My heart beat even faster. I was sure Jake could hear the thumping from where he was sitting. Could he actually be trying to make amends with me? The hope within me attempted to break free, believing he might still love me as my tears continued down Jake’s hand.
“Anyhow, I initially didn’t answer your texts because I was angry with you. Childish, I know, but I couldn’t get myself to return your messages. Eventually, I calmed down enough to give you a few days to sort out your feelings and make you want to come back to me and me only. I knew I loved you, but this time I doubted your love for me.”
This statement angered me again. “Why would I try to communicate with you every day if I didn’t want to be with you? I told you in every text I loved you.”
“I believed you cared. But you never affirmed to me that I was the only one you wanted. I guess I was looking for affirmation. When I didn’t get this, I figured you had chosen Max over me, and I let you go—though only for about half a second—thinking this was the best for you.” He actually had the nerve to chuckle.
“Jake!” Frustration colored my face. “Did you read any of my texts? Every day I told you how much I missed you and that I loved you. Did you think it was all a lie?”
“I know. It was stupid of me. I couldn’t trust you. I thought maybe you were letting me down easily. Every day I looked forward to your text, but a part of me feared you would eventually tell me you had chosen Max.” He frowned at this thought. “When you sent me your last text, I realized I was completely wrong about your feelings. That’s when I panicked. I saw these texts from your point of view for the first time. Maybe you still loved me, but my lack of response would make you believe I didn’t love you anymore. I couldn’t assuage the sick feeling in my stomach. Since I couldn’t get a hold of you, my only solution was to see Jane in New York. I hoped she could give me some answers.”
Fear entered my heart at this point. If Jake still loved me, could I try again? Desperately wanting to love him again, but scared to be hurt, I listened for more reassurance.
“I came looking for you at your house as soon I received your last text. I wanted to tell you what was in my heart, but you didn’t answer the door. Little did I know that I would see you in less than twenty-four hours.”
“OK, so you finally saw my point of view, but you still didn’t say anything to me in New York to resolve our situation,” I freed my face from his hand scared to be held by him—to be hurt by him. “If you still loved me, why did you send me away again? You could’ve stopped me.”
“When I saw you in Jane’s apartment, I was dumbfounded. You were the person I most wanted to see, but the last one I expected to see. At first, I said nothing out of shock. Then Nick started talking, Jane started yelling, and the next thing I knew, you were gone. Even before I reached you at the cab, Jane’s words about Arizona haunted me. In my mind, I could picture you standing at the Skywalk waiting for me to return. I was angry with myself but took it out on you instead. Please forgive me. All those hurtful words—I meant none of them.”
“Jake…I’m too scared to do this again. My heart is beyond repair. Did you have so little faith in me that you would believe one night with Max would lead to something improper? Did you really think so lowly of me? If that wasn’t bad enough, you left me without giving me a chance to explain myself. How can I trust you again? All these months, I hurt believing you didn’t care anymore—that you coldly cut me off.”
The once confident Dr. Jake Reid crumbled with my accusation. My heart broke watching guilt torment him.
“Emily, you must believe me when I tell you I love you! I never stopped loving you. I don’t believe I can ever not love you. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry I abandoned you. I will never do it again. I absolutely cannot live without you. When I read your letter at the hospital, my world collapsed. It was like falling into some dark abyss. I couldn’t function for weeks. I took a sick leave and searched for you everywhere. Only when I received your first letter from Japan, did I think that there might be a chance we could meet again. That maybe we would love again. That’s when I decided to get my act together, and go back to the hospital and wait for you to return to me.”
My head nodded silently. I wasn’t sure which statement I was agreeing with—probably all of them.
“I will work to earn your trust again. Just please don’t tell me we’re over.”
At this point, I didn’t know what to think or feel. The room spun, as I knew I needed to make a choice.
Love and trust Jake again.
Or, let him go, and regret this decision the rest of my life.
The decision had been made the moment Jake walked into the room. Only I was too afraid to speak it.