New Girl

CHAPTER THIRTY



I DON’T THINK I BELIEVED SHE WAS REALLY DEAD until I was at her funeral.

I had spent ten months building up a case against Becca in my mind. I had turned her into my rival. All the while, she’d just been an unseen body being whipped around by currents and undertow.

She was supposed to be the reason for everything that had happened this year. She was supposed to come back. Not that I’d wanted her to. How many times had I wondered what would happen to everyone if she did? I never had a happy answer for that. And that’s a terrible thing to think.

But here she was. Here was everyone else. Here I was. In a church.

I wasn’t being selfish; I knew this wasn’t about me. That was the problem. I had spent a year thinking about this girl, resenting her at times, and that entire time, she’d been just a ghost. She wasn’t even real anymore. She couldn’t fight back. She was innocent. The dead always are. I think it would be hard to stand over a dead body and ever feel like they completely deserved it. Once someone dies…I don’t know, I don’t want to spout off something about how we come into this world the same way we leave it—alone—because I don’t think that’s so.

We come into the world the furthest thing from alone. We come into the world with everyone fawning over us, and helping us. That’s just not how it is when we die. I don’t know what’s different. Maybe it’s the fact that when you look at someone’s dead body you see their entire lives flattened, with an end point. When I was eight, and went to my grandfather’s funeral, I had that realization. I didn’t even know him. But you look at that person…and you see everything they ever felt, thought, cried over, worried over, was thrilled by, and you realize that someday someone will look down at you when your brain is quiet and you’re lying in your last bed. You realize that everything you think and feel now will be encompassed in the hyphen between two years. It’s not even that depressing, it’s just true.

But of course we couldn’t see Becca’s body, thanks to the ravages of the deep waters. She was just the mystery she’d always been and would be to me. She was on the inside of that chestnut box, only inches of wood separating her from us. Her body anyway.

It was colder than it should be in May. Not just for me, but for everyone. Rain was pounding against the tall, stained-glass windows and no doubt reminding everyone grimly of the night she died, almost a year ago. For me it was just a haunting sound track to the dour scene in front of me, and the gruesome one from the past that my subconscious couldn’t help but imagine.

I was out of place. I knew that. Everyone else knew that. I didn’t know Becca Normandy. But I had to come.

I went to the service kind of early, in an effort to not arrive late and have a rerun of my first assembly at Manderley. So from my seat, somewhere in the back left middle, as inconspicuous as possible, I just watched. Her parents were sitting up front, quietly sitting a respectful and quiet distance from each other. Her mother wore a hat with that net down in front of her face like the girls in old movies. I could see that she had the same blond hair as her daughter. The neat waves met the shoulders of her black dress. She was still, like her husband. There were a few other people on the same bench that I supposed were the rest of Becca’s family.

More people trickled in that I didn’t know. All of the men were wearing dark suits, which made it seem like we were all being transported to another time. All the women and girls wore black panty hose and sensible heels. Everyone looked neat, no one stunning. This wasn’t the time for that.

There were more people on my row now, and no one seemed to notice me. I was exceedingly grateful for that. If I could have come to the funeral and been invisible, I would have chosen to. Eventually, I saw people I knew. Dana, Madison, Julia, other people I’d seen around, many of the teachers. Professor Crawley. Johnny walked in toward the end, but didn’t see me. He sat at the edge of one of the rows nearby. Max saw me and acknowledged me with a nod. But we couldn’t sit together, I knew that. It would feel wrong somehow.

Cam and Blake walked in, hand in hand, behind him. Blake and I locked eyes, and she gave me a sweet smile. I think all I did was give a watery look back at her, but she continued walking silently and took a seat. She was the one who’d convinced me to come. I’d insisted that it might be weird; I never even knew Becca.

“Funerals are about saying goodbye, and about the ending of a person’s life. It’s not like showing up to someone’s birthday when you don’t know her,” she’d said sagely to me. “It’s about showing that you care.”

I was in a haze as the priest spoke. Everyone was absolutely wordless and motionless. It was a horrific reason we were all here and there was nothing good in it. He went on for a while, saying all of the comforting things he had probably said a hundred times to groups like ours.

When it came time for the eulogies, I braced myself. Dana was first. She stood in front of the black sea of people, and breathed visibly.

“This is my first funeral,” she began, “and I don’t know what to do. I know to be sad, and I know to honor Becca. That’s all I know. Maybe that’s all there is.” She furrowed her brow. “I worried about Becca when I knew her, and I only worried more about her from that night on. The night it happened, I guess. And ever since then…up until a few days ago, I mean, I was sure she’d come back. But she’s really gone. I don’t know what I can say. I wish I could have done something to help her. So with the help of Mrs. Normandy, I collected these pictures and made this slide show. I thought it would be a good way to remember my friend.”

A minute later, the lights were dimmed, and there was a projection on a screen.

And there it was. Right beneath her name, Rebecca Elisabeth Normandy. The two dates with the hyphen in between. Then the music started.

The first picture was of a pretty blonde child holding a pumpkin and smiling under a golden sun, one of her front teeth missing. The projector light faded out and then back in to show another image, from a Christmas morning, gaping excitedly and animatedly at a book I couldn’t see the title of. Another, her blowing out ten candles on a pink birthday cake, surrounded by friends at a dining room table. More childhood pictures passed by. Then what looked to me like her first year of public high school. She was smiling gamely, wearing corduroys and a white, long-sleeved T-shirt, and her hair was in a tight ponytail.

The quiet hush of the room was filled now with the echoes of sniffs, a sob here and there, and some uncomfortable shifting.

Some of the pictures after that were ones I’d seen on the wall at Manderley. It was obvious that she’d changed a lot in her last few years—not only in age but in posture and attitude. I gave an almost involuntary shake of the head as I thought of it.

She was laughing in one picture, and holding a red Solo cup, and I saw that she had her tongue pierced.

There were suddenly no pictures from home. All of them were taken at Manderley or with other friends I’d seen and interacted with but never gotten to know.

The slide show faded for the last time, after the picture of Max and her where she was laughing. Then the church lights came back up.

I hadn’t noticed, but Dana had stepped down already.

Max took her place. He didn’t rush into talking. He stood there for a moment, and everyone sat comfortably, letting him take his time. A line came between his brows as he leaned on the sides of the podium.

He straightened up and cleared his throat. “This is very difficult for me, of course. And I have very few words for how I feel. I’m not a big talker.” I noticed people, especially women, looking sympathetically up at him. “She was beautiful. And really vibrant.” He shrugged. “There was just something about her. She would have loved having you all here. Everyone coming here today is a really great way to honor her.” He looked down at the podium, seeing something beyond it. “I will never forget Becca. I know that much. I will never, ever forget her.”

He stepped down, and stopped in front of her parents. He shook Mr. Normandy’s hand and leaned down to kiss Mrs. Normandy on the cheek. She took and held on to his hand for a moment and then she rose, and he patiently remained standing there until she let him go with a pat.

She was next. I hadn’t seen her face yet, and was surprised to see that it was not puffy or red. It was stone-cold as she walked to the podium.

“I want to thank all of you for coming today. It means a great deal to our family.”

And then she stepped down, and back into her seat. What? Blake, who was sitting a few rows in front of me, looked back at me. I shook my head, baffled. That was her mother. That was all she had to say?

I thought for a moment maybe her husband would step up and speak for both of them, but no. It came to a close. Becca and her coffin would be flown back to her home in Chicago for the burial at the family plot.

Everyone poured out of the chapel, and I veered off up some stairs. I felt strange, and a little overcome. I needed to break away. I didn’t want to stand outside with everyone or mingle, or feel how I was feeling in front of anyone else. They would think I was assuming their grief as my own, and I didn’t want that. There was a bathroom at the top of the stairs, and I ran in.

I leaned against the wall, not entering one of the three stalls, and felt the cold tiles through my dress. I shut my eyes and breathed. So much had changed for me. So much had happened. And I couldn’t even think about any of it without feeling blasphemous and selfish.

A moment later, I jumped as the door opened. It was Becca’s mother. Her face had changed. She still wasn’t crying, but I could see something like desperation in her eyes. It reminded me of when Max had taken me down to the beach and had looked so hollowed.

“Oh,” she said, surprised to see me, too.

I couldn’t think of anything to say, and leaving immediately would seem rude. She stood in front of one of the mirrors and tried to stand up straight. A few seconds later, she had collapsed onto the floor into tears.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know her. I didn’t know Becca. I didn’t know how to soothe someone even, not for something like this. So I just did what I felt compelled to do. I knelt down next to her, and put a hand on her shoulder. She leaned almost imperceptibly toward me and laid a hand over mine.

Neither of us said a word for a few minutes. I didn’t ask if she was okay, because what a useless question that was. She wasn’t okay. I could see that. I didn’t ask if there was anything I should do. I knew I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t ask if she wanted to talk. If she wanted to, she would.

When her sobbing subsided, she patted my hand as she had Max’s, and took a deep breath. She whispered an apology, and I shook my head.

“Don’t apologize.”

“Were you one of her Manderley girls?”

“I— No. I just transferred this past year. I never knew her.”

She nodded slowly. “Heard of her, no doubt.”

“Yes, I’ve heard a lot. Everyone talks about her all the time. She really made an impact.”

She raised her eyebrows knowingly. “Oh, I’m sure she did.”

“I had to come to the funeral. I know I didn’t know her personally, but…I don’t know, it sort of felt like I did.” My honesty flowed out of me before I could stop it. “I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course.” Mrs. Normandy stared at her slightly aging hands. “I don’t know what to do with Becca gone.”

I didn’t know what to say.

She shook her head and went on. “I don’t know why I feel that way. She hated me. She wouldn’t let anyone near her. I’m so…I’m so mad at her for that. Why couldn’t she just let me know her?” Her tears began anew. “I want my baby back. I want her to come home and I want to do it right this time! I just let her do whatever she wanted. I shouldn’t have done that.”

She needed to say this, I could tell. She still didn’t look at me. I listened, and said nothing.

“She was always loved, but she was always cold. She was never happy with what she had. Nothing moved her. Nothing. I don’t know that she ever loved anyone, or hated anyone.” She waited a few seconds before narrowing her eyes as if trying to figure something out. “But she hurt people. She would say hurtful things, and do things just to do them. I just…I just want her back. I want to understand her. I want to try harder to understand…” She breathed deeply again. “It’s my fault. It must be. I don’t know what I did wrong....”

I felt motivated to speak up. “Sometimes things happen, and they aren’t because of anyone. Sometimes they just are.”

She looked up, as if she was startled to find me next to her.

“Maybe.”

I nodded, not knowing what else to say as she didn’t take her gaze from me.

“I’m pregnant.” She whispered the words. “I haven’t even told my husband yet. It feels wrong to be bringing someone else into the world after losing Rebecca. But what if this baby is the same?” She laid a hand on her stomach. “What if I can’t raise a happy child? What if I’m just…unfit?”

She was pleading with me for an answer I knew I couldn’t give. So I just shook my head and said, “You will be fine, and so will your baby. I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong with Becca. She just was who she was. It’s not your fault.”

The woman searched my eyes, and a small, sad smile appeared on her face. After another few seconds, she started to stand. I helped her up, and noticed she smelled a little bit like alcohol.

She recovered herself, as if morphing back to a former self, to what she had been when I’d first seen her. As if this had never happened.

She looked at me for a long moment, mouthed the words thank you and left. I would never see her again.

I was in the bathroom for fifteen minutes after that. Recovering, or something.

When I went back downstairs, most people were gone. Cabs, cars, town cars and one limo were sloshing out of the parking lot. I stepped out of the tall open doors and under the awning.

Now it was time to graduate.

Somehow the kick of graduating had ebbed. But seeing my family felt like surfacing for air for the first time in months.

My parents and Lily flew up the morning of graduation, and we’d be flying back together that night because that was the cheapest way. I only had time to hug them all, and then direct them to the auditorium to wait. The ceremony was starting in an hour.

I put on my cap and gown with everyone else. No one was saying much. I wanted to leave throughout the entire ceremony, which seemed to drag on for days. Some people were back to chatting and laughing, whispering and thinking already of their futures and not of their pasts. But I just couldn’t.

I wouldn’t have even gone if it hadn’t have meant so much to my parents. When it came time for my name to be called, a sense of finality washed over me. I was finished, I thought, walking across the stage to shake hands with the administration. I was finished with high school. Finished with Manderley.

My parents stood and cheered at my name, and I smiled for what felt like the first time in too long. They were proud of me. They’d never have to know about the whole past year, and how awful it had been in some ways.

Could I look at it now with a wise eye and say that it had all been for the best, and that I was better from the experience?

As we all stepped out into the hall to take pictures with our families, I think all of us felt the oldest we’ve ever felt. So much was coming for us. There was a small twinge in my stomach when I thought of Becca, who had never gotten this far. She was gone, and had nothing in her future. I wondered how long that thought would plague me.

“Congratulations, honey!” My dad picked me up and spun me around.

“I am bursting with pride,” my mother said with tears in her eyes. “You have done so much. You should be so proud of yourself.”

I hugged her, too, and then Lily. She was jumping up and down next to me. As I hugged her, I caught eyes with Johnny. He gave a half smile, and a nod. I smiled back.

“So introduce us to your friends!” my mother cooed. “I want to know who you’ve been spending all this time with!”

“Oh, I don’t know. Everyone’s with their families....”

Just then, Max walked up. I suppressed whatever was rising in my chest. I didn’t want to say goodbye to Max. I just wanted to start over. Not that the thought of reliving the past year was any kind of appealing.

“Congratulations,” he said.

“You, too,” I said. “These are my parents, and this is my little sister, Lily.”

He shook hands with both of them and introduced himself. He even held out his hand for a high five from Lily. She blushed and then hid behind my father’s legs, peeking out at Max.

“Your daughter is amazing. I just wanted to tell you that I feel better for having known her.”

I smiled and looked at my shoes.

“She sure is amazing, isn’t she?” my father said, rustling my hair.

“Together for a picture, please!” my mom gleefully said and stepped back.

Max and I stood together, his arm around me. He kissed me, as he so often had, on top of the head as the flash went off. I would always love the picture, even though my smile was small and his brow was furrowed. It held so much in it.

“Adorable,” she said. “But both of you try to look happy this time!”

We took one more picture, both of us smiling like you’re supposed to in pictures.

“Thanks,” I said to him.

“No problem. Do you want to meet my parents?”

“Sure.”

He walked me over to them, and I did as he had done. I held out my hand and met each of them.

“I saw you up there, congratulations on your graduation,” said Mr. Holloway. “Couple of cords, I see. Smart girl, huh?”

“I try to be.” I smiled as genuinely as I could. I was too aware of Max next to me, and the fact that he would soon not be.

His mother said nothing, just looked at me.

“Max is…” I looked up at him. I wanted to return the favor and say something nice to his parents about him. But emotion was filling me. “Max is…” I smiled and breathed very intentionally to stop from getting watery. I felt like they might be able to see that.

“I have to show my parents around and then leave. It was so nice meeting you.”

They said their goodbyes to me. Max hugged me and told me he’d talk to me soon. Then I turned, feeling like I’d said goodbye all wrong. That couldn’t be it. I hadn’t held on to him long enough.

“That’s the kind of girl you ought to spend your time around,” I heard his father saying as I walked away. I smiled to myself, still biting my lip to keep from crying.

My mom put her arm around me, and ran her hand up and down my arm.

I led them around, showing them the dining hall where I’d spent the mornings with Max and his coffee and newspaper. Where I’d gotten my hot chocolate for the nights I spent alone. I showed them the senior study room, my haven from the rest of the place. I remembered when he’d kissed me there.

I showed them my room, which was empty and characterless. I remembered all the nights I’d thought about him as I fell asleep. I also looked under the bed, which was now empty and void of the mysterious Louis Vuitton suitcase.

My mother was enchanted with every last corner of the place, taking pictures every time we’d let her. “Ooh,” she said, “this place is just wonderful. Would you like to come here some day, Lily?”

“Yes!” she shrilled.

I privately wondered what ghosts would haunt these halls by the time Lily got here.

We ran into Cam and Blake, who were on their way out. They were polite, as always. Blake squeezed me hard and told me that we just had to stay in touch. Cam smiled and told me he was happy I’d come to Manderley.

When they left, I already missed them.

Dana was already gone. The funeral was the last time I’d ever see her. She hadn’t come to graduation. I told my parents that when they asked about my roommate.

“Why didn’t she go?” my mom asked, looking concerned.

“That girl who was missing, Becca Normandy? Do you remember when Michael told you about her over break?” They nodded. “They just found out she died. Dana and she were really close.”

“That’s a shame,” my dad said, shaking his head. “I feel that everybody loses someone during their teen years.”

“Did you know her best friend?” Lily asked.

I hesitated. “No.”

“That’s good.”

At last, we went out to the front circle with our suitcases to wait for the cab. I saw Madison and Julia, who dashed over to me and told me they’d miss me. They both still looked very depressed. I wondered how long it would take for them to be okay again. They were just telling me they’d find me on Facebook when Johnny walked over. Madison and Julia went off to talk to Susan, who said nothing to me.

“Hey, new girl.” Johnny smiled as he came over to me.

“Hey.”

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too. I don’t know what I would have done this year without you.”

“You better shoot me a text every once in a while.”

“I will. You, too. Here, give me your number.”

He took my phone, put it in and handed it back. He gave me a quick hug and said, “Seriously. Texts.”

“Come on!” Lily shouted.

“I’m coming!”

“I really do hope we see each other again,” he said earnestly.

I nodded. “Goodbye, Johnny. Thank you for everything.” I went off to join my family.

“That’s us,” my dad said when a van pulled up. “Number seventy-two.”

I got in the car, and had a sinking feeling as I realized I wasn’t going to see Max again. But just as I thought it, Lily exclaimed.

“Look, it’s that guy!” She was pointing at someone running through the crowd of waiting people.

It was him. I beamed when I saw him. “Go ahead, I’ll get in in a sec.”

I ran to him, and met him about thirty feet from the car.

“I thought I wasn’t going to see you again before I left,” I said into his shoulder.

“I know. I know. I’m sorry. My parents wanted to talk to the headmaster about my performance and wouldn’t let me leave. I wanted to. I had to say a real goodbye to you.”

“Me, too.”

He gave me one last, long look, and then cleared his throat. “You’d better go.”

“I know.”

Max leaned down to kiss me on the cheek, and I held him there. I turned to look at him. He moved a fraction of an inch toward my lips.

“Lily!” my mother shouted.

I turned to see Lily running up to us. “She has to go!” she said sternly to him. She then turned and marched resolutely back to the van.

I was just starting to apologize for her when Max kissed me. I felt everything fall away, and kissed him back. When we broke apart, I realized how much I was really, really going to miss him.

“We wasted time,” he said with a laugh that didn’t quite meet his eyes.

“Yes, we did.”

“Go,” he said with a sly smirk, “or that sister of yours is gonna punch me right in the knees.”

I gave him one long look, and then ran back to the van.

“Hey, Callie,” he said, when I was a few feet away.

I turned at the sound of my name. “Yeah?”

“I’ll see you next year.”

I smiled and looked at him. “What do you mean?”

“I got into Harvard.”

I walked back to him. “What? I didn’t even know you were trying!”

He smiled. “I didn’t want to say anything. It was a crazy dream. I didn’t think it’d actually happen.”

“That’s amazing, Max.”

He nodded. “So if you make the right choice…and pick BU, we’ll be right next to each other.”

The urge to cry happened all over again. “I already accepted.” I smiled. “I’ll see you next year.”

We both knew there was nothing more to say. I ran to him, just to feel him one last time. He kissed me and then pushed me off toward the van.

I looked at him as we drove away. He didn’t move, but just stood with his hands in his pockets.

“You certainly had your choice of them here, didn’t you?” my mom said happily. “Where to for dinner, do you think? I saw this cute little place next to the…what was it, Eastgate Hotel? We have about four hours until the flight, and we simply must have a celebratory dinner.”

I was barely listening as the school receded out the back window. I remembered Manderley as it had been on my first day. The inside had been a mystery; the outside was a breathtaking facade of ivy and promise. Any story could have unfolded within its walls. When we drove back down the narrow road, and Manderley finally disappeared from view, I felt oddly nostalgic for the place I’d been so eager to leave. I knew now that I would never be back again. It may have burned to the ground as I drove away, and I would never know.

And as I left for the last time, I could have sworn I saw a tall, thin, blonde girl standing at the entrance of Manderley.

* * * * *