. When he didn’t respond she said, ‘You’re the only person I’ve told.’

He looked past her, watching it get dark.

‘Danny? Dan?’

She wanted him to react, she wanted him to say, ‘It’s OK,’ she wanted him to for God’s sake say something but he just stood there, waiting her out.

After a long time she said, ‘I’m sorry.’

An icicle dropped.

There was only the sound of her waiting.

She said what mothers do in this situation, ‘Don’t worry, he’s not leaving you, OK? No matter what we do, he’s still your father.’

It was so quiet that he could hear the ice cracking on the Thames.

Lucy tried, ‘You don’t seem very upset.’

Like he would feel bad that this abusive, sanctimonious jarhead bastard was being kicked out of their lives. He and Burt hated each other, even though they weren’t allowed to admit it.

‘Danny?’ Even in the dark, Lucy could see he was glad. ‘Dan?’

‘OK.’

The hand she put on his arm was shaking. ‘I’m telling you first, so you won’t feel hurt. We both still love you.’

He must have been one cold little bastard, standing there with his eyebrows clenched and his jaw carved in stone, nothing, not even an eyelid, twitching. Looking back, he feels bad about it. At the time he said, ‘It’s no big deal.’

‘We’ve been a family for so long. I just.’ She didn’t finish. After a while she said, ‘It’s over and I’m sorry, OK?’

It was quiet for way too long. Oh God she was waiting for him to say something, what . . . appropriate.

All these years later he’s sorry he couldn’t have been nicer with her. Softer. He should have hugged her and said he loved her and let her sob into the front of his fleece. He did what he could: he shrugged, signaling no problem, but she was too upset to read signals. ‘Dan?’

Finally he said, ‘OK.’

‘I just don’t want you to be upset.’

Oh Mom, don’t cry. ‘Why would I?’

A light went on in the kitchen. Burt, looking for his dinner. For his wife, the assigned provider. ‘Lucy!’ He yelled loud enough for them to hear through sealed storm windows, ‘Where is everybody? What’s going on? Luce?’

While Danny and his mother stood out there on the back porch with icicles dropping and everything in flux.

She said, ‘We’ve been with him since before you were born, Danny. He’s just like your . . . well, he’s nothing like him, but . . .’

‘What?’

She covered her mouth. ‘Oh honey, please don’t be upset.’

He isn’t? He isn’t! Danny’s heart did a joyful flip. Oh God, I was right. ‘Why, Mom?’

‘You mean why am I telling you or why do I think you’re upset?’

Her face went to pieces. Danny’s face stayed where it was.

‘He tried so hard, and I know he loves me.’ She was desperate to make him like the man she’d picked out to take care of them, she hoped for it even there, at the end of the arrangement. ‘I just don’t want you to miss him too much. Burt, I mean. When he goes.’

‘Like I would give a . . .’

‘Don’t, Danny. Don’t say flying f*ck. Listen. I know you feel bad . . .’

‘I feel fine!’

‘But this might make you feel better. It. Uh. Oh Danny, I . . .’

‘Dan.’

‘Dan. Dan, it.’

It was cold. Spit was freezing on his teeth but they had to stay out here on the rickety back porch until she finished. ‘It’s OK, Mom. You don’t have to tell me . . .’

‘Please, I’m trying to tell you something important.’

He finished, ‘You just did.’

But she didn’t hear. ‘I should have told you before.’

She was a mess. God he hated Burt. ‘He’s going. We’re cool.’

‘That isn’t all.’

‘Mom?’ That little gulp of hesitation scared him. There was always the possibility that she was getting married again.

Inside, pots crashed: Burt fending for himself. Never mind what had just passed between them, or that he understood long before she tried to tell him. Lucy needed to spell it out. She took the requisite deep breath: well. ‘About Burt.’ Sigh. ‘I didn’t want you to go on thinking he was your father.’

An icicle dropped off the porch roof and knifed into the melting snow.

‘He was just a nice guy who came along at the right time.’

Oh, is that all. Danny made her wait so she would understand what he was about to tell her. He dropped spaces between the words like bricks, to make sure she would remember. ‘Like you think I didn’t know?’

‘How?’

Oh, Mom. Don’t look so betrayed. ‘How could I not?’ He made a smile for her, but it was too late, or too fake. ‘Mom, what’s the matter?’

Water sheeted her eyes and hung, not spilling. It was a miracle of surface tension. Lucy was beaming, like, Thank God that’s over. This is how she surprised him: ‘I’m just so glad!’

‘Mom!’

She rushed on. ‘I’m taking my name back. It’s Carteret.’

He was trying to hang tough but as soon as she said it, the surface broke. I always knew.

‘If you want to, you can too.’

Dan Carteret.

‘Yes!’ He covered his face fast, so Burt wouldn’t come running out to see what blazed out here in the dark just now, and shone so bright. He was that glad.

One day my real father will come for me, he told himself. Prisoner of war, he thought, superhero, Marine deserter; the myth kept him going and it crystallized that night: it had to be one of the guys in that snapshot. Why else would she keep it for so long? It didn’t matter which one of the five it turned out to be, he was Not-Burt. Different. Unknown.

‘So you’re OK?’

Gulp hard, man. Breathe. Exhale carefully, so you don’t spook her by shouting. ‘I’m good.’

‘Good,’ she said. ‘Now let’s go back inside.’

‘Not yet.’ Dan put himself between Lucy and the door, trying to lead her where they had to go. ‘So. Carteret. That’s my father’s name?’

‘No. Now, move.’

He swept her hand off the knob. ‘So. What’s Carteret. Something you made up?’

‘It’s my name, Dan, that I was born with. It’s who we are. Now, please. I’m getting cold.’

‘I said, not yet.’

She tugged the door open in spite of him. ‘We’re never going to see him, you know.’

He pushed it shut. ‘Why not, Mom? What is he, dead?’

‘Danny, don’t.’

‘Married?’

‘I don’t know, I don’t know.’ She scrubbed her hands down her face. ‘It doesn’t matter!’

‘In jail?’ They were having a little battle over the door.

‘No. If he was in jail we could . . . We can’t.’

‘Why?’

Her face went through so many changes that it scared him. ‘We just can’t.’

‘Come on!’

Picture of Lucy, thinking. It took her a minute to come up with, ‘There are people I have to protect.’

‘Like who? Him?’

The look she gave him was uncompromising. Fierce. ‘Starting with you.’

‘Fine,’ he said bitterly. ‘So I don’t know who I am.’

‘You’re my son!’

‘I don’t know and you won’t tell me.’

‘You don’t have to be Dan Mixon any more, and that should be enough.’ Lucy’s hands were shaking. Her breath was shaking too. ‘Trust me, Danny, that’s all you need to know.’

‘Come on, Mom!’ Like a cop, he slammed the heel of his hand into his mother’s shoulder; they both heard the thud. ‘What’s his name?’

‘I can’t tell you.’

‘Who is he? Who is he really?’

There was a pause during which he actually believed she was going to tell him. Her head came up, but her eyes were looking past him at something else. Then her voice lifted and floated clean away. ‘Just a boy I thought I loved.’

Inside, a bowl broke on the kitchen tiles and Burt squawked. ‘Lucy!’ Had he guessed she was dumping him? Did he hear them out here on the porch? Dan didn’t think so. Burt didn’t care about Lucy, he was just pissed about the no dinner. ‘Lucy?’

‘What happened?’

She put her fingers over Dan’s mouth, shushing him. Through the back window, they saw Burt slam the oven door and stalk out into the front room. She whispered, ‘Nothing. I can’t tell you.’

God he was so angry. ‘That’s all? That’s all you’re going to say?’

‘That’s all you need to know.’ She turned, as if they were done.

He pulled her back. ‘No it isn’t, Mom.’

‘OK,’ she said finally. ‘It was a boy from home.’

‘Where’s home?’

‘It doesn’t matter.’ Lucy sighed. It was so sad. ‘He wouldn’t want you to know.’

‘That’s a lie.’ His head came up so fast that his neck snapped. ‘He wrote to me.’

‘Not exactly.’ Her expression told him he was right.

‘You tore it up.’

Stabbed in the heart. ‘I’m sorry! I had to protect you.’

‘What else did you tear up?’ He knotted his fists to keep from shaking her. ‘Marriage license?’

‘There wasn’t one.’

‘Funeral notice? Passport?’ If only he’d known what to look for that awful day when he was four, he’d know! I know ways of hunting for things that leave no trace. The treasures she kept hidden made no sense to him at the time: a newspaper he couldn’t read with photos she would not explain, gold football, old jewelry, empty plastic shell – diaphragm case, he understood at fifteen, but not back then – night school BA from Connecticut College – he and Burt wore suits to the graduation – and, what else? ‘My birth certificate?’

‘I would never do that.’

‘Why not,’ he said bitterly. ‘You trashed everything else.’

‘Not that.’ For a minute out there on the back porch they were like two kids squaring off. You flinched. No, you flinched. Then her face crumpled. ‘Oh, honey, that would make you a stateless person. I wouldn’t do that to you.’

‘Prove it.’

‘Of course.’ She sighed. ‘It’s on file in Town Hall, you can get a copy any time you want. You might as well know. I had to tell them something at the hospital, so . . .’ Oh, didn’t she take a long breath then, and wasn’t the voice she finally managed so thin when it came out that she sounded like someone else. Long breath. ‘I told them it was Burt.’

‘Son of a bitch!’

‘I did what I had to.’ Lucy had a strong, sweet face – too pale, but with those beautiful eyes. They loved each other, that was understood. She’d brought him up doing what she thought was best for him, that too was understood. She wasn’t being cruel. She was doing the best she could.

‘If I have a father he has a name, so, what? What’s his damn name? At least you can tell me that.’ When she didn’t answer he took her arm. It was too thin. Even in the heavy sweater, she was rattling with the cold. Was she already sick, all those years ago? He doesn’t know. That night his voice was so thin and shaky that he hated it. ‘If you loved me, you’ll tell me.’

‘I love you, and I can’t.’ She looked up with tears streaming.

‘Won’t!’

‘Won’t, then.’ For the second time that night, she surprised him. ‘I won’t tell you and you have to promise not to ask.’

Oh, Lucy. What are you afraid of? ‘Mom . . .’

‘I’m trying to keep you safe! Now, promise.’

‘Why do I have to . . .’

This popped out in spite of her. ‘Because he wouldn’t want you to know!’

‘Mom!’

Then Lucy’s fingers closed on his so tight that the nails dug in like little teeth. She was struggling to frame an agreement but she had run out of words. ‘Please!’ she cried finally, out of such grief that the implications silenced him.

For a long time they stood just there, Dan with his back stiff and chin jutting, until she jerked him into a hug. He resisted but she pulled him close. They stood, rocking. With her face buried in his chest – When did I get this tall? – his mother wheedled, ‘And you have to promise not to look for him. OK?’

There was a technical term for the answer Dan made her then, which he didn’t learn until he was in college. Let her think he was giving her what she wanted. ‘As long as we both shall live.’

‘Ever.’

The sound Dan came out with then, that let them end the clinch and go inside, could have meant anything. Because they had to survive the moment, she took it as a yes. He’d managed his first broad mental reservation.

He still didn’t know who he was, but things were good. At least they were done with Burt.

Lucy went to court and got her old name back. Carteret. They took the birth certificate to probate court and got his name changed to match. He became Dan Carteret, and it suited him fine. He still didn’t know who his father was, but he went along all right, not knowing. Lucy went back to work on the sub base; she started as clerk typist and advanced to office manager. She looked better than she had in a long time and Dan started doing better in school. They did fine together, just the two of them. The house was quieter with Burt gone, and they let things relax to the point where magazines sat on the coffee table every which-way and you could no longer bounce a quarter off beds made so tightly that it was hard to get back in at night.

There would always be the central question, but Lucy had said everything she intended to say and he loved her well enough to let it pass, at least for now. For his mother’s sake Dan Carteret went along not knowing who he was. He finished high school and went to college outside Chicago not knowing; his mother loved him well enough to let him go to California to look for work. He hugged her hard, saying, ‘I’ll come back for Christmas.’

‘Don’t worry about me.’ She tightened the hug and then broke it with the little push that means goodbye. ‘It’s your life now.’

That first year was hard: no time, never enough money. He was waiting tables, writing spec scripts because in Los Angeles, everybody hopes. He wrote for one of the free weeklies. He even sold a couple of stories to the L.A. Times magazine – a way in. Three or four Christmases went by – she was celebrating with a nice new man, his mother told him when he phoned; she said, ‘Don’t worry about me, I’m happy. Do you know I’m teaching myself to paint?’ She said, ‘Have a great life,’ which he continued to do, not knowing who he was, really, or how Lucy was. By this time it was tacit that she wouldn’t talk about the father, and he wouldn’t ask. They loved each other that much; they understood each other that well, and he went along fine, not knowing. Dan was going along all right, not knowing whether when he went in on Monday, he’d still have his marginal job at the incredible shrinking Los Angeles Times because there was always something else that he could do. He was going along all right, not knowing who his father was, what he meant to her or what went wrong. For Dan Carteret in his twenties, not knowing was like the weather. A condition of life.

He went along fine, not knowing, until it became clear that not knowing was wrong because he didn’t know Lucy was sick until they called from the hospital to tell him to come, she was sinking fast.