Light in the Shadows

CHAPTER TWO


-MAGGIE-



This job was going to kill me. I wrapped a wet paper towel around the scald on my wrist and winced. Hot coffee and Maggie May Young clearly didn't mix.

Let me rephrase. Hot coffee being carried on a precariously balanced tray and Maggie May Young were bad news. I removed the towel and glared at the huge red splotch on my skin. That would definitely blister.

“What the heck did you do?” a voice asked from behind me. I rolled my eyes at Jake Fitzsimmons, who put down the pastries he was loading into the display case and came over to check out my war wound.

“I was on the wrong end of a Mocha Latte,” I deadpanned, pulling my sleeve down to cover my angry skin. I gave my co-worker and friend a painful grimace. Jake frowned with concern and held out his hand.

“Let me see, Maggie,” he told me firmly. I rolled my eyes again but held my arm out for him to inspect. I looked around the bustling café and knew I needed to get back to work. The place was slammed.

I had been working at Java Madness for two weeks. I had just been taken off of probation three days ago and here I was, nursing a nasty burn and ready to throw my apron on the floor and stomp out. For some reason, I was really struggling with coffee making and waiting tables. You wouldn't think it would be akin to brain surgery, but I had dropped more trays, broken more mugs and gotten more orders wrong in the last two weeks than seemed acceptable.

The manager, Jacob, looked ready to can me last night when I had a table complain about how I screwed up their sandwich order, not once, but twice. I was trying. Honestly. But as with everything in my life anymore...it was just a struggle. Nothing was easy and normal anymore and it was difficult putting all the pieces together into a picture that made sense.

Jake Fitzsimmons had been working at Java Madness for a year and was trying to help me keep my job. I gave him a wan smile as he ran his fingers over the burn lightly. I tried not to rip my hand away from him, not liking him touching me in any way. But it wasn't like he was trying to cop a feel. He was just being concerned.

After a few more seconds, I couldn't help it; I wriggled my arm from his grasp. “I'll live,” I muttered, turning back to the espresso machine that had already maimed me once. I glared at the shiny, silver contraption. “Play nice,” I directed its way under my breath.

Jake laughed as I started to fiddle with the nobs. He reached from behind me and put two mugs under the spigots and turned it on. “Thanks,” I said; giving him what I hoped was a sincere smile. I would seriously be lost in this place if he didn't continuously rescue me from coffee related mishaps.

“You'll get it...eventually,” he teased, turning back to the display case. I waited for the drinks and leaned against the counter. Jake looked up at me, his eyes sparkling in that flirty way of his and I had to look away. Jake was cute and at one time, I had found his boy next-door good looks to be attractive. With his short red hair and pretty blue eyes, what wasn’t there to like? But that was before I had been ruined for any guy that wasn't the dark headed, tortured lone wolf type.

Jake's smile immediately made me feel uncomfortable. Jake and I had an easy banter. Always had. Even if he had never been exactly subtle in the fact that he wanted more than friendship. But he hadn't pushed it since...well...since the incident.

God, I couldn't even think about it properly in the privacy of my own thoughts. I couldn't think about him at all, not while I was out in public. Otherwise, I ran the risk of turning into a huge blubbering mess. And I had vowed to myself six weeks ago when I had gotten the letter, that I wouldn't become that person...ever again.

But I still felt strange being around people. Like they were all looking at me and talking about me and feeling...gah...SYMPATHY for me. And I hated that. Because I didn't need or deserve their sympathy. But I was the girl who had run off with her mentally unstable boyfriend, only to be brought back to town after his suicide attempt and being subsequently institutionalized. Nothing was a secret in Davidson, so of course everyone knew the sordid details.

And boys...well they were out of the question. Dating, kissing, maybe loving anyone else was so not on my radar. Not when every night when I fell asleep I did so with the picture of his face ever present in my mind.

And Jake. Sweet, good hearted Jake. We were just friends. Would only ever be friends. But I saw the way he looked at me. I wasn't an idiot. I was just refusing to acknowledge it. Denial seemed to work for me, so I stuck with it.

I put the small, circular tray on the counter and loaded it up with drinks. “Maybe you should come back and get the rest,” Jake suggested, indicating my full tray. His raised eyebrows made me laugh. And that felt good. I laughed so rarely any more that I almost forgot what it felt like when it did happen.

“I think you may be right,” I conceded, taking a few of the drinks off and going around the counter to take them to my table. I delivered everything and did a little jig when I got back to my station by the espresso machine. Jake came up and gave me a high five, grinning at me.

“You did it! That's four tables in a row without dropping anything! That has to be a record,” Jake joked, squeezing my shoulder. I tried not to shrug off his hand and forced a smile.

“I have employee of the month written all over me,” I quipped and Jake just shook his head before going to tend to his own tables.

I looked up at the sound of the bell on the door, signaling another customer. “Hey guys!” I called out as Rachel and Daniel came in. It was still strange seeing them together, holding hands. They looked up at me and in unison, dropped their clasped hands. I frowned. They did that a lot. Made a point not to touch or act like the couple that they were. I worried that they were doing that because of me. Which was ridiculous. I had told them time and time again, I was over the moon with how happy they were together.

Or maybe they were taking pity on my pathetic loveless existence.

Daniel gave me a smirk. “What's the total?” he asked without preamble. I shot him a look of pure death. He laughed as Rachel elbowed him in the gut, making him grunt.

“Shut it, Danny,” she growled and I smiled at her. Rachel had really grown into herself over the past six months. Long gone was the girl who was scared to speak her mind and stand up for herself. And I was the first person to be glad to see that particular girl take a hike.

I liked this Rachel a hell of a lot better.

Jake came up beside me and leaned across the counter to fist bump Daniel and then to give Rachel a hug. He slung an arm around my shoulders. “Zero today, man. Our girl is on a roll,” Jake said over a chuckle.

My stomach clenched and I instantly tensed up. Our girl? Uh, I don't think so.

I looked at Rachel, who was staring rather pointedly at the arm Jake had so carelessly flung around me. And it was obvious she was picking up on my discomfort with Jake's over the top familiarity. We were just friends. Then why did it seem as though I was committing a betrayal by even allowing him to touch me?

Oh that's right, because I still hung onto the hope that my broken knight would gallop back into my life and sweep me off of my feet.

I never claimed to not be delusional.

I wiggled out from under Jake's arm and he backed away a bit. He gave me a smile that barely concealed his disappointment. Well, he'd have to live with a lot of disappointment because I AM NOT going there with him, I thought harshly.

Daniel let out a whoop, pulling my attention back to my best friends. “Nothing broken in two hours? That's damn near amazing, Mags!” He ruffled my hair in that annoying way of his and I swatted him away.

“Enough about my less than stellar waitressing abilities and give me your damn order,” I bit out, trying not to be irritated by his friendly ribbing. Rachel elbowed her boyfriend again and he grabbed her hand and pulled it to his mouth, kissing it softly.

They stared into the others’ eyes and I wistfully watched the way their bodies instinctively moved toward one other. Then as if realizing what they were doing, they simultaneously looked my way and backed away from each other.

And that made me feel like shit. I didn't want them to hide how crazy in love they were just because they felt sorry for me. Even if watching their obvious happiness was like a knife in my heart. A sharp reminder of my own loneliness and misery.

I plastered a smile on my face. “The usual?” I asked, looking between them. They both nodded. “Head over to a table and I'll bring your order in a minute,” I said, pushing away the money Danny tried to put in my hand. “It's on me,” I told him.

“Thanks, Maggie,” Rachel said appreciatively and blew me a kiss as she headed toward a table by the window. Daniel grabbed a handful of napkins.

“Don't drop anything!” he joked and I threw a coffee stirrer at him. Jake made Rachel's tomato and cheese panini and I loaded up a plate with brownies and cookies for Daniel. For a guy in such great shape, he really did eat like a five year old with a sugar addiction.

“Are you going to Ray's thing tonight?” Jake asked me out of left field. I darted him a look out of the corner of my eye as I grabbed a macaroon. Peering down at the plate, I figured I may just put Danny in a sugar coma with this junk.

“Uh, I wasn't aware there was a thing at Ray's,” I answered noncommittally. It's not that I wasn't invited; I just knew that a lot of people stopped bothering to extend their offers of parties and get togethers anymore. As much as I was trying to have some sort of normal life, it was slow coming. Rachel and Daniel were the only ones I spent any sort of time with. Massive social gatherings felt like a panic attack waiting to happen.

I had never before been this kooky social phobic shut in that I had become. But after everything I had been through this past school year and knowing that I was still the subject of so much speculation and gossip, I had no desire to mingle.

Jake let out an exasperated snort and I looked up at him in surprise. “What?” I asked defensively. Jake narrowed his eyes and looked as though he wanted to shake me.

“When will you stop hiding away like a hermit? Your life isn't over as much as you act like it is,” he said with irritation. My eyes widened a bit in shock. And then they narrowed into angry slits. What business was it of Jake F*cking Fitzsimmons if I go out or not? I did not appreciate his insinuation or attitude.

“I don't act like my life is over! Pardon me if I have more to do with my time than to hang out with a bunch of lame ass drunks who find beer pong to be the height of sophistication,” I hissed, grabbing the plate with Rachel's panini from Jake's hands, sending potato chips careening to floor.

I let out a growl of frustration and bent down to pick up the mess. I wanted to scream at Jake that he needed to back off. But I also wanted to scream at myself. Because maybe he was right. I had been in my designated hidey hole for months now. I did act as though my life were over.

But wasn't it?

Hadn't I pinned all my hopes and dreams on a boy who ultimately ripped them up and threw them away? I had been a stupid, naive girl. But I missed that girl too. Because the one who had been left behind was bitter and heart broken.

Jake knelt beside me and sighed. “I'm sorry, Maggie. I'm just sick of seeing you mope around over that guy. He's gone. He's not coming back. Don't you think it's time to start doing something more than what you're doing?” he asked me delicately, obviously not sure how I would respond to his words.

Because we never talked about Clayton Reed. In fact, most people made it a point to avoid the topic altogether. Well, at least to my face. I knew his name was whispered behind my back - a lot.

But Jake was just being a friend. And I was in short supply of those lately. And maybe he was right...I needed to let my friends off of my emotional suicide watch. And then I felt angry again. This time at Clay. For reducing me to this. For letting me go. For abandoning me when I had never, not once, abandoned him.

And it was that that made me get to my feet and straighten my spine. “You're right, Jake. I'll go tonight,” I said with a determination that I had been missing for a while now.

Jake grinned and pulled me into a hug. I tried not to push him away. But he seemed to be doing the touching thing a lot lately. I should probably put him in his place. Remind him that I was not interested in him like that. But it felt nice to be held. However briefly. So I let him. For a few seconds at least. Then I felt the weirdness and pulled away.

Feeling a little bit better, I took Rachel and Daniel their food and drinks. Daniel didn't waste a moment before attacking the plate of diabetes I gave him. Rachel bit into her sandwich and looked at me with her all seeing eyes.

“Well, things are looking awfully friendly in here,” she remarked and I wanted to snap at her to drop it. Rachel and Daniel had mentioned, on more than one occasion mind you, that Jake was interested in me. You'd have to be blind not to know that. They never pushed it, knowing I haven't been ready. But I knew they held onto the silent hope that I would snap out of my Clay funk and give Daniel's friend a chance. Rachel had serious double dating fantasies (something she probably wouldn't have convinced Daniel to participate in if it were Clay I was with). I was really sick of dodging this bullet. But for once I didn't smack down her verbal query. I just shrugged my shoulders and sat back in the chair, watching in disgusted awe as Daniel finished off the last of his food.

I saw the considerable effort it took for Rachel to suppress her obvious glee. She knew my lack of a hateful response was in its own way a small victory. And I let her have it. For now.

“I don't know whether to be completely impressed or ready to throw up,” I whispered dramatically, as I put Daniel's now empty plate on the tray. Rachel shook her head and shot Danny a loving smile. The softness of her expression reminded me so much of the way I used to look at...

I jumped to my feet. There had been enough reminiscing for one day. “So, I think I'm going to head over to Ray's this evening,” I announced louder than I meant to. Daniel and Rachel stopped making goo-goo eyes at each other and looked at me in surprise. Well, surprise was an understatement. They were staring at me as though I suggested hitchhiking to California. And that just reinforced how out of touch I had become with my own life.

“You are? Really?” Rachel squeaked and I set my mouth in a grim line.

“That's awesome. You need a ride?” Daniel asked, grinning at me. I shook my head.

“Nah. I'll drive myself. That way if you want to leave early, or stay later than me, it won't be a problem. What time should I head over?” I asked, ignoring the giddy expressions on my friends' faces.

“Uh, eight? But what made you decide to come?” Rachel asked me.

“I convinced her to grace us with her presence for the evening,” Jake piped in, appearing by my side and taking the tray from my hands. I clenched my hands into fists and willed myself not to say something hateful. He really was all up in my business today.

Rachel's eyes flashed at me and I could see the wheels turning. I glared at her in warning. She wisely stayed quiet. “Well, thanks for the intervention. She needs to do more than work and go to the grocery store. She currently has the social life of a nursing home resident and even they play Bingo,” Daniel said.

I threw my hands up in frustration. “You guys act like I've been sitting in a darkened room every night. Give it a rest, will you,” I snapped. Rachel seemed contrite, while Daniel, damn him, just laughed at my ire.

“Not far from the mark there, Mags,” he mused and I shut up. Because he was right.

“Okay, well, I'll see you later,” I said, giving up on the conversation. I left Jake to continue talking with Rachel and Daniel and headed back toward the counter. There was a line and Jennifer, the other girl working, looked flustered.

I hurried to help her and got lost in the chaos for a while. I found that being busy really helped keep my mind free and clear of the dark thoughts that I tended to gravitate towards. And I realized I was looking forward to going out tonight. Being around friends. I was finally ready to take a step in the right direction and get things back on track.

“Maggie.” I looked up at the voice and froze. And just like that I wanted to run in the back and hide. Not because I didn't want to see the person that said my name, but because those dark thoughts that I had kept at bay all afternoon, came rushing back.

“Hi, Lisa. How are you?” I asked, trying to sound happy to see her. And on some level I was. I really liked Lisa. She and Ruby, Clay's aunt, were two of the most loving people I had ever met. And I would always appreciate the way she had supported me during one of the bleakest times of my life.

But seeing her made me invariably think of him. And given the yo-yo of emotions that unfurled inside me, I knew that wasn’t a particularly good thing.

Lisa's mouth raised in a hesitant smile. As though she wasn't entirely sure of the reception I'd give her. I hadn't seen Lisa or Ruby since right after the incident. In a small town like Davidson, it was actually surprising that we hadn't crossed paths. But we hadn't. Until now. Until I was finally feeling ready to move on with my life and get it together. It was like fate or something.

Fate was a f*cking bitch.

I felt bad for seeing Lisa's wariness. So I came from around the counter and gave her a hug. The much taller woman squeezed tight before letting me go. “You look great,” she said kindly. I cleared my throat uncomfortably. Yeah, I'm sure I looked a hell of a lot better than the last time she saw me. I had been a complete wreck. So I was sure anything had to be better than that.

“Thanks. How's Ruby?” I asked, realizing that I missed Clay's wacky aunt. I missed her store. I had made it a point to stay away from my favorite shop, knowing it would be too painful to go inside.

Lisa's face softened at the mention of her girlfriend. I had always loved the natural and beautiful affection between her and Ruby. It was something I had aspired to have in my own life. And at one time, I thought I had it.

“She's Ruby. Wonderful as always. Still trying to force herbal tea down my throat on a daily basis.” We both laughed. Ruby was formidable when it came to forcing herbal concoctions down your throat.

“She'd love to see you,” Lisa said softly. I looked away, not sure how to answer. I'd love to see her too. But it was too soon.

“Yeah,” was all I said, feeling the need to end the conversation and get my ass out of there. But then, as if by compulsion I spit out, “How's Clay?”

There was an immediate silence. I couldn't believe I just asked that. My heart started to hammer in my chest and just saying his name out loud was like a bomb going off inside me. My hands were clammy and I felt strangely light headed. Jesus, I was a mess.

“He's...better,” Lisa said. I looked back at her and she appeared guarded. As though not sure how much she should say. Not that I blamed her. Clay had made it a point to not let me know exactly where he was. He had sent me a letter, telling me to get on with my life and move on and not once did he mention ever wanting to talk to me again. Without giving me any say in the matter, he had cut me off. Clay and I had been toxic together. I thought I was helping him but in reality I hadn't been. My denial and refusal to talk to anyone about what was going on with him had ultimately been his undoing. So, talking to the ex-girlfriend who had single handedly helped him walk off the cliff, had to be awkward for her. It was a wonder she was talking to me at all.

My eyes zeroed in on my sneakers. I felt small. And vulnerable. “That's good,” I choked out. I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell. I wanted to disappear into my hidey hole and never come out. Damn, and I had been feeling so good too.

“Maggie, sweetie,” Lisa said quietly and I looked up at her again and I wanted to cringe at the blatant sympathy in her eyes. I hated sympathy like I hated polyester. It made me itchy and uncomfortable. “I know things have been rough for you. I saw how much you loved him. Just know he's really trying to get himself together.”

I swallowed around the lump that had formed in my throat. I couldn't deny the relief that I felt at her words. I wanted Clay healthy and whole. I wanted him to get better. And I could admit that I hoped once he did that, he would come back to me. Because even as angry as I was at him for giving up on us, I missed him so much I hurt with it. So hearing that he was trying was the absolute best thing I could hear.

“I'm glad,” I told her sincerely. I looked over my shoulder and saw that Rachel and Daniel were watching Lisa and me intently. The concern for me was obvious on both of their faces. I gave them, what I hoped, was a reassuring smile. I also noticed that Jake was paying close attention to my exchange with Lisa. I wanted to roll my eyes at the lot of them. Did they think I was going to fall apart just by talking to a person connected with my ex? Sheesh, they should give me a bit more credit than that.

“I should get back to it. It was great seeing you again, Lisa,” I said; ready to put distance between me and the sudden reminder of my painful, not so distant past. I gave the other woman a final hug and started back toward the counter.

“Do you want us to give him a message? We're planning to see him next week for his birthday,” she called out, just as I was about to make my escape.

The breath left my lungs. Clay's birthday. Of course it was coming up. I thought about the present I had worked on for him just after he had left. It still sat, wrapped in newspaper, underneath my bed. I squared my shoulders and shook my head.

“No that's okay. Have a nice trip,” I said dismissively, not wanting to talk about Clay anymore. Lisa seemed to take the hint. She picked up her to-go cup and with a last smile, left the café.

I noticed that my friends didn't approach me. They knew I wasn't in the mood to discuss what had just happened and I appreciated their sixth sense when it came to my feelings. Jake gave me space as well and for that I was grateful.

Because right then, my mind was too full and my heart was too heavy. And that's all I could focus on.