Light in the Shadows

CHAPTER SIXTEEN


-MAGGIE-



To say things have been…intense since Clay has shown back up in my life, would be a vast understatement. The truth was I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel or act. Or what the hell I was supposed to say to him when he looked at me like I held the answers to the most important questions.

Last Friday had been completely surreal. It was like the past and the present had gotten all mixed up and I was somehow transported back in time. It had been too easy, too natural, to fall back into that place in my life where Clay fit.

And it was just as easy to remember why he could so easily tear me apart. I could tell that he was trying to change. I could practically see the struggle in him to show me that see I’m different. And in some ways he was.

Gone was the paranoid, hypersensitive recluse. Since returning to school, he seemed to make it a point to talk to people. He didn’t skirt the edges of the hallway, hoping no one would notice him. He walked straight down the middle with his head held high. And I felt my heart swell in my chest each and every time I saw him because I was so proud of him.

He seemed to be doing his best to ignore the insatiable gossip that still swirled around him. More power to him, because that was something I had yet to master.

Rachel told me he had started working at Bubbles. The fact he was working at a place where he would be forced to interact with people on a regular basis absolutely floored me.

He was trying to paint a new picture of himself, that was clear. But it didn’t change what I had glimpsed when he dropped me off at my house last week. The anger and jealousy when he realized it was Jake on the phone. The way he had instantly shut me out. I had seen the wall come down. And I had been devastated and disappointed. Because I had hoped we were past that particular ugliness. But apparently not. Because that other Clay was still there. At least when he was around me. And that Clay still scared the hell out of me. And I wasn’t sure if this new and improved Clayton Reed would ever be able to eradicate him.

There were times during the week when I would see him in the hallway or in the cafeteria and our eyes would meet and I could believe that we would find our way back to each other. That no matter what, Clay and I belonged together.

But then he would look away, move on, and I just knew he was avoiding me. Because he had made no effort to talk to me since being at Ruby’s shop. And, for the first time in my entire life, I didn’t do what was in my nature. Barge in, demand an explanation. Take control of things until I was satisfied with the result. It was as though I were waiting for a sign that read safe to proceed.

But so far, I was looking for something that remained hidden.

And Jake. Well, I felt like a real bitch for the way I had treated him. He had been such a good friend, even if I knew he had been biding his time, waiting for me to realize he was the guy I wanted to be with.

And for one whole moment, I thought that yeah, maybe I could move on and be with someone else. And why couldn’t that someone be Jake Fitzsimmons?

But then Clay had blown back into my world and I realized I was deluding myself. Because I couldn’t stomach the thought of sharing my life with anyone else.

“Why don’t we order a pizza and catch up on CSI. I won’t tell your mom that we watched TV during dinner,” my dad joked, dropping his keys down on the counter after coming in from work.

It was Thursday, Mom’s Bunco night. Dad and I had proclaimed it Pizza Thursday years ago and it was a routine we rarely deviated from. I looked up from my English homework and grinned as my dad started rooting through the junk drawer, trying to find the coupons for Papa John’s.

“Sounds like a plan,” I agreed. My dad opened the refrigerator to get a drink and pulled out a Pyrex dish covered in foil with a note attached to the top. My dad read it and let out an audible groan.

“What is it?” I asked, coming over to grab the note. It was from my mom. She was asking my dad to run the casserole over to Ruby. A knot suddenly formed in my stomach.

“Well, that was nice of her,” I said, peeking up at my dad hesitantly. His mouth was set in a firm line and he looked anything but pleased with my mother’s thoughtfulness.

“I wish she’d just leave well enough alone,” he grumbled, putting the casserole down on the counter with a hard slam.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, getting annoyed by my dad’s rudeness. Whatever his feelings for Clay, how he could be less than friendly to Ruby after all that she had been through seemed callous.

My dad sighed. “I feel horrible for Ruby. She’s a sweet woman, always has been. But it doesn’t change the fact that her nephew caused you a lot of anguish. Anguish I don’t want to see repeated. And I think prolonging our contact with that family, whatever the reason, is just asking for more heartache.” I understood his hesitance about putting Clay and me in close proximity. That didn’t change the fact that Clay and Ruby had lost someone they loved and needed as much support as we could give them.

But I understood where my dad was coming from. He had to watch his only child waste away in the middle of a severe depression brought on by a destructive relationship with Ruby’s very sick nephew. I could get why he wanted us to keep our distance.

But that just wasn’t realistic.

“Dad, Clay lives here now. You can’t expect me to avoid him altogether. It takes you all of ten minutes to drive from one side of Davidson to the next,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood.

My dad gave me a look that saw entirely too much. “Look, Maggie May. I won’t tell you to stay away from him. We did that once and it didn’t end very well.” I cringed at assessment.

“I can only hope you’ve learned something from what you went through with that boy. That maybe you’ve figured out what works in your life and what doesn’t.” He watched me closely, and I tried to keep my face neutral.

When I didn’t respond, he sighed again and held out the casserole dish. “Here, run this over to Ruby’s for me. I’ll order the pizza.” He didn’t look at me and I blinked in surprise. Was he serious? He was actually suggesting that I go to Clay’s house?

I slowly took the dish out of his hands and went to grab my purse. My dad was standing at the counter, staring down at the phone book, though I wasn’t sure he was seeing it. I got the sense that he felt he was releasing me into the lion’s den.

Right then I loved him so much. For letting me make my own choices and not trying to control my potential mistakes. And I swore that I wouldn’t let him or Mom down again. That I would do things differently.

How that would pan out, I didn’t know. But my resolve was ironclad.

For the moment.

***

“Maggie! What are you doing here?” Ruby asked, opening the door to me. I tried not to recoil at the sight of the shrunken woman in front of me. Ruby’s shoulders were hunched over, her normally happy face, lined with grief and pain. Her skin held a sallow sheen and her hair was dull and lifeless. She was a shadow of the person she was before and this image of her shocked me to the core.

“Uh…well, my mom made you another one of her casseroles. I thought I’d drop it off.” I held out the foil covered glass dish. Ruby’s smile was a sad caricature and I tried not to grimace.

“She really is such a lovely woman. Tell your mother thank you for me.” She took the dish out of my hands and slightly tugged on my arm. “Do you have a moment for a cup of tea? I would love to spend time with you, sweetheart.”

I looked over my shoulder, looking for Clay’s car. Part of me wanted to see him. Part of me wanted to avoid him. I was in a serious quandary. But Ruby solved my internal debate for me.

Ruby patted my cheek. “He’s not here, love. He won’t be home for a while. So, please come in and spend some time with me.” Damn, she’d seen right through me. I pulled out my cellphone to double check the time. I probably had some time before Dad called out the Calvary. So I followed her into the house.

I hung up my coat and scarf and joined Ruby in the kitchen. I noticed that the tiny bits of Lisa that had been everywhere the last time I was here were slowly disappearing. Peeking into the living room, I noticed that the coffee cup was no longer there, though the slippers remained. In the kitchen, Lisa’s laptop still sat untouched on the table, but the newspaper she had been reading was gone.

Ruby opened up a cabinet and pulled out an ordinary box of Earl Grey tea. I was relieved I wouldn’t have to force down one of her questionable herbal mixtures. We were silent as she put the kettle on and found two mugs and placed them on the counter.

When our tea was steeping, she brought me my cup and set it down in front of me at the kitchen table. She joined me and started dumping sugar and milk into her drink. I wondered how long we would sit there, drinking our tea, without talking. Ruby watched me as I sipped on the hot liquid. She appeared as though she wanted to say something, but was in no rush to do so. It made me a little uncomfortable.

“How’s the shop?” I asked, though I could answer that question myself, having just been there last week. Ruby lifted her shoulders in a tired shrug.

“Fine. Tilly has been running things for me. I’m hoping I’ll feel up to going in next week.” Her voice was soft and she ran her finger around the rim of her cup. “Thank you for helping Clay with the deliveries last week. He mentioned you had come by and unloaded some things. I really appreciate it, Maggie.”

“I didn’t do much, honestly,” I said offhandedly. Ruby put her mug down and covered my hand that lay on the table.

“Thank you all the same.” She let out a soft sigh. “I just haven’t been able to do it. I hate making Clay do so much. I know it’s not fair on him, given how much he’s gone through himself…”her words trailed off and I swallowed thickly.

“I think he’s just happy to help you. He loves you so much, Ruby,” I told her, hating the sound of her guilt heavy in her mouth. This woman was dealing with so much. Ruby’s answering smile was sad.

“I know he does. I know that’s why he’s still here when he should be back in Florida. I should have made him go back. He’s not ready to be here, to deal with all this.” Her voice caught and she covered her mouth with the back of her hand, closing her eyes tightly on the tears that started to drip down her cheeks.

I got up and moved to sit beside her. Wrapping my arm around the smaller woman’s shoulders, I squeezed her tightly. “You know that Clay would never leave you when you needed him,” I said quietly, rubbing her arm soothingly.

Ruby’s body shuddered as she tried to pull herself together. She reached up and held the hand that was wrapped around her arm. “You’re such a good girl, Maggie. Clay and I are so lucky to have you in our lives,” she said sincerely. I tensed a bit.

“I just wish I could do more,” I replied, mostly to myself. Because it was true. I felt like I wasn’t doing near enough.

“Just don’t waste your life on regrets, Maggie. That’s what you can do.” I pulled back slightly, surprised by the vehemence in Ruby’s tone.

“I know Clay hurt you. He’s a difficult boy. But he loves you. As much as you love him. I see the way you look at each other. And it’s a beautiful thing.” Ruby looked at me and her pale green eyes seared into mine with an intensity that made me take pause.

“Whatever your hesitations, don’t let them get in the way of living your life with the person you love. Lisa and I wasted too much time in the beginning worrying about what everyone else thought.” A quiet sob escaped from Ruby and she bit down on her bottom lip.

She stood up, taking our mugs to the sink. She braced herself on the counter, her head bowed. This was a woman who I wasn’t so sure would be able to come back from losing the love of her life. I think the person who said it’s better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all was full of shit. This much pain wasn’t good for anyone, no matter that it came from something as amazing as the love for another person.

As if reading my thoughts, Ruby turned around to face me. “Promise me, Maggie, to follow your heart and not your head. Our heads have a nasty habit of ruining what can make us happiest. And there are times in our lives when you have to put aside what we think is best and go with what you feel is best.” I could barely breathe. Her advice hitting me right where she meant it to; straight into my beating chest.

“Regret is a bitter bedfellow, Maggie,” she whispered.

The sound of a throat being cleared made me squeak in surprise. Clay stood in the doorway, his form filling the small space. His dark hair hung down over his forehead and ears in loose waves. His dark eyes hooded and concerned. His hands were characteristically jammed in his pockets as he looked between Ruby and me.

My heart constricted tightly at the sight of him. I was full of love and pain and yes…regret. And Ruby was right; it was a horrible waste of emotion.

“Maggie just came by to drop off her mother’s casserole,” Ruby said tiredly, walking over to Clay and touched him on the cheek. “Why don’t you two visit for a while, I’m going to go lie down.” Ruby turned to me as she left the kitchen.

“It was nice seeing you, Maggie. I hope to see you again soon.” For the first time I saw something alive flare in her eyes. They seemed to almost twinkle as she looked at me, a million messages being communicated. Her gaze drifted to her nephew and then back to me, an almost contented smile on her face. Then she left, leaving me feel strangely at peace.

Looking at my phone, I knew I should be heading home but I was in no rush to leave the warm kitchen. Clay hadn’t moved from the doorway. He watched me hesitantly and I could tell he was nervous.

“You got anything with chocolate around here? I’m sort of hungry,” I said lightly. And even though I had dinner waiting for me, I felt the need to something to break the tension.

“Yeah, I think we have some cookies or something,” Clay said, finally coming into the room. He went about, rooting through the cabinets until he found a tin of chocolate chip cookies. Opening it up, he took one before handing it to me.

I took my own cookie and put the tin down. “Thanks for bringing the food. Ruby hasn’t been up to cooking and I’m pretty sure I could burn water.” Clay smirked and I felt my lips twitch into a smile.

“No problem. My mom goes through these compulsive cooking phases. Figure this way food isn’t going to waste.” I chewed on the cookie, trying not to be obvious in the way I stared at the boy who seemed ready to crawl out of his skin. Ruby’s words still rang in my ears. Regret. When I looked at Clay that’s definitely what I felt. Mostly for everything we never got to be. For everything I wanted so much to experience with him.

But he still seemed so vulnerable. Fragile even. And I was scared to let myself get close to him again. I didn’t trust him with my heart. He’d broken it once already.

“Well, tell her thank you, from both of us. Ramen noodles were getting old.” Clay wiped crumbs from his fingers and hooked his thumbs into his belt loops. I could tell he was winding down this non-existent conversation in order to retreat. Even as his eyes clung to mine in a way that said he didn’t want to be anywhere else.

He was clearly as conflicted as I felt. “I should get upstairs and start on my homework.” Clay bobbed his head toward the hallway and I nodded.

“Sure thing,” I replied and watched him turn around and leave. His broad back tense as he disappeared up the stairs. I reached up to touch the butterfly necklace. It lay hidden beneath my shirt and I was pretty sure that Clay hadn’t noticed it. But since putting it back on, it hadn’t left my neck.

That unconscious reluctance to part with it spoke volumes.

My fingers traced the delicate curves and I remembered the look on Clay’s face when he had given it to me.

You make me feel free.

Tears pricked my eyes and then before I knew what I was doing, I was heading up the stairs two at a time.

I hurried down to the end of the hallway, pausing only briefly before pushing open Clay’s door. It bounced off the wall with a loud thud. Clay was sat on his bed and he looked up in shock. I was breathing heavily, my face flushed.

“Maggie, is everything…” Clay began but stopped as I crossed the room and sank to the floor at his feet. I went up on my knees and grabbed his face between my hands. His gorgeous brown eyes widened and his lips parted in surprise.

“I don’t want to wake up ten years from now regretting that I let this slip through my fingers. I don’t want to waste another moment without you in my life,” I let out in a rush. Clay’s hands came up and covered mine, his fingers slipping between the ones that held him. His eyes closed briefly and when he opened them they were wet with barely contained emotion.

“God, Maggie. How can you say that after everything I put you through?” his voice cracked and my heart nearly split in two. I gripped his face tightly and pulled him toward me. Our noses brushed against one another and we looked at each other as if for the first time.

“It’s because of everything we’ve been though that I can say it. I love you, Clayton Reed. God, I love you so damn much.” My strangled words came out in a whisper as I waited for him to hear me. To either accept or reject what I was giving him. I was taking the hugest risk handing him my heart and soul like this. Especially when they were still bruised from the last time he held them. I had agonized about not trusting him. About my fears of being ripped apart all over again.

But that didn’t change the gut wrenching response I had whenever I saw him. The way my heart beat just for him. I wasn’t sure I could live my life having turned my back on the person who made me feel truly alive. And I was sick of being a coward. My love for this beautifully broken, yet slowly healing boy, made me strong.

Clay took a deep breath and slowly, achingly so, rubbed his nose along the side of my cheek. I closed my eyes as his lips gently touched the corner of my mouth and then made their way along my jaw. He was breathing deeply, inhaling me in.

My hands, still cradling his face, began to tremble with the intense anticipation. Clay uncurled his fingers from around mine and moved them into my hair; digging them into the thick waves and holding tight.

“You are everything good in my life. Even when I thought all I had was the darkness, you were there. And you gave me something to live for. I couldn’t let you go. No matter how hard I tried. I know now that’s because to lose you would be losing the very best part of myself.” I opened my eyes to see Clay staring back at me, tears sliding down his face. He leaned in and his lips a whisper as they closed in.

“I love you, Maggie. More than you could ever possibly understand.” Clay tightened his grip in my hair and slammed his mouth over mine. I rose up on my knees and pressed my chest into his. His tongue plunged passed my lips. Not a gentle probing. This was a passionate invasion and my body quivered with desire.

I let go of Clay’s face so I could wrap my arms around him, holding him as tightly as he held me. Our mouths slanted over each other time and time again, our breathing heavy and erratic. My heart beat wildly behind my ribcage.

When Clay’s mouth moved away from mine to start a tortuous path of light kisses and loving nips along the side of my neck, I let out a deep and guttural groan. I should have been mortified with the way I responded to him. But we were way passed embarrassment.

Clay’s hands left my hair and clutched at the back of my shirt, pulling it up to find bare skin. And then we were touching and tasting. There was not one ounce of hesitation or reticence in our actions. This was the culmination of months of desperate longing.

When we finally came up for air, our lips bruised and swollen, we could only stare at each other. Clay ran his hand along the side of my face. “How could I ever think life without you would be worth living?” he asked, seemingly mystified.

I grinned, brimming with the delicious high of Clay’s kisses. “Stop trying to find out.” I kissed him lightly on the mouth again. I couldn’t tear myself away. Now that I had allowed myself to climb over the wall, there was no way I was turning back now.

Because right then, in the heat of the moment, it was so easy to forget the mountain of issues that had nearly destroyed us the last time. But when we finally separated and Clay pulled me into his arms and back onto his bed, I knew I couldn’t go into this blind again. My eyes needed to be open and aware. We had come too far, lost too much and I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.

Clay’s fingers made lazy trails through the thick heaviness of my hair and the quiet comfort was just as intoxicating as our moment of passion. “We have a lot to talk about, Maggie. A lot that needs to be said. We can’t pick up where we left off; because that was a place I never want to be again.” Clay’s words were hard and bitter but I understood where he was coming from.

I propped up on my elbow and looked down at him. “I know. We have to do it right this time,” I said, tracing the line of his eyebrows with my fingertip. Clay grabbed my hand and placed a kiss into the open palm.

“We will. We have to. Because the alternative isn’t one I can live with. Not anymore.” I started to kiss him again when my phone buzzed in my pocket. We groaned simultaneously and then gave each other silly smiles.

I had received a new text message. It was from my dad, asking where I was. I didn’t have much time before he came over here, guns blazing. Particularly when I was engaging in the very behavior he didn’t want for me. “Shit.” I jumped up and straightened my clothes and ran my fingers though my hair.

“I’ve got to get home. Dad ordered pizza,” I explained lamely as Clay sat up. He grabbed me by the back of the knees and tugged me forward until I stood between his legs. He looked up at me and the grin on his face made being late for dinner so completely worth it.

“Can I call you? Later?” he asked me and I giggled at his adorable insecurity.

I bent over and captured his mouth with mine again, pulling back before we could deepen it, knowing my dad was waiting less than patiently for me to get home. “You damn well better,” I warned him, poking him lightly in the chest.

Clay ran his hands up the back of my thighs, sending a jolt straight between my legs. “Well, then, I’ll call you this evening.” His voice sounded husky as his hands inched higher up my legs. I stopped their slow ascent just shy of my butt and pulled them away.

“I have to go,” I groaned, putting distance between us. Clay wearing a satisfied smile followed me out into the hallway. I noticed Ruby’s door was closed. “Tell her I said goodbye, okay,” I told Clay.

“Of course,” he said, twining his hand with mine as we walked down the stairs and out to my dad’s minivan.

“Nice wheels,” he joked and I elbowed him playfully in the ribs. I opened the driver side door but turned around to kiss him lightly on the lips one last time. I was an addict and Clay was my crack. Crappy analogy, I know, but it was the truth.

The thought of losing him again was a very real and legitimate fear. Clay was right, we needed to talk. My distrust and insecurity still reigned supreme and if we were going to have a future, these issues needed to be addressed.

But for this moment, I could simply enjoy being with him again. Of being granted something I had wished for but never hoped to have. It made me a believer in second chances.

Clay’s eyes darkened and he ran his thumb along my bottom lip. “Thanks for coming by, Maggie. And thank you for…well…you.” He smiled and dropped his eyes almost bashfully. I chuckled.

“You don’t have to thank me for something that was always yours,” I told him. Yuck, I was such a sap. His eyes came immediately back to mine and I forgot about my saccharine induced mortification. We didn’t kiss again, but Clay’s hand cupped my cheek and I grasped his arm. My phone buzzed in my pocket again.

My dad, the cock blocker. He would probably love that title.

“Gotta go before Dad blows a gasket,” I said, climbing behind the wheel. Clay closed the door, slowly backing away from the van. I felt his eyes on me until I knew he could no longer see me. And there was nothing in this world, not even the threat of my parents’ disapproval, that could wipe the hard earned smile from my face.