But JD walking out scares me. Because JD was the glue. JD was the one who joked around and put us at ease. JD was the one who loved freely and openly.
Ark has always been closed off. Secretive. Working out of town. Only a few days at a time, but that time was enough to let JD and me take our game a little farther.
“Let me see you,” Ark says, turning on the bedside lamp so it lights us up.
I cover myself with my arms and look down as he touches me, his fingertips tracing my ribs, my hip bone. He crouches down and feels my leg, first the one and then the other.
My ass is stinging, so I know it’s red, and he gently turns me over and caresses it for a lingering moment.
“Has he hurt you?” I’m silent for a moment. “Tell me the truth, Blue. Has he hurt you?”
I nod my head. “But that was the point.”
Ark drops his hands and sits up in bed with a sigh. And then, like it’s just too much, he drops his face into his palms.
I scoot over next to him, my hand on his leg. “I’m sorry.” I know this is the end. I can feel it. Six weeks was way longer than it should’ve lasted. Six weeks was so much more than I ever dreamed of. Six perfect weeks where I felt safe. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
He looks up, but doesn’t turn his head. He just stares at the wall across the room. “Tell me something, Blue. What exactly are you sorry for?”
“Being…” Being what? Unfaithful? I wasn’t. I know that’s not what he’s thinking. But my mind can’t seem to go anywhere else.
“Why do you feel guilty, Blue?” Ark prods.
“Because it was a secret,” I whisper. “JD told me to keep it secret and I did.”
Ark nods, but still refuses to look at me. “Secrets are bad.” He finally turns and meets my gaze. “Secrets between people who love each other are bad. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep this lie up. I’m calling your father, I’m taking you home, I’m putting an end to it before the shit gets out of hand. I can’t do it anymore. And I certainly can’t do it if you’re here, right in the middle of all the shit that’s happening.”
“What?” Do what? He’s not making sense.
But he ignores me. “I mean, I’ve not had a lot of heroic moments over the past four years, I get that. I’m no different than Ray or anyone else using women for financial gain. No matter what the reason is, there’s no excuse for letting it get this far. None.” He looks me in the eyes again. “Greed was what drove it, I think. The money just started coming. The girls were there. We had contracts, and blood tests, and scanned copies of legitimate driver’s licenses. Up and up, I always said. Up and fucking up. But it’s all bullshit, Blue. I’m one hundred percent bullshit. If I say I live by a moral code, but I can’t walk the talk, then there is no difference between them and me.”
I don’t know what he’s talking about. The only thing I do know is that he’s dead serious. My mind races for something to hold onto. Something to buy myself some time. Because I may be sick—they probably did fuck my head up in ways that will require years of therapy—but I didn’t come all this way, or go through all that shit, in order to give up now. So I need something. Something that will draw him out of this sudden monologue that reeks of disclosure and put us back on track. “Christmas,” I murmur, almost to myself. It’s the only thing I can think of.
“What?”
“Christmas,” I repeat. “I do want to go home, Ark. I do want to get past all this. But please. I love you.” I climb into his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. “No matter what, I do love you. I can’t just walk out. And if you love me back, neither can you. We owe each other that much. Maybe JD is gone. I don’t know, he’s your best friend. I don’t have his secrets, only the one we made together. You have his secrets. But just because he’s gone doesn’t mean there is no us.”
“What’s that got to do with Christmas?”
“Let’s just stay this way until Christmas. Can’t we share one more big moment? Can’t we just give this a try? And he’s gonna come back—”
“No,” Arks says, pushing me off his lap. “No. He can’t come back. He knows he can’t come back.” Ark walks to the other side of the room, stops when he reaches the wall, and then turns on his heel and paces back. “I told him I’d kill him and I’m dead serious. I told him that and he knows I’d never say it if it wasn’t over.”
“If what wasn’t over?” I do not understand.
“My protection.” Ark lets out a long breath and closes his eyes. “I protected him, Blue. I didn’t understand the extent of his issues at first.” Ark sits back down with me. “It took a long time of watching JD’s behavior before I figured out what the problem was.”
“What’s the problem?” My heart is racing. I want to know so bad. I don’t want to know so bad.
“JD’s violent. He’s been violent with them before, but I’ve been there to calm him down. I’ve been there—”
My mind races to the beat of my heart. Words start coming back to me. Conversations I overheard in the beginning.
You’re scaring her, JD.
Take it easy, JD.
“—when he’s taken it too far. Or he’s called me afterward and I got her help.”
“Who?”
“Whoever, Blue. Whoever. But he was so good with you. He was so… normal.”
“He never beat me, Ark. It wasn’t like that.”
“He did beat you. He just did it from the inside out.”
And then Ark gets up and walks out of the room.
I’m not sure how much time passes as I listen to Ark on the other side of the loft. But I know he’s packing a bag for JD. He talks to that Ray person they do business with. He talks to JD at one point, and even though I only hear Ark’s side of the conversation, and that side is calmer than I expected, I know JD’s end is not.
I know the other end is rage.
Ark walks back into the bedroom. I’m lying down, under the covers, still naked and ashamed. “We’re leaving,” he says.