Every Little Piece

The grass tickles my ankles. A soft breeze whispers across the back of my neck and plays with my hair, like the gentle touch of a lover. That kind of touch is foreign to me and I shiver.

I am broken. The last living piece inside me, the part that still yearns to live, splinters. Truth has a way of invading your life when you’re least expecting it to and shatters you. Your life can be a messy scrapbook full of photos, memorabilia, and snippets of memories, and then in one swoop it can be erased.

Everything changes with just one small tilt of the mirror called life. It’s perspective. Anyone can look at what happened and see their own story, their part in it. My part in it.

The deep ache starts in my stomach and pushes upward. My anguish from the past year wells up and breaks. I fall forward and wrap my arm around Brin’s gravestone. I didn’t think I had any tears or feelings left. But Seth’s news breaks me. It tears into my soul and rips me apart.

So much hurt. So much pain. I sob until every little piece of emotion is squeezed from my heart. And then all I have is the sickening smell of carnations left by their graves early this morning. I pull them toward me and inhale. The soft petals brush my cheek and dry my tears.

The invitation is still clutched in my hand. I tear it open like a child, ripping the envelope into pieces. Just what I thought. The pretty invitation. Curly type. Their names in big letters. Everything drawing me to them. But in the corner is a scribbled note.

Hope to see you there. We’d love for you to say a little something. If we don’t hear from you, we’ll take it as a yes. If you’re not ready, that’s fine too.

The whole time it was here. Right on the invitation. I could’ve been prepared. I could’ve said no. Strength rises up within me. It’s time. I wasn’t ready even one hour ago. But a lot can change in one hour. Seth told me the truth. He owned up. Now it’s my turn. Everything I’ve wanted to say to them in the past year. The goodbyes, the sorries. They bubble up from within me. I push up and get on my knees.

“Kama. Brin.”

It’s the first time I’ve said their names out loud. I reach out and hold their hands. The smell of Brin’s strawberry shampoo and Kama’s hair gel wash over me. Their skin is soft. Oh my God. It hurts. I miss them so much. My best friends. Two of the only friends who really knew me. I hold tight and don’t let go.

“Brin and Kama, I’m so sorry. I let you down that night.” My voice breaks again, which I didn’t think was possible. “It was me. Or partly me. I cared so much about Seth that I put us all in danger. I panicked. We should’ve called the police or his parents, and stayed at Justine’s. I never should’ve fought with him. It wasn’t worth it and it cost us everything.”

My rage toward Seth fades. I want to hold onto it and blame him but I can’t. I was just as much a part of this. Every single one us played a part in that night. There are too many what ifs that could change what happened. If I played that game or the blame game the list would be endless.

None of it can change what happened. All I can do is change today and maybe tomorrow. I squeeze their hands and see their eyes wavering in front of me. A smile breaks across my face, stretching muscles that feel foreign.

“Thank you. For being my friends. For laughing. For loving me. For always being there. I’m sorry…I’m so sorry. Kama that you’ll never do great things on stage. You would’ve been a star. Brin and I would’ve been there opening night. We would’ve brought you the biggest bouquet of flowers ever made and bragged all over town about you.”

I pause and take several deep breaths. “And Brin. My best friend since we were kids. Thank you for putting up with all my middle school hormones and sticking with me. I’ll never forget getting into my mom’s make-up and heading into town. We looked like prostitutes. Remember my mom’s face when we got back?”

Then the darker moments enter my mind. We had our fair share. “I’ll never forget the night you broke, when your mom’s drinking got worse. Life wasn’t fair to you that way. You would’ve gone on to great things. You would’ve healed and maybe have found a great guy. I would’ve made sure of it. I promise.” My voice drops to a whisper and I can barely get the words out.

“So thank you. For everything. I’ll love you forever.”

For one brief moment, a strange feeling steals over me. My tears dry and somewhere deep inside I feel a heartbeat. A slow thump, and then another. Peace. For the first time I feel a seed of hope and peace. It still needs a lot of water and sunshine to poke through the tangled weeds that choke my heart and have been growing thick all year. But maybe someday.

I kiss their graves and let go of their hands. I roll over onto my back and stare up at the wispy clouds floating across the sky. The branches of an oak tree offer a little shade and move up and down in the breeze.

I can’t help but think of Seth. Someone I love who’s still breathing, still living. A friend. One who made mistakes. A lot of them. But I’m not in a place to point fingers. He’s leaving me behind. I told him to go. He said he was going to make things right. How?

He was driving that night. He was alone.

He was drinking. He was in an accident.

He didn’t tell a soul. Then he moved away.

I think about Kama’s mom. The words she said to me just an hour or so ago needle me. I nodded, barely registering what she said. I strain to remember. She was so glad to have this mystery wrapped up? But…but if that was the case, why or how could Seth make things right? If the car accident wasn’t my fault, then whose was it? If it was Seth’s and the mystery solved, he’d be in jail.

My heart rate shoots out of my chest. In two seconds I’m on my feet and sprinting. Ten feet away I stop and run back. I hugged each grave once more and kissed the top. “Love you.”

Then I take off, back toward the church. My feet fly. The wind is my friend and helps me along from behind. With each step my body throbs and pain shoots through my side but I push through it. The white building of the church appears and soon I’m taking the steps two at a time. The church doors fly open. The dust floats in the sunlight streaming in behind me.

Everyone stares.





“Where you gonna go?” Katie asks.

She sits on the edge of my bed. Her hands are under her legs and she’s rocking back and forth.

“Not sure.”

“You going back to my dad’s?”

I shrug. I could be going away for a long time.

“What about the boys at the club. Weren’t you thinking of volunteering there?” she asks.

“I can’t help these kids until I’m better. Mandy was right. I can’t use them to solve my problems.”

She grabs my duffel and holds it out of my reach. “And running away does?”

I grab it back and scowl. “I can’t stay here, okay? If you want, I’ll drive you back to your dad’s, but I can’t promise I’ll stay. You’re more than welcome to stay here. I know my parents and Justine will look out for you.”

“What about Haley?” she prods.

Katie’s not stupid. I haven’t told her anything but she’s seen what a wreck I’ve been the past year.

I shove the last of my socks in and zip the bag closed. Every part of me doesn’t want to leave Haley behind. She’ll eventually forgive and forget. But will I? I don’t know. Her sweet smile is imprinted on my heart and her very being intertwines with mine and has since I first fell for her years ago.

“You still love her, don’t you?”

I don’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt Katie. She’s been a good friend. I sigh. I can’t leave her like this. I sit on the bed. “Thanks for everything. For being my friend. I can’t stay around here.”

She lowers her head.

I lean over and kiss her cheek. “You’ve been the one bright spot in my life this past year. I don’t know if I could’ve made it through without you. You helped me forget. But I can’t keep living a lie. I have to own up to everything.”

“What happened?” she asks.

“I made a mistake and now I have to own up. I don’t know what will happen.”

“Does this have to do with Haley and the service today?”

I nod yes. “It has a lot to do with me too.” I close my eyes and stave off the feelings of loss at leaving Haley again. Except this time it’s for the right reasons. This time I can leave without my tail tucked between my legs.

“I’ll miss you,” she says. “Promise you’ll text?”

“Promise.” I pull her into a hug. What I don’t tell her is that where I’m going I probably won’t be allowed to text.

I pull away and head downtown. Katie will be okay. I talked to Justine and know that someone will be looking out for her. I’d rather her never learn the truth because I’d hate to see the adoration and respect shattered in her expression. But soon it will be all over the news and everyone will know. I find an odd peace in that. After carrying around this secret for the past year, I’ll be glad to trade it in for a cell.

The police station is up on my right and now that I’m here my palms stick to the steering wheel and a knot forms in my stomach. Before I chicken out, I park and walk inside. A uniform sits behind the desk reading through paperwork. Her face is lined with boredom. I stand in front of her. I clear my throat.

“Can I help you?”

I nod and swallow, trying to find my voice so I don’t sound like a frog. “I’d like to confess to a crime.”





A classmate is at the podium talking. Words burn inside my chest. An endless speech everyone needs to hear. Like remember them, love them, but you have to keep living the best you can. For them. Live and love for them. Honor them. But don’t die because they did. Noah stands, but I hold up my hand. I rush, almost tripping down the aisle and drop in front of Kama’s mom.

She reaches for my hand and squeezes. “What is it?”

I’m a mess. My eyes are so swollen, and they pound and throb. My hair must be a matted mess but I don’t care. I can’t speak right away. I’m too out of breath.

“Take your time, dear. I’m not going anywhere.”

I look at her, into Kama’s blue eyes. “What did you mean earlier? What did you mean that the mystery has been wrapped up?”

She tilts her head and gives me a weak smile. “We never held you responsible. Not for rain, not for hydroplaning. But the side-on collision didn’t make complete sense to us. Not an impact that would cause instant death. We hired an investigator.”

I lower my head, but she places her hand on my chin and lifts it back up. “Not to investigate you. But to find the truth.”

The truth? Was there such a thing as real truth? Isn’t my truth different from hers, different from Seth’s, different from Carly’s, different from Justine’s? How could truth be pulled from this wreck? Who could find the missing thread that with one little tug would unravel it all? It couldn’t be that simple.

“The truck that hit you must’ve been going extremely fast. Too fast for the average driver. Long story short, a man who had previous charges of drunk driving and driving to endanger, hit you that night. He’d been drinking. Sobered up and in rehab, he owned up to hitting a car that night. He was sentenced last month. Life in prison.” She smiled but it was a sad smile. “Justice prevailed.” She patted my hand. “It doesn’t bring them back or change what happened but hopefully another tragedy has been prevented.”

I am reeling. This simple truth unravels me. It moves my heart and pumps life into my soul. “This whole year I thought it was me,” I say, my voice strained. I admit my truth for the past year, the one that has haunted me and pulled me into the black nothingness I called living.

Kama’s mom pulls me into another hug and whispers into my ear. “It wasn’t your fault. You were just the one who survived. For whatever reason, you lived. So live your life, Haley. Live it for them. Live it fully. Go find love and do what you do with all your heart. Never take this life for granted. It’s what they would want.”

Tears fall from my eyes and splash onto her clothes. I pull away and wipe my eyes, laughing. “I’m so sorry. Your shirt.”

“I don’t give a damn about my shirt.” She wipes away a stray tear. “I want to make sure you understand that truth. Do you?”

I nod. Then Seth’s words tug at me. He’s leaving. He’s making things right. What does that mean? I give Kama’s mom and dad another hug and Brin’s mom too. “I have to go.”

I rush out of the church, leaving the wide eyes and the whispers behind.

My parents stop me right outside the door.

“Haley?” Dad asks. “Are you okay? We can bring you back to the hospital.”

I look between my parents, the two people who might love me most in the world, and my tears are endless. I hug them and they hug me back. “Please. I need to do something, and then I’ll return to the hospital.”

They hold me at arm’s length. “Are you sure?”

I nod and then the urgency rises up, demanding that I go before it’s too late. “I’m sorry. I have to go!” Then I run.

In the parking lot, I jump in Noah’s car. The keys are under the seat like always. Hopefully, he won’t mind. I send Seth a quick text telling him I need to see him, then I don’t even think but start the engine and drive out onto the road. My arms shake and I drive slow.

My heart thumps, scared for Seth. And what he might do with what he thought was his truth.

I hope I’m not too late.

I drive through streets that were once familiar to me. That I once drove through all the time. The memories are sharp and painful, but I refuse to let them drag me down. Kama’s mom’s words burn in my spirit like a candle against a dark night. They guide me and keep me strong.

I pull into Seth’s family home and turn the key. The engine stills. All my memories of Seth and me at his house roll toward me. I can’t believe so much happened to him that one fatal night, and I knew nothing. Maybe at Justine’s party if I’d only seen past his angry words to the hurt beneath. Maybe…but then I refuse to think like that. It’s a habit I’ve picked up the past year that’s going to be hard to break. Enough stalling. I have to tell him the real truth. Not his false truth that he believes is etched in stone.

I knock at the door and his mom opens it immediately. “Haley!” She hugs me. “It’s so good to see you.”

She studies my face and must know that not all is well. Maybe we can chat another time. “Is Seth here?” My voice sound breathless from nerves or fear I’m not sure.

“No, he’s not.”

“He’s not staying here?” I question.

She shakes her head. “He stopped by once. He didn’t tell me where he’s staying…” Her words trail off, and I see her hurt. Everyone is hurting from that night.

“I’m sorry. I’d stay and talk but I have to find him.”

“Go then. Go. He needs you.”

I rush back to the car, my mind racing. Where would he go? Katie. She might know. I drive back, careful to focus on the road and not speed. The Seaside Inn looms in front of me, my home and safe haven for the past year, and my last hope to find Seth. I’m so thankful for it, even if I used it to hide from the real world.

I slam the door and race through the back door into the kitchen. Tom looks at me with surprise, but I don’t try and explain.

“Is Katie here?”

He motions toward the seating area.

“Thanks.”

She’s taking an order and I sit at the bar, impatient. I curl the edges of the paper placemat at the counter. She smiles and points out her favorites on the menu. She’s a natural at this. Way better than me. Her contagious smile affects everyone close to her. She catches my eye and holds up a finger. She rushes through the rest of the order and then heads my way.

“Haley?” she asks, tentatively, knowledge lurking in her eyes.

“What? You know something. What is it?”

Her face falls and she whispers, “He’s gone. There was something he had to do.” Her words keep gushing out, but that’s all I need to hear.

I stumble away and back through the kitchen. I check my phone but he hasn’t texted back. Part of me knows he won’t. Out in the back parking lot I slump against the wall, broken once more.

He’s gone.





I stand on the edge. The horizon stretches endlessly, like I should have the whole future ahead of me. That anything is possible. It’s funny I ended up here, at Raker’s Bluff, the one place seated in my memories.

Someone once said that wishes come true here. That the wind carries the wishes away to whoever oversees this kind of thing. I’ve never made a wish. I was happy. I didn’t want to use someone else’s wish for my own selfish desires like getting an A on a chem. test or my parents not finding out that I snuck out to a party. Not when there might be someone who desperately needed help.

Like I do today. I have more than one wish. For the first time, my heart beats with the sound of many wishes. I thought about this long and hard on the drive over here, but I still don’t know which one to speak and release into the breeze.

I wish Seth would change his mind and turn around to find me.

I wish that when I wake up tomorrow it would be last year at this time before the party, before everything.

I wish to have my friends back or that I’d died in their place.

I close my eyes and let the breeze tug at my body. I wish peace for Seth. That he would know love and happiness. That somehow from all this he’ll learn the truth and be set free, too.

I try to be noble but as I think these thoughts, a part of me crumples on the inside. My legs shake and I drop to my knees. I’m such a liar. All that bullshit sounds good. The first tear splashes onto the ground. I didn’t think I had any left.

Wishes can go to hell. The deepest part of me that aches and cries out can’t be fixed by a mythical wish. And I know that truth. That one simple truth. That I’m too late.

He’s gone.

A new wish flutters about, a butterfly with wings of hope, rising from the ashes of my life. I’ve been given a gift. One I never expected to receive. Through the revelation that someone has been arrested and thrown in jail for what happened, I have another chance. It won’t be easy, but I’ll try. For Kama. For Brin. For my family. And for me.

Fear presses down this rising hope, refusing to set it free. What if I speak it and it doesn’t come true? I’ll shatter. Into a million pieces. Too many pieces to put back together.

The words come, and I whisper, “I want to live. Really live.”





I sit and watch Haley, wondering what she knows, if she knows the truth. She stands on the edge of the cliff, her arms wrapped around herself. I want more than anything to be the one comforting her, touching her.

My heart aches for the year we lost because I was a coward. She’s been living with guilt. If I’d gone to the police, this past year would’ve been so different. I don’t expect her to forgive me or want me in her life. That’s too much to ask.

But she needs to know the truth.

For some reason I can’t get myself to open the car door. She mesmerizes me, the wind teasing her hair, her shirt clinging to her body. I try and memorize this image so I can remember her this way. She shakes and drops to her knees.

My hand goes to the door. I try and still my beating heart and lift the handle. The door swings open and the cooler ocean breeze rushes in. I’m on my feet. I walk toward her, my footsteps muffled by the patches of grass and the wind. Ten feet away I stop. She’s crying.

“Haley,” I whisper.

She perks up and listens. I try and say her name but my voice won’t work. Slowly, she stands and turns. Her eyes are wide like two bright moons in the night sky. Tracks run down her cheeks and even though she’s rumpled and her eyes are rimmed with red, she takes my breath away.

I love her. I never stopped.

My body reacts and wants to be close to her, wants to feel her pressed up against me. I ache for her. Every little piece of me. All we can do is stare. She licks her lips, and I stare.

“Seth?”

I nod, my body shaking. There’s so much to talk about but words don’t come. We both stand and stare, drinking each other in. A hunger is in her eyes that I haven’t seen for a long time. Loose hair catches on her mouth and she doesn’t move to tuck it behind her ears. Then all of a sudden a sob escapes her and she’s running to me.

It only takes me a couple seconds to react and I’m running toward her. We crash in the middle. She jumps up and wraps her legs around me. Then she’s kissing me. She crushes her lips against mine and kisses me like there’s no tomorrow. She slides down until her feet land on the ground. Her fingers dig into my hair and then she’s holding me against her like she never wants me to leave.

We stagger back, losing our balance, but not wanting to let go of each other. And I can’t pull my mouth away from hers. I didn’t expect this and I’m scared to know why. Is this goodbye? Through the haze of desire I remember why I’m here. For truth. I break our kiss and see the hurt in her eyes.

“I have to talk to you,” I gasp out.





I’m so embarrassed. I attacked the guy without any warning. And now he’s backing off from me. I overstepped. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I just acted. Then I remember the news.

“Oh my God, I have to talk to you.” I’m breathless from our kiss, and all I want to do is kiss him again, but he has to know.

He steps closer and grabs my hand, but I talk first. “You’re not at fault. I know you think you are and you ran and you blamed yourself this whole time but it’s not true, not any of it.”

He tilts his head, a smile tugging at his lips.

My words tumble out. “Someone confessed.”

He grabs the back of my head and pulls me back into a kiss. I try and tell him that it wasn’t him, that they arrested the guy, but my words come out garbled. I push him away.

“It wasn’t you.”

His face breaks out in a smile. “I know.”

“How?”

“I turned myself in at the police station. They told me.” He pulls a fine out of his back pocket. “I just got a fine for hitting a parked police car, even though there’s no real proof it was me. I confessed and they accepted.” He pulls me toward the edge of the bluff. “I stayed to tell you the truth. I didn’t want you feeling guilty.”

Then it’s as if he remembers the entire last year and pulls away from me. Immediately I miss his warmth. It hits me that this is goodbye. He’s still leaving.

“I’m so sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t have attacked you like that.”

“I didn’t mind so much.” Seth smiles and his eyes are on my lips.

We turn and stare out at the ocean. I clasp my hands together to keep them from fiddling. Before he leaves I’m going to tell him everything I wanted to last year. “I’m sorry I spent more time with my friends and not enough time with you. I wasn’t trying to lead you on or play with your head.”

“Haley, it’s okay.”

“No. I need to tell you. I joked so much because I was afraid you didn’t want to be serious. Graduation came and I thought about our future and I was afraid that in the fall you’d lose interest. That we were just some high school romance. I didn’t know how to read you.”

He shakes his head. “With everything going on with my parents, I was afraid. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t think you wanted more. I guess we should’ve talked a lot more than we did. About us. About the future.”

“Yeah.”

An awkward silence engulfs us. I don’t know what he’s thinking. He plays with a tuft of grass, deep in thought.

“It’s okay,” I whisper, “if it’s too late for us.” It breaks my heart into little pieces to say these words but if he needs to start fresh somewhere then I need to let him go.

He looks at me, his eyes soft and gentle. “I’m sorry I ran. I never should’ve left you alone. I thought I was protecting you, but I couldn’t face the truth and be in your life, knowing what I’d done.”

“What you thought you did. You shouldn’t have run, but I made a lot of mistakes too. I shut myself off from everyone. In a way, I ran too.”

“Where do we go from here?” he asks.

Clouds drift across the horizon. “They say this spot grants wishes.”

“What would you wish for, Haley Sparks?”

I press my lips together. I wish for so much. Then it hits me. “I don’t want a wish.” The truth floods through me. “Life is what we make of it. Not just wishing things could be different.”

I grab his hand but he still hesitates.

“What if this is too much for us to get over?” he asks.

I shrug. “We’ll never know if we don’t try. I’m still a wreck and have so many relationships to repair. I need to work through my mistakes and my grief and the people I’ve hurt.”

“I can give you space. I need to do that too.”

“I don’t want to do it alone. We’ve tried that and I was miserable. Why can’t we do it together?”

His eyes tear up, and he places his hand on my cheek. His fingers are soft on my skin and I turn into them. I know what he needs. I choke up but manage to say the words.

“Seth, I forgive you. I forgive you that you weren’t there for me when I needed you. I forgive you that left that party and drove drunk. I forgive you that you ran away. I forgive you completely.”

A tear slides down his cheek. I can’t tear my eyes away from him. The honesty, the fear, the vulnerability is brutal and pulses between us. But stronger than all that is the love.

“Thank you.” His thumb grazes my lips. “I’ll spend every day of my life making it up to you.”

I’m leaning forward, drawn to him. My gaze flickers to his lips. My heart is overwhelmed and for the first time I feel I can move on. That I’ll make it. That we might make it.

Seth leans forward to. His breath hitches. We stop inches away. I can barely breathe. He meets me and our lips touch. This kiss is different. It’s gentle and loving. It feels like a first kiss. My lips tremble.

“It’s not going to be easy,” he says. “All we have to work through.”

“No, it won’t be,” I murmur. “But we’ll make it.”

“Love you, forever,” he whispers between kisses.

“With every little piece of my heart.”