“I believe it.” I took a long breath of the cool air as he turned on his fryer.
I let my eyes wander over their backyard and across the school’s playground.
I’d never be able to look at those swing sets again. I’d never be able to walk across a wide lawn and not think of climbing Willa’s staircase.
I rubbed my face, knowing the hollow feeling in my gut wouldn’t go away anytime soon. What was I going to do when she did find someone new? How was I going to stay in Lark Cove? I guess watching from a distance as she found the love she was supposed to have would be my punishment for hurting her.
And my reward.
Once Ryder graduated, maybe I’d leave Montana. I’d always come back to see Hazel, but for the first time, the idea of escaping Lark Cove didn’t seem all that bad.
Do you love me?
I wished she hadn’t asked. I wished I could have said yes. But I’d never told another person that I loved them before. Not Hazel or Thea or Charlie.
No one.
I didn’t know shit about love and Willa deserved someone who did. She deserved to have her dreams come true.
I was no dream maker.
“How are you?” Nate asked, coming to stand at my side.
Fucking miserable. “Good. You?”
“Oh, just fine. How are things at the bar?”
“Good. Slow this time of year.”
“I bet.”
We stood there, surveying his yard. It had snowed an inch last night so the grass was mostly covered in white. It looked peaceful, the exact opposite of the torment plaguing my heart.
Nate had to know things between Willa and me were ending. Yet he hadn’t turned us away. He’d welcomed me and my brother into his home to share a meal his wife was cooking.
Nate Doon was a good man, the best really. He’d be there for Willa after I broke her heart, helping her put it back together.
He clapped a hand on my shoulder, then gave it a squeeze. I looked at him, but neither of us spoke. Nate just gave me a nod, dropped his hand and went back inside. A few moments after he disappeared inside, the sliding door opened again.
“Hey.” Ryder appeared at my side. “What are you doing out here?”
“Nothing,” I told him. “Just getting some air.”
“Are you, uh . . .” He kicked some snow off the porch. “How are you doing?”
“I’m good,” I lied. “What about you? You doing okay?”
“You ask me that a lot.”
I chuckled. “Yep.” At least once a day.
I had no clue how to act like a parent to this kid, so I’d told him early on that he had to tell me if something was wrong. Still, I checked on him constantly, just so he’d know I cared. I could count on two fingers the number of people who’d had asked me if I was doing okay when I was a kid.
“I’m good,” he promised.
“You sure?”
He shrugged. “Do you think Willa can help me get caught up at school?”
“She’ll try.”
Ryder wanted so badly not to fall behind it was all he talked about. That, and if Willa could be his tutor. I hated to burst his bubble, but I didn’t want his hopes to get too high. Willa would tutor Ryder, even after we broke up, but I wouldn’t put her in that position.
“Listen, kid.” I turned away from the yard to face him. “If Willa can’t tutor you, then I will. So will Hazel and Thea. We’ll do whatever we can to help.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “Why wouldn’t Willa be able to help? Doesn’t she want to?”
“No, she does. But she’s got other stuff going on. It just . . . it just might not work out.”
“Oh.” He hung his head. “I get it. You guys are breaking up, aren’t you? I saw Willa crying the other morning in the kitchen. I don’t think she saw me, but I saw her. And then she hasn’t been back.”
Fuck. That must have been the morning after I’d gotten drunk at the bar. The same night I’d gotten a phone call I never should have answered.
“Is it because of me?” Ryder asked.
“No.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “It has nothing to do with you.”
It is all on me.
“I don’t want you to worry about it, okay? Just have fun today. And eat a lot of turkey.”
He smiled. “I can do that. I’m hungry.”
“We just had breakfast an hour ago.”
“Yeah, but I only ate two bowls of cereal because I didn’t want to get too full before lunch. I normally have three.”
I grinned. “I’m sure Betty won’t let you starve.”
The sliding door opened again and we turned to see Willa. She folded her arms over her chest as she stepped out into the cold air.
“Mom has a snack for you,” she told Ryder.
He immediately bolted for the door, leaving Willa and me alone.
“Good timing,” I said. “He just told me he was hungry.”
“I think he’s grown an inch since he moved here.” She watched Ryder as he disappeared inside.
“I think you’re right.” Now that he was getting all the food he could eat, Ryder had sprouted. There was no question he would be tall like me. And if my hunch was right, he’d fill out and have the frame of a linebacker. He just needed groceries.
“Are you going to stay out here?” Willa dropped her eyes, looking anywhere but at me as she spoke. Meanwhile, I stared at her, soaking her in while I still could.
“For a while.”
She pursed her lips, then went back to the door. But before she opened it, she paused and turned around. “Do you even want to be here?”
Tell her the truth. “Not really.”
Pain flashed across her face as she stood there, staring at her feet. After a few seconds, she squared her shoulders, and when she looked up, her beautiful blue eyes were filled with angry tears.
“Are you ever going to tell me why? Or are you just waiting until I’ve finally had enough and end this for you?”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Isn’t it? Then why? I might be new to this, but I’m not stupid. You don’t want to be together, so tell me why.”
The pleading in her voice was killing me. “Let’s talk about it later, okay?”
She shook her head. “Let’s talk about it now.”
“I don’t want to wreck your Thanksgiving.”
“Too late,” she whispered. “Why? I want to know why.”
My shoulders fell. The last thing I wanted was to do this today, or any day, but she deserved an explanation. At least today, she’d be here with her family. So I took a deep breath, met her gaze and dove headfirst into a conversation I’d been dreading for weeks.
“We want different things.”
“Different things?” she repeated. “Like what?”
“Marriage. Kids.”
“You don’t want to get married.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t.”
“Ever? Or just to me?”
“Ever.” The last thing I wanted was for her to think it was because of her. If there was a woman I’d marry, it would be Willa.
But I wasn’t that guy. I saw the way she looked at her parents. She wanted what they had. Commitment. Love. Till death do us part. I wasn’t the man to give her those things.
“So what if I told you I didn’t want to get married either?” she asked.
“You don’t want to get married?”
“Yes, I do. I want to get married. I want to have what my parents have.” She looked over her shoulder at the house. “But I want to know if marriage was off the table, would you still be doing this?”
“Yes.”
She gritted her teeth. “Why?”
“You’re going to want kids.”
“How do you know?” she fired back. “You’ve never asked me. How do you know I want kids?”
Because I knew her. Inside and out, I knew Willa.
And at this moment, she needed to play this little game. I’d go along with it and answer her hypotheticals if it made it easier to say good-bye.
“Well?” I asked. “Do you want kids?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Then there you go. I don’t.”
She dropped her arms, fisting her hands at her sides. The last time I’d seen her this frustrated, she’d been on her doorstep in her pajamas. I’d never forget how beautiful she was the first night I came to her house.
“Why?” she asked.
“Why, what?”
“Why don’t you want kids?”
“I just . . . don’t. I don’t want kids. I don’t want to get married. You do. End of story. End of us.”
She rocked back on her heels like I’d shoved her. “So that’s it?”