Light in the Shadows

CHAPTER ELEVEN


-CLAY-



The couch was starting to kill my back. Three nights of sleeping on the lumpy cushions and I would be walking hunched over all day. Okay, so yes I had a perfectly good bed upstairs in my room but I had yet to go up there.

So maybe I was a coward, but I just wasn’t ready to open the door and be confronted with the thousands of memories within those four walls. Being back in Davidson was hard enough. Every street, every shop, every stupid tree carried with it a dozen memories of the person I left behind. And it seriously sucked. I really wanted to leave. This was much harder than I had thought it would be.

I had known it was going to be tough. Ruby’s grief was hard to watch. She was barely eating and I knew she wasn’t sleeping. I could hear her pacing the floors upstairs all night. It seemed to take everything out of her to get dressed in the morning.

My overzealous aunt had been reduced to this person completely devoid of life. And if she wasn’t handling Lisa’s death well, what chance did I have?

I had spoken to Dr. Todd every day, just as promised. He didn’t sound particularly concerned when I mentioned how difficult this trip was turning out to be. He just let me process and reviewed my coping skills with me. Though yesterday he suggested calling twice a day instead of once. He had also encouraged me to talk to Jean, my substance abuse counselor at the center.

I hadn’t done that yet. I was feeling overly shrinked as it was. And today I needed to focus on Ruby and the funeral and getting through it without doing something stupid.

Because every night I lay on the couch, listening to the sounds of Ruby’s footsteps and I wanted to scream. I was just so f*cking angry. Angry with Lisa for falling asleep behind the wheel. Angry with Ruby for falling apart like she was. Angry with myself for feeling all the above.

I wanted to cut myself so badly that I could taste it. There were times I’d find myself in the kitchen, my fingers aching to reach for a knife or the pair of scissors. Forcing myself to leave the room and get away from what taunted me was getting harder and harder to do. I usually ended up pulling out my journal and spending hours writing in it. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a completely useless exercise because it did help (something I would never say aloud).

But I was exhausted and feeling a little sick. I had so much to do today. I needed to get down to the church in a few hours to make sure everything was set up. The funeral director would be handling most of the arrangements, but I wanted to make sure it was all as it needed to be. After the church, there would be a grave side service, followed by a friends and family gathering here.

I had worked my ass off to clean the place up. A caterer would be here later to drop off food. I had planned it all down to the tiniest detail. Keeping myself busy helped some. I was able to turn off the emotions that otherwise would have flayed me alive. I was driving on auto pilot for now and I was happy to do so.

I had time later to deal with my own grief. Right now it was all about taking care of Ruby and getting through the day.

I got to my feet, rolling my head to try to loosen up the kinks in my neck. The couch could be construed as a form of torture. I accidentally knocked Lisa’s glasses to the floor from their spot on the coffee table.

They were still there. The half full coffee cup as well. It was starting to grow mold on the rim, but when I had tried to move it, Ruby had freaked out. So I had left it alone. Picking up my phone I checked the time.

Shit, it was already eleven-thirty. I needed to get a move on. I opened my suitcase and pulled out my grey slacks and a black button down shirt. I hung them on the kitchen door and got out the ironing board.

I was busy ironing when Ruby finally emerged. She was still in her robe; her red hair looked as though it hadn’t seen a brush in a year. Dark circles ringed her eyes and her lips were cracked and chapped from her gnawing at them.

“Morning,” I said, watching her open the cabinet and pulling down a mug. She gave me a tiny smile as she started to grind coffee beans. “You want me to make you some breakfast?” I asked after I finished ironing my shirt.

Ruby shook her head and waited for her coffee to brew. The silence in the kitchen made me antsy. I watched my aunt who seemed to be barely functioning and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

I left her, staring at the coffee pot and went out into the back yard. The air was cold and it had started to drizzle. I drew the frigid air into my lungs and held it there until my chest burned with the need to breathe.

Letting the air out slowly I wished I had developed a taste for nicotine, because I needed something to do with my itchy hands. I couldn’t do this. F*ck me, I just couldn’t. I knew there was nowhere I would be than right here, but at that moment, it seemed like purgatory.

God, I wished I was back in Florida. I pulled my phone out and dialed Dr. Todd’s direct line. It rang and rang. On the eleventh ring, I hung up. It was Saturday; of course he wasn’t in his office. I had his personal number somewhere in my suitcase but didn’t have the energy to go looking for it. I guess I could call the main number and talk to another staff person on duty, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that.

I stood there warring with myself when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked down in surprise to see Ruby staring out into the yard, her hand clutching my sleeve. “Thank you, Clay. For everything you’ve done,” she whispered, her voice sounding hoarse.

I closed my eyes. I could do this. Ruby needed me. I had to stop being so goddamned weak. I brought my hand up to cover hers and we stood that way, in the cold. Two people barely holding on but trying desperately to keep each other going.

“We should start getting ready,” Ruby said, squeezing my fingers before letting go. She seemed to be trying to pull herself together and I was unfairly grateful for that. Because again, that horribly selfish part of me needed her strength for myself. I was scared as hell that if she depended too much on mine I’d only let her down.

“Okay. We should probably get over to the church soon. See if there’s any last minute details we need to go over,” I said. Ruby nodded and went back inside. I stood out there for another few minutes, finally focusing on my own feelings of sadness and grief.

This sadness was painfully familiar. The silent, open mouthed suffering was something I had felt entirely too much of in my life. The barely controllable urge to purge my grief with the slice of a razor was overwhelming, its kiss sweet on my skin. I could almost hear the darkness whisper in my ear, a taunting tease of potential relief.

I had known this was the risk of coming back here. I knew that it resurrected a thousand instincts to hurt, to maim and to destroy everything inside of me. Everything that I had worked so hard to rebuild. But progress was a flimsy thing. And the need to tear it all down was a much stronger adversary.

Leaving the center was like leaving a warm and safe cocoon and being thrown headfirst into complete and utter chaos. From the moment my plane had touched down in Virginia, I struggled to remember that I was in control of these traitorous feelings. That it was my choice to cope in a healthier way. That was what Dr. Todd kept drilling into my head. It’s my choice. MINE!

But returning to Davidson, particularly under these circumstances, was proving a true test of my new found resolve. The meds helped. I was taking them as scheduled. So I could tick that off my responsible Clayton Reed list.

The stuff I had learned in therapy rattled around in my head, reminding me to breathe. To re-frame. To talk myself off the cliff I was already in danger of toppling over.

But like I said before, Ruby needed me. And even though it made my anxiety that much more acute, I needed to remember that. But I had always been the needy one. The truth was I needed Ruby. Maggie. Lisa. Even as I had always denied needing anyone.

And now I was the one being leaned on and I wasn’t so sure I could handle the pressure. The longer it went on, the harder it became. I was brittle and raw and I knew that Dr. Todd’s concerns about me coming back were legitimate ones.

I was on a precariously slippery slope. The wrong move, the wrong thought and I would be sliding down on my ass. And the landing would be hard.

But that didn’t change the fact that I had responsibilities. And that trumped everything else. It had to.

***

I was making it through the day. Barely. The light drizzle from earlier had changed into a steady downpour. Even the weather was in mourning. Everything felt dark. I focused on my damn breathing even as my guts knotted up inside of me.

Breathe in. Breathe out. I swear I could write my own book on all the different ways to freaking breathe.

I needed to pull it together. I needed to be the man Ruby could count on, not just someone to leech on everyone else’s strength. It’s in times of crisis that your merit is proven? Well I had a hell of a lot to prove right now. To myself and to everyone who doubted I could be anything more than the crazy kid ready to go over the edge.

I was engaged in this furious internal dialogue. Jumping back and forth between giving myself a perky little pep talk and mentally screaming at myself to man up. I was totally absorbed in it, trying to get up the nerve to go to the front of the church and sit with Ruby in the pew where she sat quietly sobbing.

I had been able to lose myself in the final arrangements when we had arrived, but now the start of the service drew closer and I was cracking up a bit. Okay, not a bit…a lot.

I watched as people stopped by Ruby to talk to her. She was trying to be polite but she was so consumed by her grief that she could do little more than nod. I should get up there and help her out, but I felt rooted to the spot.

It was all almost too much to bear. But I really needed to get over that. It wasn’t fair to leave her alone. Not now. Not when she had never abandoned me when I needed her. But there was that part of me that fought for self-preservation and I knew this whole scene had the makings of my own personal disaster.

I was very close to running out the side door and never looking back. Drive straight to the airport and jump on the first available flight out of f*cking Virginia.

I had almost talked myself into it when I felt a stirring in the air. It was an intense humming that took my body completely by surprise. The hair rose up on the back of my neck and I just knew.

She was here.

Maggie.

And just like that, the fuzzy black faded away and everything clicked into place. My heart thudded into over drive and palms started to sweat so I shoved them into the pockets of my grey slacks.

Of course she came. I knew she’d be there. And though I tried not to allow myself the hope of seeing her, I couldn’t deny that I had longed for it all the same.

And here she was, looking the same only better. Her dark hair looked shorter and was pulled back in a low ponytail. She wore a black wool coat over a dark green dress. She looked beautiful and perfect and the embodiment of everything I had always craved.

She walked into the church, flanked by her parents. I barely noticed them or the fact that Rachel and Daniel followed close behind. My eyes were only for her. I knew I should go to Ruby. But I couldn’t make myself move. I stood there, rooted to the spot, not sure if I wanted Maggie to see me or not, even as I screamed at her in my head to look at me.

Please.

As much as I missed her and dreamed of this moment, I was scared of it. Too much had changed. Yet seeing her, my heart and body reacted the same as it always had. She had been my crutch and now she was something else entirely, a painful reminder of all the ways I screwed up. But watching my gorgeous girl move through the crowd of people, I only saw the person I had pinned my future on. And that was both exhilarating and terrifying.

But God, I loved her. She was the piece I had been missing for the last three months. She was everything I wanted in my life but was still unsure I deserved. And this was why I wasn’t any good for her. My feelings about Maggie May Young were too intense, too consuming and they always threatened to swallow me whole.

But then she lifted her eyes and met mine and everything else disappeared. Her eyes were bright and I could see the way her chest started to rise and fall more rapidly. Before I realized what I was doing, I was moving toward her at the same instant that she began to make her journey down the aisle of the church.

I saw Rachel over her shoulder, her eyes wide, her hand reaching out to possibly stop Maggie. But there was no detaining her. Our eyes never left each other as we worked to bridge the physical distance between us.

It was like every time we were together. Our bodies orbited around each other as if pulled by an invisible force that we had no control over.

I wanted this. And I wanted to run from it. I wanted to pull her in and never let go. And I wanted to push her away.

Two minutes. That’s all it took for my head to short circuit.

Maggie stopped five feet away and we stood there, staring at each other. I didn’t know what to say. What worked as appropriate chitchat when you saw the love of your life again after breaking her heart? And at a funeral no less.

I could see she was struggling as much as I was. And I hated that. Her face was flushed and I could see her pulse fluttering in her neck. I wanted to taste her skin and feel her heart beat beneath my lips.

So instead, I went for the anti-climactic.

“Hi,” I said softly. Maggie closed her eyes, as if in pain and when she opened them again, they were wet with tears.

“Hi,” she said, barely loud enough for anyone to hear. But I could hear her. I could always hear her. I wanted to reach out and touch her, my fingers tingled with anticipation. As if they were already plotting ways to do so. My breathing became shallow and I felt light headed.

The emotional punch to the gut was enough to leave me reeling. And apparently Maggie was feeling the same way. We stood there, staring at each other, unconcerned by the rest of the people in the room.

My eyes drank in the sight of her after so long. I was drowning and parched all at the same time. My senses were desperate to see, smell, taste, touch every inch of Maggie May Young. But I was also overwhelmed by her presence. Because with her came a deluge of memories that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. Ones that left me shattered and torn apart.

The last time I had seen her I had been lying in a hospital bed and her face had been red and splotchy from crying. The ringing of what I thought was her betrayal loud in my ears. I had turned on her. Turned on myself. And I had almost taken us both down in my delusions.

“Clay, I’m so sorry for your loss,” Maggie said after a few heartbeats. The way she said my name made me tremble inside. I was acting like a little girl. Man up! I told myself harshly. Don’t let her see you crumble.

But her voice, smooth and full of emotion hit me straight in the center of my chest. The soft cadence of her voice as it tumbled out of her mouth both scared and soothed me. Looking at her, I didn’t see a girl who had moved on. I saw someone who ached for me just as I was did her.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached out and grabbed ahold of her hand, slightly tugging her forward. She moved, as if without her volition. The tips of our shoes touched and we were so close I could smell the mint on her breath. Her eyes widened at my presumption, but I noticed she didn’t back away.

I held her hand tightly in mine and she tentatively squeezed. And everything inside of me started to unravel. My fear, my panic, it all just faded into the background. She was all I saw. She was all I needed. Just like always.

“Clay. I’m so sorry about Lisa.” A voice brought me out of the moment. Maggie blinked a few times and seemed to suddenly realize how close we were standing. She pulled her hand away and I was left clutching only air. She took a few steps backward and looked at the ground sheepishly.

My heart squeezed painfully and I ran my hands through my hair. I looked at the person who had interrupted us and tried not to bite their f*cking head off.

“Thanks, Rachel. It’s good to see you, even under the circumstances,” I offered politely, my eyes moving back to Maggie, who had refused to look at me again.

“We’re thinking of you, man.” Daniel Lowe had come up beside Rachel and I noticed the way his hand fell possessively to the small of her back. Wow, glad to see that they were still going strong. That some relationships could survive. It made my generally pessimistic outlook a little brighter.

“Thank you,” I told him genuinely, sparing Maggie’s best friends a look. I tried to give them my attention but my focus was only for the dark haired girl who was now looking everywhere but at me.

The four of us stood there awkwardly. I knew I was being a little stalkarish with the way I was staring at Maggie. But I couldn’t look away. I had spent way too many days fantasizing about seeing her face again. I didn’t think I had it in me to look anywhere else ever again.

Maggie moved back even further and I felt the separation like a physical ache. She seemed nervous all of a sudden and I didn’t have to wonder too long what put the anxiety on her face.

“Hi Clayton.” A warm hand came down on my arm and I looked away from my girl to see her mother standing beside me, wearing a worried but sympathetic expression. She looked between Maggie and me and I knew that she was concerned about what my unexpected reemergence meant for her daughter.

And not for the first time I hated myself for being the guy who would make them worry. I didn’t want to be someone they feared. But I was and I knew that wasn’t likely to change, no matter how much I tried to be different.

Mrs. Young gave me a hug and I tried not to act surprised by it. But Maggie’s mom had always been a lot easier to be around than her dad. As if on cue, Mr. Young flanked his wife’s side and watched me warily.

“We were sorry to hear about Lisa,” he said gruffly, scratching at his beard uncomfortably. I didn’t say anything. Mr. Young had a way of making me feel two years old and two feet tall. Like I was being examined and coming up short.

Mrs. Young took Maggie by the elbow and led her away. Her father followed behind, leaving me standing with the protective best friends. I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling the need to flee all over again.

“So, Clay, how long are you in town for?” Daniel asked, trying to make the question sound informal but I knew he was really digging for information. He didn’t want me here, that was obvious. Daniel and I had been close to being friends before. But we had never quite gotten there. And then I had taken off with Maggie and he had been there to clean up my mess after I had left.

So I knew, without a doubt, I wasn’t one of his favorite people.

“Uh, I’m not really sure. I guess I’ll just see how Ruby gets on. I don’t want to just leave her, you know?” I forced myself to meet his eyes and pressed my lips together. I sort of wanted to tell him it was none of his damn business. I didn’t need his disapproval.

But for the sake of harmony, I kept my mouth shut. It was Rachel who nodded in understanding. “Well, you can only take it one day at a time.” She spoke as though from experience and it made me wonder what more there was to Maggie’s unassuming best friend. I had never paid much attention to her except as an extension of Maggie. But her eyes glowed with their own hidden pain and I knew she got it.

“Yeah,” I murmured, not knowing what else to say. And apparently they didn’t either, so they moved on down the aisle, finding their place beside Maggie. I watched the three of them huddle together. Daniel and Rachel on one side, her parents on the other. They circled her in their support and love and I found that I was unreasonably jealous.

Not for the unconditional affection she was receiving but for the fact that I wasn’t the one to give it her. She should be by my side. With me. We should be holding up and leaning on each other. But I had given up that right when I had left her. When I had written that f*cking letter that at the time seemed like the right thing to do.

Now I was seeing it was a huge mistake. Because I had effectively robbed myself of the one thing that had ever made me happy.

I finally understood all too well what people meant when they say the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Because I was stuck in the middle of my own personal purgatory.

People started to find their seats and I realized the service was about to begin. So I went to join Ruby and Lisa’s parents at the front of the church. She reached over and grabbed ahold of my hand when I sat down and we held onto each other as the minister began his sermon about the beauty of heaven and Lisa entering God’s Kingdom. What a bunch of sanctimonious bullshit. Lisa would have hated every minute of this over indulgent, trite nonsense.

But funerals were for the living and really had nothing to do with the person who died. They were meant to give those left behind some sort of solace. But I found none. I just felt empty.

Looking over at Ruby, with her head bowed low, her hair obscuring her face I knew she was feeling the exact same way. How do you go on living when the love of your life was gone?

I looked over my shoulder, taking in the row after row of people come to pay their respects. Lisa’s family, her friends, her co-workers. And my eyes rested on Maggie. She was listening to the minister with an unreadable expression on her face.

As though she could feel me looking, her gaze met mine. Her eyes were wet, I could see it from here. But one thing was for certain; those eyes of hers had always been my undoing.

I had to look away. My heart felt too full in my chest and I could barely breathe. So I tried to focus on the rest of the service. Before I knew it, it was over and people were filing out of the church. Ruby clutched my arm as I led her out the side door and toward my car.

“How are you holding up?” I asked quietly into her ear as I opened up the passenger side door. Ruby shook her head, letting out a muffled sob as she sank into the leather seat. I closed the door behind her with a soft click and went around to the driver’s side.

And then we made our way to the cemetery to put Lisa into the ground. Ruby said nothing, lost in her own world. And I had never felt more alone.