Light in the Shadows

CHAPTER NINE


-CLAY-



I stuffed clothes into my suitcase. I’m not sure why, but I started putting everything inside. My pictures, my books, everything. I had every intention of coming back after the funeral but something inside me told me to be prepared.

“So you’re leaving, huh?” I looked over my shoulder to see Maria standing in the doorway, hands shoved in the pockets of her hoodie. Her smile was hesitant and I could tell she was unhappy.

“Yeah, my plane leaves at six-thirty,” I answered her, turning back to the pile on my bed. Maria didn’t say anything else and she didn’t come any further into my room. When I was finished, I closed the lid to my suitcase and zipped it. Heaving it off the bed, it fell to the floor with a thud. I ran my hands through my hair and knew it was sticking up all over the place but I didn’t give a shit.

I had slept like crap. My eyes were gritty and tired. My mind was fuzzy and my mouth felt dry. I felt like I had been run over. Maria leaned against the jam and watched me quietly. “You coming back?” she asked looking around my now very bare room. Tyler’s side was still a wreck but mine was devoid of any sign that I had ever occupied it.

“I plan on it,” I said unconvincingly. Because I knew, even then, that it would be hard to leave once I got home. Not when Ruby needed me. But I had promised myself that I still had to make my treatment a priority. But priorities had a way of changing.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you will,” Maria said with a sad resignation.

“Maria. Look…” I started but she held up her hand, stopping me.

“I get it, Clay. You don’t have to explain. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about Lisa. She was really cool. I’m glad I got to hang out with her when she came down here. I wish I could be there for you. We all do. We’ll be thinking of you,” Maria said softly, smiling in a wistful kind of way.

“Thanks. I really needed to hear that,” I told her truthfully. I was running on auto pilot right now. Not sure what the hell I was going to do when my plane touched down in Virginia. I had called Ruby that morning to let her know I would be flying in tonight. She insisted on coming to get me, even when I argued that I could rent a car. She wouldn’t hear it, saying she needed to be the one to do it. I didn’t try to talk her out of it. There was no point. She’d be there to get me, no matter what. She had always been there for me. And that wouldn’t stop just because her life had detonated.

Maria came over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. I slowly brought my arms up to hug her back. She rested her cheek on my chest and I lowered my chin to the top of her head. We stood that way for a while until I pulled away.

Maria took my hand between hers and held on. “I’ll miss you,” she confessed, looking embarrassed for some reason. I squeezed her hands before pulling away.

“You too.” I smiled at her and she tried to smile back. I looked at the clock on the wall and realized I had to get to my meeting with Dr. Todd. “I’ve got to get going. You want to meet up for lunch?” I asked her, feeling strange with the tension in the room. I wasn’t exactly sure what this was, but I just knew I had to get away from it.

I knew Maria meant well, but I also knew how much she had come to depend on our friendship. And I just couldn’t handle worrying about what that would mean for her when I left. I didn’t like having anyone dependent on me for their happiness. Because that hadn’t worked out so well the last time it had happened.

“Sure,” she said, taking note of the way I moved away from her. She respected my need for space and let me walk away. I hurried to Dr. Todd’s office and he was already waiting for me.

“Clay. How are you?” he asked after I closed the door behind me. I only shrugged as I sat down.

“I’m not really sure,” I answered honestly. Dr. Todd nodded.

“That’s understandable. You’ve gone through a lot in the last twelve hours.” Dr. Todd crossed his arms over his chest. “How long are you planning to be in Virginia?” he asked me.

I knew the question was coming, I just wish I knew how to answer him. “I don’t know. I don’t think Ruby has even started making funeral arrangements yet. I planned on getting there and then I guess I’ll just have to see.” I was being purposefully vague. Because the truth was I had no idea what to expect.

“I get that. I really do. But Clay, I’m okay with this visit because I know how important it is for you and your healing to be there for Ruby. I am concerned about how this will impact your ongoing progress though, I can’t lie.” I rubbed the space between my eyebrows, feeling the beginnings of a headache.

“I know, Dr. Todd. But last night, instead of cutting, I spent hours drawing. Even with everything going on. So that’s something, right? But regardless, I need to go.” My statement left no room for argument. I was getting on that plane at six-thirty and there was nothing Dr. Todd or anyone else could say to change my mind.

Dr. Todd lifted his hands in a placating gesture. “I know, Clay. But we still need to make some plans, should things get difficult for you while you’re there. You’ve worked too hard and come too far. This trip will test you in every possible way. Given the circumstances you find yourself in, anticipate old patterns to start becoming extremely appealing. We have only started scratching the surface of the way your mind reacts to stressors. The nature of this visit will be mentally and emotionally taxing. Being here at Grayson is like living in a bubble. Once leaving it, a lot of people have a hard time with the adjustment. And I expect that to be magnified exponentially given your situation.”

Shit, he wasn’t pulling any punches. “I know, alright. You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already thought about.” I wasn’t going into this thing blind. For the first time in my life I was entering a situation with my blinders off. Sure I was freaked out a bit. I’d be an idiot not to be. But I wasn’t going to let my fear stop me from being there for Ruby.

“Good, being prepared is essential. But, Clay, I’d like you to check in with me daily while you’re in Davidson. That way if things come up, you have a means of processing them.” I tried not to feel insulted by the suggestion. I didn’t need a goddamned babysitter.

I ran my hand over my arms in agitation, feeling the ridges of old scars. Okay, so maybe a babysitter wasn’t such a bad idea.

“Sure, I’ll call you.” Dr. Todd picked up a file on his desk and pulled a paper out and handed it to me. It was my no harm contract.

“Take this with you, read it, remember it.” I folded up the sheet and put it in my back pocket. He was really covering all bases here.

“Thanks, Doc, I appreciate it. I honestly don’t know how long I would have lasted if I hadn’t come here.” I hadn’t really expressed my gratitude for the staff at Grayson. But it seemed important that I say it now.

“It’s what we’re here for,” was all Dr. Todd said in reply. I got to my feet. “Jacqui will give you your medications before you leave this evening. And if you need anything, Clay, anything at all, know that you can call either me or the other staff here, day or night. Someone will always be here.” His words were reassuring and it made me feel less alone.

“Thanks,” I said again before leaving.

The rest of the day was spent going to group and finishing up the homework I had yet to complete. I hung out with Tyler and Greg. Had lunch with Maria. I was trying to work up the courage to leave the place that had provided the safety and security I had so desperately needed for the last three months.

Even though I had imagined what it would be like to finally leave the center, the reality was a hell of a lot different than I thought it would be. This is not the way I wanted to be leaving. Even with my intentions of coming back, it didn’t change that I was walking out the door into a world that was vastly different from when I left it.

***

Thirty minutes before I was due to head to the airport to catch my flight, Lydia came to get me. “Your mother is on the phone and is asking to speak to you,” she informed me, leading me to her office. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. What the f*ck did she want? Though deep down, I knew exactly what she wanted.

I picked up the phone and gritted my teeth. “Hi, Mom,” I said shortly. Lydia had left her office but kept the door open. I had a feeling she was listening carefully to this particular conversation. It was no secret that my parents were like an emotional bomb for me. There was no telling how I’d react.

“What’s this I hear about you flying to Virginia? That is completely unacceptable!” her frosty voice cut through the line.

“Nice to hear from you, Mom,” I replied sarcastically. She completely ignored my statement.

“You are not going to Virginia. How could you even think of doing something so stupid? After everything you put your father and I through with your little suicide attempt! And now you’re trying to ruin everything all over again! Do you have no self-respect?” She sounded disgusted. And I’m sure she was. I wish I didn’t care. And some part of me had learned to stop being so hung up in my desire for her approval.

But that didn’t completely drown out that small part of me that did still care. And that part of me needed to be cut the hell out. Forcibly if necessary.

“Ruby needs me. I’m sure you’ve heard about Lisa. Aren’t you planning on attending the funeral?” I don’t know why I bothered to ask such a ridiculous question. Neither of my parents had ever approved of Lisa or Ruby’s “lifestyle.” But I guess I had some bizarre hope that family ties would mean more than misplaced morals.

“I don’t think that would be appropriate. Not with your father running for Congress this year. What would it look like if the conservative candidate attended the funeral of…a homosexual.” She said the word as though it were something dirty. God, what a bitch.

“It would look like the two of you had a heart. Even if it was a lie,” I said angrily, hating that I allowed her to get under my skin like that.

“Enough with the dramatics, Clayton. You will not be going anywhere. You are in treatment. You cannot afford to leave right now. You could relapse. Because I can assure you if there is another embarrassing incident, your father and I will not be there to help you this time.”

I barked out a harsh laugh. “Help me? Are you f*cking high? When have you EVER helped me?” I heard my mother’s sharp intake of breath.

“Don’t you dare speak to me that way.” Her voice was dangerously low and I knew I had over stepped a line. The one that demanded total and complete compliance. Too bad for her that I had kicked the obedient fool out on his ass.

“You will not be leaving the Grayson Center, Clay. Your father and I admitted you and if you refuse to stay in treatment, we will be forced to take drastic measures to make sure you aren’t posing a risk to yourself.” I could almost see the derisive curl of her lip as her threat spewed from her mouth.

“You do that, Mother. Just try and lock me up again and you will find a very disobedient son. And I don’t think that’s something you or Dad can afford right now. Particularly with it being an election year and all.” My mother went quiet. I could hear her silently fuming. The thing she didn’t realize was I had learned a thing or two from my manipulative parents. And that was knowing how to get what I wanted. Because I had hit her Achilles’ heel. Her fear of public disclosure. And I meant every word of what I had said. If she and my father fought me on this, I would be a thorn in their f*cking side.

Finally, my mother said, “If that’s how you want it, fine. But don’t expect any further assistance from your father or me. That includes financially. You want to defy us and self-destruct, do it on your own.” I snorted, not remotely bothered by her statement.

“I’ve been on my own most of my life,” I muttered and then hung up.

Wow, that felt…good. I left the office to find Lydia working on her laptop. She looked up and gave me a reassuring smile. “All finished up?” she asked.

I nodded. Yeah, I was finished. And it was about f*cking time.

After that, I got my stuff together, including my meds, said my goodbyes and headed to the airport with Jonathan. I boarded the plane and we took off ten minutes early. That had to be a positive sign, right?

I tried not to fixate on what would be waiting for me when I landed. Instead I watched a couple of TV shows, ate some pretzels and stared out the window. The flight was short, only two and a half hours. I checked the time on my cellphone after we landed. It was only a little after nine-thirty.

I hung back, letting everyone else get off of the plane before I did. I didn’t want to keep Ruby waiting, but being here, my feet on Virginian soil, made all of this way too real. It wasn’t some horrible dream I could wake up from.

I pushed my way through the crowded airport and headed toward the baggage claim. I started to look around for Ruby, knowing this is where we were supposed to meet up. I felt sick to my stomach. My nerves were a wreck and already my body craved the worst kind of release.

Three hours away from the center and I was already losing it. I cut across the sea of people and practically ran into the restroom. Thank god it was mercifully empty. I ran water in the sink and splashed my face. Running my hands through my hair and along the back of my neck in an effort to calm down.

I needed to control my breathing. It was then that I realized I hadn’t taken my medication yet. I dug through my laptop bag and pulled out the small brown bottle. Popping the top I shook two pills into my palm. I swallowed them quickly, without water.

I thought about taking some of my anxiety medication but I had been hesitant to do so. So instead, I chose the pep talk route and waited for the Tegretol to kick in, hoping that had the desired effect.

I fished my cellphone out of my pocket and realized I had been in the bathroom for almost fifteen minutes. Ruby was probably starting to worry. I picked up my bag and headed back toward the baggage carousel.

I saw Ruby before she saw me. She was sitting on a bench, watching people as they walked by, obviously looking for me. She looked like shit. I know that’s a messed up thing to say, but God it was true. She looked like she had lost ten pounds, her clothes that she wore big anyway, were practically swimming on her.

Her long, red hair was dull and lifeless and I saw the beginnings of grey around her temples and scalp. She looked…old. And that freaked me out. Ruby had always been strong and capable. She was the rock I had always needed. Staring at my aunt, I realized she wasn’t my rock anymore. And that I was going to have to suck it up and be the rock for her.

“Ruby,” I called out. She turned her head in the direction of my voice and I was relieved to see some of the old sparkle come back into her listless eyes. She got to her feet and held her arms out for me.

I walked into them and hugged her. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she breathed out as she held me. I let her hold on, knowing she wasn’t ready to let go yet. She felt smaller, almost as though she had shrunk in on herself. It worried me.

Finally I pulled back and she tried to give me a smile. It didn’t come close to reaching her eyes. But I took what I could get. I found my suitcase quickly and followed her out of the airport.

Once outside I shivered. God damn it was cold. I had gotten too used to southern Florida and the days that never dipped below seventy degrees. Shit, this was like walking into a freezer.

“I hope you remembered to bring a coat. We’ve had an unseasonable cold snap. They’re actually calling for snow tonight. The seasons are all messed up. And some people have the audacity to say that global warming is a myth,” Ruby said, clearly trying her hardest to make things normal.

But there was no such thing as normal. That was the myth. I had fought long and hard for something that I now realized didn’t exist. And boy was that depressing. I took a deep breath. I swear the air just smelled different in Virginia. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it just felt like…well, home.

I put my arm around my aunt’s shoulders and walked quietly with her to the car. “Why don’t you let me drive?” I suggested, holding my hand out for the car keys. Ruby looked exhausted and I didn’t want to admit to her that on a good day her driving scared the piss out of me. But seeing her like this, barely able to put one foot in front of the other, there was no way I was letting her behind the wheel.

Ruby didn’t argue as she dropped the two pound key ring into my palm. I sorted through the mess of spare keys and random trinkets until I found the one for her Volvo. I got into the driver’s side and looked over to see that Ruby was standing in the open door, not moving.

“Ruby?” I said her name more as a question. Mostly because I hated to see my aunt, who used to be so full of life, reduced to this shell of a person. It pissed me off that life could be so cruel. Ruby didn’t deserve the grief she was feeling. There were millions of people who lived their f*cked up lives, never lifting a finger to help anyone else. But a woman who had put her life on hold to save mine was suffering. It made me want to hit something.

“Sorry,” Ruby murmured, finally getting into the car. She sat numbly, looking out of the window as I pulled into beltway traffic. We didn’t talk. Not a word. I knew there was nowhere else I’d rather be than with Ruby right now. But God, that selfish part of me wanted to run for the hills.

The weight of our mutual grief was suffocating. “Have you eaten any dinner?” I asked, trying to prod some sort of conversation out of my silent aunt. She shook her head.

“I’m not hungry,” her deadened voice replied. I was starving but I thought it was a better idea to just get to Davidson and start dealing with everything that was waiting for me there. I wanted to ask how she was doing. But I could see with my own eyes exactly how she was doing. And it wasn’t good.

Ruby was hollow and I wasn’t sure how well I was going to handle all of this. I merged onto I66 and headed south. I tried several times to start a conversation and even though Ruby attempted to engage, we ended up dropping off into silence. After a while, I gave up and turned on the radio.

Two hours later, I drove into Davidson and it was like my entire world shuddered around me. I drove down the familiar streets and felt intense and overwhelming panic. I couldn’t do this! I needed to get the f*ck out of here!

The mellow edge brought on from my medication blurred into the freak out rising inside me. The roads were pretty empty. Not surprising considering it was almost midnight on a Wednesday evening. And what did I expect? A mob greeting me as I rolled into town with pitchforks and torches shouting, “Get the nut job?”

I fought an internal battle that urged me to drop Ruby off at home and run away as fast as I could. I pulled into the driveway at Ruby’s and parked behind my car. It still sat there as though waiting for me.

“You didn’t have to hang onto it, you know. I told you to sell it and to keep the money,” I said to Ruby as we climbed out of the car. Ruby shook her head and gave me a ghost of a smile.

“There was no way we were going to sell it. It’s yours,” was all she said as we walked to the front door. Turning on the hallway light, I dropped my suitcase in the living room and froze.

Lisa’s glasses and book still lay on the coffee table. Her favorite mug half full of cold coffee sat beside them. Lisa’s slippers kicked half under the couch as though she had just taken them off.

The air in here was oppressive. Lisa had always been the housekeeper and that was very obvious. The place was a wreck. Going into the kitchen, dishes piled up in the sink, the trash overflowed onto the floor. The counters were sticky with spilled tea.

There were flowers everywhere. The sickeningly sweet smell of decaying food mixed with the scent of flowers made me want to puke. One particularly huge arrangement sat on the kitchen table. I noticed distractedly that someone had to have spent a lot of money on that particular bouquet.

The rest of the house wasn’t any better. And worse than that, Lisa’s things had all been left just as they were. Like she could be expected to walk in the door at any moment. “Sorry everything is such a mess. Lisa was the one…she always…” Ruby choked up and covered her mouth with her hand.

I hugged her and rubbed her back. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The tightness in my chest was too much. But I tried, for my aunt’s sake, to hide my discomfort. “It’s okay. I’ll take care of it in the morning,” I assured her.

Ruby nodded and without another word, walked up the stairs. Her shoulders drooped and head hung low. She looked years older as she made her way up those steps. And I felt powerless to do anything about it.

I stood in the middle of the filthy kitchen not sure what I should do. I guess I could go upstairs and get some sleep. But the truth was I was terrified to go in my room. Too many memories. Too many triggers. I just wasn’t ready for that.

Instead, I rolled up my sleeves and filled the sink with soapy water. I started to wash the dishes. Then I moved on to cleaning the counters and taking out the trash. I found the broom in the closet and swept the floor.

After I was finished in the kitchen, I moved onto the living room. Straightening couch cushions and throwing out mail. But I didn’t touch Lisa’s stuff. I just couldn’t do that. I knew that Ruby wasn’t ready.

By the time I had straightened up the downstairs, it was two-thirty in the morning. I stood at the base of the stairs, debating whether I should go up or not. But I wasn’t in any sort of emotional state to handle the feelings that room would create in me.

I pulled off my shirt and made myself comfortable on the couch. Staring up at the ceiling I really wondered how I would survive being back here. I forced myself away from all Maggie related thoughts and tried to get some sleep.

I finally found myself nodding off with her eyes burning in my mind.