He had no comeback. My impetuous tone startled Jake. He looked defeated. I was unhappy to see his sad face. I didn’t know what possessed me to talk to him in such a manner.
Our second course—Hassun, which sets the seasonal theme of the meal—arrived, and I continued eating. Jake paid no attention to his food. “How could you come into town last week and visit my parents, but not me? How could you cut off all communication with me? Didn’t you think I would want to see you…that I might worry about you? Didn’t you want to see me?”
Of course I wanted to see you. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t think about you. “How could you accuse me of cutting off all communication when you’re the one who walked out on me after asking me to marry you? You’re also the one who didn’t communicate with me for weeks. I begged you to talk to me.”
He was speechless again. His first and second courses sat. I moved on to eating my third course, Mukozuke—a dish of seasonal sushi.
“Emily. Why didn’t you send a return address to any of the letters you wrote? Maybe if you did, I could’ve resolved our issues sooner.”
I hesitated giving him an answer. I hesitated not because I didn’t have an answer, but because I didn’t want to show him how vulnerable I felt. Biding my time, I looked around the table at Jake’s uneaten food. Chopsticks lay still, our servers discontinued service, and even the water fountain seemed motionless. The only sound I could hear was my rapid heartbeat, and my heart hollering at me to grab him before he left me again. As his eyes continued to beg for an answer, I eventually gave into his plea. I had no defense to his offense. My weakness was his strength.
After a long sigh I confessed, “I didn’t send a return address, because when I didn’t get a response from you, I would know it’s because you couldn’t respond to me, and not because you didn’t want to respond to me.”
My head dropped immediately, sensing the deluge of emotions rushing to my eyes. Tears fell heavier than the water fountain that decorated the lovely garden right outside our room.
Jake appeared encouraged by my meltdown. He leaned over to embrace me again. My body rebuffed his attempts, though a bit more hesitantly this time.
“Emi, can I explain myself now? I’d like to tell you my side of the story.”
“Jake, if you came all the way over here to apologize, don’t bother. I don’t want to hear it. You walked out on me a few days after you said that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, and didn’t explain yourself for months. How could you not know I would wait for you at the Skywalk? What happened to your promise of not letting me be alone? I have been so alone the last five months without you. I thought you loved me, that you really, truly loved me. Where were you all those days I begged you to talk to me? Why are you here now after all these months?”
At this point, I couldn’t contain the sobbing. I could see Jake lifting his arm up and bringing it down several times, wondering whether or not to comfort me. His two failed attempts at embracing me earlier must have deterred his courage. In the end, he kept his hands to himself. Once composed, I finished the words that had burned in my heart for so long. “You can’t begin to understand how much you hurt me. I’ve just begun to piece myself back together again. I don’t want my heart broken anymore. You don’t owe me any explanation. I have no claim on you. Please just leave.”
Defeated, my chest throbbed, feeling beaten and bruised. I wanted to run away and hide in my corner again. My body sat quietly trying to calm my heart that blazed like a fire burning out of control. I knew Jake needed to say his piece. Though I dared not look into his face, pain emanated with his every breath.
Jake cautiously lifted his hand again, and brushed my fallen hair. His fingers traced the side of my temple to my cheekbone then down to my jaw. He held up my face and let his palm rest on my cheek. Very much, I wanted to see what was written in his eyes. My head was up, but my tear-filled eyes stayed down.
“First of all, I’m sorry,” he confessed. “I’m sorry I walked away from you that morning, and I can never forgive myself for leaving you stranded. I can’t believe I’ve hurt you so much. You don’t know how sorry I am that I left you alone. It was not my intention not to see or talk to you for this long. I came by your house many times trying to reconcile, but couldn’t find you. This situation got out of hand.” Jake’s face actually looked as tormented as my heart felt.
“That morning when you told me about Max, you broke my heart. I have this bad habit of shutting myself down when things go badly. I know it’s wrong and I know I’ve done this to you many times before. I’ll work on that. I promise I will. I won’t shut down on you or leave you anymore, I promise you.”