Every Little Piece

The next two days passed in a blur. People entered the room and talked at me. They left and their words slowly slipped away, only random thoughts repeating in my mind, until there was nothing. Dad and Mom rarely left my side. The nurse refused to leave until I ate the cafeteria food. I swallowed it down but tasted nothing but cardboard.

Noah visited and gave me a sad smile, like he understood. He was the only one who didn’t throw stupid false promises at me. That was because he knew my life had changed. Forever. No rewind. No do-over.

Flowers and cards flooded into the room constantly. Stuffed animals. The smell was overpowering and all the cheeriness made me feel sick. Finally, after learning her name was Doris, I told the nurse how I felt. I asked her to take them all away. Throw them in the dumpster. She suggested the stuffed animals go to the kids in the cancer wing. I nodded yes, immediately feeling selfish and worse. I lived while kids in this hospital were dying. They’d give anything to know they’d leave and continue breathing. When all I wanted was to shrivel up and die.

After observation for two nights, they allowed me to go home. But I didn’t want to because then I’d have to face my life. But I went through the motions. I slipped into the jeans and a T-shirt Mom brought for me. I tried for her sake because she was worried. I hugged Doris goodbye. On the way out, they suggested grief counseling. My parents signed me up for at least a month.

Then we were in the car and the familiar sights of our town rushed past. For two days I’d focused on Brin and Kama. But deep down what caused the ache to turn to a throb was the fact that Seth never came to visit. Not once. And I had no idea why. He wasn’t like that. We fought but he was always there for me and would never just not show up.

The next couple of days were surreal. I’d missed graduation so a part of me felt like I got sucked into a wormhole. Like graduation would be next weekend. Mom kept a close eye on me, asking what I needed, bringing me snacks, making all my favorite foods, but she was exhausted. She entered one morning with breakfast in bed. French toast with powdered sugar.

“Mom,” I said.

She set up the tray in my bed and kept talking about the weather. The sunshine. The warmth. The budding flowers.

“Mom!” I said louder.

She stopped and sat on the edge of the bed. Dark circles shadowed her eyes and her hair frizzed out around her face.

“It’s okay. You can stop the special treatment.”

Tears brimmed her eyes, and she stumbled over words before getting a full sentence out. “We want to make sure you’re okay.” She knew better than to ask how I was doing every five minutes. “Your friends from school have called. A girl named Justine wants to stop by.”

“Seth?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”

“Why? Where is he?” But then I caught myself. I couldn’t feel sorry for myself just because Seth hadn’t stopped by once. My friends were dead. “Never mind. I don’t care.”

Mom paused and from experience I knew she wanted to talk about something.

“What?” I asked.

She rubbed the top of my hand. “The funeral and memorial service are tomorrow.”

The question behind her words hung in the air. Horror rushed up and stole my breath. “I can’t go. I can’t go. I can’t go.” Panic rose, threatening to suck me under.

She set the tray aside and pulled me to her. “Shh. It’s okay. You don’t have to. I just wanted to let you know.”

All of a sudden the same four walls of my bedroom were a prison. The corkboard plastered with my memories on the opposite wall dug into my soul. I grabbed the mirror on the nightstand and threw it at the wall. Shattered glass hit the floor. This summer was supposed to be filled with more memories. More ticket stubs and photos at the beach. More laughter and more smiles.

Mom hugged me again, to try and stop my shaking.

“I need to get out,” I said.

“Sure thing. I can set you up on the back deck.”

“No, I mean I need to be alone. I’ll take my bike.”

She tilted her head as if analyzing me to make sure I wasn’t about to do something stupid.

“I’ll be okay. I can’t sit inside forever.” I glanced over at the corkboard. “And while I’m gone can you take down everything. I can’t take it anymore.”

She nodded sadly. “Want Noah or your dad to go with you?”

I reached out and slipped my hand into hers. “Maybe Noah could drive me over to Raker’s Bluff?” I squeezed her hand. “I’ll be okay. I can’t live inside the house forever.”

What I didn’t tell her was that I had decisions to make. I needed to talk to them, to Brin and Kama. I needed to talk to them alone, where the waves, sky, and clouds would be the only witnesses. And maybe, wherever they were, they’d forgive me. If I was lucky.





The minivan was past repair. Mom and Dad sold it to the junkyard for scraps and bought a used one. Brand new with smooth metal just where it should be with no lingering scars.

I lied to everyone, especially myself. That was what my life was becoming. A lie. A cloud had descended and covered my sins and hidden my face and blinded my eyes. Only there, would I find silence. Protected from the flashes of memories, the laughter, her smile, her eyes that haunted me. Protected from that night. The driving, the crash, the wails and the night my life ended. If I lived in the haze of the cloud, I’d forget. Everything would fade.

That was why I’d been doing chores around the house. Anything to keep busy. I spread mulch and pulled early weeds in Mom’s garden. I didn’t like to be around people. I carried a secret so big that if people neared me, they sensed it. They either moved away or they drew close and nosed around with questions as if they cared and wanted to help. But I didn’t want help. This pain I carried, this secret that burdened me, was mine to bear.

Graduation slipped by but none of that mattered. I couldn’t go, not after the night before. Playing soccer at college turned into a thing of the past. I refused to play, and I didn’t miss it. Not when I was still alive and breathing. I had a blessing I didn’t deserve.

I dug my fingers down below the mulch into the moist soil. It was in work that I forgot. It was here that I found comfort. The earth knew. The flowers died every spring just to grow again the next year. They were silent and didn’t share their secrets. I never told Carter, but he put the pieces together in the past few days and an awkwardness—a big, gaping black hole—separated us. He didn’t know what to say to fill the gap, and I had nothing to say to ease his discomfort.

Carly had stopped by. She tried to make me see that it was an accident, that it wasn’t my fault, that it wasn’t Haley’s fault. It was fate. I called bullshit on her, because I knew a tiny part of her felt responsible too, even though I’d made it impossible for her to stop me that night. I told her to leave this town, leave it behind and go start fresh somewhere. To forget. To move on.

I once had seen that in my future with Haley. But all I saw now was white space, endless and drifting. There was no mountain to climb or goal to conquer and cross off my list. I floated through time and it let me wander. That was when I got back to work. But with every weed I pulled, the what-if questions screamed through my head, and I desperately wished to go back and change the events that happened. Not for me. Not for selfish reasons. But for Kama and Brin and their families. And for Haley, so she didn’t have to live with this loss.

I kept working, trying to go numb.

I was lost in these kinds of thoughts as I had been lately. I was in that place when I heard the crunch of gravel in the driveway. I sucked in a breath, praying it wasn’t Haley.

I glanced back to see her brother, Noah. I wiped the dirt off my hands and got off my knees. He drew close to me, the grief rolling off in suffocating waves. I’d known him for years. The regret that he couldn’t protect his sister from pain must be killing him. And it was my fault. He must hate me.

“Why?” he asked.

I felt a sudden pang of fear that he knew. That it was my fault two classmates were dead and that Haley was doomed to live a life filled with grief and survivor’s guilt. But then I was such a chicken shit. I should’ve gone to the police right away. But as each day passed it was easier to live with this burden of guilt for that was punishment. To walk through life but not really live and not feel the joys of life was harder than sitting in a cell. Or I truly was a coward and couldn’t face the pain I’d see in Haley’s eyes when she learned the truth. I couldn’t bear to see her love turn to hate.

I finally answered Noah. “Why what?” My voice was like a croak, my throat dry from lack of talking and living.

“Why have you left her when she needs you the most?” he asked.

I studied him. He stared at my handiwork, without seeing. I saw glimpses of Haley in his eyes and expressions of pain, but he was able to keep his emotions more carefully guarded than her. I wanted to answer but words escaped me. Anything I said wouldn’t make sense. But I tried.

“She needs her family right now. I don’t want to be in the way.” It was a lame answer and each word out of my mouth screamed I was a hypocrite.

He turned, the rage palpable in his eyes and in the hard lines of his jaw and tense shoulders. The muscles rippled in his arm, and I thought he’d punch me. I’d welcome it. Instead, his words floated like a whisper on a breeze.

“She needs you.”

I shrugged and stated the truth. “I can’t be there for her. I’m not the one she needs, and I can’t bring back her friends.”

Finally, he pushed my shoulder. “Don’t you get it? She’s not only grieving them, but you! She’s loved you for years. She planned on spending her life with.”

His next shove was harder, and I fell back on the gravel walkway. Sharp stones pierced the skin on my hand. Inside, my heart cracked. I couldn’t say the words that beat with every breath. I knew she needed me. Dammit. But she needed the me from last week before this all happened. Before the accident. But that Seth, that boyfriend was gone, vaporized in one careless night. With her, I couldn’t lie. She’d know. And she’d keep asking and asking and asking until I was forced to tell the truth, or we’d slowly drift apart. Either way she’d be hurt worse than right now. Better to make a clean break than draw it out.

Disappointment shone in Noah’s eyes. Like he was here on her behalf to find the truth, so he could make sense of his sister’s grief. But he wouldn’t find answers with me. I wasn’t her magical cure. I never would be. I was poison.

His face turned grim, set in stone, a mask replacing the hurt and the hope. His words spit out. “I don’t know what the hell your problem is but you can’t just leave it like this. You have to talk to her.”

He reacted to my stubborn stance, because in three seconds he closed the gap between us and yanked me to my feet. I waited for the blow, hoping for it. Any pain would be a distraction and just punishment.

“I just dropped her off at the bluff. I’m going to let her have some space and then bring her some hot chocolate. In about thirty minutes, you will call my cell and ask for Haley to stop by. I don’t care if you have to lie out your ass but if you can’t be there for her, you need to break it off with her.”

I nodded. I didn’t want to see her, but I would.

“You have to decide. You can’t leave her hanging like this.”

“I understand.”

He loosened his grip and stepped away, his face twisted in confusion. “I thought you loved her.”

“Life happens.” I left him no argument.

“Thirty minutes, Seth.”

I saluted and got back to work even though he wanted answers.





My legs dangled over the edge of Raker’s bluff. The dull gray cloudless sky reflected the way I felt inside. A slight breeze chilled me, so I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. How had everything gone so wrong? I couldn’t even begin to figure that out.

My mouth was dry, and I wished I’d brought water. I needed to talk to Brin and Kama but their names stuck in my throat. I would never get an answer. And that tore at my insides. I dropped my forehead to my knees and stayed that way, rocking back and forth. The words and emotions bumbled about in my chest but all I could see was Kama’s curly hair creating a halo around her face. Brin’s knowing smile. I knew everything about her, and she knew everything about me. It was so rare to have that kind of friend and I wasn’t sure I’d ever find it again. How could I be so selfish?

I lifted my head and gazed across the expanse of the ocean. “I’m sorry.” I croaked. Those were the only words I managed. Time passed and my butt numbed from sitting on the ground. I shivered. Without the sun, time never began, never ended.

Wheels crunched on the gravel. I glanced back. Noah. Out of everyone, I was glad to see him, because he understood.

He laid a blanket over my shoulder, and this simple act flooded my eyes with tears. Then he handed me a thermos of hot chocolate.

“From Mom,” he said.

He climbed over the guardrail and sat next to me, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. I dropped my head against him and closed my eyes. He stayed quiet. No words of comfort or distraction. I’d never been so appreciative of my brother.

Finally he spoke, his words soft, like a soothing gel on a gash. “You don’t have to say goodbye yet. Take your time and say it when you’re ready. Don’t force it.”

I thought about the last few years. He attended a community college, stuck at home with his parents and younger sister. I didn’t remember doing anything to support him. I sipped the hot cocoa. The liquid left a burning trail through my chest. I wanted to stay sheltered here forever.

“Does it ever go away?” I asked. “The pain. The memories.”

“Haley,” his voice cracked, “I wish I had an answer for you. I promise to be there for you as long as it takes. I’ll be your friend.”

It was my turn to be honest. Thoughts had been running through my head since I left the hospital. I hadn’t talked to my parents or the grief counselor because they’d try and talk me out of it. Or assign me to another year of counseling. I’d heard enough of the stages of grief. I needed time away.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I don’t want it to go away.” His eyebrows rose and that was the only indication he’d heard me. “I don’t want to forget the pain. I want to feel it every day of my life.” I pounded my chest and the words ripped from my throat. “They have no bright future because of me. I stole that from them. And if the pain goes away, then I might forget. And that can never happen.”

“That’s dangerous ground, Haley.” He squeezed me closer. “I’m only going to say it once. Deep down, you know, they wouldn’t want that for you. They’d want to be remembered, but they wouldn’t want you to feel the guilt for the rest of your life. You need to live for them.”

His words bounced off me. This ageless wisdom couldn’t sink through the wall I’d put around my heart. I needed the constant reminder, the guilt. I clung to it desperately. That I drove carelessly and put them in danger and ended their life within seconds. I needed that with me, every day, every breath. Every heartbeat. But I didn’t share that. I kept it tucked away inside. My secret, buried deep.

His phone buzzed. He tucked the blanket around me and walked away with a finger in his ear to hear above the wind. He returned a few minutes later, his face grim. I panicked.

“It was Seth.” He lowered his voice. “He wants me to drop you off at his house.”

“No.” The word spit out of my mouth. Then I gazed back out at the ocean, rocking.

“Haley.” He paused, probably hoping I’d make the right decision before he had to lecture me.

I cut him a break. After all, he’d brought me hot cocoa. “Fine.” I’d go talk to him only because I knew I needed to.

Noah drove me back to our town, but I hated being stuck inside this small car with all the doors still attached. I closed my eyes and gripped the armrest, trying to fight down the panic and the rush of memories.

He patted my knee. “We’ll be there soon. Hold on.”

But I was stuck. My heart beat a thousand miles every second. I was going to see Seth and I had no idea what to expect or what he wanted. All I knew was I missed him. In the span of a few days I went from worrying about his life, to not seeing him at all, to wondering what to do with the stranglehold on my emotions.

Noah pulled into the driveway. Their small cape brought back so many memories. I’d been there so many times. For pizza night and a movie. For Sunday family dinners. Just to hang out after school. His parents had accepted me as part of their family. This was different. I felt like I was about to enter for the first time. Nervous at what they were thinking about me. Any respect they had for me probably died that night.

I gripped Noah’s arm. “I can’t do this.” The judgmental look in their eyes, the pity. In fact, I couldn’t bear to face anyone again.

He pried my hand off his arm. “Yes, you can. You can do this.”

I studied him. His brown hair was the same exact color of mine. His eyes were the same greenish brown and I’d heard from multiple people that our social mannerisms were similar. If he were a few years younger we could be twins.

“Do you want me to wait for you?”

I glanced at the house. “No thanks. I’m hoping this will take longer than a few seconds. Seth can always bring me home.”

“Okay. Call me if you need to.” He practically pushed me out the door. “Go. No regrets.”

“No regrets,” I muttered and shut the door.

He pulled away, and I stood watching his taillights until they disappeared around the corner. I took some deep breaths and debated if I should run away or go knock on the door. But then the door opened, and I lost my chance.

I froze. Seth leaned against the doorframe, his hands shoved in his pockets. His face paled and he looked thinner. The happy-go-lucky glow was gone. I sucked in a quick breath. What had he been thinking these past few days? What did he think about me?

He stepped down, but my feet felt like they were stuck in mud.

He shuffled down the drive. I wanted to rush into his arms and sink into him but his hands were still in his pocket and he made no move to comfort or hold me. As with everything else in my life, our relationship had changed. I could feel it with every beat of my heart.

He pulled his hand out and his keys jangled. “Wanna go for a ride?”

“Not really. Unless you’re driving me home.”

Understanding crossed his face. “Sorry. That was pretty insensitive of me. Want to go for a walk?”

“Sure.”

We started down the road, a thick, invisible wall separating us. He didn’t invite me in, and I couldn’t help but think it was because he couldn’t stand to be around me. This wasn’t about sex anymore. It might’ve been. But now he probably could only see me as the girl who killed her friends. I deserved his contempt and judgment.

“So,” he said.

I thought about what my brother said. No regrets. “Why didn’t you visit me in the hospital?”

He slowed and kicked at the stones on the sidewalk. “I wanted to,” he hesitated, “but you weren’t allowed visitors.”

There was more to it. Hiding in the shadows of his dark expression and in between his words, he was hurting. But I couldn’t be there for him. I couldn’t support him or hold his hand. I wanted to tell him how scared I was, how I was so glad he was alive, that I didn’t lose him too. But the words stay pushed down and strangled.

“Oh,” I said. It hurt that he didn’t try a little bit harder. “How was graduation?”

“I didn’t go,” he said.

His accusations came back to me from that night. He thought I couldn’t take anything seriously, that I joked too much. Behind his accusations, he wondered if I was serious enough for a future with him. Last week, I was. I worried he didn’t want one with me. That night in Justine’s backyard I realized how much we hadn’t communicated. We took our relationship for granted. I saw that now. Too little, too late. I didn’t even think about Carly. Maybe he was off making out with her while I was trapped under a pile of twisted metal. I didn’t want to ask, and he didn’t offer.

“Do you need a ride tomorrow?” His words were stilted like he was offering because he had to not because he wanted to.

“Nope.”

He stayed silent. Not that I needed to explain because I didn’t. But he wasn’t the first one to say nothing. No one convinced me to go to the memorial service, because they knew how insulting it would be for me to show up. How would Brin’s mom feel about me? What about Kama’s parents? I’d refused to return their calls. I couldn’t bear to see the judgment in their eyes, the blame all directed at me. I couldn’t do that to them on a day that was for them to grieve and say goodbye. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I didn’t think I ever would be.

The sudden need to be at home with my parents, on my faded living room couch surged through me. Being with Seth hurt. I didn’t think I could hurt any more, that nothing could squeeze past the numbness. But to stand next to the boy I’d loved for years and not touch him, and sense him pulling away, tore my heart into tiny pieces.

“Can you take me home?” I asked, breathless.

“Sure.”

And just like that we headed back to my house. I leaned against his mom’s minivan while he ran in to tell his parents. How many times had we left his house and gone for a drive to spend time alone? Too many to count. I remembered when he got his license and the first time he picked me up for a date. Our parents made a big deal about it even though we were only going to the movies. He brought a pink carnation, probably picked up from the grocery store. I didn’t care. I hung it upside down and let it dry. It used to be pinned to my board. Hopefully Mom had taken care of that.

In this moment everything became clear. I couldn’t live here. I couldn’t go to college. I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking about Kama’s dreams for Broadway that would never be realized. I thought about Brin’s mom and how this could push her over the edge. I’d caused so much pain.

We drove back in silence. I noticed the new-car smell and inhaled, glad for the lack of memories. “New van?”

“Uh-huh.” He gripped the wheel and stared at the road. He had more to say, but he held back, and I didn’t blame him. He probably couldn’t wait to drop me off and cut me loose. In fact, I’d do it for him. We pulled into the driveway and sat there for a couple minutes. Normally we’d have been making out.

“I think we should take a break. I need time,” I said. I needed forever.

He studied me, and I soaked him in. I took in his black hair and dark blue eyes. The face that I’d kissed so many times. The shoulder I’d leaned on over and over. I wasn’t sure how I’d move forward without him.

“Okay.” His voice sounded husky, but he cleared his throat. “If that’s what you need.”

I was aghast. He didn’t even try to fight for me. Tears rushed and each breath got tangled up with confusion inside. I fumbled with the door.

He touched me for the first time, and my tears flowed faster. “Haley?”

“Sorry, Seth.” I slammed the door and raced up the walkway to my house, and I didn’t look back once. I couldn’t. If I did, it’d be all over. I rushed past my parents and sprinted up the stairs to my room and closed the door. I threw myself onto my bed and pulled the pillow over my head, drowning out everything.

“Haley?” Mom knocked on the door.

“Go away! I just want to be alone.”

“Okay. We’re here for you.” And she left.

I stayed on my bed well into the afternoon and eventually fell asleep.





I dropped off Haley and barely made it back to the house. Saying goodbye to her was harder than I thought. I almost told her everything. The one thing holding me back was that my words and my story wouldn’t bring her healing. They’d hurt worse than she could ever imagine. She broke up with me because I abandoned her when she needed me most.

I got it.

I walked inside to find Dad at home. I guessed he felt like popping in for a visit. We’d barely talked since that night. But Mom and Dad were in the living room again, and I sensed it was to talk to me. Whatever they were hoping for, whatever their plans were to coerce me back to the land of the living wouldn’t work.

As I predicted, minutes later, I was sitting across from them. Unlike the last time, I wasn’t nervous. Their words had no power over me anymore.

“We’re concerned for you, son.” Dad had the gall to place his hand on Mom’s shoulder as if to show they were a team.

“I’ll be okay.” I searched for the rage that burned me up that night but it was broken into pieces and lost between the layers of guilt, fear, and hurt. Sometimes bigger truths overpowered ones that I used to feel. Truth could always be worse.

Mom spoke, her voice wavering. “We’re so sorry about everything.” She glanced up at my dad then back at me. “But we’re concerned that pulling away from everyone, even Haley, isn’t the answer. You need her right now, and I’m sure she needs you.”

I scoffed. If only they knew. “Come on, out of everyone, you two have to understand that some mistakes you can’t fix. Not like a minivan.” I’d told my parents that while we were in the pizza place, a driver had backed into the van and then driven off. They’d had no choice but to believe me even though my lies were obvious.

Mom blushed and Dad pulled his hand away. “We’re going to be working on that. I meant it when I said this wasn’t permanent. But sometimes for people to come to grips with their mistakes, they need time apart. Time to heal and forgive before they can find their way again.”

More than one sarcastic reply lay at the ready. I said, “What if there are some mistakes that time won’t heal?” My voice cracked. “That can’t be forgiven.”

Mom smiled, her eyes reflecting the pain and guilt I felt because she felt them too. “No mistake is too big to be forgiven when you love someone.”

I didn’t believe her. They might think that and hope their relationship could be mended but it wouldn’t be the same. The scars would remain. Some mistakes were too big. They swallowed a person and spit him out in pieces. I’d come to a decision and they wouldn’t like it. But today was obviously the day for break ups and pulling away.

“I’m not going to college next fall.”

“Seth?” Dad was stern, his shoulders tensed and his fingers gripped the chair. I prepared for a lecture.

“You can force me to go but I’ll be wasting money. My heart isn’t in it anymore, and I’ll spin my wheels and probably flunk out. Like you said, I need time.”

Mom gave Dad a warning look that said to roll with it or they’d lose me forever. “You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want.”

“I won’t stay here. In fact, I plan on leaving this week. You two can take the time you need without me in the way.”

“You’ll never be in the way,” they said together.

Tense silence filled the room, and Dad broke it first. “Where will you go?”

I pondered this. I hadn’t fully thought out the plan. “I’ll figure it out and let you know.” I stood. “Is that all?”

They paused, worry etching their faces, their lips pressed together. They wanted to say more but they could see it in my face and hear it in my voice. I’d made my decision. Finally, they nodded.

Up in my room, I sank down on my bed. The tears that came so easily had dried up. A steely resignation had taken their place. I’d move on, find a different life, and spend every day making up for my sins.

I pulled out my duffel bag and started packing.





I woke later feeling groggy, and my head pounded behind my eyes. I felt like I slept a week but my clock read 7:00 p.m. I wished to sink back into my pillow, but I grabbed a sweatshirt, Seth’s, and pulled it up over my nose. I breathed deep and smelled him. Eventually, day by day, the sweatshirt would lose his scent. I pushed it away and grabbed one of mine.

The corkboard was still up on my wall and plastered with all my memories. They stared back with their bright, happy colors. The faded pieces of paper laughed at me, their curling edges already hiding the memories. The ticket stubs, the photos, the written messages on scraps of paper all blurred together.

I left the room.

I didn’t go back for the rest of the night. My room was more like a museum. I understood Mom thought I was making a rash decision, but I wasn’t. It was hard to stay in the room with the echo of voices of everything I’d lost. I ate a quick dinner with my family and we watched a movie. I could be normal. Do normal stuff. When I saw their frown lines smooth out a bit and their secret smiles when they thought I wasn’t looking, I felt a sliver of happiness. Giving washed away some of the bad stuff rotting, festering on the insides.

Halfway through the movie, someone knocked at the door. I had no idea who was here or why. I swallowed down a lump as I realized this was something Brin did on a regular basis. My parents got used to it. When her mom was gone or being a mean drunk, she’d crash here. But no more.

I heard it again.

Dad threw off the blanket covering him and mom. “Are you home or not?”

He was so sure it was for me. I nodded. “Home.” Why the hell not?

He opened the door and their voices stayed muffled until he opened it further. Justine stuck her head into the hallway and her body followed. She glanced around, taking in our humble abode, and then found me. She sucked in a breath. God, I must’ve looked like crap for her to respond like that.

“Hi, Haley.” She gave a small wave and moved to the brink of our living room. “Um, can we talk?”

Mom patted my leg. “Go ahead, hon. We can finish this up tomorrow.” Mom was just happy for me to have social interaction. A strange creeper could come to the door and ask to take me out, and Mom would push me out the door.

I followed Justine outside, and we sat on the steps. Cars passed by at the slower speed limit, knowing this was a neighborhood with small children. They were being careful, responsible drivers. The words from Driver’s Ed came back to me. When it’s raining, drive at least five miles below the speed limit. Patches of water cause hydroplaning. Or it went something like that. I’d go back in and add to it, “so no one tries to speed through the rain to find their boyfriend who is driving drunk.”

Justine stayed quiet. I was happy to not say anything. She’d talk when ready. Her foot tapped on the cement step and her finger stuck in her hair, twirling it around her finger. She was nervous but I couldn’t imagine why. Finally, she cleared her throat and clasped her hands. I braced myself.

“My parents wanted me to attend Harvard, Dartmouth, Yale, one of those big schools. My dad wants me to follow in his shoes and enter the family business.” She paused and her knuckles were turning white. “But what I’ve never told him is that I don’t want to. And lately he finally had to admit that my grades or my GPA wouldn’t cut it. No matter how many strings he could pull with those schools, I’m just not smart enough.”

She puffed her cheeks, then let out a whoosh of air. For the first time in a long time, I was distracted. It was nice to listen to someone else’s problems instead of them waiting to hear about mine with that sad smile that said they understood. When really, they were just thankful it hadn’t happened to them.

“What my dad doesn’t like to admit is that I have an uncle who lives a couple towns over. He’s the complete rebel of the family, and he loves what he does. No regrets. He runs a seaside inn and diner. While I figure out what I want to do, my dad is letting me live and work for my uncle, starting next week.”

“Wow, that’s great,” I said. And meant it.

Not what I expected but sounded like a plan. Her words, no regrets, stuck with me. Second time I’d heard them. First from Noah, and now from her. But I still wasn’t sure why she came all this way at this time of night to clue me in on her plans for the fall. Sure, it was a surprise. Justine was a dead ringer for Ivy League. Or maybe I’d misjudged her and assumed too much based on their mansion of a house.

Justine played with her fingernails. Nervous again. I waited, curious.

“I was thinking.” She gave me a sideways glance. “Considering everything that’s happened, I thought you might feel a little lost, that you might want, I mean—”

“Spit it out, Justine.” I smiled to reassure her I wasn’t going to beat her up or anything.

She shifted her body on the step and for the first time I noticed the gentleness in her hazel eyes and the smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. “Would you like to do it with me?”

“Huh?” I was confused.

“I talked to my uncle and there’s a second opening. You’d have room and board, subtracted from your pay, of course.” She smiled shyly. “I figured it might be good to, you know, to get away. But it’s not too far away so if you wanted to come home…”

I hadn’t even thought about college, but I needed to. My plans had been all about Seth and I. The idea of college faded and slipped into the fog. I didn’t want to waste my parents’ money, and I refused to live out dreams. Without them. Without Kama and Brin.

“Definitely. I’ll do it.”

“What about your parents? Don’t you want to talk to them?” she asked.

“I will, but this is my decision.” I’d go in and talk to them right away. They’d understand and support me. I needed to get away from this place and this was perfect. Escape. Be on my own.

We said goodbye, and I promised to call her the next day. But in my mind it was already settled.

Though my parents were a bit skeptical about the plan, they said yes. Their eyes and body language revealed their fears that I might not make it through this disaster my life had become. They wanted me to go to college, but more than that, they wanted me happy. So they said for now, for this coming fall, and the next year, this might be good for me.

I stood in front of my corkboard. The memories screamed of my time with Brin and Kama. I found a box in the attic and piece-by-piece, I took down my life with them and placed it in the box. I started slowly and carefully, not wanting to rip a play program or bend a photo. But I had a lot up here and it needled the edges of my heart. I moved faster, trying not to see the memories. The last quarter of the board, I tore down and threw into the box. I wasn’t looking, not remembering. The last photo fluttered to the floor, and I slammed the tops of the box down and duct taped it closed. Maybe I’d be able to deal with them when I was an old lady.

I placed the box in the back of my closet and closed the door and then flopped onto my bed. A week until I’d leave this part of my life. Justine was moving in and waitressing for her uncle in a couple days.

I’d start clean in a place where no one would know me or know what happened. And I wouldn’t tell a soul. A fresh start. It could happen. Right?





Real life calls to me every day, a siren blasting.

The laughter of a couple in love and hanging all over each other. The old couple shuffling in, the joys and heartaches of life etched on their faces with every line and wrinkle. The fisherman who orders his morning cup of joe before heading out for a day at sea, a joy shining in his eyes from doing something he loves.

But I’m safe. I get lost in the clinking of plates, the shouts of orders, and the smells of breakfast. I’m a waitress and it’s all I’ve known for the past year.

The Seaside Inn booms with business. Must be the start of the summer crowd. Justine and I haven’t had a chance to take a break since we opened the doors this morning. The sun streams through the front windows and even though the air outside is still crisp and cool, summer’s coming. Inside, the smell of bacon floats from the kitchen.

I carry two empty plates to the counter, balanced on one arm. Justine loads up her arms with plates of scrambled eggs and bacon, and pancakes while carrying three mugs of coffee. I tried that juggling act once and when I broke mugs and sent a flood of coffee across the floor, Justine’s Uncle Tom said it was okay to carry less.

The dirty plates clatter into the tub, even though I try to set them down gently. “When’s your uncle going to hire the summer help?”

Justine’s hair frizzes out, and the pencil behind her ear suffers from what looks like a poodle attack. I’ve told her that customers don’t care to see her teeth marks as she takes their order, but she consistently brings in higher tips than me.

“Soon! I hope.” She heads to her table but stops and sticks out her hip. “Hey, Hales? Will you tuck an extra salt in my pocket?”

I grab an extra salt and do as she asks. Customers frown into their empty coffee mugs. “I’ll make the next coffee round.”

“Great, thanks.” A question flickers across her face. “You got the invite last week, right?”

My heart stutters, but I nod and then hurry away with the coffeepots, one caffeinated and one decaf. I didn’t answer but I’m not sure she expected me to. Of course I got my mail last week. She knows that. Her Uncle Tom has dropped it by our doors every day since we moved in last summer. But she’s talking about one certain piece of mail that we both received. It’s a plain white envelope, my name written with a black ink pen, the corner a bit crunched from when I almost tore it in two. Instead, I placed it in the very farthest back corner of my nightstand drawer, and that’s where it will stay.

A regular motions to me from the corner table. He has a wave of salt and pepper hair that flops across his forehead. He always has a smile and a nice tip, so I imagine that he hasn’t received any mail that threatens to bring down the nice, safe wall he’s built around his heart.

I hurry over with the coffee and hit all the tables. I’m distracted this morning and can feel my tips slipping away every time customers catch me frowning. I plaster on a smile and force myself to be more chipper. The morning hours pass and by the time the short hand creeps toward the twelve, I’m ready to crash.

The door opens and a draft of cooler air rushes through as another flood of customers enter. I sigh, grab some menus and greet them with a smile.

Then I see him. My hearts hammers and I force air in and out of my chest. Time stops, like we said our goodbyes just a few days ago when really it’s been almost a year. He looks the same but different. Shadows haunt his face and the bright part of his blue eyes that used to light up my heart seem faded, like they need a good polish.

He steps closer. My heart hurts and a lump forms in my throat. Emotions I’ve locked away push at the edges.

“Hi, Hales.”

Two simple words and I almost come undone. I seem to have lost my ability to speak and move as I stand there taking him in. His black hair hangs a little over his ears and his eyes draw me in just like before. But there are little changes too. His face is pale. Tattoos swirl around the top of his arm. Truth invades and real life comes crashing in. My knees shake, and I sway a bit.

“Are you okay?” He holds out a hand to steady me.

I jerk away like I touched a live socket. I can’t go back. The memories are too strong. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, the past is stronger, and mistakes make love impossible.

A girl with blonde hair flounces in with a bright sparkle to her eyes. She hooks her arm through Seth’s and gives me a suspicious look. “Who’s this?” she asks.

“An old friend,” Seth says without taking his eyes off me. I see forever in his eyes and it squeezes my chest.

I tear my gaze away from him and study her. Adoration simmers off of her. She loves him or is close to it. Jealousy floods my heart. The happy times they probably spent together in the past year, the smiles, the touches, the laughter. The kisses, gentle and sweet, that used to be mine. I want to grab a butter knife and cut the smile off her face.

I close my eyes and swallow. I have no claim over Seth. Of course he’s moved on. Over the past year I’ve thought about him off and on but never saw him with another girl. Someone to replace me. Tears prick my eyes and that pisses me off. I gesture to the seating area.

“Find a seat.” But my voice comes out hoarse and the pressure chokes me. I need fresh air. I can’t breathe, and I need to be alone.

By this time, Justine notices and rushes over. She grabs my arm. “Go take a break out back. I’ll cover this.”

Then she hugs Seth and shakes hands with his girlfriend. She takes over as if I was never there. I stumble through the kitchen and out into the back with the dumpster. I sag against the brick wall and force breaths in and out. The vent hisses nearby with steam from the laundry. I slump down and fold my head into the crook of my arms. The numbness washes over me. The same lack of feeling I’ve had for the past year. I’m not sure how long I’ve sat there until the gravel crunches.

I whip my head up. A ping of disappointment that Seth didn’t find me is soon replaced with a flood of relief. “Hi, there.”

Tate, my boyfriend, my normal, stands a few feet away. I see my confidence in his strong arms, and my sanity in his rock-solid smile that he saves just for me, and my safety in the memories of us lurking in his brown eyes. He walks over and sits next to me. I lean into his hug and let him hold me. He doesn’t ask any questions. He knows my past because he went to high school with Noah, but we never talk about it. He knows it’s off limits. We had one fight, and he knows now that I’ll cut him from my life like a cancer if he pushes me to talk. But he always knows when I need someone. He’s always there. Like now. It’s uncanny. He kisses the top of my head and rubs my arms without saying anything.

Tate and I are more like dating friends. I rarely initiate a heartfelt kiss, never mind going any further. But it’s not enough. Not now.

I need to forget, and I push his arm away. I straddle on top of him, my skirt pushing up around my waist. If anyone turned the corner or if Tom came back to empty the trash, I’ll look like some sort of slut. But I don’t care. I kiss him and run my fingers through his light brown hair. His arms go to my side and the small of my back. This is nice. Kissing Tate is nice. It’s not like kissing Seth, which caused all sorts of feelings to go haywire inside me. Dammit. I don’t want to think about him while kissing another boy. I focus on Tate. The scar above his left eye, the soft feel of his hair, and how he’s been the one bright spot in my life this past year. I stayed afloat because of him and owe him so much.

His breath hitches. “Haley,” he whispers. “You know I’d do anything for you, but is this really what you want?”

My smile feels like a crack in plaster. I knew this would happen. He always ends our kisses, keeping our relationship almost platonic. I don’t question it. He’s being sensitive to me, but I’m not in the mood to deal with his stuffiness. I drop small kisses along his neck and his breathing quickens. “Do you really care where we are?”

He groans, and I laugh. This time it’s real. Tate’s good for me. I pull his hand down to my butt and push against him, eliciting another groan of pleasure.

“Haley,” he says, voice raspy.

The door slams. I jump off Tate and smooth my skirt down.

It’s Seth. He nods to Tate in recognition.

But his eyes. One second they flash pain then glaze over like he doesn’t care. He folds his arms across his chest, and I can’t help but admire the lean strength of his chest and body. I ache for him, and emotions stir in my heart that has been numb for so long. He looks more like a man than the high school boy I remember, and I don’t like the increase of my pulse. He notices me and stares not with judgment but with question. Heat burns my face, and I feel like a hooker on some sort of street corner. I can’t help my knee jerk reaction.

“What the hell? Are you that hard up you have to spy on a girl kissing her boyfriend?” I cringe at the bitterness that creeps into my tone and words. I didn’t realize those feelings were there, laying dormant under the nice, numb surface I’ve created.

Tate raises an eyebrow, but I glare at him. He stays out of it.

Seth puts his hands up, palms out. “Sorry. I was hunting down more coffee. I didn’t realize this was a full service restaurant.”

I gasp. His underlying insult feels like a slap. Tate jumps to his feet and stands next to me, ready to protect me. He’s a little shorter than Seth but has more muscle. I put a hand on his arm letting him know I’ve got this. I bite my tongue, refusing to play Seth’s game. Instead, I stare him down, drawing upon my ability to freeze out emotion and feel nothing. I’ve had a year to become an expert.

He reacts and steps back. His fury is evident by the way he whirls around, goes back the way he came and lets the back door of the restaurant slam behind him.

A resounding ache flashes through my chest.

Tate reaches for my hand and squeezes. “Haley.” His voice is soft but determined.

I pull my hand away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

He runs his hand through his hair, then lets his arm drop. This is a motion I’ve grown accustomed to in the past six months. Frustration with my unwillingness to delve into certain topics.

“You can’t run forever. You can’t run from him forever.”

I change my tactic and walk my fingers up his arm. I lower my voice. “Why not?”

He grabs my hand and pulls it off of him. His eyes close, and he takes a breath. “I’m sorry, Haley. I can’t be this for you. Not right now. Not unless you’re ready to deal with things.”

I know what he means by things, and I can’t believe he’s saying this. “What? Just because my past struts back into town? That’s not my fault. I don’t want him here. I want you.”

The truth in his eyes chases away my confidence. The one problem with dating someone who knows your past: I can lie to him all I want, but I’m not sure he’s ever believed me when it came to Seth. I tell him and myself that it was a high school fling and one I don’t care about anymore.

He draws me into a hug. “I care about you too much. I don’t know how much more I can handle this. You can’t live in this void forever.”

My voice sounds muffled against his chest. “You’re breaking up with me?”

He sighs. “Technically, no. But, I won’t be here forever. You need to decide.” He kisses my cheek. “Take a few days and then we’ll talk.”

I panic.

He squeezes my hand and taps the phone in his back pocket. “I’m here for you. For now. Just call.” Then he leaves.

I storm back into the restaurant. I lost my boyfriend because Seth caught us kissing? Give me a break.