Light in the Shadows

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN


-CLAY-



So here I was, living my dream. My hand wrapped around Maggie’s smaller one as we walked into the school together. It was like déjà vu and writing a whole new CHAPTER all at the same time.

This was familiar but new. I still couldn’t believe that we were here. In this place I hadn’t dared to think about. But this beautiful reality I found myself in was laced with that other thing. The weight of our past and the heaviness of our future.

I was so happy. But f*cking terrified at the same time. Because my brain still worked against me. Trying to twist this amazing thing into that something ugly. And that is why I still took my medication. Still went to therapy religiously. I would not ruin us this time. I had miraculously been given another chance. Another opportunity to live my life the way I was meant to.

Maggie and I still needed to talk. To lay so many things out on the table. But it was as though we were both scared to shatter this tentative peace we had created. Which was stupid. If there was one thing the both of us had learned it was that ignoring things didn’t make them go away. It only made it harder to face them when they finally came around to beat the shit out of you.

But for now we were going with plausible deniability and blissful ignorance wrapped up together in a blend of perfect delusion.

And for now that wasn’t a bad thing.

Last year had been about me and my crap. This time, I wanted to focus on Maggie.

My fingers flexed around hers as we walked through the front doors of the school. I swear to God, it was like everyone within a twenty foot radius ground to a halt and watched our progress down the hall.

I caught the firm lift of Maggie’s chin as though she were defying everyone. Daring them to say something. And God help them if they did. Because my girl was fierce and I would place my money on her any day.

I tried not to give a shit. What did these people mean in the grand scheme of my life? Not when the girl I would walk over burning, hot coals for was holding my hand. It really was all about the simple stuff. The bigger things, like my crazy, f*cked up head shit could be put on hold for a little while longer.

We stopped at her locker while she twisted the dial. I could see the tremors in her hand and I knew this was taking a lot out of her. And I realized that I didn’t know what she had to endure while I was in Florida. How much bullshit she had to swallow on a daily basis. But by the tension in her shoulders and the clench of her jaw, I could tell it had been a lot. And I felt even more like an ass for abandoning her the way that I had.

Here I was, the King of Abandonment issues, dishing it out with the worst of them. I had to make this better if it was the last thing I did.

“Do you have any plans for Friday night?” I asked her, shoving my hands into the pocket of my coat. The old green army jacket that I had worn like a second skin had long been lost. Left in that hotel room in North Carolina with the rest of the stuff I would never see again. Getting my shit out of the place where I had nearly destroyed everything hadn’t been high on my list of priorities. But damned if I didn’t miss the stupid thing. It was just a coat but for some reason it was like leaving a piece of me behind.

It really was ridiculous at how sentimental I became about the most inconsequential objects.

Maggie gave me a shy smile. This new, more reserved Maggie Young was hard to get used to at times. The Maggie I had met all those months ago was in your face. She didn’t hesitate to tell you what she was thinking, even if it hurt. She wasn’t ever cruel; she just lacked any patience for games. And that’s one of the million things I loved about her.

This Maggie was different. She seemed unsure and hesitant. She appeared to think before she spoke as though worried about the way her words would be received.

This Maggie made it her mission to disappear. And I hated that. Because I knew deep down that it was because of me. I had changed Maggie May Young in ways I had yet to understand.

I didn’t love her any less for it. In fact I loved her more than I thought my heart was capable of. But it didn’t stop the all too familiar sting of regret deep in my gut.

I reached out and tucked a fly away strand of dark brown hair behind her ear. Her shorter hair took some getting used to. Just another example of how much my girl had changed in the three short months we had been a part.

But they might as well have been three years and I had a lot to make up for.

“No plans,” she said quietly, stuffing her bag into the locker and grabbing her books for class.

I cupped the side of her neck and tugged her closer. I kissed the tip of her nose, making her blush. It was beautiful the way her skin flushed when I touched her. “I’d like to take you out,” I said, grinning at her.

“Like a date?” Maggie asked incredulously. I felt that jab of regret again, her surprise hitting me like a slap in the face. Regret was quickly replaced by guilt. I suddenly realized that we had never exactly gone out on a date. Before, we had spent most of our time at my house or Ruby’s shop. Sure, we went to Bubbles for sundaes and we’d rent movies. But I had not once taken her on a proper date.

Dinner, movie, walking her to the door and stealing a kiss goodnight.

F*ck! I really was an a*shole. No, not just an a*shole, but a selfish a*shole.

My smile was a bit more pained after that but I held it all the same. “Yeah, like a date. I want to take you out to dinner. Then you can drag me to whatever lame ass chick flick is playing.” Maggie’s smile grew wider and if I could punch myself in the nuts I would. Yep, I was a selfish a*shole.

“That sounds good. Um. Though, I haven’t…well…” Maggie stumbled and my eyebrows knit together.

“Spit it out,” I teased, tugging on her ponytail. Maggie bit her bottom lip and I wanted to pull it free with my teeth. I felt a stirring in my jeans and had to tamp down the urge to maul her in the hallway.

“Well, my parents don’t know about you and me. I haven’t told them.” Well, that was like a bucket of cold water on my burgeoning hard on.

“Oh. Okay. If you want to meet me somewhere, that’s cool.” No it wasn’t cool. It was the farthest thing from cool I could think of. This brought me perilously close to the way I felt before. When one of my greatest fears was never being the guy Mr. and Mrs. Young felt their only child deserved.

And I had proven their worries were completely founded.

I didn’t blame Maggie for not telling them. I wasn’t convinced I could ever be what they wanted for their daughter. But I was trying my f*cking hardest.

But hearing her hesitance to share our relationship with her mom and dad made me feel like shit. As though I was again the shameful secret. A role, I thought was singularly reserved for me as the son of Mr. and Mrs. Reed.

I never thought I’d have to feel this way as the boyfriend of Maggie Young.

Pain. Hurt. Betrayal. They were all there, jumping up and down, waiting for me to acknowledge them.

I wasn’t worth it.

I’ll never be enough for anyone.

There’s only one thing that will help it all go away.

NO! I stared into Maggie’s eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. I could see the dark brown cloud with concern and I tried like hell not to show her how much her statement had wounded me.

Maggie grabbed my hand and squeezed. I winced at the strength of her grip. “I just haven’t had a chance to really tell anyone. This is so new and I didn’t want to jinx it. I will tell them. I’ll tell everyone!” she said emphatically and I didn’t know if she was trying to convince me or herself.

“So, pick me up at seven,” she said, giving my hand a shake, pulling me out of the decidedly dark turn my thoughts had taken. My smile this time was a fake replica of the genuine one I had worn only minutes before.

“Sure,” I said, but I didn’t really mean it. My mind was trying to work its way through the nasty urges that whispered dangerously. Shame, guilt, anger. All waiting for me to do what I had to do in order for them to leave me alone.

I clenched my hands into tight fists.

“Clay,” Maggie said softly, clearly recognizing the look that had settled onto my face.

“Maggie! There you are! I waited for you at Java Madness this morning! I thought we were meeting there for coffee before school.” An indescribable emotion crossed Maggie’s face before she turned to Rachel, who had yet to notice me standing there.

“Girl, that was not cool. I had to drink my latte alone. And you know I don’t do alone,” Rachel chided teasingly. Then she realized I was standing there and I didn’t miss the shocked expression that she tried to hide. Maggie’s friend acknowledged our close proximity with her eyes but didn’t comment on it.

“Hey, Clay,” Rachel said in greeting, though it was far from the jovial tone she had used with Maggie. Her eyes darted between us. Maggie moved in closer to my side. It was a small movement, but it spoke volumes. And f*ck if it didn’t make all of the earlier bad stuff that was still floating around in my head, recede just a bit.

“Sorry, Rach. Clay picked me up. It was a last minute thing and I forgot to text you the change in plans.” Maggie’s voice was sharp, as though daring her friend to question her.

Rachel must have picked up on Maggie’s mood, because she stayed resolutely quiet, only lifting her shoulder in an offhanded shrug. “I guess I’ll see you later then.” Rachel held her hand up in a wave and went on down the hallway.

“Well, that was…awkward,” I mused sarcastically. Maggie slammed her locker shut and turned to face me.

“Yeah, it was.” She gave me a weak smile and I reached down and grabbed her hand. I refused to let anything, not Maggie’s friends, not the gossip obsessed jackasses at school and certainly not my insane paranoia and self-doubt piss on my cornflakes.

“I’ve got track practice after school. But do you want to do something after?” Maggie asked as we came to a stop in front of her classroom. I noticed the way everyone stared as they moved past us. Shit, did they really have nothing better to do than worry about what we were talking about? I didn’t do fishbowl living. I was already feeling the strain of being the focus of way too much attention.

“Uh, I can’t. I have an appointment right after school, then I have to work,” I said distractedly, trying not to get annoyed as I saw a group of girls stop and whisper behind their hands as they watched us.

“An appointment?” Maggie asked. I nodded, still too fixated on the gossiping going on around us. I felt cool fingers on my chin, pulling my face around so that I was looking down into Maggie’s beautiful brown eyes. Eyes that made me forget my own name.

“Don’t look at them. Look at me Clay,” she commanded and I was powerless to resist her. A smile danced on her lips as I ran my hand through my hair. “What appointment do you have?” she asked.

“Therapy,” I said shortly, dropping my voice so that only she could hear me. No sense in announcing it to half the student body.

Maggie’s face lit up, which took me aback. “Really? I’m so glad to hear that.” My shoulders relaxed at her easy acceptance. I finally returned her smile.

“I go twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays,” I admitted as Maggie squeezed my hand.

“Have I told you yet that I’m so proud of you?” she whispered, stepping in closer so that our chests brushed against one another. I wanted to grab her and kiss her right there. And I would have if Daniel hadn’t picked that exact moment to come on the scene.

“The bell’s about to ring, Mags. Hurry it up.” Daniel stood to our side and seemed ready to wait for Maggie to follow him. I met Daniel’s eyes and caught the unspoken communication he broadcast my way. Don’t f*ck her over again.

Reading you loud and clear, buddy. I communicated back.

I backed away from Maggie and gave her a last smile. “I’ll see you later,” I said, trying not to get irritated as Daniel began to shepherd her away. He was so f*cking transparent. But I grudgingly appreciated how he looked after her.

After all, he had been the one to make sure she was okay after all I had done to her. I don’t think I was in any position to be annoyed with him. Not where Maggie was concerned.

“Lunch?” Maggie said and I darted another glance at Daniel. Yeah, I didn’t think he’d be joining the Maggie and Clay bandwagon anytime soon. But I’d have to deal with that. For Maggie. Because Daniel would have to see eventually that I meant to do right by his friend. I knew I had a lot of proving to do and I was determined to do it.

“Not today, I have to meet with the guidance counselor to go over some stuff,” I said and she tried to cover up her disappointment.

“Okay then. I guess I’ll talk to you later.” I inclined my head in agreement and waited until she was inside her classroom before turning to Daniel who still stood there, arms crossed over his chest.

“So much for not opening that book again, huh?” he asked me and for once there wasn’t any anger in his tone. He seemed almost resigned.

“Yeah, well. You know how it goes.” Okay, that didn’t answer shit. But I really didn’t feel like getting into the touchy feely saga with Daniel Lowe. That would go over like a lead balloon.

Daniel leaned against the doorframe and cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah, actually I do know how it goes.” Surprisingly we had a moment of understanding flicker between us and for the first time ever, I felt like Daniel and I got each other on some level. Maybe being with Rachel had mellowed him out more than I thought.

Daniel pushed himself off the wall. “Guess I’ll be seeing you around then,” was all he said before joining Maggie and the rest of the students in their English class.

Huh. That was the most normal conversation I’ve ever had with the guy.

The rest of the day passed without issue or drama. Which was an amazing feet in high school. My meeting with the guidance counselor at lunch time proved to be a bit more anxiety inducing. I was happy to learn I wasn’t as behind in school as I originally thought. Thanks mostly to the hefty amount of work I completed while at the Grayson Center.

The problem began when Mr. Hunt started to ask what my plans were for after graduation. I had sat there, my mouth hanging open, with no way of answering him. Because I wasn’t in the habit of thinking much beyond tomorrow, let alone putting on paper what I wanted out of my life.

For the longest time all I cared about was getting through the day. When your every breath was an effort, that quickly became the extent of your expectations. But now, with the end of my high school career looming in front of me like a giant neon sign, I realized I had never taken the time to develop…well…actual goals.

I did decently in school, when I was paying attention and focused. My GPA wasn’t anything fantastic, but it didn’t suck either. So when Mr. Hunt started to throw out words like community college and university, I felt blindsided.

For a guy with no thoughts for the future, it was expected that it was time I started figuring some shit out.

I left the guidance department with my bag stuffed full of brochures. Crap. College. Then I realized I didn’t know what Maggie’s plans were for after we graduated. Of course she would be going away somewhere but we hadn’t discussed it.

And there was the panic again. It overtook me so quickly I barely had time to register the full blown attack that swept through my body. I pushed my way into the bathroom at the end of the corridor. It was thankfully empty.

The one time I might consider taking one of the anxiety pills Dr. Todd had prescribed and I had left the damn things at home.

I braced myself on the edge of the sink and tried to get my breathing under control. I looked up at my reflection and winced at the white pallor of my skin. I turned the tap on and splashed my face with ice cold water. My heart slammed with force inside my chest and my throat constricted painfully.

Reframe, focus, go to my calm place. God damn it! Don’t do this! Not here!

“F*ck, man, are you okay?” I had the shittiest luck on the planet.

Daniel stood just inside the door to the guys’ bathroom and I knew he was staring at me. I clenched my eyes shut and willed him away. Maybe if I ignore him, he’ll take the hint. Or maybe I should just advertise my fresh round of crazy with Maggie’s best friend and get it over with.

I felt lightheaded and even though I tried like hell to calm myself down, having Daniel in here with me at such a vulnerable moment, made it one hundred times worse. “Just get out.” My words came out of my mouth in a distorted hush.

“Like hell. You look like you’re going to keel over and I don’t need that on my conscience.” I heard Daniel move across the bathroom and he was suddenly beside me. Just freaking great, he was going to play hero to the nut job. Not what I needed right now.

“I’m fine. Just leave,” I growled.

I heard Daniel turn on the water followed by a cold, wet paper towel thrust into my hand. “Just put it on your face. It might help.” I was sweating like a pig and shaking like I was having a seizure. But I took his advice and pressed the cloth to my face.

“You just need to breathe. One at a time.” Daniel’s voice became calm and direct and I found myself responding to it.

It could have been ten minutes or an hour later, but I finally felt my heart slow down and my head clear. When I opened my eyes, Daniel was still standing there. And I didn’t see any judgment on his face. This was not the Daniel Lowe I was used to dealing with.

“You cool?” he asked, taking the paper towel from my hand and tossing it in the trash.

“Yeah, I’m cool,” I replied. Good ol’ shame and embarrassment were quickly making an appearance. Of all people to see me at my worst, it had to be Daniel F*cking Lowe.

“I used to get those. Panic attacks, I mean. After my parents split up and my mom moved me in with her and her f*ck-wad of a boyfriend. They can be pretty intense.” I shot Daniel a look from the corner of my eye. Was he being for real right now? Sharing personal stories and all that kumbaya crap?

“Yeah, they can be,” I admitted, still reluctant to share anything with the guy who had never bothered to hide the fact that he didn’t trust me or even particularly like me. Daniel reached down and picked up the bag that I had thrown on the floor.

He handed it to me and I took it, slinging it over my shoulder. I jammed my hands into my pockets and met Daniel’s stare head on. No sense in being a p-ssy about it.

“Thanks,” I said begrudgingly. Maybe I shouldn’t be such a dick to the guy who had just helped me out. But the last thing I wanted was to acknowledge what had happened to Maggie’s best friend and the leader of the anti-Clay club. Because I know if there was one, this dude would be the president.

Daniel ran his hand over his head and darted his eyes around the restroom. “Look, man. I know I haven’t been the most…uh…supportive of you and Maggie. And I’m still not sure how I feel seeing the two of you all up in each other’s asses again. But, I know you’re a decent guy. So for now, I’m reserving judgment.”

I snorted. “Wow, that’s really big of you,” I said sarcastically. Daniel smiled sheepishly.

“Okay, so that sounded way assier than I meant it to. What I’m trying to say, is I know you’re dealing with shit. A lot of shit by the looks of it. And for Maggie’s sake…well…and yours too, I won’t be the speed bump on your road to the candy castle or whatever.”

His metaphors were confusing the hell out of me but I guess I got what he was trying to say. “I don’t know about any candy castle. Whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. But I appreciate where you’re trying to go with that.” My lips quirked in a grin and Daniel took my cue and laughed. The tension that had been building popped like a bubble.

We left the bathroom and walked down the quiet hallway. We were already twenty minutes late for class. Shit. “So, if you don’t mind me asking, what the hell brought all that on back there?” Daniel asked and I clamped down immediately. It was an age old response to people digging into my crap.

“Yeah, no offense, but I’m really not into talking about it with people.” I probably sounded harsher than I meant to. But I was not trying to hash out my crazy psyche for Daniel to analyze. My insurance paid a professional to do that twice a week.

“I get it. Sorry for sticking my nose in. Just, you know…if you ever want to talk about stuff. I mean, I’m here if you want. And I don’t mean for that to sound as douchy as it came out. I swear to god, I did not just grow a vagina.” I barked out a laugh and Daniel grinned.

“Glad to hear it, otherwise Rachel’s in for one hell of a surprise,” I joked. Wow. It was like I had entered a parallel universe. I was joking around with Daniel of all people. Almost like we were friends. I hadn’t had many of those over the years. At least not ones that I wasn’t forced into spending time with out of service plan necessity.

“Alright, well I’ve got to get to class. Mrs. Bowan is going to castrate me for being late again. I’ll catch you later,” Daniel said, heading up the stairs.

“Hey, Daniel,” I called out before he disappeared. Daniel turned around.

“I just want you to know that all that shit, well I’m working on it.” I just really needed him to know that I was going to do my damnedest to make this right for Maggie. That I wasn’t the selfish jackass I was three months ago. That I was going to do what I needed to do for the girl we both loved.

Daniel gave me a curt nod. “Glad to hear it. Check you later.” And with that, he disappeared up the stairs.

***

Therapy went well. After my mini-meltdown in the bathroom at school, I was in a surprisingly good place. I talked to Shaemus about Maggie. And unlike with Dr. Todd, he didn’t immediately launch into all of the reasons it wasn’t a good idea. Though he did remind me that it perhaps wasn’t a good idea to put so much energy into a relationship while I was working on getting myself in order.

He then suggested I bring Maggie in for a session or two. This blew my mind. Why in the hell would I bring Maggie to therapy? But when Shaemus explained that it could be a way for both of us to break the patterns we had developed in our relationship and learn better ways to communicate, I couldn’t deny that it sounded really good.

But how to broach the subject with Maggie? Hey, you wanna go hang out at my shrink’s office for some super intense couple’s therapy? Now there was a date to remember.

After leaving Shaemus’ office, I headed home to change for my shift at Bubbles. Ruby’s car was parked by the house, but when I went inside, it was quiet. Not wanting to disturb her, I hurried to change then headed to work.

Checking my phone after I pulled into the parking lot I saw that I had a text from Maggie.

Just finished practice. Thinking of you. Call me when your shift is over. We have some date planning to do.

My phone rang in my hand and I frowned at the unfamiliar number that flashed across the screen. “Hello?” I said, answering it.

“Clay?” a female voice said on the other end.

“Maria?” I asked and heard her familiar giggle through the line.

“Yep, it’s me! How are you? I miss you so much!” Her voice was high pitched as though she were nervous. I instantly felt guilty for not contacting her or my other friends from the center since I had been back in Virginia. The truth was I hadn’t much thought about them. And that made me a really crappy friend.

“Wow! Maria, I’m good actually. Much better than I thought I’d be. How are you?” I figured I’d leave the whole I miss you thing alone for now.

I heard Maria take a deep breath. “Well, that’s actually why I called. I’ve been discharged from Grayson.” I frowned at her statement.

“You’ve been discharged? I thought you were going to do another six months.” Maria and I had both talked about staying on for the six month program before I left. But then I had up and left. I really hoped her decision had nothing to do with my leaving. But I had a bad feeling that it did. Maria’s attachment had become borderline dependent. Dr. Todd and I had discussed it a few times. He had mentioned that it was normal for people in treatment to come to rely on other patients as a means of emotional support. That it wasn’t unusual for people to transfer their intense feelings onto those around them.

Dr. Todd had warned me that it could quickly become unhealthy and counterproductive. Which is why staff closely monitored interactions between patients. Though I knew for a fact quite a few had entered into romantic relationships with each other while in treatment.

But Maria and I, we were just friends. But I knew my leaving would be hard for her. So hearing that she had left had me worried.

“Yeah, well, I was sort of sick of being there. I didn’t really feel like I was going to get any more out of it, you know?” I guess I could understand that, but I wasn’t convinced that was Maria’s reason for leaving.

“So, where are you then? Back with your grandma?” Maria lived with her grandmother in Boca Raton before she went to the Grayson center. Her biological father was in jail for abusing her when she was a child and Maria hadn’t heard from her mother since she was ten. So she had gone to live with her mother’s mother who happened to be a cosmetic executive and had more money than God. But thus had very little time for her emotionally scarred granddaughter. This had created the perfect environment for self-destructive behavior. Maria and I had more in common in ways that neither of us liked to acknowledge.

“Yeah, for now. I’m finishing up the last few credits for school. Blah, blah, blah. That’s not why I’m calling, Clay!” Maria squealed and I couldn’t help but laugh at her boisterous excitement.

“Okay, okay. Spill already before you have an aneurism.” Maria’s girlish laugh filled the other end of the phone and I found that I really did miss her and all of our friends back at Grayson. Even though I was there to deal with some heavy shit, in a way it was a hell of a lot simpler. Sure I was only living half a life, but it was an uncomplicated half a life.

“I’m coming to Virginia!” she rushed out and I stilled in surprise.

“You’re coming to Virginia? Why?” Okay, so I hadn’t meant to sound so unhappy by the idea. But hadn’t I just been thinking how uncomplicated my life was at Grayson’s? That didn’t mean I wanted that life to follow me on the outside. Compartmentalization was key.

“Wow, don’t sound so thrilled,” Maria said, clearly hurt by my lack of enthusiasm.

“Sorry. No, that’s cool. What brings you north of the Florida state line?” I asked, rubbing the piece of skin between my eyebrows. I was getting a headache.

“Well, I’m only going to be there for a few days. I’m actually heading to Alexandria, to see my older brother, Hector. I haven’t seen him in years. And we started talking again while I was in treatment, so I figured it was a good time to come up and see him. Plus, I thought it would be the perfect excuse to visit with my best friend.” Way to lay on the guilt. Sheesh.

“No, that’s cool. I’d love to see you. So when will you be coming to Virginia? You know I could come up to Alexandria to see you. Save you the hassle of driving to Davidson.” Please, please, please.

I wasn’t sure why this was stressing me out so badly. But I just knew that Maria being here would push my two worlds uncomfortably together.

“And miss out on seeing all the sights of Davidson, Virginia? There is no way I’m missing out on that. I’ll be up next weekend. I’ll call you when I get to Alexandria and we can sort out a time for me to come down. Eeee! I’m so excited!” Maria’s giddiness was hard to ignore. Yeah, this was fine. Maria was cool. No weirdness necessary.

“I can’t wait to hear all about your life on the outside. Is it everything you hoped it would be?” she asked. I needed to get inside Bubbles and start my shift.

“I can fill you in next weekend. I’ve got to get to work,” I explained. Maria gave a mock gasp.

“You’re working? Look at you being a productive member of society.” I chuckled.

“That’s me, productive society guy,” I deadpanned.

“Before you go, have you seen that girl? Maggie?” Maria asked and I knew there was more to her direction of questioning than simple curiosity.

“Yeah. Actually, she and I are well…we got back together,” I admitted.

“Oh. That’s great, Clay. I hope you’re happy,” she sounded sincere, if a little crestfallen. I tried to ignore the disappointment and jealousy in her voice.

“I’d better get going. I’ll talk to you next week,” I said, ready to conclude the phone call.

I wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about Maria’s upcoming visit. But my gut, or was it my deep seeded paranoia, couldn’t help but feel this was a disaster waiting to happen.