I listen as they fight. When JD pounds on the door, I stumble backwards and fall on my ass, and then I crab-walk myself into the corner near the shower and pull my legs up to my chest as they continue to argue outside.
Ark is bigger than JD. Not by much, but in all the ways that count. Longer arms. Taller. Heavier. More muscular. He’s built like a Navy SEAL, even if he never became one. And that’s how I know he’s the one doing the choking and JD is the one making those noises on the other side of the door.
I want to go out there and tell Ark JD is right. I do like it. Every time JD slaps my face I only want him to fuck me harder. Every time he calls me a whore or a slut, I only want him to hold me tighter.
But I don’t like it. I need it. And I’m not sure that’s the same thing.
A wail echoes through the bathroom and it takes me a moment to realize it’s coming from me. And then the sobs start. I’m out of control as the images flash through my mind. The beatings while I was being held against my will. The rapes I was subjected to. The way they used my body to betray my mind. Made me come after reducing me to nothing but a thing.
JD and Ark are yelling and fighting again on the other side of the door. Things break. They crash into the bathroom door, and I’m immediately grateful that the doors in this place are thick, hard wood. Because it doesn’t burst open.
I can’t move. I can’t think straight. I can’t do anything but huddle in the corner and shake.
What will happen to me now? Who will ever love me like this? Why am I so fucked up?
A door slams and vibrates the wall I’m leaning against.
The front door.
But which one of them left?
Another sob escapes as the fear grows. Will he beat me? Will he rape me?
“Blue?” Ark asks.
I let out a cry and then I just break down, throwing myself forward on to the rug. My fear is replaced with relief and that’s almost as bad.
Because maybe Ark is right.
Maybe I was letting JD keep me prisoner. Sexually. Mentally. And emotionally.
“Blue?” I can hear her crying on the other side of the door. My heart is beating so fast I have to lean against the hard wood to calm down. “Blue, baby? You OK?”
She’s sobbing now, but it’s muffled. Like she doesn’t want me to hear.
“Blue? He’s gone, OK? He left. You can come out now.” For a moment I wonder if I’m the one she’s afraid of. Please, God, I pray silently. Please don’t let her be afraid of me. “Blue, I’m not gonna hurt you, you know that, right?” Silence. “Blue, just unlock the door and you can do whatever you want. You can call someone. Or leave.”
More crying.
“Or stay. You can stay, Blue. You know I love you, right? I love you and it’s not dependent on this relationship, or JD, or the sex. OK? None of that matters. I just love you.”
She’s sniffling and I can picture her on the other side of the door, lying on the rug.
“Blue, if you open the door, we’ll just go to bed. Just rest and not talk about it. Sleep together. Just hold each other. OK? No talking. No sex. No calling anyone. Just…” Fuck. Just open the door, is all I want to say. “Just be together. That’s what couples do, right?”
Goddamn it. I should have known better than to leave her alone with JD.
“It’s not your fault, Blue. It’s mine. JD… he’s…”
Fuck.
I take a deep breath and slide down the door until I’m sitting on the floor with my back against it, letting out the long sigh of air as I settle.
“He’s what?” she says from the other side.
I rub my hand down my face and pull my legs up so I can rest my elbows on my knees.
“He’s what?” she asks, more mad than sad now. “Just tell me what the hell is going on here!”
“Just open the door,” I whisper. “You have to open the door because no matter what he’s done, I still love the guy, OK? And I’m not going to tell this story unless I can tell it to your face.”
Silence. For several long moments.
She unlocks the door with a click, and I scramble to my feet so I can see her face when she pulls it open. Her eyes are red and her face is pale. Like she’s sick. Or scared.
“Blue,” I say, reaching for her. But she pulls back, just out of reach, and wraps her arms around herself in a tight hug.
“Just tell me,” she begs, her anger gone. “Because I love him too.” Her eyes get glassy and then tears spill down her cheeks like rivers. “I love him too. I didn’t know,” she says, starting to sob again. “I responded to everything—”
I reach out and pull her into a hug. “Shhh. No more of that. Stop thinking about that. I should never have let you stay here, but I wanted you, Blue. I wanted you like nothing I’ve ever wanted before in my life. And maybe it’s just because I was lonely. And tired of this job. Tired of the lies and the girls, and the dirty sex. I needed something good. Something that could wipe away all that stuff and make me feel human again. And I knew the whole time you needed help. Just like I knew the whole time JD needed help.”
She crumbles. Her body goes limp as her knees buckle. She almost falls to the ground before I scoop her up and carry her out of JD’s room, down the hallway, past the living room, and back to our bedroom.
I set her down on the bed, and then climb in next to her. She’s naked and I still have my coat and boots on. But who fucking cares.
We just get in bed like that and I pull her on top of me so her face is tucked up under my chin. Her tears drop onto my skin, round the curve of my neck, and then slide down my back until they met the sheets beneath me.