Ever Enough

What the hell was I thinking? I stood out on the patio after kissing Em, after just letting her walk away from me. Well of course I let her walk away from me; it wasn’t like she was mine for me to be putting my hands all over.

Kyler walked out—probably looking for me—and saw the look on my face, paused for a beat trying to read me then asked, “You kissed her didn’t you?”

I just stared straight ahead.

“Jesus Finn, you dumbass! You kissed her didn’t you?” When I didn’t answer him he continued. “She’s f*cking married man! What the hell were you thinking? She and Harper took off pretty quickly. Em looked upset.”

“I wasn’t thinking.” I felt defeated. Normally Kyler didn’t talk to me this way but after what I’d just done a verbal smack down was entirely justifiable.

He sighed and put his hand on my shoulder. “Well, what do you plan on doing?”

“I don’t know Ky. I’m sure she’s already on the first plane back to her husband.” I scrubbed my hand down my face. She was gone and I didn’t think I was ever going to see her again. What a way to burn yet another fantastic farewell into my memory. “I need a drink.”

“Now that I can help you with.” We turned and walked back inside. The reunion was still in full swing and no one appeared to have noticed what had happened between me and Emilyn. Nobody knew that I just made a huge mistake. I should have just talked to Emilyn instead of coming on to her. But I couldn’t help it. My Tiny Girl had been stood right in front of me and I’d wanted nothing more than to keep her safe and take away the hurt I saw in her eyes. But dickhead that I was, I probably ended up causing more.

I’d kept tabs on Em after high school, and had heard from several of my old classmates how hard she’d taken the break up. They said she’d stayed holed up in her house for months, and even when she did resurfaced she looked bad. She’d been thin, had dark circles under her eyes, and just looked plain miserable. I wanted to go to her so many times and tell her that I had made a mistake and beg her to take me back. I’d never told her why I left. I was hoping to tell her tonight. I knew she deserved an explanation. I didn’t know how she would have taken the information—or if it would have even mattered to her—I just knew I needed to tell her why. I knew I hadn’t handled walking away from her as well as I should have.

As I sat sipping my beer, my cell phone buzzed. I took it out and looked at it. It was from Val, wanting to know when I was coming home and if we could get together. I knew her song and dance. Valerie was a high maintenance girl who liked my title more than me. She liked to say that she was dating a songwriter, and rub elbows with the bands I worked with. It was never about me with her. In truth, I was using her as much as she was using me because I only really kept her around to pass the time. I didn’t feel like dealing with her shit right then, so I put my phone back in my pocket. I’d text her tomorrow.

Kyler and I stayed to hang out with Corey, Michael, and some of our other old teammates. I wasn’t the best company, but Ky made up for my lack of conversation. We decided that we’d head home the next day. I didn’t give a shit about this town without Emilyn in it, and I wanted to get back and write. Kyler would be back in town again in a couple of months because his Dad’s health was going downhill and he wanted to buy a place near his parents. I had a feeling he’d be looking up a certain realtor to help him find the right house. Maybe he could get some information about Em out of Harper. Call me a selfish bastard, but I’d do anything to get another chance to talk to her again. I needed to get a hold of Harper to see if she’d give me Em’s number so I could shoot her a text.

“Hey, I’m going to make a quick call, I’ll be right back.” I told the guys.

I stepped out on the patio where I’d just kissed Em. I had my resolve. I need to talk to her. I cheated by looking up Harper’s number online through her realtor website, and I hit talk. It rang three times before she answered. “Harper Graham speaking.”

“Hey Harper, it’s Finn. Please don’t hang up.”

“Boy you have some nerve calling me. What did you do to her?” She was pissed.

“She didn’t tell you?” I was shocked.

“No. She was a mess when we left and was tight lipped. She had me take her to her parents' house so she could pack and fly home Finn! Start talking.”

I told her everything that happened and when I was done, Harper let out a string of curse words out that made even me blush. “What the hell do you want me to do about this!? Don’t you realize the effect you still have on her?” She let out a frustrated sigh. “Listen, I don’t give a rat’s ass that she’s married to West. She’s too stubborn to give up on her marriage. But you pulling this shit is just going to send her in to a tailspin!”

“I just need her number Harper.” I wasn’t opposed to begging but hopefully she wouldn’t make me.

“If I give you her number, what are you going to do?”

“I just need to talk to her. To make sure that she is okay. Please Harper?”

“If she becomes at all like she was the first time you walked out on her, I will find you, tranquilize your ass, and tattoo “gay” on your forehead. Do we understand each other?” She was stone cold serious.

“I’m not trying to hurt her Harper, I promise.”

“Yeah well, you know what they say about the best laid plans…” She gave me Emilyn’s number—and threatened my life again—before we hung up.

I went back inside and told Kyler I needed to get out of there and get some sleep. We said our goodbyes and headed out. I decided to text Em instead of calling. I didn’t want give her the chance to hang up on me. My plan was set and I just wanted to get back to Ky’s parents' house to have some privacy in case I heard from her. Hopefully she’d listen to me.





Sitting on a United flight headed back to Chicago—a full day early—I had nothing but time to think about the events that occurred. What led to that mind-blowing kiss? Had I wanted it to happen? What did it mean? Why did Finn have to tell me that he missed me? I had no clue what I was going to do now. Did I ignore the kiss that rocked my heart and shattered the defenses that I’d taken years to build? I knew that wasn’t possible. As much as I didn’t want it to, what happened had meant something to me. It meant that he did still think about me, but how much? I was physically exhausted and on mental overload. I’d left my parents and Harper in the middle of the night to run home to what? If I stayed, I ran the risk of my heart taking over. And what I really wanted to do was find Finley and demand to know what that kiss had meant to him.

As we reached cruising altitude, exhaustion overtook me and I fell into a deep sleep that I so desperately needed. Drifting off with a mind full of unanswered questions, I took myself back to the time and place that Finley first captured my heart…



“Hey, how’s it going?” I heard from behind me.

I was standing by the bleachers next to the softball field, watching Harper’s practice. She was my ride home and I didn’t mind waiting around because it gave me a chance to finish any homework I’d been assigned that day.

Turning around, I looked into the most gorgeous pair of deep blue eyes I’d ever seen. I knew who Finley Morgan was; who didn’t know who Finley Morgan was? Unsure of how to respond to this stunning boy in front of me, I replied nervously “Good, thank you.”

His smile tipped up a bit, causing butterflies in my stomach. I gave a small smile back and looked down.

“I’ve seen you out here everyday watching the girls. How come you don’t play?”

Ummm because I’m uncoordinated, clumsy, and have huge paddle sized feet that I’d trip over, was what I really wanted to say but decided playing it cool would suit me best. “It’s Harper’s thing. I’m just here for support.” Smiling, I looked back up at him and added, “Plus she’s my ride home.”

By now he was giving me a full blown smile, and I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Why was Finley Morgan talking to ME? He was one of the star football players, he talked to the cheerleaders and the girls in the drama club; in other words… the popular crowd. They were the crowd that Harper and I didn’t associate with much because those girls didn’t give us the time of day. Frankly I was okay with that because I had Harper and a couple other friends and that’s all that I needed. And did Finn seriously just tell me that he’d seen me out here? Since when did a guy like him ever notice someone like me?

“So what is your thing, Tiny Girl?” His eyes were dancing around my face.

OH MY GOD I THINK I JUST PEED MY PANTS! Finley Morgan just called me ‘Tiny Girl’. He actually gave me a nickname. Wait, why had he done that? Did he not know my name? “Tiny Girl?” I asked, feeling brave.

His smile dropped a bit and in that second I was willing to do anything to fix it. “Sure. I mean, if you don’t mind me calling you that? I do know your real name. Emilyn, right?”

I was elated by the news. I had no idea that Finn had even noticed me, let alone knew my name! “Yeah, it’s Emilyn and no I don’t mind, but why ‘Tiny Girl’?”

“Because you are quite the tiny little thing and you seem quiet and shy.”

Okay so he had me pegged pretty quick but I didn’t want him to think that just because I was those things or that I couldn’t take care of myself. Standing up straight I looked him square in the face. “Yeah well, the best things sometimes come in small packages. And being quiet isn’t always a bad thing. It makes me observant.”

Holding his hands up in surrender he chuckled “Okay, you’ve made your point.” Looking down at his feet, now he looked like he was the shy one. “So uh, do you think your friend would mind if I gave you a ride home? I mean, that is if you don’t mind me driving you.”

Was he for real? Who would turn down being in a car with him alone? “No I don’t mind. Let me tell Harper and grab my things.” Pushing away from the bleachers I made my way over to the fence and flagged Harper down.

“Oh my god Harper, Finley Morgan just came over here to talk to me and wants to give me a ride home!” I was practically bouncing up and down but I tried to keep my cool. I didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of Finn. “Are you cool with me leaving?”

She glanced over my shoulder with wide eyes. “You little slut!” She was grinning like a fool. “No I don’t f*cking mind. Get ‘em tiger!” she teased, then added, “But I’m calling you as soon as practice is over and you WILL tell me everything!”

“As if you’d let me get away with anything else!” I hollered as I made my way back towards Finley, who was watching me intently. Was this really happening?

Grabbing my bag, Finn reached out and took it off my shoulder. “I’ve got this”, he said with a smile.

We walked silently to his dark blue mustang. He threw my bag in the back seat and we both climbed in. Starting the ignition, Linkin Park started blasting through the speakers. He looked a little embarrassed and turned it down. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t be. I love Linkin Park.”

Looking at me he smiled and said, “She’s cute AND she’s got good taste in music.” He shook his head and started making his way out of the school parking lot. I sat there stunned. I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right. Finley Morgan couldn’t possibly find me cute. I was just an average girl that tried to blend in.

I gave him directions to my house, and only five minutes later we were pulling into my driveway. Damn, I wished I lived further so I could stay in the car with him longer. We hadn’t talked much other than what kind of music we both liked, and now there wasn’t time for anything else to come up.

Not wanting this to feel awkward, I unbuckled my seatbelt and was about to reach for my bag when Finn leaned over the seat and grabbed it before I could. He must’ve been ready for me to get out so he could go home or wherever else it is he went after school. “Thanks for the ride Finn. I’m sure I’ll see you around school.”

Before I was able to push my door open Finn spoke up. “Hold on my Tiny Girl.” He paused and I turned and looked at his face. He seemed to want to say something else. “So I just get the ‘see you around’ brush off?” What more did he want? He couldn’t possibly want me to hang around so we could talk music some more. Not that I would mind. I didn’t even think he knew I existed, let alone having things in common.

“Well…yeah?” I made it sound like a question since I wasn’t sure where he was going with this. “Don’t you have other things you could be doing besides driving me around?”

“I’m sure there ARE other things I could be doing but I’m with you right now. And if you’re okay with it, I’d like to spend some more time with you.” My heart kicked into overdrive. “I was going to see what you were doing on Friday night. I thought maybe you’d like to come over to my place. I’m having a little get together with some friends and it would be nice if you were there.”

“Ummm…” It wasn’t that I was unsure—okay well maybe a little unsure—but this sort of thing just didn’t happen to me. Finn was part of the popular crowd. I truly didn’t get why he was asking ME to come over. “Well, I’ve never been to any of the parties before and I’m not sure I’d fit in… and if I go, Harper will be with me…” He interrupted me by putting his hand out and placing it on mine. It was so rough, probably from playing football. I felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the car, and I began silently freaking out.

“Relax Tiny, of course Harper is invited too.” He gave me a cocky smile. “Besides, I think Kyler may have a little thing for her.” Harper was going to crap her pants when I tell her! “Just come relax and have a good time. I promise you’ll have fun, and I really want you there.”

Deciding to just go with it, I gave him a definite ‘okay’. We smiled at each other and I got out of the car. Finn didn’t leave my driveway until I walked inside my house and shut the front door.





I woke up when I felt something bump into my arm. As I struggled to get my bearings, I noticed it had been the drinks cart coming through; my arm must have been sticking out into the aisle. I asked the flight attendant for a glass of water and sat there in a daze. It had been a long time since I’d dreamed about Finn. I know seeing him and sharing that kiss had opened the flood gates, and my memories began pouring through my mind. I felt so confused! I should have never let that kiss happen. I think deep down I knew that something would happen if I was left alone with Finn—whether was just a talk or something more—I just didn’t know if I’d actually wanted it to happen.

I sighed. I was a horrible person. I cheated on my husband and confessed to my high school sweetheart that I wasn’t happy with my marriage. I wasn’t sure how I would move past this, and how—or if—I was going to tell Weston what happened. I just knew that getting away from Finley, and leaving that town with all those memories, was the only way to gain some perspective.

Another hour passed while my mind reeled, and before I knew it we were making our approach into Chicago. I decided not to tell West what happened. We were struggling enough as it was, and I didn’t want to add to our problems. I would continue on like nothing happened and that kiss was just a mere accident. Problem solved.

Yeah right.

If I thought that I could forget about that kiss and how it had made me feel, I was extremely delusional!





I must have been in some sort of daze because I couldn’t remember the journey from the airport to my driveway. All I knew was that I felt exhausted. It was still dark and I sat in my car, trying not to fall asleep before I made it into the house. I got out of the car, grabbed my bags and made my way inside. West was probably asleep so I tried to be as quiet as I could. I just wanted a good night’s rest and then I could go about life as if the reunion never happened. My cell had been going off with texts from the moment I turned it on at the airport. Most were from Harper, one was from my parents—probably checking to make sure I made it okay—and two were from a number I didn’t recognize. I wasn’t in the mood to read them. I let out a long sigh and shut off my phone, placing it on the entry way table. Everyone could wait until the morning when I felt better.

As I walked down the hall I heard a noise coming from my bedroom. I stopped and listened, but all I heard was silence. Just as I was about to take a step forward I heard it again. My heart began to beat a little faster. Oh my god, was that a woman? What was a woman doing in my bedroom at two in the morning? I stood motionless, convincing myself I was hearing things in my tired state. No sooner had the thought crossed my mind, a female giggle came from behind the closed door.

I crept towards my bedroom door and listened. That’s when I heard West’s voice; he was speaking to someone. They were words that a husband definitely shouldn’t be saying to a woman who wasn’t his wife. I didn’t want to see what was behind the door but I knew my eyes would confirm what I’d heard. Slowly turning the handle I cracked the door open a little at first, then pushed it the rest of the way. I didn’t know what to make of the scene before me. There in my bed was a very naked West with Julia, our interior designer. She was half lying on the bed, her elbows on the mattress and ass in the air. West was behind her, f*cking her like the bitch that she was. I couldn’t move. This was not something that I could process. Neither one of them had noticed me yet. West’s hand came down hard on Julia’s ass, and she giggled again like some neurotic school girl. The slap startled me. She looked over her shoulder at him, “You like it real dirty, don’t you Weston? I’m not your f*cking wife, so f*ck me like you mean it!” She practically purred at him.

Seeing red I turned on the lights and both stopped mid-motion. “What the f*ck is going on here?” I bit out. Neither of them said a word, but at least West had the decency to move away from Julia, pulling a sheet around his waist as he did. The silence was doing nothing but pissing me off even more. “I said, what the f*ck is going on here… IN MY BED!?” I screamed.

West started to walk towards me but I held my hands up to let him know he better stay where he was. If he so much as touched me, I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t murder him there on the spot. I had no idea what to do, or say. I felt bile come up my throat and I knew I was close to throwing up. I willed it to stay down when West finally spoke.

“Emilyn, what are you doing home?” I was still standing in the doorway with the back of my hand over my mouth. I looked at him when he asked the question but couldn’t answer. Without waiting for me to respond, he continued. “Listen, this was just a one time thing. I called Julia to ask her about possibly redesigning the wine cellar and she told me that she could stop by this evening. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Wasn’t that what all cheating men said? ‘I didn’t mean for it to happen’ what a load of shit! Julia scoffed. I glanced over to see she was still lying in my bed. “West you might as well tell her everything. There’s no need for us to keep it quiet anymore. She’s seen us and we can finally be together.” She looked right at me while she spoke the words that I knew deep down were the truth. Somehow I knew that there was no way this was the first time they’d been together. West had been pulling away from me for quite a while. He’d spent a lot of late nights at his office and every time I would stop by to surprise him with lunch or just to see him, she was always there. I’d asked him about it and he always said she was redesigning another room in the office. I shouldn’t have been so naive. There were only so many rooms this woman could redecorate.

Her cold stare shook me from my silence. “You’ve been sleeping with her for at least two years now, haven’t you?” Shaking my head I turned away from her and looked at him, but he just stared at me. “You son of a bitch, we’ve been married for eight years West. How could you do this to me? To us?”

“Okay you know what? Fine!” he said throwing his hands up in the air. “I’m not happy Emilyn. I haven’t been happy for most of our marriage. I knew I needed a wife so the law firm here in Chicago would take me seriously. I needed them to see me as a family man that was dedicated and you fit the bill.” I stood there listening to him continue on, his words like ice numbing my soul. “You always seemed to just do whatever I wanted and it worked out perfectly for me. But give me a break Emilyn, you live in this multi-million dollar house, you can spend whatever you want, so don’t act like you’re unhappy.”

I watched his face closely. He couldn’t possibly be serious. “You think I’ve been happy? Do you even know me at all Weston? Your money means nothing to me?” My voice rose slightly with every word spoken. My body started to shake. I really felt like I was in some sort of alternate universe. This couldn’t be happening to me. “You’re standing there telling me that the entire eight years I’ve devoted to you, it has all been for show?” I didn’t give him time to answer before I asked the question that I knew would break me. “Did you ever love me West?”

Looking me right in the eye, he stated simply, “I suppose, for a short time. Or at least I thought I did.”

“Bastard.” The word was a whisper; barely audible. My life was crumbling around me and his stupid whore was still lying in my f*cking bed! That was it for me. I turned and started to leave the bedroom. He followed after me as I walked into the living room and grabbed my rolling suitcase.

“Where are you going Emilyn? We need to talk about this.”

I gave a short mocking laugh, “No West, we don’t need to talk about anything. You seem to have made all the decisions in this marriage, and it’s apparent that that was all a big lie.” That’s when it occurred to me. I stopped in my tracks but kept my back to him. I had to ask him this final question, all the while knowing it was the blow that I would never recover from. “What about kids West? You said you wanted kids in the beginning and yet you kept pushing the idea away since we moved here to Chicago. Did you lie about that too?”

I heard him take a deep breath before he answered. “I want kids.” He thought about what he was about to say next. “I just don’t want them with you.” I leaned over and grasped the wall for support. “Emilyn, I think I’ve fallen in love with Julia. You had to have known at some point that this marriage wasn’t going to last. You were just a means to an end. I need a woman that can stand up for herself; someone with a backbone.”

Since I walked into this house and found the two of them, I hadn’t shed a tear. I didn’t know why, I just hadn’t. When the hateful words that came from both West and Julia were flung at me, I still couldn’t cry. But hearing that he had never wanted children with me caused them to prick my eyes. Having a family was something that I had wanted since I was a little girl. We all dream of our future husband, house, and kids. Now the bottom had fallen out of my dreams, and I felt like I had nothing left. I squared my shoulders and stood tall. I wouldn’t show that to West, not now and not ever again! He would never have the satisfaction of seeing another emotion from me. I’d never hated anybody before. I’d strongly disliked some people, but in that moment I truly hated West. Any feelings of love I had for him were gone. It really felt that easy for me.

Taking slow and deliberate steps forward I said, “How’s this for a backbone… you and that bitch can have each other. You are a lying piece of shit that used me only to serve whatever purpose you needed. I won’t allow you to walk all over me West. I’m better than all of this and I’m better than you. I suggest you hire a good divorce attorney, because I have no doubt the judge will see right through you.” I’d never spoken to anyone that way before. I thought it would feel good to stick it to him, but I felt nothing.

Julia came walking through the hall in a skimpy little silk baby doll telling West, “Let her go. She’ll never get anything from us. Come back to bed baby.” She had reached for West’s hand.

Oh I was going to kill her! I started to move forward ready to throw the skinny little bitch to the ground, but she squealed and West pulled her behind him. I stopped my forward motion. I couldn’t do this. It wasn’t who I was, and definitely not who I wanted to be. I needed to leave before it got even uglier.

Turning on my heels I grabbed my suitcase, phone, and purse and made my way out the front door. I could vaguely hear West yelling out the door that I’d never get anything from him—along with other hurtful words about me being worthless—but I couldn’t absorb anything.

Getting in my car I only had one choice of where to go. I called the airport and booked a flight back home to Idaho and called Harper. I was sure an army would have struggled to prevent Harper from flying to Chicago and taking West out, but I think she was able to tell from my tone that I couldn’t handle any more drama and so she let me have that. I gave her my flight information and told her that I would be staying at a hotel until I was ready to fly out so I could get some sleep. She said she’d meet me at the airport and then rung off, but only after I’d promised call her before I left Chicago.

I booked myself in to a hotel right next to the airport and settled in to my room. There was no way I was going to sleep. I threw up as soon as I made it in to my room but managed to drag myself out of the bathroom before collapsing on the bed. Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to make sense of what had just happened. I knew I felt sad about the crumbling of my marriage, but deep down I knew I wasn’t as upset as I should have been. Rather than focusing on West and Julia, my mind kept wandering back to Finn and how I’d left him. I also thought about that baby that I was now thankful I’d never conceived with West. No child should ever come from a broken home. I started to second guess my ability as a potential mother. I questioned how I would ever make someone happy. I couldn’t hold on to Weston, and Finn had left me. Maybe I was destined to be alone. The two men that had held my heart had walked away from me and I wasn’t sure that I could recover from that. I rolled over unsure of how to move forward. I needed my best friend and my family. My heart needed to be around people that loved me unconditionally.

As I started to doze off, I remembered the text messages I’d received at the airport earlier. Grabbing my phone I clicked on them. The first was from a number I didn’t recognize.



Emilyn, pls txt me back and let me know you are okay.



What the heck? Who was this? I clicked on the next one.



Em, its Finn. I just want to know you made it home safely. Pls txt me back.



How did Finn get my number? Of course… Harper would’ve given it to him. I wondered what he’d had to do to get it out of her. I knew he’d probably text me again soon if I didn’t respond, but I didn’t want to talk about what happened. I text him back, hopefully holding him off.



I’m fine. Home safely. Thanks for checking. Tired. Goodnight.



The response was immediate, and I wondered if he’d been waiting on my text.



Wait, can we talk?



Finn, I’m really tired. There’s nothing to talk about. Pls let’s forget what happened.



Fine. You can go to sleep. But this conversation isn’t over Em. We have a lot to talk about. Goodnight sweet dreams. X



As if I didn’t have enough to think about. What did ‘x’ mean? Did he do that at the end of all his texts? And what’s more, Finn wanted to discuss what had happened between us tonight. Or was it last night? It was so early in the morning, I didn’t know. Time had blurred together and I really needed to get some rest. Lying in the hotel bed for over an hour, the early morning light seeped through the heavy curtains before exhaustion finally overtook me.





It’d been two weeks since I had left Chicago—and my cheating husband—behind. Harper met me at the airport like she said she would, and she took me home with her. I didn’t want to go to my parents’ house. I knew that they loved me and I would have been more than welcome to live with them again, but nothing screamed failure to me more than getting a divorce and moving back in with Mom and Dad at twenty-eight. My mother begged me to come and stay with her, but after some convincing—and my Dad talking to her—she understood that I just needed some time and Harper was an excellent support for me. Finn continued to text me and even called a few times. I cleared the calls and sent him short texts back to try to keep him at bay. I still wasn’t ready to hash out what had happened between us, nor did I want to tell him about my failed marriage. But I didn’t know how much longer he was going to let me push him away before demanding answers, or going to Harper.

A week after I’d arrived back home, there’d been a knock on the door and Harper had answered. She called me over because there was a cop asking for me. Apparently my soon-to-be-ex-husband couldn’t wait to be rid of me and had gone ahead and filed divorce papers. I was being served. Once the shock wore off I realized I needed to do something to keep myself busy, and I needed to start putting my life back together. I needed a job and eventually a place of my own. Harper insisted that she loved having me around—I enjoyed being there too—but I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. We may have been best friends but we weren’t college kids anymore. We were older now and had our quirks. I’d been helping her out around the house by cleaning and making dinner for when she got home in the evenings.

A few days after being served, I went out and hired a lawyer that my Dad had suggested. Because West filed in Chicago, we had to abide by Illinois state law. Fortunately the lawyer that I hired had passed his bar in that state so I felt confident in his abilities. Harper thought I should take West for everything that I could. Part of me really did want to take him to the cleaners for lying to me for so many years, but I couldn’t help but feel like maybe I’d deserved what happened to me. I lost myself at some point during my marriage. I didn’t think I’d ever fully given myself to West. After Finn, I’d closed my heart, scared to feel any semblance of real love. I’d known that I would never survive another heart break like that and so I guess that made me selfish; for never fully investing in my marriage. Part of me thought that maybe West was right to leave me. I couldn’t forgive him for stringing me along for eight years, or for cheating on me. He should have let me go before he decided that he wanted to be with Julia. I’d despised that woman from the moment I met her. Oh well, they deserved each other. Julia could have him and his money. I didn’t want anything from him, except to erase him from my life. Fortunately West’s connections meant that the divorce would likely be over and done with fairly quickly.

“Hey, so what are your plans for today?” Harper asked me while fixing herself a cup of coffee.

“I have an interview at the coffee shop in town, and then I’m going to the doctor’s office for some testing.”

“What kind of testing?”

I was sitting at the table in the kitchen and let out a long yawn. “The STD kind of testing. After catching West with Julia, I have no way of knowing if he’s been with anyone else.”

Harper put a lid on her coffee cup, and gave me a sympathetic look. “Well when you get an answer, give me a call. I’m worried about you. Oh and good luck on your interview. I still don’t know why you’re getting a job when you don’t need one. Just suck the bastard dry.” I heard her grab her keys and open the front door. “I’ll be home around six.”

“Bye” I yawned again.

I had a few hours before my interview so I decided to bide my time and take a nice long hot bath. I grabbed my favorite romance novel, ran some steamy hot water, piled all my hair on top of my head and slid in the tub. I pressed play on my iPod and ‘Innocence’ by Avril Lavigne floated out of the speakers. As I allowed my body to relax, my mind drifted to Finn. A few days after I had moved in to Harper’s place, she’d told me that Finn had headed back to LA the day after the reunion. She’d wanted to speak to him about why I’d left so abruptly, but when I’d called her that night and told her about catching West in bed with Julia, she decided to let it go. I’d told her everything about what happened leading up to the kiss, and what I saw when I got to Chicago. She cried right along with me while I poured my emotions out. She’d asked me a few times since then if I’d thought about calling Finn to tell him what happened with West. Honestly I had, but what would I say to him? That I hadn’t completely given myself to my husband because I was still hung up on him? That I’d failed in my marriage and no one wanted me? That I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss and how it woke up something in me that had been long buried? That I missed him?

No I couldn’t call him. Finn had his own life and I couldn’t just call him and expect him to stop what he was doing to come play the white knight to me. I needed to live on my own and figure out what I wanted out of life.

I wasn’t sure how long I lay in the bath but I must have dozed off. My cell phone buzzed from where I’d left it on the toilet seat and woke me. It was a text from Harper. She was letting me know that she would be about an hour late because she had a showing. Getting out of the tub I went to my room to get dressed. I didn’t want to be overly dressy for the interview since it was just the coffee shop but I didn’t want to appear unprofessional. I chose to wear a loose fitting blue top with three-quarter length sleeves that matched the color of my eyes, and a pair of black dress pants with black flats. Better to appear professional than sloppy was always my Mom’s motto.

Grabbing my brush I worked it through my hair and decided to leave it down. I glanced at the clock I saw it was time to go. I took one last look at myself in the mirror. Ready or not, this was as good as I was going to get.

When I arrived at Beans about ten minutes later, I was instructed by the young girl behind the counter to sit and wait for the manager. I took a seat by the window in a plush red chair and looked around. Some things had changed since I’d last been in there, but for the most part it was still the same. The aroma inside was intoxicating; wonderful, deep roasted coffee. The kind that when you smell it you want to take in a deep breath and say ‘ahhh’ as you exhale. The atmosphere had a calming effect. It made you want to sit in one of the many comfortable couches and chairs and bust out a book or a laptop. Every spot to sit was strategically placed as to allow privacy while chatting it up with friends, reading, or simply relaxing while sipping a latte. Outside there were a couple of metal tables with chairs for those that wanted to enjoy their drink while sitting in the warm sun.

The manager came out from the back and approached me with a warm smile and a handshake. “Hi, you must be Emilyn. I’m Rose, the owner here at Beans. Sorry to keep you waiting, I was placing an order for more supplies.”

Rose looked to be about forty, and had small laughter lines around her mouth. She was small in stature with short black hair, and eyes that looked almost black. She wore a long, colorful, bohemian-type skirt and a white puffy shirt that showcased a beautiful large silver pendant necklace. She was just what I’d pictured the owner to look like. After a few short seconds of looking her over and feeling more at ease, I replied “Yes I am and it’s no problem, I haven’t been waiting long.”

She looked down at my application, scanning through it. Taking her red-rimmed glasses off her face, she started her questions. “So I see that you haven’t worked in quite a while. What have you been doing the past few years?”

“Well, I’ve actually been living in Chicago for the past seven years with my husband. We recently decided to separate so I moved back home.” I sat up a bit straighter, feeling uncomfortable about sharing my personal life with a stranger. “But when I was in Chicago I stayed at home because that’s what my husband wanted.”

“Oh, you were married to one of those men?” She gave me a knowing nod.

“Umm…I’m not quite sure what you mean?”

“I’m talking about the type that expects you to be the perfect Suzy Homemaker, while he goes out and earns all the money like the big man that he thinks he is. Yeah, I was married to one of those too. Left his ass as fast as I could and showed him just what kind of woman he actually married by opening up this place.” She was grinning at me now.

Unsure of what to say to all of that, I smiled back at her and gave her a face that said ‘don’t you have anymore questions to ask me besides talking about my upcoming divorce’?

Rose was clearly a bright woman because she picked up on my unease and quickly moved on. “Do you have any experience in a coffee house, or customer service?”

“Not in a coffee shop, no. But I did deal with my father’s clients that came in and out of his law firm. It was a while ago, but I’m very good with people.”

“Okay, I’m going to give you the position.”

I stared at her with a confused expression. “You’re giving me the job?”

“Yes. The job is yours if you want it. When do you think you can start?”

Completely taken aback by this news, I was rendered speechless. I’d barely even told her anything about myself. I hadn’t worked in years, I had no experience, and yet she was offering me the position. “Oh, umm…I can start right away, as soon as you need me.”

“Can you start tomorrow? We can get you started training on the espresso machine and working the cash register. How about nine? That way our morning rush is over and we can take our time so you won’t feel overwhelmed.”

“Wow, yes, thank you so much! I’ll be here at nine.” I stood up when Rose did and reached out to shake her hand again. I was grinning ear to ear. I’d seen on the news how the job market was not the greatest so I hadn’t expected it to be so easy. Although I had a feeling she only hired me because she thought we had something in common with bad ex-husbands, a job is a job and so I accepted it for what it was and began to get excited about this new prospect.

Rose walked away in to the back room and I made my way from Beans to the doctor’s office. My mind was all over the place. I knew this job wouldn’t pay all the bills and it certainly wasn’t what I saw myself doing in the long term, but it was a start. I knew I could keep living with Harper but I’d have to insist on paying for things; even if it was just buying the groceries or paying the electric bill. I knew she’d fight on it but I wouldn’t have it any other way; even if I had to threaten to move out. I knew she loved me and was trying to be a good friend but I couldn’t learn to stand on my own two feet if she wouldn’t let me.

I had an appointment with my lawyer this week as well. He wanted to go over what assets I wanted to request in the divorce settlement. I’d planned on asking for my car to be sent down to me, but I found out that Julia had been driving it and so I no longer wanted it. In fact I didn’t want anything except for Weston’s signature on the bottom of the forms. He could keep the alimony, the house, the furniture, all of it. I just needed it to be done with. Talking with my lawyer about things I shared with West had been hard. It was a reminder of how I’d failed. Thankfully all the documents would be filed and the divorce would be settled in two weeks. I could move on and no longer have daily reminders of what I’d lost.

I made it to Dr. Monroe’s office ten minutes before my appointment, giving me time to fill out the necessary papers and provide them with a brief rundown of my medical history. After I gave them a urine sample they drew my blood, took my vitals, and put me in a room with a medical exam table. I sat down on the paper that covered the table, looking about the room. It was all pretty standard. Jars filled with tongue depressors, cotton balls, and q-tips sitting on a counter by a sink. Winnie the Pooh characters covered one of the walls to help keep little kids occupied.

I’d only been sitting for five minutes when the doctor knocked and came in. He was an older man, short in stature, with pure white hair. He had a very friendly face and when he smiled I could see he had a slight gap between his teeth. He was holding what I assumed to be my records. After introducing himself, he began sorting through some papers and began asking with some basic questions.

“You’re here for STD testing, is that correct?” He stood and came to listen to my heart and lungs with his stethoscope. I took a deep breath, because well, wasn’t that what everyone did when someone puts a stethoscope on your chest?

“Yes that’s correct.”

“I know this may sound intrusive, but do you have more than one sexual partner?”

“No sir.” He helped me lie down so he could palpitate my stomach and listen to the sounds as well.

“Hmmm… okay. Well I have your preliminary test results.” He turned to take a seat on his rolling stool.

Oh thank god! I was going to get answers. He startled me by asking me “When was the first day of your last period Emilyn?”

Unsure I started thinking back. Why was he asking me that question? “I think it was about four weeks ago. I haven’t had a period yet but I just assumed it was because I’m a little stressed out and have a lot going on.” I started biting at my lip, a habit I had when I was feeling nervous.

“Well, I see that you checked the box that you are married, maybe you should call your husband in to hear this news.” He was looking at me with curiosity and I had no idea why.

“Actually I am in the middle of a divorce, which is why I’m here getting tested. I need to know that whoever he was with was clean.” His eyes grew wide, but he quickly pieced together what I was telling him. Then something occurred to me. “Oh my god, did you find something in those tests? Do I have a lump somewhere? Am I dying?” I was panicking! I was too young for cancer. But that’s what everyone that gets cancer says. They never thought it would happen to them. Feeling myself beginning to panic attack I said with a shaky voice, “What did you find? I don’t need anybody here with me, please just tell me.”

“Your STD test results will take about a week to come back, but I did find something.” He paused. “Emilyn we ran a couple of our usual tests on your urine sample checking for things like dehydration, elevated white cell count, pregnancy, proteins, etc.” He took a long pause glancing back down at my paperwork. “Emilyn, you’re pregnant.”

I wasn’t sure that I’d heard him right. “What?” He repeated that my pregnancy test had come back positive, and that they were scheduling me for a full exam to make sure everything was okay and estimate a due date. I felt like my whole world had flipped upside down. I couldn’t possibly be pregnant; I was getting divorced from a man who never wanted to have children with me. I’d always wanted to be a Mom but not like this, not in a broken home. And any child deserved more than a broken mother. How had this happened anyway? I was on birth control and that was supposed to be like ninety-nine percent effective.

“Emilyn, I realize you’re probably feeling a bit shocked. I am assuming your ex-husband is the father?” I nodded. “Well, maybe you should give him a call when this news settles in. In the meantime you need to make sure you’re getting plenty of rest, drink lots of fluids, and make sure that if you experience any extreme cramping or bleeding, you call right away.”

I nodded again feeling at a loss for words. Then my head snapped up as suddenly remembered something. “Umm… Dr. Monroe?” He looked up at me. “I was in town not too long ago for a class reunion, and I may have had too much to drink. Could that have hurt the baby?” I might not be sure how I felt about being pregnant, but I hoped I hadn’t drowned it with alcohol!

He gave me a slight smile, “I’m sure everything is fine. You haven’t shown any signs of miscarriage, and that early in pregnancy, you had no way of knowing. It happens to a lot of women. The first trimester can be nerve wracking. I’ll send you home with some information, and a prescription for prenatal vitamins. Check out with the receptionist before you leave so we can schedule to see you and nail down a due date.” He started to stand up to leave, “Oh and Emilyn, this is a good thing. I’m sure you’re having a hard time processing this information given your situation, but babies are a blessing. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.” With those parting words, he walked out.

I gathered my things and walked back out to the reception to make a follow-up appointment and to get my STD test results. I had barely processed a thing. I knew what he’d said but it just wasn’t sinking in. I scheduled an appointment for the middle of the following week. I was struggling to get my head around the news. In addition to the birth control, West and I hardly ever had sex. I needed some convincing that this was true. I got in my car and drove to Walgreens. I went straight to the back to get my prescription and three different brands of pregnancy test. The cashier looked at me curiously but didn’t say anything, which was probably a good idea because I wasn’t sure how I would’ve reacted if she had.

I didn’t know how I made it all the way back to Harper’s house. I walked in and went straight to the fridge to drink half a gallon of orange juice; hoping it would make me produce enough pee to practically fill the tub so I could take all these damn tests. Deciding it would be best to pee into a cup, I grabbed some disposable ones from the cupboard and went to the bathroom to do my business. About thirty minutes later I was sitting on the bathroom floor surrounded by pregnancy test wrappers, open instructions, and cups of pee on the counter and edge of the tub.

Eight tests.

Eight positive results.

There was no denying I was pregnant. I had no idea what I was going to do. How was I supposed to tell West? He’d told me that he never wanted kids with me before I walked out, so how the hell would he take this news? Should I wait until I was out of the first trimester to call him? But, then the divorce would be over and I wouldn’t receive any child support. Did I even want child support? What if West decided that he wanted to be a part of the child’s life—or even worse—wanted custody?

I’d been having so many conversations in my head that I jumped when Harper called out my name. How long had I been sitting there? I looked over my shoulder and saw it was dark outside. Picking up my phone, I saw that it was almost seven o’clock. I’d been in there for over three hours. When Harper came and stood in front of the bathroom door, her eyes widened in shock and her mouth dropped open.

“Holy f*ck,” was all she said, while she stood still looking around the room at all the pregnancy test paraphernalia. “Em, what is all of this?”

I cleared my throat and simply said, “Well I went to the doctor today. I won’t find out the results of the STD tests until next week.” I laughed bitterly. “But the doctor found something else in my tests.” And I said no more. That’s when Harper made eye contact with me and I burst out crying.

“Oh shit, honey it’s okay.” She dropped to the floor and held my head in her hands, hugging me against her chest while I clung to her and cried my eyes out.

“It’s not okay Harper. What am I going to do with a baby? My life is a mess, and now I’m going to throw a child into the mix.” I chocked back a sob.

She kissed the top of my head and pushed me away by my shoulders to look in to my eyes. “Your life is not a mess. You are climbing over a hurdle but you will move on from this. We’ll deal with it together. I’m not walking away from you. And even if we look like a couple of lesbos raising a baby together and all that hippy shit, then that’s what we’ll do.” I couldn’t help myself, I started laughing and Harper soon followed. How was it that she knew how to make me laugh when I felt like my life was on the brink of collapse? I was really fortunate to have Harper in my life. I loved her.

When we settled down, I glanced around and felt the mood shift back to being serious. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell West, Harper. I have a feeling this isn’t going to go over well.”

She sighed, knowing I was right. “Well, he doesn’t have much choice in the matter. We will call him in a couple of days. Do you have a due date?

“I go in next week to find out.”

“How about we call him together when you find all that out and if it becomes too much, I’ll take over the call?”

“Okay.” The tears began to prick my eyes again, but I didn’t want to cry anymore. “Tell me something—anything—to help take my mind off of this.”

“Anything?” She asked inquisitively. I couldn’t read her face.

“Yes, please!”

“Okay then. Well here’s something you didn’t know. I had sex with Kyler in high school.”

I wasn’t expecting that. “What the f*ck Harper?!”

“What? You said anything? Plus you wanted to know what was going on between him and me at the reunion. Now you know” She said this all too casually.

“I realize that, but why are you just now telling me this? Don’t you think you should have said something about it oh I don’t know… in high school?!”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t know what to say. It just sort of happened and I wanted to forget all about it.”

“When?”

“You remember when I stayed home from school after the triplet bitches took that stupid picture of me?” I nodded. “And you know that Kyler came over to my house to talk to me?” I nodded again. “Well it happened that afternoon.”

“Jesus Harp. You should have told me. We’ve never kept secrets from each other.” She was looking down. “Wait. You’d never slept with anyone before. Did Kyler take your virginity?”

She shrugged again. “Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. I don’t know why girls always make such a stink about their first time. It’s just sex.”

I was getting the sense that it was a bigger deal than she was trying to make out. I’d known Harper far too long for her to be able to play something like this off, despite managing to hide this from me for all these years. “Did Kyler know it was your first time?”

“Yeah, he was worried about hurting me. I knew he liked me and that night when he came over, we talked for a long time and we just clicked. He was nervous about taking my virginity because we weren’t even in a relationship. He tried to talk me into going out with him. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and I thought it was the right time to hand in my V-card, so we did it. He wanted to do it again a few days after the first time but I told him it’d been a one-time deal.”

I had a feeling this was so much more than just handing over her virginity to Kyler. “Did you like Ky back then?”

“He was cute, but I didn’t want to date the guy that would sleep with every girl in school if he could.”

“What about now?”

“What about it?”

“Harper, we just saw Kyler. There was no mistaking the look on his face when he saw you, and I saw the way that you were looking at him too. I’ve always known he had a thing for you but I didn’t realize you two had been together. So I’m asking, do you like him now?”

She laughed out loud at me. “Em give me a break! That boy has been living in California living it up, and sleeping with any piece of ass that walks in front of him. Kyler certainly still looks good, I’ll give him that! But no way, no how, would I ever get into a serious relationship with him. I don’t think he’s the type that wants to settle down. And frankly, I’m not so sure I am either.” She paused and a smile broke out across her face. “Well, that was until you just found out you’re pregnant and I’m going to be your baby’s Daddy-Momma.”

I shoved her shoulder and cracked up. We both leaned back against the bathtub and I laid my head on Harper’s shoulder. “Hey Harper?”

“Hmmm…?”

“Thanks for always being there for me. I love you.”

“I love you too Em. It’s going to be okay.”

“Hey Harper?”

“What?”

“For once your sex stories actually helped me out, so… thanks!”

She laughed and helped me off the bathroom floor.