New Girl

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN



I SPENT THE NEXT FEW WEEKS MOSTLY ALONE. I went to classes. I painted. I called my parents and told them the bare minimum of what was going on. I pulled away from Max and everyone else I knew. Blake still sat down with me every time she saw that I was alone in the dining hall or wherever, but at this point all I was doing was counting down the days until graduation. The one final social thing I had left to do was go to Blake’s birthday party. I’d promised her I would, and had decided that just maybe it would cheer me up.

Blake’s mom had paid for a school bus to take us from Manderley to Eastgate. Blake was wearing a dress and a flashing crown that blinked the number eighteen. She was standing by the door to the bus with Cam, getting hugs, birthday wishes and sometimes presents from everyone passing by her.

“Happy birthday, Blake—I’m sorry I didn’t have time to get you a present or anything.”

“Are you kidding? I don’t expect anything from anyone! I’m just glad you came. Is… Do you know if Max is coming?”

I was growing a bit practiced at answering questions like this. “I haven’t talked to him.”

She looked pityingly at me.

“It’s fine,” I said. “I want to have fun tonight.”

I might as well. What did I have to lose? Next year I’d have another fresh start. I’d be back with my friends at FSU. Or I’d have a fresh start at BU.

I took a seat on the bus, and a few minutes later I heard Blake squeal outside, and looked out to see Johnny picking her up and wishing her happy birthday. “You’re finally a grown-up like the rest of us.” He laughed. Their voices were muffled, but they were right beneath my window.

“Oh, I’ve been more grown-up than you guys for years.”

“That’s probably true. We’ll have fun tonight.” He kissed her on the cheek, and then pounded fists with Cam. The three guys with him said happy birthday and got on the bus.

I brushed the hair from my eyes and looked fixedly out the window. I couldn’t help but glance back just in time for Johnny to notice me. He cocked his head with concern, and I felt grateful he was there.

“You doin’ okay?” he asked when he got to my seat. He let his friends go ahead of him and take their seats.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Johnny, dude, come see what that chick from back home just texted me.” Ricky was snickering in the back and calling him.

“Do you want me to sit up here?”

“No, no, of course not. Go. I’ll see you in, like, a block.”

“Okay. I’ll be your chaperone tonight, ’kay?” He winked and went back.

Blake finally got on the bus and said we were ready to go. “Now I know it’s not much of a surprise probably, but my brother, Wes, bought me all the alcohol we could possibly need for tonight.”

There was a collective cheer on the bus. I looked out the window. Max definitely was nowhere in sight.

Cam stood up. “But hey, everyone remember to be respectful to the hotel rooms. This is Blake’s present to all of us for her birthday, so let’s not make her regret it. Okay?”

I envied their relationship. They were both so good to each other, and always seemed happy. Cam was even willing to play bad cop, doling out the warning.

Someone started singing “Happy Birthday,” and then everyone joined in. I couldn’t help but smile.

I would have fun tonight. I had to. Plus, what did I have to lose?

Three hours in, all thoughts of Becca and the mystery surrounding her were gone from my mind and everyone else’s. Maybe it was the change in scenery and routine that did it. Perhaps I felt it less immediately because Max wasn’t there. Instead of being at dark, cold Manderley with its cobwebs and secrets in every corner, we were in a fresh and clean hotel room. There were soft, comfy beds, clean, white walls and a phone to connect us to someone who could bring us towels or pillows if we wanted them. I didn’t know who’d been in this room before, and whoever it was, they hadn’t left behind their suitcase or a lot of questions for me to wonder about.

It was one of those nights that had few activities but was fully occupying for every moment. I chatted with people, played card games and finally felt like myself. I was confident and happy. I also watched what I drank, because I knew I never, ever wanted to feel like I had earlier in the year.

We were playing Kings, a simple game in which everyone sits around in a circle, each person taking their turn pulling a card from a facedown circle and obeying the rule connected to each card. After drawing the card, we placed it in the space under the tab of a beer. Whoever makes the tab pop loses and has to chug the beer.

Blake pulled a seven and, as the rule goes, put a hand in the air toward the rhyming “heaven.” Cam was the last one to do it, so he took a sip of his drink.

“Oh, Cam, you should have known! I’m your girlfriend, aren’t you supposed to know what I’m thinking?” She smiled at him, and he smiled back.

“I did, sweetie, I just wanted to take one for the team.”

“Ha!” Blake scrunched up her nose and kissed him.

Johnny was next. He pulled one. “Poorly shuffled. I got an eight.”

“Pick a date!” one of the guys Johnny had arrived with, said. Tony? I didn’t remember his name. And right now I didn’t care.

Johnny looked at me and grinned. “You.”

“Me?” I asked, laying a hand over my heart in mock honor. I knew he was just doing it to make me feel better and more included.

He nodded.

“Well, I’m touched. After all, being your drinking date means I have to drink every time you do. Considering how bad you are at this game, we’ll both be wasted.”

Everyone laughed, and the girl next to him took her turn.

Johnny, probably intentionally, lost almost every round for the rest of the game. I glared at him, unable to wipe the smile from my face. In the end, Blake lost when she popped the tab. Cam drank the beer for her.

When he finished, he pulled his phone from his pocket and then looked at me.

“Max is on the way. He’s taking a cab.”

My heart lurched.

“Wha— Really?” That was uncharacteristically spontaneous of him.

“He said he needs to talk to you.”

Everyone looked at me, and there was a flip in my stomach. What could he need to say now?

Fifteen minutes later, he walked in and directly to me. He laid a hand on my cheek and kissed me. In front of everyone. He’d never done that before.

I could feel the eyes on us. At first no one noticed, but then the conversations died down one by one. I almost laughed as I realized they all wondered what was happening. Had this been going on, had they been right about Max and the new girl?

I reveled in the beauty of showing them all that I was worthy of more than just gossip and drawn conclusions. I was worthy of my own storyline. I wasn’t just an unreal character in their lives; I was someone who had secrets. I was someone Max wanted to kiss. And that was something none of them could say.

My stomach did a few more flips, and when he pulled away, I didn’t know what to say.

“Let’s go outside.”

We walked out of the loud room and into the far quieter hallway. We moved away from the muffled sounds coming from our room, down the stairs and then outside. The cool air felt good on my flushed cheeks.

“I think this is the first time I’ve been glad it wasn’t hot outside.”

“Yeah, it feels good.” He took a swig from a Pepsi he’d swiped on the way out. “You look…good. You look good tonight.”

“Thank you. You, too,” I said, trying to find the wall behind me. I turned to see that there wasn’t one. “How cold do you think that pool is?”

“Freezing.”

I walked toward it, my gait one of slight figure eights. “Dare me to jump in?”

“Absolutely not.” He looked past me. “I dare you to jump in there though.”

I followed his gaze. There was a hot tub behind a clump of trees. I turned back to him, smiling, and bit my lip. I kicked off my shoes and ran to it. It would feel good to be submerged in water again.

I heard him following me. I kicked off my jeans and pulled off my shirt, feeling confident and glad I’d worn a black bra and underwear.

He laughed. “You’re really getting in?”

“Pfft. Of course. I never reject a dare.” I took a tentative step in. “Ooh!”

“Hot?”

“Ohmygod,” I said, breathing methodically. “Well, wait, you’re going to have to get in, too.”

Max looked back at the hotel and then raised an eyebrow. “Okay, you got it.” He set down his can and took off his shirt.

I looked at his stomach and chest, and felt the surge of desire I always did with him. He was strong. He was…not like most of the guys I’d known in high school—he looked like a movie star playing a high school student. I tore my eyes away as he lowered his jeans, exposing muscular legs. I glanced at them, and he caught me.

“Hey,” he said, “no guy looks cool in only his boxers.”

“Sure.” I tried to play it off like that had been what I was thinking.

“This is hot as hell.” He sucked air in through his teeth as he got in.

“You’ll get used to it.” I dipped my hair in the water and slicked it back and out of my face.

He smiled at me. “You’re gorgeous, you know that?”

Before even feeling flattered, I thought immediately of Becca. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help it. I knew he didn’t think I was all that she was. What words had he used to describe her, I wondered?

But I just smiled back. “Don’t I have mascara all under my eyes?”

“A little.”

I wiped with my fingertips. “Did I get it all?”

“Not even.” He came over to me, still smiling. “Here.”

He took his thumb to my skin. This might have been the closest we’d been in months. And I felt the same wave I’d felt the first time he’d kissed me and told me he liked me. I wanted him.

He moved his hand down, and then his thumb was on my cheek and his fingers were in my hair.

I stared back at him. Daring him.

A small line appeared between his eyebrows. His grip tightened slightly on me. Our breath in the air mingled with the steam, and I was surprised to find I was practically whispering. “It’s been a while since we…”

“I know. Believe me, I know.”

My heart started pounding hard as soon as he kissed me. He pulled me on top of him as he sat down on the bench under the water. The steam gathered around us, and the jets shot out ferocious bubbles that covered the sounds of our breathing with their loud simmering hum.

I was afraid every second that he was going to stop. I didn’t want him to. For once, I wanted him to please just kiss me. I didn’t want him to pull away and shake his head or to apologize or to make up an excuse and disappear. But he didn’t. His arms wrapped strongly around my back, and then he unsnapped my bra with an effortless twist. He ran his hands around my ribs, constantly pulling me closer. He didn’t care if anyone saw. Neither did I.

But even so, I was very glad we were alone.

“Do you want to go back into the party?” Max asked.

It was half an hour later. I looked at him and immediately saw what he was feeling. No, he hadn’t pulled away from me this time, but he was about to now.

“Whatever you want to do.”

“She gave you a key for a room, right?”

I fumbled in the wad that was my jeans to find the pocket that had the card. “Yep. Room 402.”

“You want to go hang out there?”

“Sure.”

He followed me up the stairs, past the noisy party, and into 402. Once inside, I sat down on the end of one of the two full-size beds and stared at the pattern on the floor.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out some change. “You want chips?”

There was a tension between us that I couldn’t quite lay my finger on.

“If you’re going.”

I sat in silence while he walked down the hall to the vending machines. Max returned a few minutes later with two bags of chips. One of them was sour cream and onion, my favorite. He knew that much about me.

He handed it to me, but I didn’t open it.

“What’s wrong, Max?”

He sat down next to me. “Nothing.”

“I feel like this…whatever we’ve been has been really hard for you. But why did you continue on with me, if you only ever thought of…Becca?”

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the fact that finals were a stone’s throw away and I’d never see Manderley again. Maybe it was the fact that I had finally hit my limit.

“I’m with you because I like you.”

“No,” I said, and shook my head, “you don’t. Every time we touch I know you’re comparing me to her and thinking about her. I know you think about her constantly. I know you can hardly stand being around me because I pale so much in comparison. Which is bullshit because there is nothing wrong with me. I don’t care how perfect she was or whatever, I’m pretty damn good, too.”

He said nothing for a moment, and stared down at the design on the carpet, his expression very serious. Without looking at me, he responded.

“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. And I feel like I squandered my chance with you.”

“Don’t just say that because you feel bad, seriously I’ve had enough of—”

“I’m not. I— You’re just amazing.” He shook his head. “There’s no way for me to tell you exactly how much you’ve meant to me. This just makes me hate her so much more.”

“Hate who?”

He paused. “Becca.”

“Hate her? What do you mean hate her? I get that you weren’t as in love as everyone thought, but—”

“No, I really grew to hate her.”

I didn’t know what to say. “I had no idea.”

“She was just a girl. Just someone to hook up with and have fun with. But somehow my life became all about her trying to find happiness. Through that whole year, she just got more and more unhappy. I felt bad then for not loving her. Even though she didn’t love me. I just wanted to be able to give her the admiration she wanted. But I didn’t. And that night…I screamed at her. I was at the end of my rope. I was frustrated. I was angry. If she’s dead…I don’t know. I accept some kind of responsibility for it. I’ve felt guilty forever. I was one of the last people to talk to her.”

“But she’s been spotted, right? So I mean, there’s hope.”

He waved away the suggestion. “I don’t know. There are a lot of blonde girls that could look like her.”

“But Dana…”

“Dana’s practically a nut job. She doesn’t want people to stop looking.”

“The Facebook update, there was that.”

“Someone could have hacked it. Some kind of prank or something.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. I just feel bad. She was really unhappy in the end.”

We were there for a few minutes, both of us thinking and saying nothing, just being together and alone in the quiet room listening to the quiet hotel sounds around us.

“I left my purse in the other room,” I said.

“Let’s go get it. I kind of want a beer anyway.”

We walked out of the room and across the hall. The party had died down for the most part. Some people were passed out, and others were still drinking. I looked outside and saw that Johnny was making out with some girl. For a moment I wondered if it was Dana, but then I saw blond hair.

“There you guys are!” Cam exclaimed, taking a gulp from his beer.

There was a movement on the couch, and I saw that Dana was lying down. She looked around and her eyes caught on Johnny. She stood and crept to the balcony door. It was like watching a zombie rise from a grave.

She slid it open, with much struggle. She was obviously very drunk.

“Johnny…” she said.

He turned, and let go of the girl. It was Susan. The Becca look-alike.

“Dana’s already puked,” Blake said, as she walked up next to us.

“Really?”

She nodded and looked concerned as she walked to the other side of the room. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this bad. She’s like…weird drunk. She looks like she’s on something else. But Ricky swears he didn’t give her any pills or anything.”

“That’s good,” I said.

“Johnny, why’d you…” Dana leaned on the door frame and then slid down onto the ground. Her skirt came up past her underwear. She was too wasted to care.

Johnny came over to her and fixed her skirt. “Come on now, Dana, get up.” The way he spoke to her was gentle and kind. I remembered his feelings for her, and wondered if they were still there.

“Johnny, I’ve love you, ’n you doe c-care.”

She couldn’t form words. Her eyes were out of focus. I wondered if she even knew she was conscious.

“I didn’t mean to, you know,” she said. “I didn’t… It wasn’t… I didn’t mean to. I just didn’t mean to, you know.”

“Stand up, sweetie, come on. Please.”

“Don’t call me that.” Her face contorted, and she started to cry. The room was silent as we all watched her. She was weeping now, like a person does when they are alone. “I just wanted you and you didn’t—and then she took you, and then, then her, too, and now Susan, too. Why did you do it?”

She smacked his hands as he tried to get her to stand up. My face went red as she shifted her unfocused gaze to me.

“And why did you?” She pointed to me. “You could have had anyone…but you had to do it with him. Why did you have to do it with Johnny?”

“M-me?”

“Why did you have to hook up with him? Johnny is the only one I wanted. And you…you had to…”

She tried to breathe, but couldn’t stop crying enough to do it quietly.

“I didn’t, Dana. If you mean me…I never did anything with Johnny.” Everyone’s gazes shifted to me.

“You didn’t? You did. You said you did, you were talking about it with Blake, you said so. In the bathroom.”

I shook my head. “No, no, no, no, no. I never did anything with Johnny. I never said I did. And I won’t.”

“She did. Becca did.” She nodded, her head moving in huge motions. “She did that. She knew I liked him. She knew everything. But she did it anyway.”

Everyone seemed to be waiting for me to respond. “Um,” I said. “I’m not actually Becca, you know…and I’m sure she didn’t know. Or she wasn’t trying to hurt you. Maybe she just…couldn’t help it or something.”

“But he loved her. You loved her.” She pointed to him. “And then she got pregnant. It was your baby. She was pregnant. When I found out…when I found out she’d been hooking up with you, it made so much more sense.”

Now we all looked to Johnny. The color was gone from his face. “Why do you think that?”

“She told me. She knew. And that night…the last night. That’s when you said you’d have been with me—” she pointed lazily at herself “—if she hadn’t messed it up. And then she said she wanted to be with you still. Still is the operative,” she said, stumbling over it, “word there. You guys were hooking up all along. And the baby was yours.”

No one said anything. I looked at Max. He was as pale as Johnny. He reached for my hand, and held it hard.

“I didn’t mean to do it,” said Dana, who was now lying flat on her back. “I didn’t mean to.”