“I’m going to come inside you tonight and not in your mouth.” With a tight fist, he stroked his swollen flesh up and down until a glistening drop formed at the tip. He kneeled on the bed, letting go of his cock so he could grab my knees and spread them wide.
“I missed you,” he whispered, lining himself up with my entrance.
“I missed you too.”
I held his eyes as he inched inside, stretching me as he buried himself deep. Then he bent, touching his forehead to mine, and let go of all restraint. He drove us up high, using hard and fast strokes until I was whimpering and ready to explode. His big hands came to my breasts, tugging on my nipples and the sensation sent me over the edge.
I cried out, practically screaming his name as he dropped his face into my hair and shot his hot release inside me.
Yes, Jackson had fucked me. It had been hard and rough and perfect. But it hadn’t been the cheap sex June and Hannah bragged about. Jackson and I fucked and we loved.
We had both.
I was delirious as he fell to my side, pulling me over his chest to hold me while we regained our breath.
“I missed you.” It was the third time he’d told me tonight.
“I’m right here.”
“I know.” He sighed. “We just haven’t had this for a while. Just me and you.”
I softly kissed his chest. “It will get easier.”
“Yeah.” He hugged me tight before letting me go to use the bathroom and clean up. When I came back out to the bedroom, he’d climbed beneath the covers. Normally, he always tugged the quilt down so it wouldn’t get messy, but we’d been in such a hurry tonight, he’d forgotten.
I climbed into bed, snuggling my naked little spoon into his naked big spoon.
As I closed my eyes, a rush of pity for Hannah and June hit, not because I’d snapped at them, but because they didn’t have this. They might get the sex, but they were missing this part. They were missing the love.
Jackson’s breathing began to draw out, his body not far from sleep. So before he could conk out, I whispered his name.
“Hmm?”
I took a deep breath. “Do you love me?”
His arms around me jerked and his body stilled.
My eyes shot open, staring at the nightstand as I waited for a response.
It wasn’t the one I wanted.
Jackson relaxed his arms and kissed my hair. “Get some sleep, babe.”
“We haven’t had lunch together here in a long time,” Dad said.
“No, we haven’t.” I smiled.
The last time I remembered coming to the school to eat lunch in his classroom was when I’d gotten my job as director at the camp. I’d made us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, then come down to surprise him with the good news.
Just like then, he was on his side of his tall desk, I was on the other. In the corner was the same periodic chart that had been there for decades. The cabinets at the back of the room were full of beakers and Bunsen burners. Above us was a replica of the solar system I’d helped him make a few summers ago.
“Remember in high school when you’d come here on Thursdays to eat with me?”
I nodded. “Best lunch day of the week.”
I’d ditch my friends in the cafeteria to come and eat with Dad. Once, a kid in my gym class had made a snide comment about it, calling me a daddy’s girl. I’d just shrugged and walked away because it was true. I was a daddy’s girl. Spending forty-five minutes in his classroom had never been an embarrassment.
Most of those lunches, Dad and I would talk about my homework or my friends. If something was bothering me, his classroom was my escape.
Like today.
“Is there something wrong, honey?”
I swallowed a bite of my sandwich and chased it down with a swig of Coke. “No,” I lied.
He frowned. “Willa.”
“It’s nothing.” I was lying to myself too.
The last two weeks had been miserable. Ever since I’d asked Jackson if he loved me, things between us had been off-kilter.
We still saw each other every day, but he was distracted. He didn’t laugh with me anymore and the rare smile he’d give was forced. Whenever I asked him if he was okay, he’d get irritated and tell me he just had a lot on his mind.
Maybe a braver woman would have pestered and pressed him until he admitted what was bothering him. Maybe she would have stood up to him, demanding he lose the grumpy attitude.
But I wasn’t that woman. I let him be a grouch during the day because at night, he’d still sleep with me in his arms.
Jackson might not want to talk to me much, but he didn’t seem to have any trouble taking me to bed.
Was it pathetic that I let him? Maybe a woman who didn’t love him so much would have cut him off.
But I just couldn’t. On the nights when Jackson wasn’t working, I went to his house to make dinner for him and Ryder. We’d eat, then all watch TV on his worn leather couch.
The nights when Jackson worked, Ryder would stay with Hazel. He didn’t invite me down to the bar to spend the evening with him. He was spending more and more time at the bar during the day too. Whenever I’d ask him to go to lunch or hang out, he’d be meeting with Thea or helping Hazel with this or that.
Still, he’d show up at my apartment in the midnight hours.
I never once pushed him away as he crawled into my bed.
“You can always talk to me,” Dad said.
“I know. Thank you for that.” But this was a conversation for Mom or maybe Leighton. I needed some female advice.
“Ryder seems to be adjusting to school just fine.”
“I think he is too.” I nodded. “He’s a great kid. And it sounds like he’s already made some friends.”
Dad grinned. “From what I’ve seen, he’s Mr. Popular.”
“I’m not surprised at all.”
Dad and Ryder had met a few weeks ago, but since Dad wasn’t his teacher, they didn’t see one another often. Though I was glad both he and Leighton were here to keep an eye on Ryder.
I wasn’t just in love with Jackson. His little brother had me wrapped around his finger.
Ryder was sweet and funny. His handsome face was constantly smiling and there was a twinkle in his eye that reminded me of his brother’s. It showed a lot these days, especially since Jackson had petitioned the district court to become his legal guardian. It was amazing how a set of papers waiting to be evaluated by a judge could erase a mountain of worries from a young boy’s mind.
He was the only reason why things between Jackson and I weren’t miserably uncomfortable. Ryder provided a buffer on the evenings we spent together. Jackson didn’t have trouble giving him gentle smiles or laughing at stories about Ryder’s new adventures at school.
It was just me who he was pulling away from.
And it was all my fault.
I’d been so worked up by my friends’ comments that I’d pushed Jackson too soon. He wasn’t ready to confess his feelings. For all I knew, he’d never said those words to anyone before.
I refused to believe that he didn’t love me. He did. This was just a big step for him and he needed time. The idea that he didn’t love me, or never would, hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe.
Was it pathetic to live in denial?
My perpetual boredom didn’t help. With nothing to do all day, I thought about Jackson constantly. I needed a distraction.
“I’m bored,” I told Dad. And lonely.
He laughed. “Well, if bored means you’ll come eat lunch with me, I can’t complain.”
“I wish I could have found a job this winter. There are only about five hours of work a week to do at the camp and I’m going crazy. I was thinking of expanding my search to Kalispell.”
It was only thirty miles away but driving up there every day in the winter had never been appealing. The highway that wound around the lake was often covered in ice this time of year, so a thirty-minute drive could easily take twice as long. When it got really bad, they’d close the road entirely.
But with nothing else to do but sit at home alone and fret, it might be worth risking the roads.
“What kind of job do you want?” Dad asked.