Light in the Shadows

CHAPTER EIGHT


-CLAY-



The day began like any other. My alarm went off at seven. I got out of bed and took a shower. After eating a barely edible breakfast, I headed for my first group session. Today’s topic was on building your support systems. I was engaged and focused. Because I was Clayton Reed, Super Patient!

Then I attended school for two hours. I completed my biology paper and started working on an essay on the short story A Rose for Emily for my American Lit assignment. I had never particularly enjoyed school. I hated the crowded hallways and people way too up in your business. But now having a seven hour school day crammed into two, I missed the luxury of going from class to class. I hated the break neck pace of reading and writing, trying to shove an entire education into such a short amount of time.

But I was kicking ass. I had never cared about doing well. Do my homework? F*ck that. Pay attention to my teachers’ lectures? No way. But now, with my head more in the game than it used to be, I was finally taking the whole educate yourself, seriously.

I was determined to be the poster child for a post breakdown lifestyle. Look at me, I can go to school, talk about my feelings and be a productive member of society. Suck that, Mom and Dad!

I finished my assignments and had lunch. Maria and Tyler were still in group and Susan was in her therapy session. So it was only Greg and me. Which was cool. Greg was a pretty funny guy, giving new meaning to the word crazy. Because man did Greg fit the stereotype of a mental patient. Or maybe someone was channeling “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

You’d think he had Tourette’s with the stuff that came out of his mouth. But nope, he just had zero filter. Telling someone to f*ck off on the heels of explaining why the global economy was failing. You could be scared of him or just roll with it. I had to admit I was a bit of both.

So, like I said, the day was like every other since I had come to Grayson. I should have known that the moment things started to resemble normal the floor was ready to drop out from underneath me.

I was in my room. Tyler was still at lunch, having come in as I was leaving. So I was trying to enjoy this rare piece of solitude by taking a nap before my next support group. I was just about to nod off when there was a knock at my door.

I tried not to growl as I said, “Come in.” Jonathon came inside and I could tell instantly that something was wrong. I sat up and put my feet on the floor.

“Dr. Todd needs to see you,” Jonathan said, giving me a smile that held too much sympathy for my peace of mind.

“Why? What’s going on?” I asked combatively. I hated secrets. They were dangerous with way too much potential for fall out. Being called to your therapist’s office outside of your normal meetings didn’t bode well.

I thought back over my behavior in the last week and a half but came up short. Surely I wasn’t about to be punished for something?

After my freak out over calling Maggie, I had tried really hard to get my shit back under control. And I thought I had done a damn good job of it. So why was the good doc calling me in for a special meeting?

Jonathan only shrugged but didn’t say anything. That pissed me off. Mostly because I was starting to freak out. Because I could tell by the look on his face that he did know what this was about. And that whatever it was, was best heard from my shrink.

This was not good.

So I followed Jonathan to Dr. Todd’s office and waited while he knocked on the door. He poked his head inside and I could hear him tell Dr. Todd that I was here. Jonathan put a hand on my shoulder after turning back to me. “Head on in. I’ll come by and see you later.” F*ck me, this was bad. Really, really bad.

I didn’t acknowledge Jonathan’s words in any way, just moved past him to go into Dr. Todd’s office. I closed the door behind me and faced my therapist, surprised to see Julie, Lydia and Matt the other therapists at the center also in the room. Dr. Todd pulled his chair from behind the desk so that he was sitting in front of it. He then motioned for me to have a seat on the couch in front of him.

Matt moved over to make room for me and I tried not to get defensive by the obvious concern on each of their faces. But obviously self-control was not my strong suit.

“Enough already. Just tell me what the f*ck is going on,” I bit out sharply, sitting down heavily and crossing my arms over my chest. I was mad. And worried. So that made me even angrier.

Dr. Todd’s neutral expression didn’t seem to change, though I did notice a tightening around his eyes, as though he were stealing himself to say something he knew I wouldn’t like. God, if I wasn’t already crazy, the endless speculation in my head of what I was about to hear would most definitely make me that way.

“Clay, (I hated it when people started a statement by saying my name) we received a call from Ruby a little while ago.” I know I looked surprised because Dr. Todd’s placid face broke into an uncharacteristic grimace.

I shot looks at the other therapists and they all looked at me expectantly. Shit, what did they think I was going to do?

“There was an accident yesterday morning,” Lydia said softly, as though trying to soothe a wild animal. I got to my feet in a panic.

“Is Ruby okay? What the hell happened?” I could hear the rising hysteria in my voice. If they didn’t start giving me some answers, it wasn’t going to be pretty. Dr. Todd must have seen the freak out on my face because he got to his feet and was by my side in an instant. He put his hands heavily on my shoulders, pressing down slightly.

“Take a deep breath, Clay.” His voice rang with just enough authority that I listened without wanting to punch him in the face. I tried to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth but my thoughts were getting in the way of it.

“Just tell me, please,” I begged, figuring if rage wasn’t getting them talking then pleading would. Dr. Todd continued to press down on my shoulders. I knew he was trying to “ground” me. It was meant to create the “chill” affect, triggering the body’s ability to relax and calm down. Right now it wasn’t doing shit.

“It was about Lisa. She was involved in a car accident,” Dr. Todd said softly, steadily. My whole body tensed up, as if bracing myself for a blow.

“Is she all right?” I croaked out. My eyes became blurry and the doc’s next words seemed to reach me through a thick fog.

“Lisa didn’t make it. I’m so sorry, Clay,” Dr. Todd said, his voice clear and strong. I blinked a few times, not sure I heard him correctly.

“Lisa didn’t make it?” I asked for clarification. No, that couldn’t be right. I had just spoken to Lisa this past weekend. She had given me a bunch of crap about watching The Notebook, even though I had very little choice in the movies the center chose to play. But Lisa had loved every minute of teasing me about it. And then I had made fun of her new biker boots. It had been a great conversation, with her promising to come down with Ruby when I was discharged from Grayson in two weeks.

Dr. Todd nodded, his hands still firm on my shoulders. “No, Clay. She didn’t,” he confirmed. My heart bottomed out and I felt sick. What the f*ck? Matt appeared beside me, not touching me but the act was meant to be supportive.

What I felt was freaking smothered. “Back the hell off. Please,” I tried to sound threatening, but instead I only sounded weak and broken. Matt tentatively took me by the elbow and tried to steer me to the couch.

“Have a seat, Clay. We can talk if you want.” I wrenched my arm away and backed up. I dug my fingers into my hair and started to pull. The familiar sensation of falling apart tickled the edges of my consciousness.

“Clayton. Sit down now.” Dr. Todd’s words were perhaps more harsh than the situation warranted but he knew that I responded to his authority on a basic level. I don’t know why it was, but his firm voice cut through the noise in my head. The man didn’t have a PH.D for nothing.

I sat down heavily and vaguely heard Lydia direct me to focus on my breathing. F*ck that! They could take their breathing and shove it up their asses. Who the hell were they to tell me to calm down when I had just found out one of the only three people I had ever loved was dead?

F*ck…Lisa was dead. That was the kind of forever I wanted nothing to do with. I just wanted to wake up and realize this was a bad dream. I started to pinch my arm, liking the pain but knowing it meant that yep, I was definitely awake.

I covered my face with my hands and leaned my elbows on my knees trying to stop the invading panic attack. No one touched me. Nobody spoke. The only sound was from the constant ticking of Dr. Todd’s clock on the wall.

I don’t know how long I stayed like that. It could have been minutes. Hours even. Who the f*ck knows? But I finally looked up and saw that the three other people in the room hadn’t moved. They all looked ready, poised and waiting for my inevitable meltdown.

Well I hated to disappoint them because that just wasn’t going to happen. “I want to call Ruby,” I said, proud of how steady I was. Matt and Lydia got up.

“We’ll come by and see you in a little while,” Matt assured me. I didn’t nod. I didn’t do shit. I just wanted them to leave. Lydia squeezed my shoulder and I wanted to smack her hand away. I had never felt condescended to at Grayson. But right now, I felt like the epitome of the mental patient. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me and it made me want to scream.

Once the other therapists left the room, Dr. Todd picked up the phone on his desk and held out the receiver for me to take. “Clay, Ruby is going to be grieving. She is in a horrible place right now. Be prepared for what that will do to you. Be aware of your own triggers and I’ll help you deal with them, alright?” He stared me straight in the eye and I took the phone from his hand.

“Yeah. Okay,” I muttered. I quickly dialed Ruby’s cell phone number and waited. I heard it ring. And ring. And ring. Finally, when I was just about to hang up I heard the click of the call connecting. Ruby’s hello sounded hollow.

“Aunt Ruby,” I got out, my voice cracking. I heard her broken sob on the other end.

“Clay, honey. I’m so glad you called,” Ruby said through gasping breaths. And then she started crying. I was paralyzed. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t used to playing the role of comforter. My entire life, these roles had been reversed. It was Ruby picking up the pieces and trying to put me together again.

I didn’t know how to do the same for her. And I felt horrible because of it. I felt useless. So I did the only thing I could. I let her cry while I let out my own tears. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Clay,” Ruby whispered, her voice hoarse.

My head was a mess. I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I was in shock, I knew that. My body felt numb and I couldn’t focus. But I needed to say something. “I’m coming home,” was all I said.

“I…Clay…no, you have to think about yourself right now. Lisa wouldn’t want you to compromise your treatment,” Ruby argued and I immediately cut her off.

“Stop it Ruby, I’m coming home. I need to be there.” My throat constricted and I put my head on the top of the desk. I wasn’t sure it was the best decision for me. But there was no other choice to make. Of course I’d go.

“Thank you. So much. I just don’t know what to do…so many things to think about.” Ruby started crying again and I hated being a thousand miles away.

“I’ll be there soon,” I promised before we got off the phone. I told Ruby I’d call her when I arranged a flight. After hanging up I turned to Dr. Todd, not sure if I was going to get a fight about my leaving. But the truth was I didn’t care. Nothing would stop me from getting on a plane to Virginia.

“I want to buy a plane ticket,” I said shortly. Dr. Todd looked at me steadily but simply nodded.

“I can arrange for you to do that,” he replied, getting on the phone and calling Louis, the daytime administrator, giving me permission to use the internet to secure a flight.

“I need to go back to my room and get my wallet. I need my credit card,” I said, knowing how wobbly I sounded.

“This is a lot to take in, Clay. After you make your flight reservation, go to your room, take the afternoon off. Get some rest. Give Louis your itinerary and he’ll make sure it gets to me. But I’d like to meet first thing in the morning.” I only nodded. There was nothing else to say.

So I went through the motions. I was able to get a flight from Miami International to Dulles for tomorrow evening. Twenty-four hours and I would be back in Virginia. I couldn’t allow myself to think about what that would mean for me. I was only focused on the new gaping hole in my heart.

Because Lisa, my aunt’s tough as nails but with the heart of gold, girlfriend was dead. Christ. I had never been able to handle grief and change in any sort of healthy way. My first instinct was to hurt myself. Dig deep into my skin and watch myself bleed. Or get so wasted that thinking wasn’t an option. It would be so easy to lose myself in something like that. I wet my lips with my tongue, practically salivating at the thought.

No! God damn it, NO! I started to pace the floor of my room. As though wearing a hole in my floor would do something. After that accomplished absolutely nothing, I tried to lie down and close my eyes. Still nothing. Nothing was helping. I tried to remember those super awesome coping skills that were supposed to get me through the hard stuff.

Squeezing my eyes shut I tried to reframe. When that didn’t help I started to feel pretty desperate. I needed something to distract me from either finding something sharp and pointy or something pharmaceutical. Opening my eyes I saw the bag of birthday stuff in the corner. I had yet to put my gifts away, so they still sat in the same spot where I had left them.

I stuck my hand inside and purposefully made myself move past the scrap book to grab ahold of my sketch pad and pencils. I sat down at my desk and turned on the lamp. Popping my ear buds in, I scrolled through my music until I found some Apocalyptica and cranked it. Then I started drawing. Sketch after sketch, I poured everything out of me through my fingers and onto the paper.

Hours passed and I was still drawing. Tyler had come in and tried to talk to me but I ignored him. He knew me well enough to leave it alone. Maria had stopped by, obviously hearing about Lisa but I ignored her as well. I didn’t drop my pencil for a moment. I was like a man possessed.

I stopped sometime around midnight. Pictures littered the surface of my desk and the only light came from the soft glow of my lamp. I could hear Tyler’s soft breathing and knew the aide on duty would soon be coming around to check on everyone.

I started to leaf through the sketches and realized I couldn’t even remember what I had been drawing. I had let my emotions take over. And it had worked. I had been able to channel my self-destructive needs into something else.

There were drawings of trees and fields. A few of the ocean and more than a dozen of Lisa. Lisa with Ruby. Lisa reading a book. Lisa cooking dinner. I took these and bundled them together. I would give them to Ruby.

I started to pile up the rest when I realized what else I had drawn in my frenzy. Of course, I should have known that when I put pencil to paper, her face would materialize. It always did.

I touched the curve of Maggie’s cheek that I carefully and precisely depicted. Her eyes were closed, as if in pain. And I couldn’t ignore what going back to Davidson would mean for me. I would be ripping open the wound that I had worked really hard to stitch closed. Even if the sutures were only now starting to heal.

I sighed and shoved the pictures into my desk drawer and turned off the lamp. Crawling into bed, I curled in on myself and fought against the personal demons that threatened to ruin everything.