I take a deep breath.
“The first time I saw JD, I was coming out of the bus station and he was across the street, fighting his way out of a four-on-one fight, and even though JD is pretty badass, he’s not that good. But he was yelling like a motherfucker. You took my kid, he said, over and over. And each time he said it, he landed a punch or a kick or some other attack. Like those words were his mantra. The only thing keeping him going.
“By the time I got across the street, they pretty much had him. So I intervened. First with a threat of the police, which got nothing. And then a gun.”
Blue is silent on top of me.
“They backed off with lots of threats for JD. They’d be back. He was dead. Blah, blah, blah. And since I had nowhere to stay, and I just saved his ass, he let me stay with him for a little while.”
“They took his baby? Sold it?”
I nod. “She was given to some family. He knew that, but he didn’t know which family and, of course, they never told him. His girlfriend was dead by then. We didn’t know that though. So I bounced into town with a bunch of money and a plan. But my whole life, everything I thought I was doing, got sidetracked that night when I met JD. He had this immediate problem, ya know? Something I could grab onto and maybe even fix. Right? And that’s how all this started.”
“So what’s wrong with him? I can feel it, Ark. When we’re alone together, I get glimpses. Like there’s something dark behind that charming smile. Behind those amazing eyes. Something he hides away. But when we were having sex—”
“Fuck,” I say, taking a deep breath. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“—he’d look at me when he put his hand on my throat. There was always a moment when I was terrified. Just before things went black and the stars took over. But when I came to again, he was always telling me sweet things. He loved me. He’d never hurt me. This was only in fun. And I believed him—”
“He means it, Blue. He does. But he’s fucked up over what happened the night before I came to town. The night we think his girlfriend died and he lost his baby girl. He never got over it.”
“How did she die?”
“I have no idea. We never did figure that out. It took us two years to find her grave. Just a little marker in the ground.”
“Why does he like to be so rough?”
I close my eyes. So tired of this. So tired of thinking about JD and his violence.
“You know why don’t you?”
I shake my head, like I always do. “I don’t know why, Blue. But he’s always been like that since I’ve known him. He’s rough with the Public Fuck girls too. Too rough. But that shit sells.”
A wave of shame floods over me.
Blue isn’t dumb. She’s gonna figure all this out sooner or later. And then she’s gonna leave me. She’s never gonna talk to me again. She’s going to turn around, walk out, call her family, and never look back.
Because we are a couple of sick motherfuckers.
“Do you know why?” She asks it as a question this time.
“I don’t. But I have a few guesses that I’m not going into tonight. I just want to say I’m sorry, Blue. And if you want to leave—”
“You want me to leave?” She tries to sit up so she can look me in the face, but I can’t do that now. I can’t.
So I hold her close. “I don’t want you to ever leave. It’s wrong to keep you here, I understand that. But I don’t want you to leave, Blue. I’ve never desired someone so much in my life.”
“Don’t leave me, Ark. Please. I know I need help. I do. I know that liking what he does to me is wrong—”
“That’s not what’s wrong, Blue.” I sit up a little so I can see her for this part. She needs to understand the difference. “Liking it for the right reasons is fine. It’s OK to like a little pain with the pleasure. But what’s not OK is JD taking advantage of that after you were held captive by people who forced you to feel that way through psychological conditioning.”
She just stares at me, like her whole life depends on the words I tell her now.
“Did you like it rough before you became a prisoner?”
She shakes her head. “But I never thought about that stuff.”
“You just need some distance, Blue. To figure it out. You need to talk to someone. JD never talked to anyone and that was a mistake. He’s just—”
She watches me struggle for the words. “Say it,” she whispers. “Please, just tell me.”
“He’s just fucked up. He’s just so fucked up.”
And this is the do-or-die moment. The moment where I lose her trust or gain it. The moment when I let as much out as I can without giving away his final secrets. Secrets I swore on my life, on the death of the one person who haunts me, just as his dead girlfriend haunts him, that I’d never betray.
“He likes to hurt people. And this”—I wave my hand at the bedroom—“this is over now, baby. I’m sorry. But he can’t come back. He can’t.”
She stares me in the eyes for a few seconds. “So we’re just two now?”
“Do you want to be two with me?”
She nods her head. “Yes, please.” And then she cups her hands around my face and kisses me on the lips. “Please. Don’t leave me. Don’t make me go. I’m not ready to face the world, Ark. I’m not. I can’t tell my father what happened to me. I can’t answer those questions. I can’t admit that I fell into their trap. That I got that Stockholm thing and started to like those people. That I told that man I’d marry him. Be his wife. Let him fuck me. Sell him my children. I can’t do that. I need this world a little longer. And if you let me stay, I promise I will work harder at getting better. I will go out with you. I’ll try harder. I’ll do better, I swear.”
Ark never sleeps with me the way JD does. He’s never wanted secret sex like JD did. Ark never wanted to share me. He’s always wanted me for himself.